


It Took Us Leaving (For You to Notice We Were There at All)

by jokerswild



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Dysphoria, F/M, Gold Sickness, Incest taboo, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post BoFA, Thorin is a giant dick, Transphobia, mentions of self harm, some mentions of Fili/OC, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:26:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 98,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerswild/pseuds/jokerswild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fíli has known Kíli is his One since the day he was born, but as incest is one of the greatest taboos of their culture he is unable to act upon this knowledge. Happy just to be by his brother's side, Fíli buries this secret deep inside himself to protect Kíli from the truth, and from the laws of their society.</p><p>Now that Erebor has been reclaimed, he hopes for a better future, but with Thorin taken by the gold sickness he finds that future strained under the weight of the King's expectations for the Crown Prince. But when Fíli is given the choice between finding a wife or being sold to Dain, Fíli finds out that Kíli has a few secrets of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mask of a Crown Prince

**Author's Note:**

> A roleplay between jokerswild and thorinoakenshield. 
> 
> Fíli is written by thorinoakenshield and Kíli by jokerswild. All other characters are shared between us.
> 
> Updates will be irregular based on how much we get written! Please be patient as thorinoakenshield works full time and jokerswild has kids to take care of, which means sometimes updates can be slow.
> 
> Please pay attention to the warnings in the tags, as some chapters may be triggering. We'll try to put an extra warning at the beginning of any chapter that will be especially triggering.
> 
> This chapter does have mentions of self harm and abuse.

Fíli was _tired._

It wasn't so much a feeling, anymore, as it was a state of being. 

An ache deep in his bones that no amount of sleep could shake. 

Some days he was so exhausted that eating made him vomit, and even small tasks like bathing seemed onerous. 

His life no longer belonged to him. It belonged to the Crown Prince he was to become, and the strict routine set down by the King to help him become that Prince.

It was so similar to what he'd known growing up in the Blue Mountains, but harder. With longer hours, and extra work that left with him after every lesson.

Fíli would rise with the sun each morning and, usually lacking the time to grab breakfast, would run down to the practice yards to meet Dwalin, consort to King Thorin Oakenshield and Captain of his Guard. Dwalin would drill him in sword fighting, wrestling, archery, knife throwing, hammer wielding, and any other sort of weapons related training he could think of until the sun was high in the sky.

He'd have enough time to grab tea and toast from the kitchens before joining his Uncle to sit in on the afternoon's council meeting, where he got hands on training with running a high council and addressing the needs and wants of his people, and their home. 

After that he visited Balin in Erebor's grand library for lessons on history and politics, writing, reading, and linguistics until the time came for dinner, and, no matter how much they got done, there was always a stack of things for Fíli to bring back to his room to finish before the next day's lesson. When possible, he would take dinner in his room so he would be able to eat and work at the same time, making his way through the pile of missives and clerical work Thorin had sent to him each day, to ready him for the busywork of leading a kingdom. 

If Fíli was lucky, he would finish these and the work Balin had given him with enough time to collapse, fully clothed, into his bed for a couple hours before waking again to repeat the entire cycle.

Gone were the days of his childhood spent chasing dragonflies and imaginary monsters in the woods with the children of the village he grew up in. Fíli didn't have time to play, anymore, never mind make friends. 

A Crown Prince of Erebor had no need or purpose for friends, Thorin always told him whenever Fíli broached the topic of perhaps getting a day off to spend time with Ori or Bofur, who he'd become close with on the journey to take back their homeland. 

Sounded pretty lofty coming from Thorin, who still enjoyed the comfort of Dwalin's company.

The one ray of light in the otherwise dreary darkness of Fíli's life was Kíli. His beautiful, beloved, perfect baby brother.

Kíli, as the second heir to the throne, was spared the grueling routine Fíli was subjected to. While he still received training from Dwalin and Balin, it was only once every few days, and he had the freedom to train with the other dwarves that used the training grounds, and to study with Ori. He was well liked among their people for his constant cheer and willingness to walk among them as equals, to go to the taverns and the like.

His Kíli. His forbidden One.

Fíli had loved his brother since the moment Dis had placed the squirming, bloody infant in his arms and told him that he would be responsible for protecting and loving him the rest of their lives. 

He had _loved_ him nearly as long.

It was a cruel twist of fate that his brother would be his One, the other half of his soul and heart, for incest among immediate family members in their society was a crime on par with murder and treason, and punished just the same. He privately believed the law continued merely out of private disgust at the idea of such relations, even though it really was not anyone's business, and there was no real logic to any of it at all.

If Fíli were to admit his affections for his treasured One, he would likely be imprisoned and executed for his crimes. Especially with Thorin's mind gone to the gold sickness as it was. 

They had all hoped after the Battle of Five Armies, as it came to be known, Thorin's sanity would have returned to him, especially after seeing his nephew and heir lying in bed, covered by bandages and spitting blood from a great wound rent in his side. He had thrown Kíli aside from the swinging blade but had been unable to get his own sword up in time to parry the strike away from his flesh. 

But all Thorin had done is lament his shame that his heir would be so weak as to almost fall to an Orc blade, and barred anyone from visiting him until he had recovered, even Kíli, as punishment.

The separation had been excruciating, and when they had finally been allowed to see each other again he'd nearly cracked a rib with the tightness of Kíli's arms around him. 

He still bore a great, horrifying scar across his stomach that wound around to his back, only a few inches from severing his spine, but Fíli lived, Kíli was unharmed, and therefore Fíli was content. 

His beautiful brother had been the one constant in Fíli's life, the one thing he could always count on, the one he could always rely on to have his back. He would have gladly died that day to protect him, as he'd promised his mother he would all those years ago.

Fíli may not get to have Kíli the way he'd always wished he could, but if he could have him by his side, even just as his beloved younger brother. 

He always felt like Kíli would understand the dark things that lurked in his head. The dirty secrets he kept locked away ever since Thorin had found out. He knew now that these thoughts were wrong, and impure, and that he had to suffocate them and never speak of them to anyone, or else risk shaming his family, and his brother. Thorin had told him as much since he was a child. It was sacrilege, and Fíli would never drag Kíli into that. 

Sometimes the Wrongness couldn't be contained, and instead of indulging in it, Fíli took it upon himself to punish his body for its Wrongness. When the Wrongness reared up inside him, he would pull at his hair, or bite at his arms, or drag his nails over his thighs until the skin was red and raw and hurt to touch. It felt good, to punish himself for the Wrongness. Uncle would be proud of Fíli if he knew that his lesson on containing the Wrongness had sunk in properly.

Maybe if Uncle knew Fíli had been so good he wouldn't currently have the young dwarf slung over the empty council table with a bloody nose and mouth, his tunic in tatters, raising welts across his back with the flogger in his hand. 

"How _dare_ you sleep at this table? You are a disgrace to your name, and a disgrace to the throne, you errant whelp," Thorin snarled, striking Fíli again with little mercy, the resulting grunt of pain like music to his ears. It took all of Fíli's will not to crawl away or turn and fight back, fingers curling into fists at the abhorrent pain in his back, skin already mottled purple-black with bruises from training with Dwalin that morning. He had been so overcome with exhaustion that he had fallen asleep during the council meeting, and the few minutes it'd gone unnoticed had been bliss. It hadn't been worth Thorin's rage upon waking, spitting out venomous words at his heir while the council fled from the room.

It was the gold madness talking, not Thorin. Fíli had to endure and it would be over soon. He was hewn from the stone itself. He was unmovable, unshakeable. Hard and unyielding.

Fíli was stone.

"I apologize, my King, for my disrespect, and the shame I have brought to our family. Please tell me what it is I can do to correct this mistake," he intoned, voice dull with pain and exhaustion as he lay there and took his punishment. Kíli was the one for whom he reserved emotion. No one else deserved to see Fíli beyond the mask of the Crown Prince. Not even their once beloved Uncle.

A pause in the beating, and Fíli could breathe again, great gulps of air that felt cold to his starved lungs. It all rushed back out of him, again, when he felt Thorin move close to him, his body like a furnace against Fíli's side.

He refused to meet that gaze.

He already knew look of disdain and disappointment that he would find there.

"Tonight at the feast, you will finally take yourself a wife," Thorin ordered, and it was as if all the life had been stolen from Fíli, his heart freezing in his chest and his throat constricting.

He did not want a wife.

Kíli was his cherished heart. Fíli had no desire to lie with another, man or woman. He certainly had no will to marry and father children with one. 

As if sensing the dismay in Fíli's mind, Thorin chuckled darkly and grabbed a fistful of golden hair, forcing Fíli to meet his gaze.

"You will find a wife tonight, Fíli, or else I will finally take King Dain up on his offer. He has written to say he would be mighty pleased to have you as his mistress, as you are well aware, and the coin he would be willing to pay for such an honor is quite generous."

Fíli wanted to throw up his meager lunch of buttered bread right in Thorin's smug face, fear coursing unbidden through his veins like ice water.

Thorin wouldn't _actually_ sell his sister-son off to be someone's pet whore, would he? Not for all the gold in Erebor would Thorin really consider such an offensive deal!

But the sick gleam in Thorin's eye said he would, and Fíli didn't know if he feared becoming Dain's possession most, or the knowledge that Kíli would be named heir and thus be subjected to all the strains and torments Fíli now suffered. Apparently _Dain_ was a distant enough relation that the old laws were satisfied.

"I.. I understand, my King. I will find a wife and future Queen this night, for the good of furthering the line of Durin," he whispered finally, a sigh shuddering from him when the large doors of the council room swung open to reveal Dwalin and his beloved Kíli, the former looking concerned and the latter just plain livid.

In his weakness, all Fíli could think about in that moment was how badly he wished to collapse into his brother's arms and sob. 

"Oh. Mister Dwalin. Can you apologize to Mister Balin for my lateness? My Uncle had something he wished to speak to me about," he said faintly, voice muffled by the blood still streaming unhindered from his nose. Thorin had swung at him the moment the room had been empty and the pain was unbearable, but he was pretty sure nothing was broken at least. It doesn't help, either, that the dwarf King still has one hand fisted in Fíli's hair at the back of his neck, and the flogger held tight in the other.

"Tell him I'll be along shortly once I clean up."  
Kíli was livid, absolutely furious with the scene he and Dwalin had walked in on. His once beloved Uncle, standing over his brother looking like he’d be more than happy to beat the life out of his heir. He had to clench his fists so tight that his nails broke the skin of his palms to keep from just grabbing his sword and going after the King. 

And oh didn’t he look pleased as punch with the brunet’s reaction. Kíli, unlike his golden brother, had never been able to hide his feelings and it seemed that his Uncle noticed just how angry he was.

No. The raven haired dwarf standing before him now wasn’t his Uncle Thorin anymore. The dwarf that had sat in front of the hearth with both of his sister-sons in his lap, reading stories of great dwarves until bed time was long gone. In his place was a despicable creature that only cared for gold, a creature that would kill Fíli if it pleased him.

It made Kíli want to be sick.

He had hear horror stories of Thror in the height of his gold sickness before Smaug had come, but he can’t remember any of the stories talking about his great-grandfather being so cruel. If any of Thrain’s children, or even Thrain himself, had suffered the same punishments as Fíli was now, it was never mentioned. All he had ever heard was that Thror had spent nearly all his time in the treasury and Kíli desperately prayed to Mahal, daily, that Thorin would follow in his grandfather’s footsteps. 

At least if the King did hide himself away, Fíli would be left alone.

He didn’t know how much longer his beautiful older brother could suffer under the weight of Thorin’s expectations before he finally broke. 

The rare times that they got to have a private moment together, Kíli saw the way Fíli’s shoulder’s sagged and how truly exhausted he was. The brunet had even started to worry that his brother was losing too much weight, but Balin had brushed it off when he had tried to bring it up. Something about it only being the weight that he had put on while Fíli had been recovering from his injuries.

Kíli didn’t think the elder dwarf was right, he remembered how thin they all got while they were in Mirkwood and Fíli was starting to look like that again. He had tried to get his brother to eat more, but the blond had told him about the times that he would throw up, so Kíli had stopped pestering him about it.

Some of the others from the company had started to notice, too. They asked Kíli about it when they all met up at the tavern sometimes but he couldn’t help but think that they didn’t actually want to know the severity of what Fíli dealt with day-to-day, so he would brush it off like Balin had done. Thorin was only trying to ready his brother to be the Crowned Prince of Erebor and Fíli was busy was all.

That seemed to appease a few of the older members of the group and the conversation would be dropped. Kíli would go on laughing and joking like he always did and it wasn’t until it was just Bofur, Nori, and himself that he would admit what was going on.

The three of them would sit in a booth in the corner and they would allow Kíli to talk about the things that worried him.

He always started talking about his brother and just how worried he was for his health but as the ale flowed he would switch to Thorin or anything else, afraid that the ale would loosen his lips too much and he would say something that he’d never be able to take back. It wasn’t the punishment that he was worried about, it was that if Fíli knew where Kíli’s heart truly lay, his golden brother would turn him away.

The youngest of Durin’s line survived a lot of things but if Fíli ever left him, he was sure it would kill him instantly.

He may not be able to hide his emotions behind a princely mask like his brother could but he had a lot of time to learn how to keep his secret buried. For a time he was content that Fíli stood next to him as his brother, and while he was still grateful for that now he was just happy that his brother was alive after everything they’ve been through.

Through if he was being truly honest with himself, there were times when he wondered how things could have been if they had died in the battle. Usually it was in the dead of night when he would berate himself for actually having a small semblance of fun while his brother suffered that he would start thinking about what could have happened.

They could be in the halls of their ancestors right now, with the parents he’d never known and Fíli would be safe from Thorin. They would drink and talk and for once his worn down older brother would smile, truly smile, like he had before the quest and that would make Kíli smile, too.

Fíli hardly smiled anymore and when he did, it was a tired thing that barely reached his eyes.

It breaks the younger’s heart more than he would ever admit.

“Lad, go help your brother get cleaned up so he isn’t any later than he already is,” Dwalin says. Kíli looks up to study the gruff warrior for a moment before he nods and moves towards his kin. As he moves closer to the pair, he thinks that the King won’t relinquish his grip on Fíli. Thorin’s blue eyes dart between his younger nephew and his consort, looking something like a caged animal, before he wordlessly moved away.

It took every bit of Kíli’s self control to not just close the distance between him and his brother and haul the blond out of the room and maybe even out of Erebor itself.

He was careful in helping Fíli up and made sure not to touch him more than absolutely necessary, lest Thorin start raving about Kíli being too soft, and guided the blond to one of the servants passages that lead up to their rooms.

Once he closed the solid wood door behind them, he took his jacket off as quickly as he could and wrapped it around Fíli’s shoulders, trying to cover the tattered mess that used to be his brother’s tunic.

“Mahal, Fee! What happened?” His brown eyes are wide with worry as he starts to smooth down Fíli’s golden tresses, messed up by Thorin’s grip.

“Did you breathe too loudly during the council meeting or what?” It sounded like an exaggeration but Kíli wouldn’t put it past the King to punish his brother for doing something that he needed to do in order to live. 

Fíli managed a tiny smile for Kíli before he's falling face first into his bed, shivering at the pain coursing through his system at even this little movement. He knows he's getting blood on the sheets and his brother's jacket, but he can't muster the energy to really care in that moment, wrapped up as he was in Kíli's scent.

"Fell asleep. Started snoring in the middle of that old Firebeard Lord's dusty speech about why Bard shouldn't be allowed to rebuild Dale," he sighed, reaching out to grab his handkerchief from the bedside table and pinching it over his nose. 

He could enjoy at least a few moments of rest while it still bled. He couldn't very well show up to the library with his face a mess of clotted blood. Fíli could already imagine Balin's spluttering anger at him getting red all over his precious book on ancient Khuzdul. 

The mental image gave him a chuckle, and he let his eyes fall shut so he could properly enjoy it, before he remembered the order he'd been given by their King.

Blue eyes flit open to stare up at Kíli, and he could only hope the brunet saw just how much these words made his heart ache.

"Thorin has ordered me to find a bride tonight, my brother," he admitted softly, sitting up with a strained sound and gesturing at his desk for Kíli to get bandages and antiseptic for his back. It wasn't the first time Thorin had punished him with a beating, and Fíli had learned that it was better to care for his own wounds than deal with the interrogation he would get from Oin. 

No one could know just how far their King had fallen into madness. So far, besides him and his brother, only Dwalin really knew the full extent of the gold sickness, and Fíli intended to keep it that way. No point in everyone getting upset over what could not be changed. Thorin would only be angrier if people questioned his methods in rearing his sister sons, and would take that anger out on Fíli. After all, a Crown Prince dealt with his pain head on. He did not whine to his subjects. 

Fíli looked away from Kíli so he didn't have to see the look on his brother's face, waiting while the dwarf rummaged through his drawer for the bandages.

"He has decreed that if I do not choose someone to court this evening, he will... accept Dain's offer to buy me as a bed slave. If I cannot be any use as a Crown Prince, then I might as well be useful at enriching the kingdom's coffers, I guess. After all, he has you to take up the mantle of heir to the throne, so there is no point in keeping me when I could be better served as a bed warmer for an old, cruel King."

There was no small amount of bitterness in his tone as he relayed this to his brother, turning darkly shadowed eyes on the collection of knives spread out across his work table. He'd planned to clean them tonight after the feast, but perhaps if he did not find a bride he could just sheath one in his own heart. Death was better than becoming Dain's whore. Fíli was untouched, and had done no touching. Not even a kiss. He had decided long ago that while he could not have his One, it did not mean he had to betray his virtue to another. His body, even with the Wrongness that plagued it, was for Kíli, and no other. 

But Thorin planned to take even that from him, it seemed.

"There is no point in arguing with him. He has decided. I can only hope to find someone pleasant enough that being betrothed to her won't be as miserable as I fear."

Maybe someone with beautiful brown curls and eyes the color of melted chocolate.

But while Fíli was resigned to his fate, he did not realize that he still had people fighting to protect him from it. While he sat and was bandaged up by his brother, Dwalin and Balin were trying to get the mad King to see reason, to spare Fíli this horrific indignity no matter how much Dain offered to pay.

Unaware of those rallying to his defense in the council room, Fíli turned to look at Kíli and smiled, reaching out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. 

"At least if I marry we won't be parted, brother. The idea of being separated from you is perhaps the most unbearable thing of all." 

Kíli blinked owlishly at his brother a few times as the words sink in. Thorin ordered Fíli to find a bride. Tonight. The younger prince would have to sit and watch as his One chose someone to spend the rest of his life with. Someone that wasn't Kíli.

His Fíli was suddenly going to be someone else's Fíli. 

Now he really was going to be sick.

He tries to swallow down the bile that's rising in the back of his throat and turns to rummage through the desk for bandages. If he were actually paying attention he'd see that they're right on top but he's not and he's really just stirring around the contents of the drawer in his fog.

As far back as Kíli can remember it's always been the two of them, where one went the other followed. It was both of them against the world. They were going to rule together and make their ancestors proud. Now Fíli was going to choose a wife and if Mahal saw fit, they would have children. His golden brother was going to have a family and was going to be King, there would be no room for his younger brother in his life anymore besides as the Captain of his armies.

Fíli would have a loving family and Kíli would have nothing but duty and an empty heart.

And that was worse than any death sentence in the archer's mind.

He all but slams the drawer shut when his brother brings up Dain. He'd known about the offer from one King to another and almost ran off with his bow to bury an arrow in each of their hearts when he had found out. The only thing that kept him from doing just that had been Fíli. His golden brother had assured him that it would never come to that, Thorin would never sell his eldest sister-son and his heir like that. So Kíli had let his rage die down to a more manageable level, still bitter that his Uncle didn't have Dain's tongue for even suggesting such a thing. 

He gathered the bandages and the antiseptic in his arms before heading back to the blond. He watches Fíli's tired blue eyes as he speaks and can't help but remember how bright they used to be. 

The brunet lets out a long sigh, trying not to lean into his brother's touch too much. Fíli is right. Being married off is better than going to the Iron Hills to be Dain's pet. He may not have much of place in his brother's life after tonight but at least they'll still be in Erebor together.

That would have to be enough for him.

“You'll find someone great, Fíli, I know it,” he gives his brother his best reassuring smile before he moves to sit behind the blond. He removes his jacket from Fíli's shoulders and tries not to flinch at the marks on his skin. It's not the first time Thorin has seen fit to use a flogger but that doesn't make it any easier for Kíli to see. 

He nudges the other dwarf so that he'll take off what's left of his tunic and busies himself with trying to warm some of the antiseptic between his fingers. He's really just trying to keep his mind off the fact that the one person he wants most in this world is half naked in front of him.

“I'd never let you go to the Iron Hills alone, Fíli,” he says matter of factly. He'd never let Fíli go because he'd see Dain dead before they ever stepped foot out of the mountain. As long as Kíli still drew breath, he'd never let his brother suffer such an indignity.

Fíli manages another faint smile, staring at his hands folded in his lap to keep from wincing at the sting of his wounds. Thorin had been particularly vicious in his punishments today, and Fíli couldn't help fear that the gold sickness was getting worse. Many of those who now populated Erebor had been alive to see it fall, and they remembered the way Thror's own gold sickness had contributed to the coming of the dragon.

Soon the people would rise in anger that the line of Durin was so easily corrupted by madness. They would not so easily lose their home again, not when a King was so much easier to replace. Even after everything Thorin had done to him, Fíli still loved his Uncle. Loved the memory of the dwarf that tucked him in at night and chased away the imaginary orcs under his bed with Fíli's wooden play sword. He knew that Thorin was still in there somewhere, and maybe one day Thorin would know that, too.

"You would be barred from coming with me, Kee. You would become the Crown Prince if I were to be sold to Dain. You would become Thorin's heir," he reminded, chuckling briefly before his swollen nose gives a mighty throb, and he silences himself in favor of pinching the handkerchief over it once more.

 _Maybe I can find someone great, but they will never be you_ , he thinks to himself, plucking absently at a loose thread on his breeches.

He would try to find someone who was just as unhappy at this arrangement as him. A dwarf woman who would be plenty happy with being consort to the King without all the unnecessary addendums of married life. Fíli could never love her, whomever she may be. But he could come to care for her, and would respect her, as his wife and mother of his heir. He would not be happy, but he could learn to be comfortable at least.

When Kíli was finished with his bandages, Fíli stood up and went to the adjoining bathroom so he could finish cleaning the blood from his face and throat. His nose was spectacularly swollen and the skin around it was starting to purple, but both his eyes seemed fine at least, save the permanent shadows of exhaustion beneath them. There was little he could do about the blood still staining his braided moustache until he got a chance to take a proper bath.

"Maybe Balin will go easy on me today out of pity," he hummed absently, pulling a clean tunic over his head and lacing it up. He pats Kíli on the back and grabs his work for Balin off the desk before he heads out to his lesson, only hoping that the old dwarf was in a better mood than Fíli was.

Tonight he would be betraying his One.

He told himself that it was for the good of his people, and his own safety, that he did it.

Somehow, that knowledge didn't make it hurt any less.


	2. A Taste of the Forbidden Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli goes to a feast, Kíli gets drunk, and Balin sees the truth.

Kíli doesn’t watch Fíli go, he can’t watch the other half of his being walk away, he simply gathers up the rest of the bandages and antiseptic. He puts them all away just as neat as he’d found them and it isn’t until he shuts the drawer that the pain washes over him like a tidal wave.

His Fíli, his golden brother, his One, was going to married off and it wasn’t going to be to Kíli. It was never going to be to Kíli.

He makes it back to his brother’s bed before his legs give out and he falls onto it. He absently remembers to kick his boots off before he curls up in the middle, wrapping his arms around himself and burying his face into the blankets. It smells of Fíli and once upon a time it would have comforted him but now it shatters his already broken heart.

He clenches his eyes shut to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling and has to grind his teeth together to keep the sobs from escaping. He knows he shouldn’t be crying right now, he knows the love he feels for Fíli is wrong, but he doesn’t care.

All he cares about is how much he’s hurting.

Kíli curses Thorin for making Fíli be the one to bear heirs when he was the King. If he was so worried about the continuation of the line of Durin, he should marry and have children! He curses Mahal for making his older brother his One and then taking Fíli away from him like this. He even curses himself for ever having hope that Fíli could love him back.

He wants to be angry with his brother too, but he can’t, even if his life depended on it he can’t. The blond had no idea the depth of his younger brother’s love and that was Kíli’s fault.

His body shakes with the effort to keep quiet as he mourns something he was never allowed to have.

The young prince lays on his brother’s bed until he can’t cry anymore and his breathing returns to something like normal. He forces himself up - he can’t let Fíli find him like this, and puts his boots back on.

When he reaches to grab his jacket he realizes there’s a spot where his tears have soaked into the blanket. He lets out a long string of curses as he tries to use the sleeve of his tunic to dry it. Of course it doesn’t work and for a second he seriously considers screaming. That would bring the guards though, and he really doesn’t want to deal with the mess that would bring.

He snatches he jacket up and is about to slink off to his own room to change for the banquet when he remembers that he isn’t actually required to go. Mahal help him it’s such a cowardly thing to do he can’t face whoever is going to be lucky enough to be by Fíli’s side for the rest of his life. 

Instead of going and having his heart ripped from his chest as he smiles all the while, he’s going down to the tavern and drink until he bleeds ale. Maybe he’ll even get lucky and trip on some steps afterwards and split his skull open. 

Fíli isn't in a much better mood by the time he's arrived at the library, though it does improve when Balin takes one look at him and turns him right around to go sleep for a few hours before the feast.

He's pretty sure he could have kissed the old dwarf if he hadn't then given Fíli an armful of work to do on his way out the door, but, Fíli didn't much mind because this would be his first real chance to get a proper sleep in months. Hours snatched here and there could only sustain someone for so long, and his exhaustion was starting to hinder his day to day routine. A dwarf that was half starved and exhausted couldn't very be expected to hold themselves against the likes of Dwalin. Fíli had been doing good to fight him as an equal when he'd been properly fed and rested. He supposed it was a testament to his skill with a blade that Dwalin _didn't_ lay him out flat on his back every time, as exhausted and malnourished as he was. But even Fíli's strength had started to wane, and he started to find himself staring at the sky or choking on a mouthful of dirt more often than not these past days.

He's out cold by the time he collapses into his bed, barely caring enough to kick his boots off onto the floor. He breathes in the phantom smell of Kíli clinging to his pillows, and lets himself slip into dreams of his brother lying in his bed, waiting for him to return from his studies.

In the end, though, it is just a dream, and Fíli wakes up alone and as tired as ever. 

He's somber as he bathes and dresses in the fine crimson silk tunic and soft leather breeches Thorin expected him to wear, fighting the itch to hide knives on every possible spot of his body. It would be no good for the dwarf to finally lose his temper and bury one to the hilt in Thorin's heart. Not only would he be executed for treason, but he would have killed the only dwarf he ever really knew as a father. Monster or not, it was still Thorin, and Fíli did not believe himself capable of murdering him just yet.

Though perhaps if Thorin decided to turn his violent attentions to Kíli, Fíli might be much more easily swayed on the matter.

Fíli would allow the King to take out his rage on him, but the instant his gaze drifted to his beloved brother, he would sink a knife into his throat without a moment's hesitation or remorse.

He wasn't sure if this thought gave him comfort or fear.

In the end, he gives in and stuffs a knife into the specially made sheath in his boot before making his way to the feast with all the enthusiasm of a prisoner heading to the execution. His mood only darkens when he sees that Kíli is not there, his heart plummeting to the pit of his stomach.

He'd half hoped his brother would be there to help him through this horrid evening. He did not wish to take a wife that Kíli disliked, or didn't get along with. That Kíli would abandon him to this fate made his chest ache and bile rise in his throat, and Fíli had to force down several steadying gulps of mead from the mug Balin had brought over before he felt even remotely ready to face the sea of brightly colored dresses.

"I'm sorry you have to do this, lad. I truly am. A dwarf should be able to take the time to find his One before being forced into a loveless marriage," Balin said gently, squeezing his shoulder in a comforting manner.

Fíli could only manage a lukewarm smile in return, before the mask of the Crown Prince slid into its place.

"I already found my One, Balin. And I cannot have him."

He left Balin to mull those words over and wandered aimlessly through the crowd of dwarves until his attention was caught by a tall dwarf woman with a mane of wild brown curls that tumbled down her back. She was lithe for a dwarf, and when she turned and caught Fíli looking he noticed her eyes were the same color as her hair. Perhaps, if he squinted hard enough in their marriage bed, he could pretend she was Kíli. Enough, at least, that he wouldn't be accused of impotency for being unable to... rise to the occasion, so to speak.

He bowed low to her when she approached and introduced herself as Salfa, and even her voice had the same sort of rumbling timbre that Kíli's possessed, if much higher and softer than his brother's.

"Might I have the honor of a dance, my lady Salfa?" he asked, sinking smoothly into the persona of the Crown Prince that he had created, a teasing grin on his lips.

It felt wrong. 

It felt _dirty._

But as Fíli led the dwarf woman out onto the main floor and began to sway through the other dancing couples with her, he reminded himself that this was for Kíli. So his baby brother would be spared Thorin's wrath, and so Fíli never had to be parted from him. He only hoped that wherever Kíli was right now, he was having a better time than Fíli.

Kíli wasn’t faring any better than his older brother, unfortunately, though those around couldn’t tell. He’d come down here to drink as much as he could and stay away from thoughts of what may be happening at the feast. It was easy enough to pretend that he’s back in the Blue Mountains and that Fíli was just a few minutes behind him. All the taverns that he and his brother had ever visited always seemed to come with loud patrons and a smoky haze that never dissipated. This one is no different. 

Gods, the dwarf behind the bar even has a bald head like the one in Ered Luin did, and that makes him giggle into his drink.

The brunet had once told his brother that he sort of reminded the prince of Dwalin. Fíli had laughed, like he did all the time back then, and told Kíli that if he valued his life, he should make sure Dwalin never heard him say that.

They both had laughed a lot that night. He lets the memory settle around him like a warm blanket, or maybe that’s the alcohol, as he polishes off his third mug.

The fourth mug appears along with the red-headed barmaid. The Prince quickly says his thank you before the woman hums something that sounds like “my pleasure” and giving him a once over with her blue eyes. He tries not to squirm in his seat when she turns or notice that her eyes a just a few shades darker than Fíli’s.

He suddenly wonders if his soon to be sister will have blue eyes too. Which leads the traitorous part of Kíli’s mind finds more pleasure in reminding him of where he is, and where he should be.

He’s actually in Erebor trying to fill the empty space in his chest where his heart used to be with ale while his One woos a very lucky lady. He’s also being a coward because he can’t bow to said lucky lady and give his blessings, effectively making him Middle Earth’s worst brother.

In more ways than one. 

Good brothers don’t fall in love with their older brothers and then ditch them because they can’t face their future wife.

Kíli is already failing spectacularly then, so he might as well have another ale. He downs the last bit before flagging down the barmaid from his table in the corner, and Mahal bless her she’s quick to bring a refill.

If he happens to blush a little when she gives him a saucy smile and a wink, it’s the ale’s fault. And if he happens to imagine his brother giving him the same kind of look, well, that can be blamed on the alcohol too.

Well he could probably try to make himself feel better by saying he was avoiding the whole Dain thing. He knew if he saw a twitch on the King’s face that even slightly resembled disappointment at the loss of Fíli as his bed warmer the next time he paid a visit to Erebor, Kíli would have to give Thorin his head on the prettiest platter available.

What a mess that would cause. He decides that it’s a much better idea for him to be in the tavern where it’s far less likely that he’ll be the start of some massive war between the Iron Hills and Erebor. Of course, with Thorin as he is it probably wouldn’t come to that. Kíli would probably just have his own head removed and that’s something he could never let Fíli see.

Besides he likes his head right where it is thank you very much.

Maybe taking Dain’s head would start a fight and Fíli would fight alongside his younger brother again. He can’t imagine exactly how it would go but it wouldn’t end well for the pair of them, not when there is a dead King to avenge. He can think that they’d go out fighting like they always said they would when they were dwarflings. 

It wouldn’t be in the blaze of glory to protect their King and home but they would go together. It would also give those stuffy nobles something to talk about for a while. The ones that were there would probably bemoan the bloodstains they got on their fancy clothes to everyone that would listen.

Kíli scoffs into his drink as a familiar head of silver hair appears in the tavern. For a moment he’s tempted to wave but the still slightly sober part of him catches up pretty quick and squashes that.

That silver hair belongs to Balin. The same Balin that should be at the feast right now. The same feast that Kíli should also probably be at.

Uh-oh.

He sinks deep down in his chair and tries to blend in with the wood. 

Now, Balin had always been the dwarf others went to for advice. He always had the answers they needed to hear, the wise council they sought, and the steady head for solving difficult problems.

But this. _This_ wasn't something even he felt capable of tackling. Still, he felt obligated to try, if not for Fíli's sake then for Kíli's. The boy looked just about ready to drown himself in his ale. At least, until he catches sight of Balin and does his best imitation of a cornered animal trying to hide from a passing predator. 

"It's no use, lad, I've already seen you," he sighed wearily, taking the seat across from the young dwarf and folding his arms on the table.

He was pretty sure the only dwarf more miserable than Kíli right now was his older brother, currently struggling to find a single woman in the entirety of Erebor that didn't make him want to run in the opposite direction. If the situation wasn't so serious, Balin might have laughed at the notion that Fíli could face down legions of orcs and goblins without flinching, but the possibility of having to kiss a woman made him want to hide beneath a tablecloth and never come out again.

The boy may think no one could tell he was unhappy, with that cocky smirk plastered to his face, but Balin knew. Balin had helped raise these boys, had been tasked with their care while Thorin slaved away in the forges of men to try to scrape together enough to feed them. He had been the one to find them after Dis' death, and the image of a half starved Fíli sitting by the fire while he cradled a sleeping child to his chest was burned into his memory for the rest of his life. 

Even after watching his mother die, helpless to save her as a violent storm raged outside, and being tasked with the care of a newborn until someone came to check on them, the boy had turned to look at Balin and smiled. 

'Look at my baby brother, Uncle Balin!' he had crowed with undisguised pride, holding the infant out towards him with arms that shook from dehydration and hunger. Fíli hadn't dropped Kíli, though. Not then, nor any day since. He had always been single mindedly focused when it came to his brother's happiness and safety, even as a dwarfling of only five years. He hadn't yet lost his milk teeth, and already his entire life was devoted to looking after Kíli, to the point where Fíli had forgone eating just to make sure there was enough for his infant brother. 

Balin couldn't believe he'd been so willfully ignorant all these years not to see what was so plainly obvious.

"Your brother is currently in the great hall, dancing with every girl he can find with brown hair and eyes," he finally said, after several long moments of uncomfortable silence. The way this seemed to jerk Kíli out of his funk only proved to Balin, once and for all, that he wasn't imagining things.

_"I already found my One, Balin. And I cannot have him."_

His heart felt heavy at this realization, and he offered the lad a sad smile before reaching out to pat the back of his hand.

"You know our laws, my Prince, and your Uncle's decision on Fíli's responsibilities is final. But, I think, it would be good for both of you to at least be open with one another before he is wed, even if nothing can come of it."

Kíli studies the older dwarf in front of him, trying to find any hint that Balin is lying. There isn't any though, just sadness and he can't help but hang his head, his dark hair hiding his face.

Fíli was dancing with every girl that reminded him of his younger brother and Kíli wants to laugh because he'd done the same kind of thing before he realized that Fíli was his One.

Fíli loved Kíli and because of their circumstances, his older brother was trying to find a substitute for what he couldn't have.

It's a bittersweet realization. He and Fíli could never be together, not with the laws and Thorin's orders, but at least he knew that his brother loved him back. The knowledge would have to be enough to get him through the long nights that were headed his way. 

“If nothing can come of it then what's the point, Balin? If what you say is true then it will be easier for him to wed if he doesn't know,” he sighs. He looks up at the older dwarf through his bangs and tries to swallow the lump that's building in his throat.

The Prince should probably be telling Balin that he has no idea what the older dwarf is talking about, but one of the things he's learned in his life is that he can't lie to him. He can still feel his hand cramping from having to write lines for ages as a punishment.

At least Balin doesn't seem to be judging him for the love he has for Fíli, even encouraging the brothers to talk about it. Good ol' Balin is probably the only dwarf in Erebor that would think that the two being unable to be together is a sad thing. The rest of the mountain would think Fíli and Kíli sick and demand their heads.

“Does Thorin know?” He asks very seriously. Balin knows the laws just as well, probably better, as himself so he hopes that he doesn't have to worry about the older dwarf telling Thorin if he doesn't know. Maybe if the King wasn't suffering with the gold sickness Balin would tell him.

Thorin might be able figure out why Fíli was dancing with every brunet in the great hall on his own but he couldn't know that Kíli loved his older brother back. This new, crueler Thorin would only do Mahal knows what with that information.

They haven't acted on their feelings up to this point but that didn't mean Thorin couldn't still punish them by sending Kíli away to be married to Princess so-and-so.

Balin arches a snowy eyebrow at Kíli for even thinking that he'd tell their King such a thing with the state he was in now. Balin wouldn't trust this Thorin with the recipe for his favorite kind of tea, never mind with a secret that could be turned into something sinister.

This Thorin wouldn't hesitate to use the love his nephews had for one another against them. He probably wouldn't even hesitate to have them executed for it, with how far into madness he had fallen.

"Do you not feel some sort of relief in knowing that your feelings are shared, lad? Would you deny Fíli the chance for that same relief, that same easing of fear that you would turn away in disgust if you were to ever discover his secret?" he asked gently, squeezing the hand beneath his own before he's standing up and tucking them into his sleeves, gaze lingering on the brunet.

"Even if you cannot act upon it, Kíli, your brother has a right to know."

He paused before turning away and looked out at the inky darkness of night settling over the mountain.

"By now the party will have ended. Your brother will be in his quarters soon enough, if he isn't already. You should wait for him there."

With this last parting advice, Balin left the tavern to return to his own rooms, hoping that he hadn't just made a horrendous mistake.

He was right enough that Fíli was in his quarters, but he wasn't alone, and had he known that the Crown Prince had brought company back to his rooms he might not have told Kíli to go find his brother there.

"So this is what the bedroom of a future King looks like," a young brunette dwarf named Mysan purred as she stalked by Fíli into the room, shrewd brown eyes peering with interest at the papers piled on the desk and the still mussed sheets from his impromptu nap.

Fíli swallowed and nodded stiffly, his arms tight against his sides and body all but screaming his unhappiness at this development. She had insisted on seeing his rooms, though, and as it had taken him all night to find a single dwarf that didn't make him cringe within moments of meeting, his choices were rather limited. He'd half hoped he'd get lucky with the first woman he found, the Lady Salfa. But that had ended rather abruptly when she started insulting Kíli, talking about the rumors that he would sleep with any dwarf that caught his eye. 

He'd almost dropped her right there on the dance floor, but he'd been taught about the dishonor of hitting someone who was unarmed and unprepared to defend themselves. So instead he'd given her a cold smile with far too many teeth and walked away, leaving her to stand alone in the crowd of dancing couples.

Several women later, either so dainty looking that Fíli's upper lip curled in distaste, or of poor enough manners as to try and buy their way into his marriage bed, he'd finally encountered Mysan. She was of sturdy build and strong willed, and perhaps in another life where Kíli wasn't his One, Fíli would have loved her and married her happily. She wasn't one of those noble dwarf women that thought themselves above hard work, who had gone on with their wealthy lives in the Iron Hills while Fíli's people starved and slaved away in the cities of Men. She'd been born in the Blue Mountains, same as Fíli, to survivors of Smaug's wrath, and had been raised to respect the value of another's sweat and blood. 

Not a woman of noble lineage as Thorin probably hoped Fíli would find, but his Uncle hadn't been specific in his orders. He'd simply told the Prince to find a wife, and so find a wife he did. Her family was of good social standing and reputation, and her father was a lead Foreman in one of Erebor's great gold mines. He'd tell the King it would win the people over to their side fully if their Crown Prince married one of the common folk, perhaps, to persuade him to give his blessing.

Mysan wore the braids of a master metalworker and a middle range weapons expert, and Fíli could only hope that perhaps, some day, he could learn to be content with a marriage to her. At the very least, he would have a partner he respected and could enjoy the company of, and he would get to remain in Erebor with Kíli.

"My Prince?"

Mysan's voice cut into his musings and Fíli realized he'd been staring blankly at her for several long minutes. Heat rushed to his face as embarrassment overtook him, and he sat down heavily on his bed, running a hand through his hair.

"My apologies, Mysan. I fear I am quite tired from the festivities. Perhaps it would be best if we both turned in for the night," he murmured, studying the fur rug on the floor beside his bed as if it would come to life and give him all the answers he sought. He startles when his line of sight is interrupted by a midnight blue bodice, and he looks up to see that Mysan is standing very, very close to him.

"Perhaps it would," she said lightly, managing to squirm her way between his legs and standing against his seated form, guiding his arms to wrap around her waist.

Fíli swallowed thickly as he kept his eyes determinedly on her face, refusing to look at her chest, which was rather inconveniently at his eye level. She felt soft beneath his arms, though not as soft as Salfa or many of the other ladies he'd danced with did. She had muscle to her, the muscles one would expect from someone who was a master of the forge.

"I meant.. I meant in our own beds," he managed to choke out, hands flexing from where they rested at the small of her back, struggling not to ball into fists and shove her as far away as he could. Preferably all the way back to the Blue Mountains. 

Mysan hummed thoughtfully at that, as if considering his suggestion, before she leaned in to press her mouth dangerously close to Fíli's, eyes glittering with mischief.

"The night is still young, my Prince. And if we are to court it would be best for me to get to know my husband to be, would it not?" she teased, fingers trailing through Fíli's blond hair and dragging a shiver from the stiff dwarf beneath her before closing the gap and kissing him firmly, body pressed close to him.

Fíli was about as responsive to the kiss as a stone would be, and he's gone just as still as one as she did her best coax him into enjoying it, tongue licking across the tightly sealed seam of his mouth.

He'd been saving his first kiss.

He'd been saving it for Kíli.

And she'd just stolen it.

_She's to be your wife, Fíli. She's kissing her consort. You won't ever love her so at least let her have some enjoyment out of this arrangement,_ the traitorous voice in his head whispered, making him go boneless in her arms.

It was right, though. This dwarf was to be his wife in a few short months. He'd have to kiss her eventually, and do much more than that so she would bear his heirs.

Very, very tentatively he opened his mouth to her, and gave her what it was she wanted, letting his eyes fall close.

If he was careful not to breathe in her scent, and ignored the press of breasts against his chest, he could almost pretend it was Kíli pressed close to him. Kíli who tugged at his hair and tasted his mouth. 

_Kíli._

"Fíli?"


	3. Lead Us Not Into Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli is selfish, Fíli is relieved.

Kíli had left the tavern shortly after Balin, unsure if he was actually going to go talk to his brother or just go straight to his own bed. The old dwarf and his words had made it hard to continue with his drinking so he really had no choice but to leave.

Much to the disappointment of the red-headed barmaid. She'd only let him leave with the promise that he'd be back, which he would be whether she was there or not. She was pretty but even before he'd accepted that Fíli was his One, she wasn't really his type. Now that he knew who is One was, her attentions just make him uncomfortable, where before he would have maybe flirted a little before heading to his own bed alone.

The Prince stuffed his hands in his pockets as he wandered back up to the Royal Wing and his room. At least he should be going back to his own room. Even though Balin was right, he had felt a huge sense of relief knowing that Fíli loved him back, it didn't compare to how far down his heart had sunk when he realized that they would never be together.

Kíli had known that before of course but somehow knowing Fíli loved him made it so much worse.

Though knowing that he didn't have to worry about a single touch lingering just a moment too long would cause Fíli to figure out his secret and make his brother despise him was a relief. It wasn't so much a weight of his shoulders, although it's that too, it made his heart feel lighter as well. 

He loved Fíli and Fíli loved him in return. Despite everything, it made him smile just a little.

Kíli decides that he should talk to his brother about it then. He had enough to worry about without constantly worrying that his younger brother would find him detestable, like Kíli could ever do that anyway.

He doesn't bother knocking on Fíli's door before he goes in, he never does, and calls for his brother gently just in case he's sleeping.

What he sees though completely steals the air out of his lungs and freezes the blood in his veins. _His_ Fíli is there with someone else and they were kissing. His heart drops so fast and so far that he's sure it's gone straight past his stomach and down into one of his boots.

_Stupid dwarf, of course he doesn't love you. Why would he when he has her?_

It's only the look on the lady dwarf's face, something akin to wanting to break his nose, that he realizes what he has to do.

“Sorry! I just wanted to see how the feast went! Obviously very good since you're here,” he says quickly to his soon to be sister.

“I'm very happy for you both and I look forward to meeting you, later of course! You two have a good night,” he gives his best grin, before looking back to his brother. For once, he prays to Mahal that Fíli _can't_ tell how he's really feeling. He's quick to make his exit, closing the door behind him, and going to his own room, where he should have gone originally.

Kíli makes for the attached bathroom and splashes water on his face, but it doesn't help get the image of them together out of his mind. _His_ Fíli was kissing someone else, a someone that had her hands buried in his golden hair like Kíli had only dreamed of doing.

A sob escapes him before he clamps his hand over his mouth. There's nothing he can do to stop the tears that have started to roll down his cheeks, though. 

Fíli is pretty sure that if he'd eaten anything at the feast he'd currently be vomiting it up onto the pretty blue dress Mysan was wearing at the sight of Kíli, his beloved Kíli, standing in his doorway and looking like the world had just fallen out from under him. He'd never intended for Kíli to see this, never _wanted_ him to see this. 

At the sound of the utter devastation in his brother's voice, Fíli was on his feet and shoving the other dwarf away from him, halfway to the door without a second thought.

"Goodnight, Lady Mysan. I hope you understand that you'll need to show yourself back to your room," he ordered, giving her his best Intimidating Crown Prince Stare to get the message across before he's off with a flash, running down the halls to where his brother's quarters lay.

He'd tread these familiar stones so many times before, and yet now it felt different. It was as if his steps had wings gifted to them by the dangerous hope filling his heart.

But when he's outside Kíli's door he stutters to a stop, hands pressed against the smooth wood and chest heaving. What if Kíli had merely been embarrassed to walk in on something like that? He dare not call it intimate, for it was little more than fulfilling an end of a contract for Fíli, but to Kíli it might have been more.

Gathering what meager strands of courage he had left, Fíli shoved open the door and closed it behind him, staring at the entryway to Kíli's bathroom where his brother stood, hair wet and eyes shining.

"Kee. I-"

His words catch in his throat and he clutches at a handful of his tunic, wishing now more than ever that they were back in the Blue Mountains, where they were just two anonymous souls in a sea of dwarves.

"My brother.. I.. I was merely giving her what it was she desired. To enter into a loveless marriage is a heavy price. The least I could do is give her the affection she deserved," he said finally, each word like a stone in his heart. He had made his beautiful brother cry. _He_ was the source of Kíli's pain. Now more than ever he desired to hurt himself, to be punished for this most unforgivable of sins. He had spent his life protecting Kíli from harm, and now he was the one causing the harm. 

Fíli felt as if he were walking on a tightrope. One wrong word, one wrong move, and everything would fall apart between them.

"She is a good dwarf. She is smart, and strong, and skilled with a blade and a master at the forge. She could never.. She could never be you, but I would have tried to be happy with her! I would have tried to be with her, for you, for us, Kíli!"

His heart is throbbing in his throat at the none too thinly veiled confession in these words, staring at the other dwarf, the other half of his _soul_ with something akin to desperation. Desperation for what, Fíli wasn't sure. However, desperation breeds rashness, and he can't help the pained words that spill from him now that the floodgates have fallen.

"How many years have I been forced to watch as you bed any dwarf that looks your way? How many years have I stood by silently while you kissed and flirted and toyed with this barmaid and that, Kíli? How many years must I be punished for the crime of loving my little brother?!"

He's out of breath and near hysterical by the time he manages to reign in his words, tears welling in his own eyes, now, at this confession. His hands have balled into fists at his sides, but he's not moved from his place by the door, rooted to the spot. To tell Kíli this, now, was like being released from the weight of a thousand stones upon his shoulders. 

Fíli's gaze drops to the floor and he slowly sinks back to rest against the sturdy wood, an air of defeat creeping over him.

"I am sorry, Kíli. For everything. But most of all for forcing these sinful feelings on you and causing you such pain. I will tell Uncle to accept Dain's coin and travel to the Iron Hills on the next caravan. I'll go away and you'll never have to see me again, I promise," he murmured, a faint, sad smile curling at the corner of his lips.

"I just hope you'll think kinder of me in the years to come."

Fíli was a fool. A thrice damned fool.

“Don't you dare,” Kíli growls, his brown eyes locking onto his brother. “Don't you dare leave me here alone while you go to be with that,” he waves one of his hands in the air, trying to think of a good term but not being able to come up with one that conveys his burning hatred properly, “that walking pile of orc shit!” Especially after everything Fíli has just said, he can't let his brother go with _Dain_.

“I may not be able to stop you from getting married but I swear Fee, if you leave to go be with him in the Iron Hills, I'll have an arrow buried deep in his black heart before you two even reach the front gate.” There's a fire in his eyes and a sincerity in his voice that even he has never known before. The younger Prince may never be able to say that Fíli is anything but his brother but he's not about to let him belong to that sorry excuse for a dwarf. At least that woman in the blue dress would treat the blond with the dignity and respect he deserved.

The brunet thought he was going to be sick listening to Fíli go on and on about his new wife, but she would be much more preferable next to _Dain_. His brother's confession still had him reeling because there had been no way the other dwarf had said what he thought he said. No, it had to have been a mix of the ale and his broken heart.

But hearing his brother talk about his _exploits_ filled Kíli with shame and overwhelming guilt. In the short time he'd known about Fíli's feelings, he hadn't had the chance to stop and consider how those others would have hurt him.

And oh how he's hurt Fíli.

The younger decides that watching his One be married off to another is fair punishment for every dwarf that he was with while he'd been in denial. He lets his anger with the other King go as he starts to move towards Fíli.

“They were never meant to be a punishment for you, brother dear. I knew what I felt, what I still feel, for you was wrong and I thought I could fix it by filling my bed with strangers,” he says gently, stopping in front of the blond. It's no doubt the worst apology he's ever given but he's not looking for forgiveness, as he doesn't deserve it. He's hurt his brother, his _One,_ too much for that.

Looking over Fíli now, he can't help but want to be selfish just once. His sister-to-be was going to get Fíli for the rest of their lives, was going to get to kiss and touch him in ways Kíli would only ever be able to dream about.

“I couldn't think any higher of you if you were Mahal Himself,” he says with a small smile. What he's about to do is wrong but he can't really help himself. He's always been impulsive and really all he needs is just this one thing to be able to make it through Fíli's marriage.

He brings their lips together, gently kissing his brother in the way he's always been told brothers should never do. Truly, he could cry at finally being able to have this, and it's everything he'd hoped their first kiss to be and yet so much better than he dreamed.

Fíli's convinced his heart has actually stopped beating in his chest the moment Kíli's mouth is against his own, hands coming up to fist in the front of his brother's tunic. It's so different from the kiss moments ago with Mysan, with her soft lips and insistent tongue.

Kíli's kiss is so tender it almost hurts, his lips faintly chapped and firm against Fíli's own. He'd never dared to dream, never dared to _hope _, and he shudders at the wave of delight that rushes down his spine to blossom as heat in the pit of his stomach.__

__He'd never wanted anyone more than he wanted Kíli right in this moment._ _

__Fíli throws his arms around his brother's shoulders and drags him close as he clumsily tries to deepen the kiss, lips parted and tongue begging for entry. When it's granted he all but licks his way into Kíli's mouth, seeking the forbidden taste of his younger brother. So much sweeter than the kiss of the dwarf woman whose name he's now forgotten, heart and soul soaring with the delight of being so close to his beloved One._ _

__The door is steady against his back as he pulls Kíli as close to him as he can possibly get, hips grinding forward against his brother's in an instinctive search for friction._ _

__He's never been intimate with another before, and Fíli's deep seated distaste for the Wrongness of his body kept him from doing much to create his own pleasure. He was already hard in his trousers just from the filthy kiss and the firm weight of Kíli against him, and he decides he's happy to have waited so long to have this, because it meant his brother would be his first._ _

__"There's only been you. There's only _ever_ been you. I never need anyone else ever again so long as you're by my side!" he hissed desperately against his brother's mouth, burying his fingers into Kíli's tangled brown hair to pull him in for another kiss, teeth clacking at the ferocity of Fíli's need. _ _

__The Prince sent a silent prayer to Mahal to let him have this single blessed moment with his One. Just this once and he would do anything Thorin wanted, anything at all._ _

__Just this once, and Fíli could learn to be content._ _

__Kíli presses against Fíli as much as he can, wanting to be as close as he can to his brother right now. He wants more though. He wants more of Fíli's tongue in his mouth and more of the taste of Fíli on his own tongue. He wants to feel every inch of his brother's bared skin against his own, to take him to bed and worship every inch of his One's body. He wants to keep him in his bed until there isn't a doubt in Fíli's mind that he's all Kíli has ever needed or wanted._ _

__It would have to wait though; right now he's too caught up in the blond's hips grinding against his own. He's also afraid that if they stop for even a moment, one of them may come to their senses and they'll lose this chance forever. He won't let that happen, he's waited too long through too many lonely nights to let this slip through their fingers._ _

__The brunet _needs_ to feel his brother's skin though, even if it's only a little. He pushes up the edge of Fíli's tunic just enough that he can rest a hand on the bare skin of his hip as they grind together. His other hand rests against the side of the blond's neck with his pulse pounding quickly under Kíli's calloused fingers._ _

__The beat reminds him that this isn't a dream._ _

__He's _actually_ here with his One and they're actually kissing and writhing together. The younger Prince has been with so many others before but none of them could ever compare to being with his brother, even with them both still fully clothed._ _

__“I've always loved you, Fee,” he pants. “I've only loved you.” He drags his teeth over Fíli's bottom lip before letting his tongue slip back inside his mouth. Kíli's hand grips around his brother's hip as he moans when their cocks grind together in a particularly delicious way._ _

__Fíli isn't sure how much longer he's going to hold out against the pleasure building inside him, muffling a sharp cry by burying his face in the crook of Kíli's neck. Sweat has begun to bead on his forehead and the sharp tang of it clings to his brother's skin, filling the air with the smell of sex._ _

__If this is all some cruel dream, he can only hope to never wake from it. Fíli could spend the rest of eternity in this moment._ _

__"Oh Mahal, Kee.. I've always loved you, too. My One, my beautiful little brother," he whimpers into Kíli's hair, fingers massaging against his scalp as his hips rock and buck of their own accord. He may have no experience, but his body knows what it wants, and he manages to slot himself against Kíli so that his brother's leg is between his own, grinding his need against Kíli's thickly muscled thigh._ _

__Fíli presses his forehead to his brother's, and in that, single moment, their breath mingling between their gasping mouths, he realizes there's no going back. Not from this. Not for him. Kíli was branded onto his soul, now, and there was no way Fíli could just go on with his life any longer. Not when he'd had a taste of the forbidden fruit he'd longed to have for so long._ _

__His breathing ratchets and his grip on the other dwarf becomes almost painfully tight as the change in position gives Fíli that last little push over the edge, sobbing out his brother's name into his mouth as he comes with blinding force._ _

__"Kíli!"_ _

__It's the combination of the fingers in his hair and hearing his own name on his brother's lips that has Kíli coming too. The hand on Fíli's hip tightens as he continues to roll his hips, trying to drag the moment out for as long as he can, while he lazily kisses the blond. When it starts to become too much he pulls his hips away from the other, but he keeps the rest of their bodies connected, unwilling to be parted from his brother just yet._ _

__He might be a little embarrassed by his lack of stamina if it weren't for the fact that he'd been waiting for a chance like this since he learned such things happened between two dwarves._ _

__He moves the hand that had been on Fíli's neck to the door behind him, trying to keep them both from simply sagging to the floor, and replaces his hand with his lips. He can feel his brother's pulse still beating rapidly just under the skin and there's an overwhelming need to leave a mark there. He'd kiss and suck and nibble until there was a dark bruise, leaving no doubt that the blond was his._ _

__Kíli has enough presence of mind to know that leaving marks is a bad idea, so he settles for kissing over the pulse and running his tongue over it just once._ _

__“Let's runaway, Fee,” he blurts before he has a chance to think about it. Now that he's said it though, he thinks it's probably one of the best ideas he's ever had._ _

__“We can go somewhere far away, where we can be together,” he murmurs and rests his forehead against his brother's. He doesn't know where that place is exactly but they wouldn't be Fíli and Kíli the Princes of Erebor, they'd just be Fíli and Kíli. Just two regular dwarves with no royal lineage or duty to produce heirs._ _

__They could live in a little house like they did in Ered Luin and they could wear each other's braids. Kíli would even make sure that his braid stayed in instead of constantly trying to undo it, he'd even sit as still as he could when Fíli would redo it in the mornings._ _

__This is definitely one of his best ideas, he loves it already._ _

__Fíli can't help the wistful smile spreading over his face the idea of going far away with Kíli, so far away that Thorin would never find them, and no one would know their names. They could pass as lovers, never having to admit that they were ever brothers. They looked different enough, with Kíli inheriting the dark looks of the line of Durin while Fíli had the fair hair of their father's kin, that no one would question their relation._ _

__Fíli could work in the forges, and Kíli could trap and sell animals for their fur and meat. They wouldn't be wealthy, no, but they'd get by. And they would be able to stay together._ _

__It fades, though, when he remembers their responsibilities, and all that they've fought for these past few years. The risks they'd taken in reclaiming Erebor, and all Fíli had suffered through this past months will have been for nothing if they run away now._ _

__"My beloved.. I wish more than anything that we could leave together.. But we have responsibilities. We're the heirs to the throne. Our people need us now more than ever to lead them, and protect them, against Uncle's madness," he murmured, cupping his hand against Kíli's cheek and swiping his thumb across his kiss swollen lips._ _

__He drinks in the sight of his brother's face, sweaty and flushed still from their coupling, tries to commit it to memory so he can revisit this moment whenever he chooses._ _

__"I'll marry her. I'll go to Mysan and I'll propose. I'll give Thorin and our people what they want, and I'll stay here, in Erebor, with you. She'll be my wife, but you'll be my love. My One. The only dwarf I'll ever desire," Fíli decided finally, pushing his forehead against Kíli's and willing his brother to understand. They couldn't run away, and Fíli couldn't bear to be parted from Kíli. This was the one choice they had left to them._ _

__"I'll come visit you often, and we'll go on hunting trips alone together, and while she stays behind I will take you on political visits to the Mirkwood and Ered Luin and Rivendell and Gondor and the Shire and every single place in Middle Earth I can think of to be away from her, and by your side, my brother."_ _

__He tightens his arm around Kíli's middle as if afraid he would turn away, would tell Fíli this wouldn't work. But after getting a taste, the blond Prince needed his One like he needed to breathe and to eat._ _

__"Kíli, please. This is our best option. I know that it is awful, but I can't.. I can't be parted from you. We'll have to be careful not to be found out, at least until I am King and I can change the old laws, brother, but please. Please don't turn me away. Not after I've finally gotten to have what I've dreamed of for so long."_ _

__Kíli's heart sinks deeper and deeper as his brother speaks, it's so deep he thinks that its back in his boot again._ _

__Leave it up to Fíli to think about their responsibilities to a place that he'd never really called home and Thorin called his birthright._ _

__The younger wants to be angry and push his brother away, storm into his room and throw things like a spoiled brat, screaming about how this isn't fair before crawling into his bed and crying because Fíli can never truly be all his. He would have to share _his_ One because they were heirs to a dwarf that was losing his mind._ _

__One look into Fíli's blue eyes though and he can see the fear there, can almost see the blond imagining Kíli turning him away. That's all it takes for the fight and anger to leave him._ _

__Instead he just feels sick. Mysan would get to be the one that everyone sees standing next to Fíli, wearing Fíli's braid and his bead. Mysan would be the one that got to fall asleep in Fíli's bed every night and wouldn't have to worry about being caught._ _

__Kíli would never get any of that, not for a long time at least. Fíli wouldn't be able to spend the night in his bed lest they be caught and he couldn't stay in Fíli's because of Mysan. They would be a secret kept behind locked doors while Mysan would have to flaunted to keep Thorin happy. Mysan would have to have Fíli's heirs too._ _

__He would have his brother's love though and he would always be grateful for that, he knew he wasn't going to be happy until he could be with Fíli like Mysan was going to be able to. That wouldn't be until Thorin stepped down and he already knew that stubborn dwarf was going to wait until he was on his deathbed to do that, just to spite his sister-sons._ _

__The brunet would wait though. At least he would get his brother as often as they could afford without being caught. He would have those times to keep him warm at night when Fíli couldn't._ _

__He didn't like feeling like a dirty secret but at least his would still have his brother and his One. Something was far better than nothing._ _

__How Kíli ever thought he could be happy with just one kiss from Fíli was beyond him now._ _

__He nuzzled against his One, knowing he needs to say something but not knowing exactly what since there are so many things he feels like he needs to say._ _

__“I hate it, Fee. I hate it but I can't walk away from you. You aren't the only one that's been waiting a long time for this,” he sighs sadly._ _

__Fíli carefully settled them both on the floor, Kíli held close to him on his lap, arms tight around his waist. He was so solid, so warm, and after everything he was still waiting for the dwarf to fade away. For Fíli to wake up to a cold bed, alone._ _

__"I hate it, too, Kíli. I hate it so much I can't hardly stand it. But I would rather bear this loathsome task and get to be by your side, than be without you for a moment longer," he admitted in a soft whisper, sliding his fingers through Kíli's impossibly messy hair._ _

__He has an idea and he guides them both to stand, pushing Kíli down onto his bed and grabbing the dwarf's hairbrush from his desk before sliding up behind him, kneeling comfortably at his back._ _

__"I can't give you a courting braid, but I can give you this," he murmured, staring at the end of Kíli's wild locks and gently dragging the brush through the tangles, patient as he loosened each and every knot. He hums the song of the Misty Mountains as he works, feeling the heat radiating off his brother's back and remembering when his mother used to do this for him as a small dwarfling, cradling him in her lap and telling him he was going to be a big brother as she brushed his leaf matted hair out. It was one of his most treasured memories._ _

__He worked until Kíli's hair was sleek and shiny, slipping his hands between the layers and making a small, neat braid that would be all but invisible in the masses of brown. A braid of love, possession, and desire. A braid just for them._ _

__He makes two visible braids on either side of Kíli's ears that match Fíli's own. Braids that speak of a close bond between brothers, clasped shut with the beads from his moustache._ _

__"No one ever has to know the details of our close bond," he murmured, pressing a kiss to each bead and offering the brunet a soft smile, fingers carding through the loose strands at his temples. He couldn't deny the thrill of excitement he felt at the idea of Kíli wearing his braids, even if no one could ever knew what they truly stood for. It would be good enough for Fíli that _they_ knew. _ _

__He pressed one last chaste kiss to Kíli's lips before he's standing, tugging on the hem of his tunic so it covers the wet spot on the front of his trousers._ _

__"I have to get some rest before training with Dwalin tomorrow. I will speak with Mysan and Uncle about marriage before the council meeting. I just want it done with as soon as possible, so we don't have to be afraid of Dain's offer any longer," he said wearily, longing to slide into Kíli's bed and hold his brother close as they slept. But that was not something they could ever have, not for many years._ _

__"I will visit you after my lessons with Balin and tell you the news."_ _

__He smiled faintly and indulged himself in a final kiss before leaving the room._ _

__Every step away from his One felt like a shard of glass in his gut, but he forced himself to go all the way back to his bedroom and close the door firmly behind him, his heart wailing all the while for him to return._ _

__It was for his own good. For _their_ own good that he did this._ _

__Tomorrow he would meet with Mysan, beg her forgiveness and her indulgence in a second chance at courting, and then he would go to his Uncle with the good news. Thorin would be appeased his heir had a wife, Dain would be disappointed, and Fíli would enjoy a lifetime with his brother's love warming his soul._ _

__But as the old saying goes, the best laid plans are always the first to go astray._ _


	4. And They All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin makes a decree, Fíli and Kíli decide to flee.

For a second time that night, Kíli doesn't watch his One leave, though he does feel better than he did the first time, if only marginally. His very soul demands that he go to Fíli’s room and spend the night in each other’s arms, but he knows why that can’t happen.

He has Fíli’s braids in his hair though and for right now, it’s enough to make him smile a little as the runs his fingers over the first braid his brother made. _Their_ braid, his favorite braid. He plays with the other two just so he doesn’t start a habit of reaching for the secret one.

Surprisingly he doesn’t want to pick at them until they fall out, in fact he’s sure that if they did he’d go to Fíli’s room and make him do them again. For a moment he actually entertains the idea of doing just that so he can see his brother again tonight before he moves to stand and is reminded that he’s sticky and wet.

He needs a bath.

Kíli lets out a long, annoyed groan before kicking off his boots and then his trousers and smalls, letting them go flying in the general direction of the dirty clothes bin. He’s much more careful about taking off his tunic, not wanting to snag the beads on the lacings. He’s careful when he’s in the bathroom tying his hair up too - he doesn’t want the braids to come out in the water or when he undoes the leather strip when he’s done.

He’s tired, so he’s quick to scrub everywhere that needs to be scrubbed even, with a little part of him bemoaning the fact that he’s washing away the scent of Fíli. He knows how to fix that though and as soon as he towels himself off, pulls the tie from his hair, and goes to the mirror to make sure all the braids are still fine, he finds the tunic he was wearing earlier and slips it back on, climbing into bed.

The brunet falls asleep with his brother’s scent surrounding him and the memory of his body against his. It’s a much more peaceful sleep then he’d thought he’d get tonight.

Until Ori comes in bright and early, so they can study. At least the younger dwarf has the sense to bring breakfast with him. So after Kíli dresses and stuffs his face, much to Ori’s annoyance, which makes him sound like Dori and that remark earns the Prince some additional reading, they spend the morning going over the history of their people.

It’s boring but Kíli really does try to pay attention and not think about getting to see Fíli in a few hours.

The pair head down to the kitchens for lunch and meet up with Bombur and Bofur, and the four sit and talk while they eat smoked ham and potatoes, steering clear of talk about the King - just a lot of idle chit-chat really. 

Kíli, Bofur, and Ori leave together though they don’t walk together long. Bofur has to get back down to the mines and Ori has to find Dori before his older brother has a fit. The Prince says his goodbyes and tries not to run too quickly back up to his room.

In a few hours he'd get to see Fíli. He only hoped his brother's day was going as smoothly as his own.

And Fíli's day certainly does start better than the last several have. He's not sure if that's because he actually got to rest the day before, despite his injuries, or because of how light his body felt from the realization of the bond between him and his One.

Either way, his body moves with more energy than he's known in weeks, and Dwalin isn't able to lay him out on his back a single time that morning. The gruff warrior is impressed with the blond Prince's skills with a blade, particularly when he wields his dual swords. It takes an incredible amount of work and time to master one blade, but to master two? Fíli had been training since childhood, and even Dwalin had to admit he was pleased, and surprised, with the remarkable progress the dwarf had made in the years he'd trained him. The Prince was a natural with a sword, and if Dis were alive to ask he'd be interrogating her about whether the boy was born with one in hand. 

He knew the reasons why Fíli fought to become such a Master with the blade, of course. Only a blind fool wouldn't see that Fíli's entire life was devoted to his brother. To protecting him, and keeping him safe from harm. It'd been why he had picked up a sword so young and begged Dwalin to teach him to fight. It was why he continued to meet every one of Thorin's increasingly insane demands. 

Unaware of Dwalin's musings over his motivations and skills, Fíli is checking his blades over for any nicks or imperfections from their practice before returning them to the special double sheath he'd made himself. It made it easy to remove both swords with fluid ease; one from over his right shoulder and the other from under his left arm. The oblong design was also compact and less cumbersome than crossed sheaths across the back. 

He's actually _smiling_ by the time he's returned his weapons to his room and changed into his formal wear for the afternoon's council meeting, making his way towards the, for now, empty library where he'd asked Mysan to meet him. The smile fades, though, at the look on her face when he enters the room, choosing to stay by the door than approach the visibly enraged dwarf.

"If you've come to try and woo me, Prince Fíli, I'm here to say you're wasting your breath. Last night you embarrassed and shamed me. Left me to walk back to my quarters alone, so you could chase after your whelp of a brother! I am no common tavern wench that you can just take what you want from me and then leave," she snapped, giving him a glare to wither even the tallest of trees. He winces at the truth in her words, ducking his head to stare determinedly at his boots. This wasn't going anywhere near the way he'd planned. Thorin had given him the deadline of last night, and if Mysan refused to give him any quarter, then he had nothing to bring to the table.

"Mysan, I swear on my honor, it wasn't like that. He was upset about something and I just.. It's only ever been us, you know? The two of us. I'm his big brother, what was I supposed to do?" he sighed, staring at her desperately. 

She seemed wholly unimpressed, however, and folded her arms over her chest, staring down her nose at the Prince.

"You were supposed to tell me goodnight and take me back to my room! I had just agreed to be your consort, to become your wife, and you toss me out the door like some disreputable slattern! When is your brother going to grow up, Fíli? When are _you_ going to grow up?" 

She pushes her way past him and storms away in an indignant huff, grumbling under her breath about fool Princes and the insanity of royalty, not realizing the damage she had just done.

Fíli wants to throw up.

No, no, he is going to throw up.

After emptying his stomach into one of the waste baskets normally used for used parchments and papers, he staggers blindly in the direction of the council rooms. It wouldn't do to be late, not after falling asleep on the table, yesterday. Especially not when he was hoping to beg for mercy from the mad King.

His luck makes a reappearance, and the council room is only occupied by Thorin and Balin, who had decided to sit in on today's meeting at the urging of the King's Consort. More for Fíli's protection than any real need to be there, though neither Thorin nor Fíli were aware. 

Fíli takes some heart in the wise old dwarf's presence and sits down at Thorin's right, stomach surging painfully at the neutral look his Uncle gives him. Eyes that were once full of so much warmth and affection were now dull with indifference. 

"Uncle.. I was, unfortunately, unable to find a wife last night that bore the proper respect and dignity a consort of the line of Durin should maintain. Perhaps if you gave me more time, my King, I could find a suitable-"

Thorin cut him off with a raised hand, looking down at his papers for today's meeting and shuffling idly through them, as if what Fíli had to say actually bored him.

"I already said what was to be done, and you did not do it. I will send Dain a raven after supper to let him know that his offer has been accepted, then. There is a caravan to the Iron Hills in six days time. I expect you'll be packed and on it, nephew?"

He surveyed the stunned blond critically, watching as Fíli's mouth opened and closed wordlessly. 

So then Thorin had truly sunk so far into the madness as to subject Fíli to such a horrid fate without so much as a moment's hesitation?

Something inside him broke, then. The same something that had pushed him all his life to make Thorin proud, to be just like him when he grew older. To be worthy of being called his son, his _heir._

What good was it to be called son by a mad King?

Balin looked as if he were about to be sick and opened his mouth to protest, but he too was silenced by Thorin's raised hand.

"My decision is final. I will entertain no arguments."

Fíli let his gaze slowly sink to his lap, his ears ringing as the shock settled over him. When he spoke, his voice sounded like it was coming from many miles off, hollow and tired even to his own ears.

"Then, Uncle, would it be permissible for Kíli and I to go hunting together these next few days? I will miss him terribly, and I can tell him about his duties as Erebor's Crown Prince while we are away," he said evenly, not noticing the way Balin's head whipped up at this, or the eyes that bored into his forehead.

Thorin paused to consider this and huffed his consent, waving his hand as a dismissal to the blond. After all, as Dain's property, now, there was no reason he should sit in on council meetings any longer.

Fíli stood dazedly and took a moment to steady himself on his feet, staring out the openings in the stone wall at the blue sky outside. 

"If we ever meet again, Uncle, I do hope that you will remember the love you once held for me as your son. I fear I will miss you greatly, even if you are not now the great dwarf I know you to be."

His steps are slow and even as he leaves the council room for the last time, for all the world to see a defeated dwarf resigned to his fate. The moment he has made it halfway down the great hall his steps become lighter, and quicker, and when he makes it to Kíli's room, he flings himself inside it and slams the door, eyes wide and chest heaving.

"Pack your things, Kee. Uncle has gone mad and decided to sell me to Dain. I've stalled him by asking for one last hunting trip with you to say my goodbyes, but we only have five days to get as far away from here as possible," he pants, shivering violently from the shock and adrenaline of what just happened, looking much more like a panicked deer than a dwarf.

"We'll pack provisions and water for five days, and take our ponies. Pack only what you can carry on your back in case the ponies bolt when we get to the Mirkwood."

He grit his teeth and slowly sank down onto the floor, laughing bitterly when he remembered the empty promises he'd made just the night before in this very spot.

The best laid plans indeed.

Kíli nearly jumps out of skin when Fíli comes barreling through his door, thankfully he’s developed the reflex to grip tighter to his bow when he’s startled instead of dropping it. He had just finished restringing his favorite weapon when his brother decided to give him a heart-attack.

He’s about to make a joke about how much the blond had missed him when he turns to see the look of pure panic on his face and the joke dies instantly on his lips.

The brunet is over to Fíli and pulling him close as fast as his feet can get him there, depositing his bow on the bed as he goes. He presses quick kisses into his brother’s golden hair and along his forehead and temple.

“We’ll have to go a lot further than the Mirkwood to outrun Thorin,” he sighs. He really doesn’t want to go back into that Mahal forsaken place but if he has to in order to save Fíli from Dain, he’ll do it a hundred times and won’t complain once.

He is concerned about running into Thranduil again though. The last time they were in the Elven King’s realm they had been locked away in the dungeon and Kíli wasn’t able to see his brother.

It’s not exactly like relations between the elves of the Mirkwood and the dwarves of Erebor have improved much since then. He doesn’t think it’s rather reasonable to think that they’re going to be locked away again. Maybe Thranduil would just hand them back over to Thorin.

“Beorn might be willing to help us again since it’s just the two of us and from there we could go back to Rivendell,” he says, thinking quickly. He doesn’t want to go back through the mountains either, he’d almost lost Fíli twice there and didn’t relish the thought of reliving those events.

“Where do we go from there though? No doubt they’ll look for us in Rivendell and the Blue Mountains are a rather obvious hiding spot.” Kíli wouldn’t mind being able to go home but Thorin would look there. Suddenly it feels like every one of their options leads to Thorin finding them.

“I won’t let them take you to the Iron Hills, Fee. I don’t care what I have to do, I won’t let them take you.” 

Fíli lets himself be soothed by the tightness of Kíli's arms around him, and the smell of him as he buries his face into his brother's hair. He's ridiculously happy to feel the braids he'd put there against his cheek, fingers curling around handfuls of the dwarf's loose brown tunic.

"We'll.. We'll go to the Shire, brother. To Mister Bilbo," he whispered suddenly, struck by the idea and sitting back to stare at Kíli with awe, as if it'd been obvious from the start.

"Uncle would never think to look for us there. He's all but forgotten our burglar in his madness. Plus he still thinks us to be incapable dwarflings. He'd never believe it possible for us to make it there on our own. We'll stop at the Mirkwood, and Beorn's, and Rivendell along the way to rest and resupply. And I'm sure once we explain our situation then we'll have those willing to aid us in our escape. Lord Thranduil bears no fondness for our Uncle, and any chance to slight him would be gladly welcomed. Especially if that slight comes at the hands of Thorin's own nephews!"

Not to mention, the Elf King wasn't as cruel and cold as everyone always insisted he was. He'd been Fíli's one visitor in those long weeks of isolation, bring him medicines and helping him to heal. He'd saved his life and kept him from falling into darkness. He had been nothing but kind to him, though his gaze had lingered too long sometimes, as if he knew the secrets that lay hidden deep in Fíli's heart.

Feeling a bit sturdier now that they had a plan, he hauls himself to his feet.

"Pack as if we were on a journey to reclaim Erebor again, but try to make it look like we're only going on a short hunting trip. Bring your sword and your knives and if anyone asks, say it's for protection in case any bands of orcs decide to try and make trouble for us. Don't act too concerned about it, though, or they'll send guards with us, and that'd really hinder our plans," he whispered quickly, eyes flitting from side to side as his mind whirred, desperate to cover all the bases. Fíli had been trained in tactical thought his entire life. This was as natural as breathing to him.

"Go to the kitchens and pack foods that will last. Salted pork, bread, and the like. And fill two of the big canteens with water. I'll meet you in the stables with the ponies saddled and ready to go in an hour."

He paused when he realized that this was truly happening. He was turning his back on everything he'd ever known, on his family and friends, on his _people_ , and running away.

On some level, Fíli knows he should feel remorse for what he was about to do. But then he remembered the indifferent way Thorin sentenced his eldest nephew to a life of torment and abuse at the hands of Dain, and his resolve hardened.

He had spent his entire life doing every single thing Thorin demanded of him, to make him proud, to make him happy. It was time that Fíli did something selfish.

He turned to look at his brother, standing expectantly and with an honest look of happiness on his face, and he smiled gently, reaching out to pull one of his braids to his lips.

"We'll be okay, Kee. Bilbo will remember how we took his side when it came to the Arkenstone. He'll remember that we stood up to Uncle for him, even if it didn't work out in the end. When we tell him why we had to leave, he'll understand. I'm sure the Shire needs a good dwarven smith to make their horseshoes and garden tools, and remember when Bilbo told us about how the wolves will sometimes come down from the mountains in the winter to hunt in the Shire? We can offer them protection, and fine metalwork, for allowing us to stay. We can build a little hobbity hole for ourselves someday, brother. We can have our own home," he told him softly, watching the dwarf with a warm expression.

Fíli could never do this on his own. But with Kíli at his side, he didn't fear a single thing.

Kíli hummed happily at the thought of having their own hobbit hole. He'd only ever been inside Bag End but he'd loved it from the moment he walked in. There would be a few changes - they would have to make for their own hobbit hole, with slightly higher door frames, but he wanted it to be just as warm and cozy as Bag End had been.

He didn't doubt that Bilbo would let them stay, they had been friends on the journey after all.

“We'll go to the Shire then. Hopefully we'll have a much quieter trip than we did on our way here,” he says, resting his forehead against his brother's. He didn't think it would be completely peaceful but if there was a lack of goblins and giant spiders he'd consider the trip quiet.

“We should be able to move faster with just the two of us, too,” he muses, though he'd miss having eleven other dwarves and a hobbit to help pass the time.

“I'll meet you at the stables in an hour then.” Kíli quickly kisses Fíli's lips before he sets off to get the ponies ready. As soon as the door shut, the younger dwarf is flying around his room packing everything he can while being aware that it's supposed to look like they plan on coming back. He packs a few changes of clothes, his bedroll, and a thick blanket. He settles his quiver on his back before sheathing his sword and dagger. He grabs the few knives he uses to typically clean his kills and tucks them along the inside of his coat.

The last thing he grabs is his bow off his bed.

He gives another look around the room making sure he didn't miss anything, before he says a silent goodbye and heads out. He's careful to make sure that he seems relaxed about this hunting trip, smiling at the dwarves he passes by like he always would even though his stomach is trying to tie itself into knots. 

Kíli knows that while they're in the most danger while they're still in the mountain. Thorin could always change his mind about letting Fíli go, or Mahal forbid someone figure out what this hunting trip really is. That seems like something Balin would figure out and he hoped the old dwarf understands why they have to leave.

He thinks about the little hobbit hole he's going to share with his One to help keep himself calm. He starts to plan it out in his head, thinking that it won't have to be as big as Bilbo's home is. It's not like he and Fíli need a lot of room and they weren't planning on having family coming to stay with them. He's sure Bilbo will have a few things to add to it to make it a proper hobbity hole.

The brunet is so lost in his floor planning that he nearly runs into Bombur, who simply chuckles. The cook is quick to get him enough food for five days, more than five actually but that's how Bombur is, while Kíli fills two large canteens with water. The red head wishes him and his brother a good hunt before the Prince leaves towards the stables.

While Kíli is taking care of his half of their tasks, Fíli grabs a single pack and stuffs it with clothing and other essentials, but also adds a drawing of Mum that Balin had given him, the few hairbeads of hers that he didn't already wear in his own hair, the sketch of himself and Kíli that Ori had made on their trip, and a few other odds and ends that he hides near the bottom, wrapped up in a spare tunic.

The letter to Thorin he had quickly written in his neat, loopy script was folded and left on his pillow, where it would be discovered in five days time when it was realized they hadn't returned from their hunting trip. It declared Kíli as his true One, and said that they were going into exile together. Thorin was to not look for them, as they were going where he would never find them. Finally, he detailed his hopes that one day Thorin would recover from the gold sickness, and remember what it was that he used to treasure above all wealth and power. 

That done, Fíli dresses much the same as he had done on their journey, with his heavy boots, belts, heavy leather over tunic, and leather coat lined with warg fur. He hides his vambraces in his pack for now, but buckles his twin swords onto his back, and begins the process of stowing away his many throwing knives and axes on his person. When the last throwing axe has been buckled into place on his boot, he hikes the pack over his shoulder and heads for the door, trying to walk with as much Princely swagger as he can manage. He was Prince Fíli of Erebor, heir to the throne. He was just going on a simple hunting trip with his beloved younger brother.

When Balin intercepts him just before he gets to the great doors of Erebor he's convinced that they've already been figured out, especially with the somber look he's being given. But the old dwarf simply hugs him tight and wishes him and Kíli good hunting, leaving Fíli to stand there and wonder just how much Balin really knew.

By the time Kíli joins him, he has two of their ponies saddled and ready to go. They're steady, but fast for their size, Kíli's a buff colored mare named Daisy and Fíli's a black gelding named Farin. 

He straps their bags to Farin while his brother is loading Daisy up with their food, and Fíli makes sure to grab two thick horse blankets that he ties to the front of each saddle. It was getting colder at night, and it wouldn't do for them or the ponies to freeze before they even made it to the Shire.

Finally Fíli hauls himself up into the saddle and swallows down the lump in his throat, guiding the gelding out of the stables and at an easy walk towards the ruins of Dale, heart thudding in his chest.

This was really happening. They were really going away from Erebor, from everything they'd ever known, from all their family and friends and the company.

He turns his gaze on Kíli and offers his beloved One a small, soft smile, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.

"You ready, Kee? No turning back, now. If we're caught we'll be executed. We go into exile, now. We can never return here," he murmured, blue eyes flitting to the edge of the Mirkwood, visible even from this distance.

“'M ready, Fee,” Kíli replies. It's only now as they're leaving the front gate that the weight of what they're doing hits him. He'd never really seen Erebor as his home, for a while he had before Thorin had fallen to the gold sickness, so he can't say that he'll miss the mountain much. For him there's a lot of bad in and around the Lonely Mountain and part of him is glad to be leaving those memories behind.

There are good memories though with good people and he knows he'll miss the dwarves he'd considered his friends the most. Mostly it's all members of the company, Bofur, Nori, and Ori specifically.

He wishes he could have said goodbye to them and a few more members of the company but that might have alerted someone to what they were doing. He hopes they won't be too angry when they find out in five days that the Princes aren't coming back. He imagines they won't be if they ever find out about the King so willingly selling Fíli to Dain.

The brunet wonders if Thorin will actually miss his sister-sons or if he'll only lament the loss of his heirs. He can't say he'll miss the Thorin that sits on the throne now, but he's missed his Uncle since before the Battle.

Kíli knows that this is for the best though, for both of them. As long as he has his One, he knows everything will be fine no matter where they end up. 

“I bet Bilbo will be happy to see us,” he says trying to change the subject from exile and execution to something a bit lighter. He figures that it's been almost a year, give or take a few months, since their burglar left and that was plenty of time for him to start missing his two favorite Princes. 

Ex-Princes now.

“Specially you,” he smiles. The hobbit had left knowing Fíli had been injured but Kíli can't be sure if Bofur or Ori ever sent a raven to tell him that the blond had lived. 

Well, if he didn't know then he was really going to be in for a surprise when they got to the Shire.

The younger brother was a little wary as he eyed the edge of the Mirkwood. He believed his golden love when he said that Thranduil would help them just to spite Thorin but there were still dark things in that forest.

Fíli snorts at the idea of Bilbo being happy to see him, arching an eyebrow at his brother as they plod along. They can't risk rushing until they're in the forest and beyond the sight of the Lonely Mountain. A hunting trip didn't warrant galloping ponies, and they had to do their best not to draw attention until they were safely away.

"I bet you a gold piece that Bilbo thinks I'm a ghost, dear brother. Two gold pieces if he thinks we've been sent by Thorin to off him for taking that dratted stone," he teases, feeling lighter and freer with every step they take away from Erebor. The Crown Prince fell away from his shoulders, crumbling like dust in the air. There was no masks with Kíli. There was no need.

They joke and talk happily as their ponies plod steadily along, and by the time they reach the edge of the forest night has started to settle over the land. It only makes Mirkwood look more sinister, and Fíli can't help but swallow thickly.

He'd prefer to stop and make camp here, but time isn't on their side and they can't afford to waste precious hours. Besides, in the Mirkwood it was always dark, so it didn't matter whether the sun was in the sky, anyways.

Now they just had to hope no giant spiders decided to make a meal of them.

"At least this time we won't have to lug Bombur around," he mumbles more to himself than to his brother, holding tight to Farin's reigns as they pick their way along the narrow path through the Mirkwood. They'd move faster with the ponies and only two of them. Hopefully that meant they'd make it out the other side before they went mad with starvation, at least.

“I bet you three gold pieces that Bilbo only allows us in if we promise not to throw his dishes around again,” Kíli says from behind his brother, still trying to keep the mood light even in the dark forest. Even with the worry of giant spiders and other nasty things lurking about, he does feel a tiny bit better that they're here. They're out of the shadow of the mountain and have already put a few hours between them and Thorin, so there is some good to be found yet.

Daisy nickers softly, sounding a little nervous, so he gently pats her neck trying to be reassuring even though he's pretty sure the mare knows he's just as unhappy about being here as she is.

“So brother dear, if we're really going to the Elven King for help how are we going to find his realm? Or were you just hoping that they're going to find us like they did the last time?” Kíli certainly hopes that if the elves do find them, it's in a much better state than the first time. If they could just skip almost being spider food entirely that would be great actually.

“Will we have to be just brothers around them?” He asks a little sadly. The brunet knows how his own people would react to their relationship but he doesn't know about other races. It's not something that is just brought up in casual conversation after all.

That leads him to thinking about they're going to handle their stay at Bag End if they don't want Bilbo to find out. Hobbits seem like they would be just as disgusted by Fíli and Kíli as their own people were. It seemed they were destined to spend their nights apart for quite some time whether they would have been able to stay in Erebor or not.

Fíli ponders over that, his fingers combing through the wiry hair of his pony's mane to calm himself. The gloom of the forest made him nervous, as did the silence. He never realized just how _loud_ silence could be.

"I'm sure they'll find us soon enough, brother. You remember that lady Captain that was with the Prince when they caught us? She clearly knows the forest like the back of her hand. And after the Battle I'm sure she has scouts all over this place, if she's as smart as I'm betting," he chuckled, resting his open palm against Farin's warm neck.

"As for being just brothers... I think that there is no need for it. Thranduil knows we are brothers, yes, and he also knows our laws. He sees more than Uncle credits him. You don't live to be as old as him, after all, without gaining some wisdom on the workings of the world. He'll have us figured out within moments, and incest is not a crime amongst the fair folk. So really, what point would there be in pretending to be what we no longer are?"

Fíli would always be Kíli's older brother. But he would no longer be _just_ his brother, though the word 'just' never really could apply to what it was they'd had, even before this. Kíli was his One. He would hold his head high and declare it from the mountain top for all the world to know, if he had to. 

He offered the other dwarf a reassuring smile, head tipped to the side.

"As for Bilbo, I don't think he'd have it in him to turn us away, even if he wasn't entirely comfortable with our relationship. He'd learn to understand, after a time. He's good like that. And the Shire as a whole, well... who's to say they have to know we're brothers at all?" he hummed, sounding fond of the idea that they were going to a place where they'd never been known as brothers. A place where he could have his beloved and none would judge or sneer. They would just be two more souls trying to make their own way in the world.

He pauses when he hears the faintest of rustlings, the first real noise he's heard since they entered the forest besides the sounds they were making. A grin spreads across his lips and he loosens his feet in the stirrups, idly rubbing his hand up and down the pony's neck.

"Four gold pieces says they get you before they get me," he murmured so softly that only Kíli would hear him, shooting his brother a smirk before he's disappeared off the pony and onto all fours on the ground, just as an elf leaps down from the trees and lands on the saddle where he'd just been moments before. Kíli, who hadn't gotten the same brief warning that Fíli had, found himself captured within the grasp of the elf that leaped down onto his own pony.

The blond lets himself enjoy a laugh at his brother's expense before he surrenders to the elves that have gathered around them, raising his hands up in deference to the arrows aimed at him.

"We are not here to fight. I am Fíli, and he is Kíli, former Princes of Erebor. We have come to seek asylum with your King," he said lightly, bowing his head slightly to the red headed Captain that emerged from the trees, giving her a polite smile.

"Captain Tauriel, we meet again, though I regret that the circumstances are still rather distressing. It would be enjoyable to get to break words at some point without weapons between us."

Whether impressed with his pretty words or just amused by them, the she-elf raises a hand to have her guard lower their bows, and the one restraining Kíli leaps nimbly down off an unhappy Daisy to join his comrades.

"Former Princes of Erebor? Now that is a tale I'm sure my King will be quite interested in hearing," she replied thoughtfully, sizing them up before nodding and gesturing for them to follow her. Fíli grabbed the reigns of his pony and tugged her after their hosts, giving his brother a rather pleased sort of look.

"You owe me four gold pieces."

“You cheated, Fee,” Kíli grumps as he slides off Daisy, grabbing her reins and following after his brother. They’d only spent a few hours on pony back but he was thankful for the chance to walk and stretch his legs a little. 

Besides the mare had seemed rather annoyed with the abrupt addition of the elf’s weight that it was probably better to walk the rest of the way.

The younger hadn’t missed the way his brother had managed to get out of his saddle before the elf had appeared on Farin’s back. He’d be reaching for his bow when he felt a blade against his neck, not pressing hard but enough for him to know that it was there. He had only been able to glare at his brother while he spoke to the elf Captain. Since when did Fíli posses the ability to move faster than an elf?

Tauriel leads them through the woods for what feels like an age, and there’s a point where he starts to wonder if they’re going in circles because that tree definitely looks familiar, but soon a few of the guards are taking Farin and Daisy’s reins from the ex-Princes and Kíli lets the mare go easy enough before they continue further into the woodland realm. He takes in all that he can, impressed with the way it looks like the trees just grew into the pathways around them and maybe they did. He heard that elves could talk to the trees, maybe they convinced the trees to grow like that.

Or maybe they were just making everything up, that seemed more likely.

The brunet didn’t remember all of this from the first time they were but then they had just escaped spiders and the company hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since they had entered the forest. The paths are more curvy than he remembers, not like the ones in Erebor, that are usually straight or angular. 

King Thranduil is sitting on his throne when they make it to the throne room, talking with the elf that Kíli remembers as being the Prince. He also remembers the throne of antlers that the King is lounging on and he can’t help but think, again, that it doesn’t look very comfortable. Actually it looks about as comfortable as the stone throne that Thorin sits on.

The brothers stop in the middle of the room, Kíli standing next to Fíli, while Tauriel continues on to inform her King of the situation in their tongue.

He can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable under Thranduil’s gaze, like somehow the Elven King already knows his secrets without ever having to ask. 

Kíli wasn't sure that was a good thing, but at least this time they wouldn't end up in the dungeons.

Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next few chapters are gonna be pretty big, and rather angst. Please pay attention to any warnings posted at the beginnings of each chapter!


	5. Revelations in Mirkwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thranduil is wiser than expected and a secret is uncovered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for self harm, body dysphoria, and transphobia. This is a very emotion heavy chapter, but it has a happy ending, we promise.

"Good afternoon, King Thranduil," Fíli greeted in smooth Sindarin, pleased that at least one of Balin's lessons had stuck with him. While he floundered at mathematics and struggled to remember dates of important battles and events, he had a knack for languages that Balin picked up on. Like most dwarves he'd already been fluent in Khuzdul and Iglishmek, the dwarven hand signal language, and had learned Westron as a child. But between his forced imprisonment while he recovered from his wounds, and the many months that had followed, he had also picked up the languages of the Elves and had even secretly been learning the black speech of the Orcs. 

It was worth the hours of studying to see the very brief look of surprise that flickered across Thranduil's face at hearing his language come from the mouth of a dwarf, especially a dwarf that was the sister son of the one being in middle earth who hated elves more than all others.

"What Thorin doesn't know doesn't cause him any pain," Fíli said by way of explanation to the blank stares he was receiving, trying not to show how uncomfortable he was about the elf King's eyes boring into him. The ethereal stare felt incredibly intimate, and Fíli wasn't sure just how powerful Thranduil's magic was. He had been the one looking after his wounds, and Fíli knew he probably would have died without that skill and power holding his insides together. Thranduil was strong, that was undeniable. How strong was still a mystery to him, and Dwalin had drilled into his head that it was just as important to know all there was about an ally as it was to know all about an enemy.

"Thorin seems to be left in the dark about many a thing, it seems," came the soft baritone of Thranduil's voice, in Westron more for Kíli's benefit than Fíli's he expected, quiet and yet loud in the blond's ears all at the same time. The elf slowly sat up on his throne, flanked on either side by Tauriel and his son, the Prince Legolas. 

Fíli ducked his head in agreement to this, arms loose at his side and doing his best to show he wasn't here for a fight, but rather for aid and advice.

"Thorin has lost his way. The gold sickness has taken him. He no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own nephews, or his One, can reach him now," he murmured, reaching out to take Kíli's hand and squeezing gently. Thranduil arches a single black eyebrow at that, but does not comment, folding his long fingered hands in his lap.

"And so you come here seeking refuge? What is to say I won't return you to your Uncle? We are, after all, allies now," the King hummed, impossibly blue eyes fixed on Fíli's own. 

The former Prince turns to look at his brother beside him, before returning his gaze to meet Thranduil's, not backing down from the heavy stare.

"If you return us, you return us to our death. Thorin's sanity and mercy have deserted him. He will have Kíli executed for our crime and send me away to be the bed slave of the dwarf King Dain. I am, after all, much more use to him alive than dead, and one execution would be enough to satisfy the laws of our people," he said finally, watching both Tauriel and Legolas recoil from his words as if disgusted by them. The only indication of Thranduil's reaction to the words, however, was a faint flaring of his nostrils, and the elf steeples his hands beneath his chin in a thoughtful manner.

"And what crime have you committed that is so grievous as to warrant execution and enslavement?" he asked quietly, eyes boring into the blond dwarf's skull.

This time Fíli answered without hesitation. 

"Incest, my King. Kíli is my beloved One. The other half to my soul. But by the laws of our people, in loving each other we have committed a crime worse than murder. A crime punishable by death."

He paused, to let that sink in.

"And enslavement wouldn't be my punishment. Watching Kíli die is my punishment. Thorin has already sold me to Dain, and expects me to return from this hunting trip in five days to ride on the next trade caravan to the Iron Hills," he added quietly, and this time even Thranduil seems visibly repulsed, unfolding himself from his throne and approaching the two standing before him.

"I thought there was none more important to you dwarves than family," Thranduil groused, gripping Fíli's chin between his fingers and forcing his face up to look at him. 

"There is nothing more important to us than family. But Thorin is no longer himself. He has been consumed by his lust for gold. Whatever part of my Uncle that once loved us as his sons is gone or buried deep inside him. There is only the sickness left, now."

Fíli feels his vision growing fuzzy as the stress and exhaustion of the day creep up on him. The whip marks on his back are aching and his stomach chooses that moment to growl with hunger, shattering the heavy mood that had settled over the gathered.

Thranduil hums with amusement and releases the blond, gesturing for two elves to approach. They're carrying their packs in their arms, taken from the ponies no doubt when they'd been unsaddled and looked after, and Fíli's never been so grateful for elves in his entire life.

"Take the Princes to their room to rest while a meal is prepared," he ordered, and Fíli followed the two white-blond elves, his hand still tightly clasped around Kíli's. Rest. Rest sounded wonderful. Rest was exactly what Fíli needed. 

Fíli's shoulders sag a little when the King orders for them to be taken to a room, for most of the conversation he had worried that Thranduil would actually send them back to Thorin. It would be a good way to earn Thorin's trust for about a minute maybe, before he became paranoid because of the gold sickness, at any rate.

Now though as he's led, hand in hand with his brother, he feels better than he has in a long time. Sure they're in the middle of running for their lives but they're _together_ and they don't have to hide it. They're able to actually hold hands while they walk to _their_ room, they're going to share a bed for Mahal's sake!

The archer smiles and gives Fíli's hand a gentle a squeeze, just because he can.

The room they're led to reminds him of the ones that they stayed while they were in Rivendell, with its tall arched windows and even a pair of doors that leads out to a small balcony. Even the set up is kind of the same with the bed between a pair of windows along with a desk and dresser.

The light outside doesn't come in as much as it had in Rivendell though, probably because of the all the trees only letting in a few rays here and there. There's also a distinct lack of the sound of running water.

It's nice actually.

Kíli only lets go of his brother's hand when one of the two elves hands him his pack. He says his thanks before they seem to just glide out of the room. Once the doors close, he grabs Fíli, wrapping his arms low around his hips to avoid his injuries and squeezes him tight.

“I really thought he was going to send us back,” he says gently.

Fíli chuckles and squeezes his brother back, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

"Thranduil had already decided to give us aid before we even explained ourselves. It was more or less a formality that he hears our reasoning. I think he may have already known, to some extent, why we were there. He sees more than Uncle or anyone else really believes, I feel," he mused, pleased to see a bowl of water already set out and releasing Fíli so he can splash some on his face, warm from being out in the sun all day.

He pauses, though, when he catches sight of himself in the reflective glass, and tugs absently on a mustache braid, before going to his bag and digging at the bottom for his shaving kit. Not all dwarves used razors to tame their beards, but Fíli did, and he knew at least Bofur did as well to create his goatee and mustache look.

But Fíli isn't about to just tame his beard.

Before he can change his mind, he slices the razor across the base of each braided end of his mustache, ignoring the way Kíli's breath caught behind him.

"We're in exile, brother. Dishonored criminals. We don't deserve our beards anymore," he said softly, by way of explanation. He falls silent as he carefully scrapes the blade across his cheeks and chin, pausing only to rinse it off when it became laden with the remains of his beard. When his face is smooth, Fíli runs the back of his knuckles across it, shuddering at how foreign it feels. The blond dwarf also removes the braids in his hair that signify his station as the Crown Prince of Erebor, leaving only the braids signifying his bond to Kíli. 

He grins at that, though, and gestures his brother closer, holding the razor in hand.

"Come and let me help you with yours, brother. Wouldn't want you to nick yourself," he teased lightly, dodging the punch aimed at his shoulder. 

By the time they're both smooth shaven, Fíli's ready to collapse with exhaustion and hunger, and the bowl of water is filled with the remains of their honor as dwarves and Princes. Yet, Fíli's feeling lighter and more free than he has in years, and he leans against his brother so he can brush his fingertips through his wild hair.

"After dinner I will give you a proper claiming braid. One for all the world to see," he promised in a whisper, nuzzling kisses along Fíli's smooth jawline, "But first we sleep before I fall over."

Kíli let himself really smile at that, wanting Fíli to put in the braid now but also needing to sleep for a while before dinner. He guides them both over to the large bed, both of them taking their coats and boots off before settling down on top of the blankets. The younger is pretty sure that his brother is asleep before his head even hits the pillow but that doesn't stop him from pulling them together. He snuggles up behind Fíli, mindful of his brother's still healing back, before burying his face in the blond hair and wrapping around him so that he can feel his One's heartbeat under his hand.

He doesn't remember falling asleep but he wakes up to someone knocking on the door. He groans and tries to bury his face further into the back of his brother's neck. When the knocking comes again he's about to tell Ori off, when he remembers that they aren't actually in Erebor. There's a little pang in his chest as he thinks about the scribe and not being able to see him again.

It takes a little effort but Kíli untangles himself from his brother and wanders over to the door, opening it to reveal one of the two elves that lead them here.

“Yes?” He asks, trying really hard not to sound annoyed with being woken up.

“I'm sorry to wake you, Master Kíli, but my King thought you and your brother would like to have something proper to wear for dinner tonight,” he informs the dwarf. Kíli blinks a few times before his brain catches up enough to register what the elf says.

“Oh, yes that would be great. Just, uh, give us a second to get our boots on at least.”

“Uhm, just you actually Master Kíli. We'll just be going to the next room over, there isn't enough room in here to try to find something for you both at the same time,” the elf says evenly.

“....Alright but I still have to get my boots on.” The elf nods as the archer closes the door. He sits at the edge of the bed before slipping his feet into the shoes, giving his waking brother a slightly wary look.

“I guess I'll see you before dinner? Seems odd they want us to separate us,” he murmurs. He presses a quick kiss to Fíli's lips before he leaves to follow the elf down the hall.

Fíli's disheveled and still yawning when Kíli leaves the room, blinking tiredly at the door to see who had entered in his wake. He jerks to his feet when he sees it's Tauriel, though, cheeks flushing faintly with embarrassment. A nameless elf was one thing, but Tauriel was the Captain of Thranduil's guard, and a fierce warrior. Fíli respected her incredible skills and hoped one day the respect would be returned. There was much they could learn from each other.

"Lord Thranduil bid me to bring this to you. He said that he had a feeling it would be... something you'd have an interest in wearing," she said slowly, holding out a folded up square of crimson fabric. Assuming it was a tunic, Fíli smiled and bid her a good evening before closing the door behind her, unfolding the tunic....

Only to discover it was a dress of red and white, comprised of a loose under layer of soft white cotton with billowing sleeves and a brilliant red cotton top layer that was split up the front to show the white until it reached the waistline, where a front laced corset made up the torso. 

A dress.

Thranduil had given Tauriel a dress and said Fíli would have interest in wearing it.

Thranduil _knew._

Fíli barely makes it to the adjoining bathing room in time to dry heave into the chamber pot there, only managing a few weak strands of bile before his body gives up on trying to rid itself of what wasn't there to be rid.

He'd been but a child barely out of his thirties when Thorin walked in on him wearing a simple dress of blue cotton purchased on the sly at the market. Thorin had ripped the dress from his body and screamed until he was red with rage, shaking Fíli and ordering him to never do such a thing ever again. 

Fíli had learned that day his feelings about his body weren't acceptable. The voices in his head whispering that it was wrong, that he was wrong, were to be ignored. Uncle Thorin's orders were to be obeyed without question, after all. 

But it was hard to shake off the feeling of Wrongness that clung to him with every move he made. 

His body was Wrong. His thoughts were Wrong.

Everything about Fíli was Wrong. Only his love for Kíli was right, and even that was Wrong by the laws of their people.

He stared at the dress on their bed, as one would eye a dangerous beast, slowly approaching it again and running shaking hands across the black lacing of the corset. Oh how he wanted so badly to wear it. 

But Princes didn't wear dresses. Dresses were for girls and Fíli wasn't a girl.

He whimpered and sank down onto the floor, fingers burying in his blond hair to yank and pull until his scalp burned and his head ached, desperate to punish himself for these impure thoughts, and to punish his body for the continuing Wrongness that plagued it.

Only when tears of pain rolled down his cheeks did he let go of his grip on his hair, burying his face in his knees to hide from his shame.

_But you're not a Prince, anymore. And Thorin isn't here,_ the traitorous voice in his head whispered to him, and Fíli looked up to see the dress still there on the bed, looking like it was made for him.

"If I just try you on for a little bit, no one will know. I can put my travel clothes back on for dinner and tell Thranduil he was mistaken," he whispered half to the dress and half to himself, slowly standing up.

His hands are still shaking as he disrobes and slips the dress on piece by piece, pulling the laces of the corset tight before tying them off. He hesitates on looking in the reflective glass, though, heart already thudding in his chest just from having the dress on his body. But when he finally musters up the courage, he's almost knocked breathless.

He looks.. well, he actually looks rather beautiful, at least to himself. He'd always assumed that with his muscle mass and scars he'd look unbearably ugly in anything but tunics, trousers, and layers upon layers of leather and fur. But the loose, billowing form of the dress hides the toned muscle of his arms and thighs, while the neckline accentuates his collarbones and the corset draws his waist in to actually give him something akin to the curved hips of a real woman. His blond hair compliments the brilliant red and white of the dress, and without his beard Fíli thought that maybe, just maybe, he could even pass for one of the females of the race of Men, albeit a small one.

Bile rises up in his throat again when he realizes this, struggling not to break down and sob. His entire life he's punished himself for the Wrongness, but took solace in the fact that he would be hideous as a woman, anyways. Now that he saw that it was a lie, it only made it harder to know he had to put his trousers and tunic back on before Kíli came back. If his brother ever knew, he'd hate Fíli forever. He'd be disgusted with him for being Wrong, for being insane and grotesque, just like Thorin was. He'd turn away from Fíli, and he would do anything to make sure that didn't happen. Even if it meant burying the part of him that so desperately ached to be known. 

"Dresses are for women, and you're not a woman, Fíli. You're not. You're a man. You were born with a hammer, and that makes you a man, no matter what your brain is telling you. You're wrong. Your body is wrong and you are wrong," he hissed at his reflection, hands holding so tight to the fabric of the dress his knuckles have blanched white. 

He was so engrossed in repeating what he's whispered to himself every single night of his life since the day Thorin told him he was Wrong that he doesn't hear the door open behind him. 

In the other room, Kíli has to stop himself from groaning at having to try on each and every single piece of clothing that had been brought in by a smiling elf.

This is going to take forever.

“You don't have to try them all on, we just wanted you to have options,” Legolas grins from the corner of the room. Kíli sighs his relief and the three start working to find him an appropriate outfit. The elves give him a nice pair of dark brown pants that will match whatever tunic and coat they choose. The pants are a little long but he simply rolls up the ends before he tucks the excess into his boots.

The dwarf quickly decides that he doesn't want to wear anything blue, it reminds him too much of Thorin and why they're on the run right now, but he doesn't mention that to the elves. Legolas gives him a soft look like he understands his aversion to the color before he grabs a deep green shirt and coat.

He puts both on easily enough, even though the coat has about a hundred buttons too many for his tastes. Legolas chuckles and tells Kíli that really there are only twelve but they could probably find one that has a hundred buttons if he wanted.

He shoots a slightly amused glare at the blond before going over to the looking glass. The collar is a little higher than he's used to and the outfit is a little more fitted than anything he usually wears, and it seems a little plain to him too, without the geometric designs that seem to be on all dwarf clothing but he'll admit that the he doesn't look half bad in the elf clothing. The Prince and the other elf agree and they all decide that this is the best outfit for him.

Kíli thanks them both as he leaves, the unnamed elf informing him to leave his other clothes so that they can be cleaned and returned to him tomorrow, and hurries back down the hallway to see what his brother has chosen to wear for dinner.

His first thought when he walks into the room is that Fíli looks _good_ in red and white. Then the rest of his brain catches up and realizes that his brother is in a _dress_ and the blond looks like he might be sick, eyes a little red from crying.

That's all it takes for Kíli to stride over to the dresser and grab his sword. _Nobody_ hurts his One and gets away with it.

“You tell me who said you had to wear that, Fee, and I'll deal with them. Hosts or not, I won't allow them to torment you like this. We may not be Princes anymore but we still deserve some respect,” he growls. His brown eyes watch his brother's face, waiting for a name.

Fíli had nearly leaped out of his skin at the sight of Kíli standing there, the urge to vomit making his stomach clench once more. He waits for the condemnation, and doesn't know whether to be relieved that his brother assumes he's been forced to wear the dress, or collapse into a fit of hysterics that the dwarf would ever think anyone capable of making Fíli do anything he didn't want to do, other than Thorin. 

"It.. It's nothing, brother. Just a mix up is all," he lied easily, forcing the mask of the Crown Prince to the surface so that Kíli won't see the mess of emotions beneath it. He smiles a bit too brightly and smooths a hand over the front of the corset, shrugging.

"Thought it'd be funny if I wore it, anyways, but it looks ridiculous on me, so I'm just going to wear what I had on earlier."

Convinced he's gotten away from the situation without arousing any suspicion from his brother, he turns his back on his repulsive reflection and starts to undo the laces of his corset, struggling to keep his hands from shaking and giving away his turmoil.

"I'll smell a little of pony, but I'm male, and males don't wear dresses."

Kíli sets his sword back down and watches as Fíli's mask come back up. He doesn't know if he's more hurt or pissed that his brother would try to lie to him _and_ use that Crown Prince face with him. That mask was never supposed to be used between the two of them. The brunet was supposed to be the one person that Fíli could be himself around.

He stands in the middle of the room, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fine,” he says, trying to sound completely indifferent. “There are two things you should know though before we leave for dinner, brother. One, I don't know what you're lying to me about, or why you think you have to, but you _are_ lying to me.” He hates that whatever is going on here, Fíli can't or won't just tell him the truth about it. The archer has eyes for Mahal's sake, he can _see_ that there is a lot more going on than the older is admitting to. The blond wouldn't look like a complete mess if it was just a mix up with the clothing.

“Two, you hardly look ridiculous, different maybe, but not ridiculous. In fact I think red is your color,” he finishes, keeping his tone even. To be honest, Kíli thinks his brother looks great in the dress. That might make him a little weird but Fíli could wear a potato sack around and he'd be fine with it.

"I look completely ridiculous, Kíli! It's a dress! A dress for a woman!" Fíli snapped back reflexively, cringing at the desperation in those words. He needed to hear he looked horrible. He needed Kíli to laugh at him so he could move on from this moment and never think about it ever again. So that he could pull his trousers and tunic back on without wanting to lock himself in this room and punish his body for the Wrongness with the sharp end of his hunting knife. 

"It was Thranduil. Thranduil gave me the dress and insisted I wear it," he said suddenly, turning to look at Kíli and silently willing the other dwarf to get angry again. If Kíli got angry then he wouldn't press him any further. Fíli had never been capable of lying to his brother, not for very long. Kíli always saw right through him, and it was stronger now that they had acknowledged their bond as soul mates. His brother would know he was lying before he even opened his mouth, so he hoped that this smaller lie wrapped up inside a nugget of truth would work. 

Fíli's heart was pounding in his chest and his throat felt tight, hands shaking as they clutched at the half-laced front of the corset. 

Kíli could never know about the Wrongness. Thorin had warned him that if he ever told his brother, he'd find himself without one soon enough, had all but beaten it into Fíli that to tread this path was to tread it alone. Fíli couldn't bear to lose Kíli. It was a much easier fate to simply suffer the Wrongness in silence, as he had done all these years.

Kíli clenches his jaw tight, taking a deep breath in through his nose. He is angry but not with Thranduil.

“I don't care who it's for, I stand by what I said. You don't look ridiculous, not even a little,” he snaps back.

There's something in the line about the Elven King that's true but he can't tell what it is. All he knows is that some of it is the truth but the rest is still lies. Why would Thranduil insist that only the blond wear a dress?

“I won't make you tell me, Fíli, but don't you dare stand there and continue to lie to me like I'm not your brother or your One. You _can't_ lie to me and if you try to do it again, I'll leave by myself,” he promises. He's not about to stick around here if he's going to be lied to like this. 

Kíli gathers up Fíli's other clothes, and he's right they do smell like pony, before depositing them on the side of the bed closest to the blond. 

“Look, just get dressed alright? I don't care if you wear the dress or the other clothes,” he resigns, flopping into the chair by the desk. He's hurt that his brother doesn't trust him with whatever this is but he doesn't want to fight anymore. They should be rejoicing, at least a little, because for once they're actually safe from Thorin and they don't have to hide their relationship either.

He absentmindedly rubs his breast bone, right over his heart, trying to ease the pain there.

Fíli's breath seizes in his throat and he desperately throws himself at Kíli's feet, grabbing at handfuls of his tunic. Some rational part of him knows that his brother only meant he'd leave for the feast by himself, but Fíli wasn't exactly in a rational frame of mind anymore, with his last sane nerve fraying into nothingness. It was exactly as Thorin had told him over and over again. 

"Please don't leave me, please. I won't do it ever again, I promise! I'll take the dress and throw it in his face and tell him he was wrong! I'll do anything you want, just please don't leave me, brother," he begged, staring up at him with nothing short of pure panic. Thorin's voice is ringing in his ears, reminding him that he is Wrong, that he is sick and perverted. That the Wrongness is just his imagination after years of having to mother Kíli. That it'll go away if he just ignores it long enough, just pushes it down and suffocates it until he feels comfortable in his own skin.

"I promise I'll punish myself for being Wrong. I'll do anything to get you to forgive me."

Fíli's voice is a shattered whisper as he drops his head to rest his forehead against Kíli's hands in the brunet's lap, trying to deny the tears that were blurring his vision. Some part of him had always secretly hoped his brother would be the one person to understand, the one person to accept him for who, and what, he was. But it seemed his Uncle had been right all along.

" _Please._ "

Kíli's mind is a whirl, his brother's panic only making him panic too. He's never heard Fíli sound so desperate or broken and that scares him more than anything.

“Fíli, what are you talking about? What do you mean punish yourself? And for being wrong about what?” He hadn't been expecting this reaction from the blond when he'd told him to get dressed.

“I only meant that I'd go to dinner alone,” he says suddenly realizing how his words weren't exactly specific, “you're my brother and my One. 'M sorry but you're kind of stuck with me now.” He tries to play it off as a joke but really, it's the truth. He'd never leave Fíli unless he made him go, or death took him. The brunet could never just willingly walk away from his Fee.

He leans forward enough that he can gently wrap his arms around the blond's back, pressing a kiss into his hair. All he wants to do is hug his brother as hard as he can but he's stuck with barely there caresses since Fíli was still carrying the weals from Thorin's punishment yesterday.

“I was just mad that you were lying, that's nothing to punish yourself over. It's easily forgiven, just don't do it anymore,” Kíli says, trying to make things better. He runs his fingers through his brother's hair, trying to calm him back down.

“I'll always love you, Fíli, no matter what you wear,” he murmurs into his blond hair. He knows this all has something to do with the dress but he doesn't know what.

Now Fíli's just confused, and he stares up at his brother half hoping the dwarf will answer his question before he has to ask it.

"You're not angry at me for wearing the dress? You don't think I'm disgusting, or sick?" he asked faintly, hating how vulnerable he sounds in that moment. But this was it. The crowning moment of years of repression, self loathing, and torture. If Kíli thought him Wrong, too, then Fíli would never be able to be happy in his own body.

But if Kíli didn't think he was sick and twisted, then..

Well Fíli didn't even know what that meant. 

He'd spent his entire life assuming that Thorin's rage and disgust was what he would have to expect from anyone who ever knew about the Wrongness. The fact that Kíli hadn't pushed him away, yet, was more than he'd ever expected.

"You.. You don't think I'm Wrong for feeling like I'm not really.. male?"

And there it was.

Fíli had never spoken it out loud, not since he'd been silenced. The little voice inside him that made him think things that, according to Thorin, no proper, proud, male dwarf was supposed to think. The little voice that made him wish he could wear the pretty things all the ladies of the court wore. That had him admiring Mysan's beautiful blue dress as much as he admired her skill at the forge. That made him ache to wear beautiful jewels in his braids, and use the special lip tint and face powders women had. Thorin had always said that he was to be a man, a Prince, and that he was to learn to fight and forge and hunt. But why couldn't he fight _and_ wear a dress? Tauriel did it, and woe be to the one that told a lady dwarf she couldn't use a sword or work in the forge just because she wore dresses.

Why was it so Wrong that Fíli wanted to be female? Why was Fíli Wrong?

“I didn't know that you felt like that,” Kíli says raising an eyebrow. It appears that not only was Fíli able to hide his feelings for his younger brother, but this as well. It made him wonder if there were other things that he didn't know about the blond.

“So if you don't feel like you're male, then you feel like you're female? And that's why you want to wear that dress?” He asks genuinely. Even without Fíli's confirmation, something clicks together in his mind.

He's always known that his brother was different in how he carried himself, a faint something extra that he must have been feeling through their weak, unrecognized bonds as soul mates. Like his brother's soul was in anguish, and crying out to him. When they were dwarflings he thought it was simply a weird perception on his part because Fíli was blond, unlike a lot of their race. Then it had been because his brother was Thorin's heir, and the weight that brought. When Kíli finally acknowledged his feelings, he thought it was simply because he knew that Fíli was his One.

He never expected this though.

“My dear, sweet, Fee,” he says kissing his brother's forehead.

“If that's what you feel, then it isn't wrong. You can't control if you feel like a male or a female anymore than I can control my feelings for you,” he says. He knows it's probably a shit comparison but it's the closest thing he can think of.

“If you're disgusting and sick for wanting to wear dresses, then I'm just as disgusting and sick for liking the way you look in them.” Which, after the initial shock, he found that he really did like the way Fíli looked.

He gently bumps their heads together, cupping Fíli's face in his hands.

“I just want you to be happy, Fee. If that means you're happy dressing like females do, then dress like females do. If wearing male stuff makes you happy, then do that. If you need anything from me, just let me know. I love you no matter what you wear or what gender you feel like, as long as I still get to be called your One.”

Fíli really does start crying then, folding his hands over Kíli's and desperately holding them tight against his face, refusing to let his brother be parted from him for even a moment. Not when he'd just said the things Fíli had barely dared to dream possible.

It wasn't wrong. Fíli wasn't wrong?

He manages to situate himself on Kíli's lap, legs folded under him on either side of his brother's, the dress pooling off the edge of the seat and onto the floor with how long it was. It'd been designed for an elf, after all, not a dwarf. But Kíli liked it on him. 

Kíli, his beautiful, beloved One. They were on their way to make a home and a life together. To start fresh in a new place, and make new memories together. Memories that didn't include a quest for a place they had no connection to, or forced marriages, or Thorin, or anything. There'd just be them, their home, and the ones they chose to include in their lives. Fíli would have his own forge making and mending garden tools and horse shoes for the peaceful hobbits, and Kíli would hunt and trap animals, and sell the furs and meat at the market. They'd have their own home to return to every night, and they would never have to be afraid again, or fight a battle that wasn't theirs.

He dries his face on the edge of his sleeve before pressing their foreheads together again, trembling fingers combing through Kíli's hair, brushing over the braid at his temple. There was only one thing left that he needed from his brother to truly begin unlearning all that he'd ever known and understood about who, and what, he was.

"Can you call me your sister, Kee?" he asks in a whisper so faint, he wasn't even sure Kíli heard him. 

“My sister?” Kíli asks, making sure he'd actually heard that right since he almost hadn't caught it.

“Of course, Fee,” he says, pressing a kiss to Fíli's throat, “you are my wonderful,” he kisses the edge of her jaw, “beautiful,” another kiss to her smooth chin, “older sister.” He kisses her lips and leans back so that he can smile up at her.

Fíli is already starting to look happier and less pale, and that makes Kíli feel worlds better, too.

“Just promise me something? Well, two things?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“One, please don't lie to me anymore. I don't like it when you lie to me,” he pleads gently. Fíli may not have believed it but really, that had been the only thing he'd been mad about.

“Two, for the love of Mahal, _please_ wear more red,” he grins up at his blonde love, resting his hands on her hips.

“It really is your color."

Fíli shudders when Kíli calls her his sister, and she feels something shift inside her, both physically and mentally. She was his sister. His _sister._ And even if Thorin's voice is still in her head, screaming about shame and perversions, she feels a little better prepared to deal with it because now she knows Kíli's there to see this through to the end with her.

She can't help but give him a watery smile at his requests and kisses the tip of his nose, tangling her hand into the hair at the base of his neck.

"I promise, my beloved One," she murmured, kissing him softly. 

Everything wasn't magically healed, of course. Fíli still felt unhappy with her body, with the Wrongness that still plagued it even though she'd learned that the shape of it didn't define who she was, or who Kíli saw her as. She still felt the urge to punish it for being wrong, which she silently swore she would confess to Kíli. 

It was hard, though, to realize just how much she needed Kíli, and how much she relied on him. Their entire lives she had always looked after him and protected him. She'd all but single handedly raised her little brother since their mother died. To admit to herself just how much she was going to need Kíli to look after _her_ now, and help her through all of the things she struggled with, was one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do. To admit it to Kíli was even worse.

But all of that could come with time. Right now Fíli simply allows herself to enjoy the simple happiness of finally having someone who knew about the Wrongness and still loved her all the same. She tucked her face into the crook of Kíli's neck and exhaled softly, fingers massaging the base of his skull gently.

"Thank you, my beloved sannadad. For being so amazing. Going away with you has been the best decision I've ever made, and I can't wait to start a life together all our own," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his throat. 

“Anything for you, sannamad,” Kíli purrs. He can't help but to try and press his head back into his sister's touch while also trying to bare his neck for more kisses. She didn't know it yet, but she'd found two of the ways he loved to be touched.

“Maybe we can talk to Tauriel about something you can wear on the road if you want. I _love_ that dress, but it doesn't look like something you should be fighting in,” he murmurs, trailing his lips across the skin the dress bares. He thought talking about fighting would cool the heat that's starting to flow through his veins. Now he's trying desperately not to picture Fíli fighting in that dress because it's only making things worse.

Instead, he thinks about how Bilbo is going to react to this new development. He could see the little hobbit not caring, but he could also picture him being disgusted too. 

It's enough to remind him that they haven't really eaten since they left the mountain.

“We're going to be late for dinner if you don't stop that, Fee,” the archer breathes, leaning back into her fingers. As much as he really, _really_ , wants to keep his sister in bed for the night, they should probably eat first. They were going to be dining with the King after all.

_And since when was he the responsible one?_

Fíli snorts with amusement at the mere idea of trying to fight in the billowing layers she currently wore, placing one last kiss on her brother's throat before releasing him. It would be nice to have a few things to wear that wouldn't make her into a giant red and white target for orcs and goblins, probably. 

"I suppose a meal would be good before we spend a very long night not sleeping," she hummed softly, rubbing her thumb over the bead at the end of Kíli's braid. She slides off Kíli's lap and readjusts the dress on her body so she can lace the loose corset back up, a shiver of delight running down her spine. She decided she really liked corsets. She'd buy a whole collection of them when they got settled in the Shire. 

Fíli slips on the soft shoes Tauriel had left with the dress and offers her brother a smile, her arm held out playfully so Kíli could loop his arm through it. She felt lighter than air right now, and nothing was going to ruin this for her.

"Don't think that this changes a thing. I can still kick your ass from here to Gondor and back, my love, even in this dress," she chuckles, arm tightening closer against her side when they've exited the room. It was one thing to be confident in the privacy afforded by a closed door, but out here every elf would see her like this. Every elf would know her secret. 

She swallows thickly to try and steel herself for the looks of disgust and loathing, but all she sees are warm smiles and polite nods between their room and the dining hall they had been told to go to. 

“Only if you can catch me first, sister dear,” Kíli teases as he slips his arm through Fíli’s. When they walk out of their room, he leans over and presses a kiss to her temple. He knows this must be hard for her but he’s here for his sister if she needs him. He’d been ready to punch an elf in the face if they laugh and then sweep his sister back off to their room.

Not that he thinks that’ll happen. He figures that the dress did come from Thranduil and he doubts that the King would send something for Fíli to wear if it wasn’t going to be received well. How the Elven King knows about his One’s secret is beyond him but like Fíli said, Thranduil wasn’t cruel. 

He’s happy to return the warm smiles and polite nods they get in the halls, gently squeezing his sister’s arm after each elf passes. 

They're both surprised to only see Thranduil, Legolas, Tauriel, and a few elves Fíli doesn't know around the table instead of the grand feast she'd been expecting. Thranduil quirks an eyebrow at her before gesturing to the two empty seats beside him and she accepts the silent offer, setting down next to him so she's between the King and her brother. 

There's silence as food is dished out onto their plates until Fíli finally works up the courage to speak, fingers twisting around one of her long sleeves.

"Thank you," is all she says, and Thranduil hums thoughtfully in acceptance as he pours her a glass of elvish wine.

"Drink that slowly, my Princess. It is stronger than what you are accustomed to in the mountain, and it wouldn't do to have King Thorin's niece and nephew carted drunkenly back to their room."

Fíli tries to deny the way her chest aches pleasantly when he calls her 'Princess'.

Kíli finds himself between Fíli and an elf he doesn’t know, and he has to fight the urge to roll his eyes when King Thranduil tells them to go easy on the wine. First, of all they’re _dwarves_ , they were born to hold their liquor. Second, it was just wine and Kíli had basically spent most of his nights in a tavern drinking to try and deal with his feelings for Fíli.

That last time wasn’t the first time he’d try to drink until he bled ale.

When the brunet brings the glass up to his lips, he can see Legolas across from his raising an eyebrow slightly like he’s challenging him. Normally, Kíli might have downed the wine in one go but _if_ it is as strong as the Elven King says, he doesn’t want Fíli to drag him back to their room. Besides, there’s a night of definitely not sleeping ahead of them, and he can’t participate in that if he’s passed out.

He simply takes a sip, actually surprised that it tastes pretty good, before putting it back down. He can already feel the steady warmth of the alcohol starting to spread in his body and he decides that it’s a really good thing that he didn’t rise to the other Prince’s bait.

“And thank you for letting us stay, it will only be another few days. We’ll want to get as far away from the mountain before the King realizes we aren’t coming back,” he says genuinely, if a little sadly. 

Thranduil nodded in acknowledgement, waiting until he'd swallowed the bite of venison he'd just taken before speaking. Fíli was privately happy to see that the Mirkwood elves were different from the Rivendell elves in that they still ate meat. She still wasn't convinced that Lord Elrond wasn't just playing a trick on them with their meal of leaves and greens. That couldn't possibly be all they ate.

Realizing she'd been staring blankly at the Elf King while her mind took this little detour, she shifted in her seat and folded her hands neatly on her lap, fingers plucking at the fabric of the dress. She couldn't seem to stop touching it, and running her hands over the front of the corset, like she still couldn't believe she was really wearing it. 

"Understandable. Captain Tauriel will guide you out of the forest when you decide to leave," Thranduil replied in that same soft, smooth voice he always used, unearthly eyes focused on Fíli. That reminds her of what she'd been wanting to ask him, and she cleared her throat awkwardly.

"Thank you for your kindness. With Uncle's... well his open hostility in the peace talks, I was worried you would not be receptive to granting us aid," she admitted, feeling a little proud that the corner of Thranduil's mouth quirks upwards at this, before it's hidden behind his goblet of wine.

"I would not punish a child for the sins of the father. Your Uncle is the only one accountable for his actions and words."

Fíli's surprise must show on her face, because the King hands her own goblet to her to drink from, which gives the blade master the time she needs to gather her thoughts together again.

Right. The question she'd wanted to ask. Focus, Fíli.

"Lord Thranduil, I've been curious.." she began lamely, struggling to find the words to best voice her confusion. Thranduil gives her a knowing look, though, and leans back in his seat to fold his pale hands over his stomach.

"You are wondering how it is I knew you are female?" he hummed, dipping his head when she nods. 

"You do not live to be as old as I and not notice a dissonance between one's body and soul as... glaring as your own, my Princess. You were out of tune with your own mind. You have been for many years, based on the darkness that surrounded you when you were first brought to my domain by your journey. It is not at all strange for mind and body to differ among our people. It is to be embraced and understood, not stifled. To feel like you must kill that part of you is a fate worse than death. Tell me, Fíli, why it is you let this poison you for so long?" 

Fíli is convinced her throat has closed up, her eyes dropped to stare determinedly at her lap, as if she expected it to hold all the answers. But when none appeared, she squared her shoulders and looked back up at Thranduil, trying to hide the tremor in her voice.

"When I was a child I bought a dress at the market. A blue dress, because blue was the color of the only dwarf I had ever known as a father. Thorin walked in on me wearing it," she said simply.

"My Uncle is the reason why I let this poison me for so long. His disappointment and shame at seeing me. His furious lecture that no one could ever find out, or they would hurt me. They would hurt _Kíli._ He said that I was to be his heir, and that no Prince can wear dresses or tell lies about being female. And he left me there with my dress in tatters," she finished in a whisper, barely stopping herself from flinching when Thranduil laid a hand on the top of her head.

She stared back at his impossibly large eyes, struggling to maintain her composure at the foul memories flooding her mind, and found herself soothed by his cool touch.

"While the things he said and did are inexcusable, I would say one thing on his behalf, my Princess," the Elf King murmured, smiling faintly when Fíli's mouth drops open.

"Sometimes people can be driven to impossible cruelties when they're scared. They will say things they do not mean, and do things that seem unfair. Especially when they're afraid for someone they love."

Fíli fights the urge to scoff at that, looking sadly at the Elf King.

"I only wish that I could believe that were true, but I appreciate your kindness, my Lord," she sighed, looking down at her dress again.

Thorin did not love her. Thorin had not loved her for a very long time. 

Kíli looks between the Elven King and his sister, frowning at the look on her face. He wasn't sure who was right at the moment. He could believe that Thorin now would never do anything for them out of love but if it was their Uncle from their childhood? Yeah, he could maybe see that.

Their Uncle is a King though, he should have been able to protect his niece instead of just trying to shut down an important part of who she is. He wishes he could remember where he might have been when all of that was happening or even a day that his One seemed sadder than usual. It had been a lot easier for Fíli to hide things from him when they were younger though. 

He reaches over and squeezes Fíli's hand, giving her a small reassuring smile as well.

Thorin may not love her but Kíli has loved her from as far back as he can remember.

They eat in silence for a while before he decides it's best to bring up another subject to distract everyone from crazy Dwarven kings.

“Captain Tauriel?” He pauses until she looks up him to continue, “Fíli and I were wondering if you could help her find something better to wear on the road? This dress is lovely but it'll be a hindrance in a fight.” Kíli wasn't sure that _hindrance_ actually described it properly. More like it would probably be impossible for Fíli to fight if they ran into orcs or anything else for that matter.

The elf captain looks at her King quickly before nodding her head.

“I would be happy to help. We can find something tomorrow after you've both rested,” she smiles.

Kíli turns to look at his sister with an ear to ear grin.

Fíli's mouth is still open with shock that her brother would just _ask_ that of Tauriel at the table, surrounded by elves as they were, ducking her head and staring determinedly at her plate. 

"I don't mind wearing trousers and tunics on the road," she mumbled, a frown on her face when she realized before she'd even finished her sentence that wasn't necessarily true. Not anymore. Now that she had a taste of what she'd wanted her entire life, the idea of going back to how things were made her insides curl up. Not only that, but everything as it was seemed so fragile, least of all her own emotional acceptance for who, and what, she is. To try and go back to trousers and tunics now would likely do her more harm than good.

Tauriel seemed to understand the dark turn her thoughts were taking, and the red haired elf reached out to rest a hand on top of Fíli's, offering her a smile.

"We'll find you a few things to wear. There are many elf women that don't feel you have to sacrifice your femininity to be just as capable of fighting and defending your people as men," she said gently, pleased to see this bring a smile to Fíli's face. 

Kíli's smile is instantly wiped from his face by Fíli's reaction. He thought he was helping but maybe it would have been better if he'd let his sister talk to Tauriel about it.

At least the elf Captain seemed to know how to smooth things over so that was good.

"I'll have one of our seamstresses take your measurements after dinner and see what we can find for you. I hope that elvish wear will be acceptable."

Fíli snorted at that and popped a small tomato into her mouth, eyebrows arching up towards her hairline.

"Not all dwarves share our King's blind hatred for elves. Many of us are smart enough to judge on an individual basis, rather than to condemn an entire race for the actions of their King," she said slowly, turning her blue eyes on Thranduil. 

The Elf King was amused at the shrewdness and levelheadedness this youngling possessed, tipping his head to the side as he eyed her.

"And how would you judge the actions of their King?" he asked in his soft baritone, watching as Fíli's mouth pursed faintly while she mulled over her words.

"I would consider them the actions of a wise Lord, who knew that to aid in a lost cause would only result in more death. While it is inexcusable that he did not provide aid to the injured and dying, or food and protection on their journey to a new home, his actions in refusing to fight the dragon were understandable, and in the best interest of his own people," she said finally. The other elves at the table stiffen, and many pairs of eyes are fixed on Thranduil, waiting for the King's reaction.

They're all surprised when the elf begins to chuckle, and bows his head to Fíli.

"You will make a good Queen some day, my Princess. You are wiser than your years let on, and you know when to condemn and when to forgive," he murmured, reaching out to take her hand between his own.

"My one regret is turning away from your people that day. You are correct to condemn my abandonment of the injured, and my refusal to give even the most basic of aid. I was merely concerned with the safety of my own people, and I hope that one day you will give me the chance to redeem myself for this mistake. The deaths of those who were lost along the road weigh heavily on my shoulders."

Fíli smiles at that and bows her head in return to the Elven King, surprised at how warm his hands were, clasped around her own.

"I doubt I will ever ascend to any throne, King Thranduil. But if I should ever become Queen, I promise that I shall call upon you should we ever need aid or counsel." 

Kíli made himself content with finishing off the food on his plate while he listened intently to the conversation between Thranduil and Fíli. It's easy to see that, had they been able to stay in Erebor, she would have made a great ruler. Too bad they would never be able to return to the mountain.

It almost felt like a waste for Fíli to have been through all that training for them to simply run away. It had been in their best interests though.

The brunet nodded gently as they spoke, silently agreeing with his sister. She had made sure that he didn't inherit their Uncle's hatred for the elves, teaching him to see from their side of the dragon attack. He understood why Thranduil didn't go in after the dragon but did agree that he could have at least offered to aid the refugees.

Kíli has to wonder if Thorin would have still thought of that as a betrayal. 

“Well mistakes are made to be learned from and you've been very helpful to Fíli and I. That doesn't make up for those that died on the road of course but I think it's a start.” He looked at the King before looking at his sister and making himself busy with eating the last bite of venison on his plate.

King Thranduil had been a greater help to Fíli, more than Kíli ever could have been, and that's enough for the archer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sannadad - perfect brother  
> sannamad - perfect sister
> 
> The reasoning for using male pronouns for Fíli up until this point was because she still identified as male, even if it wasn't necessarily by choice. As you can probably see, this came out rather early on in the story. That's because we didn't want it to be about the discovery, but rather Fíli's gradual acceptance of it, and herself, over time. So this chapter is far from being the magical fix all. Her struggles over her gender and her body image will continue to manifest throughout the story.
> 
> Don't be too quick to completely dismiss Thorin as Middle Earth's Worst Uncle, either. Thranduil's words hold more truth than you might think.
> 
> Thranduil isn't going to be That Douchey Guy in this fic. He's actually gonna be pretty cool, as are most of the Mirkwood elves. (Tauriel is also going to be completely fabulous, and her and Fíli are going to kick ass and fight the patriarchy like the BAMFs they are.)
> 
> My (durinesque/thorinoakenshield) apologies to anyone who is offended or upset by this chapter. A lot of what Fíli is thinking and feeling is based off my own experiences with the struggle over gender identity and expression, and everyone fights that battle in a different way.


	6. The Way You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli gets a braid and Fíli finds something to believe in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of past self harm and body dysphoria.

The rest of the meal goes rather smoothly, with Fíli contentedly eating her dinner while Tauriel and Legolas discussed the best way to take them through the forest to get where they needed to be. She didn't realize just how hungry she was until her plate was empty of food, stomach pleasantly rounded beneath the fabric of her dress. It felt like it'd been years since she'd had a full belly, and Fíli sighed contently at the comfortable sensation of just not being hungry. 

She left the wine alone, though, and simply relaxed in her chair while the conversations continued around her, allowing her attention to wander over the high forest ceiling and to admire the skill of the craftsmanship that built Thranduil's kingdom. It was flawless, even by the standards of their people. Fíli and Kíli had always been a bit different from most dwarves, which was more a result of their upbringing than any real peculiarity. They'd grown up climbing trees and hunting in the forests under the gaze of the sun and moon. To have been stifled up in Erebor, which most dwarves preferred, was practically unbearable. Fíli treasured the chances she got to train outside with Dwalin, or to go to the markets of the partially rebuilt Dale. 

By the time Tauriel takes her elbow to guide her and Kíli back to their room, she's half dozing and more than ready to lie down for a while. She lets a small, dark haired she-elf draw a length of marked fabric across her body a few times before she finally finds herself alone with her brother, a sleepy smile on her face as she sprawls back across their bed.

"It's so lovely here I almost wish we could stay. I've always loved the woods. Perhaps someday we can make ourselves a home in the forest by the Shire. A nice little cabin beneath the trees," she sighed, closing her eyes and letting herself picture it, arms folded over her belly. She wonders if she's supposed to feel sad, or guilty, that she's turned her back on her responsibilities as Prince and on her people. But even as she tries, all she feels is the overwhelming happiness of getting to be with Kíli, and the freedom of being away from the rot of Thorin's sickness, and the condemning laws that would see them hanged. 

She had never known the mountain, not like Thorin had. And she felt little connection to it, or the people she was to rule. She had spent much of her life apart from her own people, hidden away with Kíli in an attempt to protect them from any who would think to bring about an end to the line of Durin. Namely, Dain and his more vicious supporters, and any other who might wish to lay claim to the throne. She supposed even the throne of a lost kingdom was still a throne worth coveting.

But how was she expected to love and protect a people she had never known?

She opened her eyes and caught sight of Kíli working at the buttons of his tunic and smiled again, the tension and uncertainty melting from her bones. 

Fíli had never known Erebor, or its people. It was not home to her. Kíli was her home, and had been the only true home she'd ever known. All that mattered to her was Kíli. Nothing else was worth her time.

So instead of obsessing further over what could not be changed, or voicing these concerns to Kíli, she chose to say the words she'd longed to say her entire life.

"Come to bed, brother."

Kíli hums thoughtfully at that, working at the billion and a half buttons on his tunic. He makes a mental note that if they have to dress up again to pick something with less of the evil things.

“A cabin would be nice, away from everyone else. Bilbo said that his neighbors tended to be nosy,” he says working on the next button. He likes the idea of a cabin better than a hobbit hole but only by a little. He liked being the forest much better than he'd ever liked being in the mountain and hard started to miss being able to go out and hunt whenever he wanted to.

The forests always felt safer to him than the mountain ever had. Well maybe except for the Mirkwood. It had giant spiders and Mahal knew what else.

He finishes the last two buttons and smiles wide at being beckoned to bed by his sister. How many times has he dreamed of that or even asking her to come to bed? 

Kíli lets the cloth fall to the floor, moving up the bed so that he can lay next to her and press a kiss to her head.

“I don't really care if we live in a cabin in the woods or our own little hobbit hole as long as we get to be there together,” he murmurs. It's horribly sappy maybe but really it's the truth. They could live anywhere with any race and he'd be fine with it as long as Fíli was there. As long as he had his One, he'd be home. Something that Thorin had forgotten as of late.

“Will you put a courting braid in my hair now?” He asks excitedly. He's just remembered that she said that earlier and it is after dinner now. The archer can't help but think if he was a dog, he'd probably be wagging his tail right now.

Fíli laughs at the dopey grin Kíli was wearing, and she nods and sits up, tucking her legs neatly under her. She's still not quite used to the physicality of wearing a real dress, though, and she has to do some shifting and readjusting before she's comfortably settled on the mattress, dress puddled around her.

"Of course I can. One for all the world to see," she murmured contently, combing her fingers through his long brown hair. She finds the hidden braid she'd made and unravels it so she can use the hair, gathering it together and starting to wind it with practiced ease. Courting braids were different from regular braids and had five sections of hair rather than the more common three strand braids. The one Fíli was weaving for her brother spoke of an unbreakable bond and identified Kíli as someone's One. _Her_ One.

It takes a few minutes to get it the way she wants it, settled neatly in the middle of his brunet locks, but finally she's clasping it shut tight with the bead from the previous braid, leaning in to press her lips to the engraved metal.

"My One. My beautiful, perfect, amazing One," she murmured to the woven hair, trailing her fingers over it. As exiles, they may not be allowed beards, or any braids of honor and distinction. But they could have braids for one another, and Fíli intended to. After everything they had suffered through together for their people, she thought it was the least they deserved.

She leans back and offers her brother a small smile, stroking her fingertips against his smooth cheek.

"As much as I will miss our friends, I am happy to be here with you, my brother. I wouldn't return to the mountain now for all the gold in Erebor," she promised in a warm whisper.

Kíli was all she needed now.

Kíli wills himself to sit as still as possible as Fíli works even though it's hard to contain his excitement. He's going to finally get to wear his sister's courting braid and he doesn't have to hide it! 

He does inwardly lament that he can't give her a braid in return. All the beads he has had come from her originally since he'd never worn braids before now. Well he can always make her a bead when they got to the Shire and got their forge set up. Her forge actually. It wasn't that he was a bad blacksmith, he was pretty good actually, it's just that Fíli is better than he is and Kíli would rather spend his time out hunting.

“I'll miss them too but I would rather leave them behind a thousand times than lose you once,” he says as he gently rests his forehead against hers. Thorin had thought about leaving him in Ered Luin with Gloin's wife and Gimli before the quest started until the brunet had told him simply that he'd follow them all the way to Erebor. He wasn't about to let the remainder of his family, mostly Fíli, leave without him.

Thorin had relented pretty quickly after that.

He cupped her face in one hand and pressed their lips together, silently thanking Mahal that they got to have this. No matter what happened they got to be together for a least this little bit of time and it was more than he ever could have hoped for.

Fíli hums softly into the press of Kíli's lips to her own, arms sliding around his shoulders to tangle in his hair, careful of the braid she'd just put there. He was so warm in her arms, and she allows herself to take a moment to simply drink this in, to memorize how he feels and smells and tastes. She'd be convinced that he was finally out of her reach, that she was doomed to a lifetime of kissing some poor woman she could never love. After all that, she felt she'd earned a few seconds to bask in the feeling of Kíli's lips against her own.

She licks her way into his mouth again, as she had the night before, and whimpers faintly at the taste of sweet wine and cherries that lingers here, chasing the flavor with her tongue. With a bit of maneuvering she manages to situate herself straddling his lap, the dress starting to ride up around her thighs at the position. Fíli can't even be bothered to care right then, not when Kíli's arms were crushing her to his chest and their tongues battling for dominance between their mouths. 

The blond draws back before they get too carried away, though, and presses their foreheads together, her blue eyes heated and aching.

"I know how to do little of what two dwarves share in bed, my brother. I've not lain with another, and what knowledge I have of intimacy comes from what I've read in books. I couldn't bear the thought of laying with one who was not you," she admitted softly, tracing the shell of Kíli's ear with her fingertip. It was an ugly thought that her brother's experience came from sharing a bed with many other dwarves, but she would force herself to call it a blessing rather than allow it to upset her. At least Kíli did not suffer the loneliness that she had borne, and he would know how to make this enjoyable for them. Knowledge from a book was worth little in a practical situation. 

"Not to mention I never had the time or the energy, what with the constant training since I was little. I'd have fallen asleep on any potential partner," she added, trying to lighten the heavy mood hanging between them and offering him a tiny smile. 

She decided not to also say that her crippling anxieties and insecurities with the shape of her body also contributed to this desire to keep several layers of clothing between her and others at all times. Today had already been hard enough for Kíli, she expected, without her adding all her problems onto the pile. Besides, this was her One, not some stranger. She was sure she'd be fine.

"Teach me, brother. Teach me how to be a good lover."

Kíli rests his head against Fíli's shoulder, his mind weighing heavily with guilt and shame for ever laying with anyone besides his One. Where his sister had seemed to just accept her love for her brother, he had fought it tooth and nail, convinced that there was something wrong with him. He wished he hadn't been so stubborn and just accepted it too. He hadn't though and it had taken so many for him to realize that there would never be anyone that could love him like he loved Fíli.

He wasn't sure the knowledge he had was worth how much he had hurt her.

Then there's extra guilt for knowing that her first time was the two of them against the door to his bathroom.

“You should have told me before, sannamad. Your first time should have been more than us rutting against each other. You deserve much better than that,” he says, some of his guilt bleeding into his words. Had he known that she'd never been with another, he would have taken her to bed and done all the things he had thought about doing.

At least he gets tonight to make it all up to her.

Kíli rests his hands low on her bared thighs, thumbs gently running back and forth over the skin.

“We'll have plenty of time for lessons later, Fee. Tonight I want to take care of you for once,” he watches her, brown eyes pleading for her to allow him this. She'd spent all but five years of her life taking care of him, he thinks this is the least he can do for her.

Fíli can't help but chuckle at that, combing her fingers through his hair.

"My precious khahith, I do not regret what we did last night. I am happy for it. Without it, I doubt we would be here, now, as we are. I wouldn't change what happened for anything, Kee," she soothed, leaving a trail of little kisses along his smooth jawline.

She hesitates, though, at the feeling of her brother's hands moving higher on her thighs, muscles reflexively tensing. 

"I. My body is- My body is Wrong. It's Wrong and I don't like it. I don't like these parts of it that aren't mine," she admits in a harsh whisper, fingers digging into Kíli's shoulders. The thing between her legs that she wanted nothing to do with, but could never be free of. She'd always avoided touching it herself, except for the unavoidable purpose of emptying her bladder. It hadn't been so bad last night because they'd still been covered and simply rutted to their completion. But thinking about lying bare on the bed, even for Kíli, made her quail with anxiety.

She was sure he would grow impatient with her eventually. With her fears and insecurities. He'd see the self inflicted scars from her attempts to punish her body for its Wrongness and be annoyed by them. No one could bear to be with a lover that despised their own body for very long. 

"I'm sorry, I just.. I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I promise I can do it if you just go really slow," she insisted in a whispered rush, tightening her grip on her brother's shoulders. She'd do everything in her power to keep Kíli from becoming tired of her and her problems. 

If he called the thing between her legs a cock or hammer, though, she feared she'd likely just vomit on the bed and hide somewhere no one could ever find her again.

Kíli didn't miss the way the muscles tensed under his hands before he slid them back down towards Fíli's knees, wanting to make sure she was comfortable. His heart breaks at the loathing he can hear in her voice, wishing that he could give her the body she would be comfortable in.

“Oh my, ûrzudel,” he presses a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose, “I won't touch you anywhere that you don't want me to touch. There are other places and other things we can do that will make you feel good too.” He moves his hands from her legs to her back, running his hands up and down in a soothing manner.

He's starting to think that it might be a blessing that he knows the things he does. If neither of them knew what they were doing well, it probably wouldn't end like they wanted it to.

“Fíli, you know we don't have to do this tonight right? If you aren't comfortable then we can just crawl under the covers, cuddle up, and get some sleep,” he says honestly. Of course he'd be a little disappointed but he _needed_ her to be comfortable with what they might do.

Besides he really liked being able to hold her while they slept.

“It's not going to be any good for me if it's no good for you and it's not exactly something you can lie to me about. Not that you can lie to me anyway.” Kíli kisses her bare chin.

"No!" Fíli hisses fiercely, tightening her grip on her brother before burying her face into his throat, taking comfort in the scent of him that was concentrated there.

"We might not get another chance until we arrive at Beorn's. And I've waited my entire life already to be with you. I don't want to wait any longer."

She takes a few steadying breaths and forces herself to relax against Kíli's body, letting the tension bleed from her muscles as best as she could. She wouldn't relax completely, no doubt, but it was a start, and she waits until she feels less likely to throw up everything she'd eaten at dinner before speaking again. She just had to be open with her brother. She had to tell him what she needed, and maybe she could work through the things that crippled her.

"Can we just... kiss for a while? It makes me feel good to kiss you. And please don't take my dress off, yet. You can touch underneath it but just don't.. don't _look,_ " she whispered against his skin, petting her fingers over Kíli's bare shoulder to calm herself. She hated feeling so weak and out of control. She'd been raised to always be strong, to always seek to dominate every situation she was put in. But now she just felt helpless and unsure.

"And I beg that you please, _please_ don't call it.. don't call it what you call yours. Anything but that."

“We can kiss all night if you want, until the sun comes up or we fall asleep. I love kissing you,” Kíli replies, leaning his head against hers. He wants to touch her everywhere underneath the dress and feel every inch of skin he'd only ever dreamed of touching. He keeps his hands running smoothly over her back though for now though.

Right now Fíli reminds him of a scared rabbit, one wrong move and she'd bolt, but he can't blame her. He doesn't know what it's like to be uncomfortable in his own skin for so long, while being told that his thoughts were wrong but he can see the way it's worn on his sister.

Maybe one day she'd be comfortable enough to let him see her body but until then, he would be content with what she allowed. He was happy as long as she was happy.

She has her hands on him though and even though it was just his shoulders, he liked feeling them there.

“Well I can not talk about it at all if you want or I can call it what I've heard other ladies call theirs? Whatever is more comfortable for you, Fee,” he whispers, nuzzling into her blonde hair. 

She perks up a little at that, head tipping back to meet Kíli's gaze, filled with a strange emotion she couldn't really identify.

"You'd do that for me..? You'd call it my pearl?" she asked in a strangled whisper, resisting the urge to bite her arm just to see if this wasn't all just a cruel dream. Never had she ever imagined Kíli would be this understanding, this.. supportive of what she was. After all, if Uncle Thorin could condemn her as a freak and a pervert so easily, then why not the rest of middle earth?

She buries her fingers in Kíli's hair so she can pull him in for a kiss, still clumsy in her inexperience but more than making up for it with enthusiasm. She kisses him again and again before withdrawing so they can breathe, foreheads pressed together so she can still feel him close.

"How did I get so lucky to have you as my One, my beloved nadadith?" she sighed against his mouth, fingers trailing over the thick braid she's made in Kíli's hair. How could anyone condemn their love when Kíli was the first dwarf to truly understand Fíli, and make her feel like she could be whole again some day?

“I don’t think it’s luck, sannamad. You’ve been through a lot since I was born, maybe Mahal decided that you’ve earned some happiness. I was just lucky enough for Him to choose me to be the one to make you happy,” Kíli smiles against her lips. As far as he’s concerned he’d never done anything to deserve Fíli’s love, in fact he’s probably done more to prove that he doesn’t, but he’s not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He is going to make the most of all the time they have together though, no matter how everything ends.

He is Fíli’s and Fíli is his, that’s all that matters right now.

“And you can bet all the gold in Erebor, Fee, that I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that you’re happy. I love to see my One smile and you haven’t truly smiled in a long time,” he says gently, kissing his sister. If he had to guess, he thinks the last time he saw her smile bright enough to light a room had probably been the day before Thorin found her wearing the dress.

He cards his fingers through the hair framing her face as he runs his tongue along her bottom lip before letting it play against hers. Part of him keeps expecting his fingers to run into the braids she usually wears, but he doesn’t. There’s only the two small braids behind her ears that mark her as Kíli's sibling, and he finds that he actually likes this and has to chuckle a little.

“I bet if we told any of the company that I was wearing braids and you were only wearing two they would never believe us,” he grins. He probably never would have believed it either actually. 

"I left the two most important braids in, and that's all that matters to me," she murmured against his mouth, unable to get enough of touching and kissing her brother. The happiness they had right then scared her, for she'd learned over the years that happiness always came at a price. She feared that all too soon things would fall apart.

But for now, she was going to let herself enjoy what time they had together, before the inevitable fall of the axe.

Fíli closed her eyes to steel herself before she slips off Kíli's lap to stand beside the bed, keeping them shut as she begins to unlace the corset she was wearing. Kíli deserved to know, deserved to _see_ before they got so far away from Erebor he felt unable to escape her and return to it. That he'd promised not to do anything she did not want, that he'd willingly said he would not try and remove her dress or look if she didn't want him to helped bolster her nerves a little bit.

She lets the outer skirt fall to the ground and swallows thickly, fingers shaking as they work at the ties of the white dress, feeling it start to slowly slide down her arms before it also joins the top layer on the floor, pooling around her ankles. Last to go are the knotted white smalls that preserve the final bit of modesty she has left, leaving her bare to Kíli's scrutiny, and his scorn.

She can already feel his gaze tracing the scars that mar her stomach, hips, and thighs, reflexively trying to hide them behind her hands. Brownish-pink marks left behind from her nails, and deeper, thinner white lines made by her hunting knife, the hunting knife Thorin had gifted her on the day she'd come of age and been named his heir. 

"My body is Wrong. And I had to punish it for being Wrong. Uncle Thorin said I was to do whatever it took to fix myself so I would accept I was male, and so I punished myself for perverting Mahal's creation. For daring to say that the way He created me was Wrong," she whispered forlornly, fingers tracing a cut beneath her nipple. She hated her body. She hated this Wrongness that Mahal had inflicted upon her. And now Kíli could hate it, too.

Kíli sits silently on the bed, studying each and every scar on his sister's body, his brows knitting together tighter and tighter with each new one that he notices. And Mahal there are so many. He recognizes the scars left from a knife almost instantly and hates the thought of her sitting somewhere and dragging a blade across her skin. The ones on her thighs take a little longer to place as scratches and can only guess that it's from her own fingernails.

He wishes he could go back to before the quest and break their Uncle's jaw for being the one to cause Fíli to hate herself so much. The Thorin now wouldn't care but the archer still hoped that their Uncle from before the gold sickness would have. At least he hoped that Thorin never meant for her to hurt herself when he said to do whatever it took.

He wishes she would have told him sooner.

The brunet slips his hand into hers, letting their fingers intertwine while he rests their foreheads together. He doesn't know what to say, there's nothing he could ever say to make the things she's been through better. He wants to say that she isn't a perverter of Mahal's creation but thinking that He made her this way on purpose makes his stomach twist. He didn't want to believe their Maker would do this to Fíli just to watch her suffer for as long as she has.

Kíli decides to leave Mahal out of it for now.

“I love you, my ûrzudel,” he whispers. 

Fíli falls silent when Kíli didn't run away, or hide his eyes from the sight of her. She leans close to him as he shifts to sit on the edge of the bed and takes her hand, breath hitching at the press of his forehead against her own. 

"I love you, too, my khahith. More than you'll ever know."

She manages to slide back onto Kíli's lap again, trembling at the brush of his bare stomach against her hips. It feels better than she's willing to admit, and she tangles her fingers in Kíli's hair to try and ground herself again, face buried in the crook of his neck.

"At the most I had hoped you would at least not turn me away forever," she said softly, voice muffled against her brother's skin, "but I never dared to dream that you would be so good to me. That you'd truly understand me, and love me, even though I'm.. the way that I am."

It had been comforting to hear that she was not alone in the world, that Thranduil knew of elves that had experienced what she was going through, even though it still hurt to think that she might be the only dwarf to ever feel so wronged by their own body. To feel so isolated and ashamed and alone, still, as she had her whole life.

But she wasn't really alone anymore, because Kíli would help her. Even if she couldn't believe herself, she believed in Kíli. And if Kíli loved her, and said that she was beautiful, and that he desired her, then that was something to hold onto. Something to give her comfort and joy.

“I could never turn you away, Fíli. I could only leave if you forced me to but even then,” he shakes his head, trying not to think about it. He knows he'd fight her on it if she told him to leave but he'd relent in the end if he thought that it would make his One happy. It would kill him inside but he'd do it for her. 

“I've always loved you and will always love you no matter who, or what, you decide to be. I know you don't like this body but I do, especially in that red dress and even more now with no clothing on you at all,” Kíli smirks against her shoulder. He loves the feel of their bared skin pressed together as it is and just how warm she is against him. He's dreamed of it before but it's so much better than that.

He lets one had rest protectively in the small of her back, the scar she got protecting him during the Battle of the Five Armies just above his fingertips, while the other rests on her hip. When he moves his thumb, he can feel the ridges of the scars and sighs.

The fact that she felt like she had to hurt herself like that breaks his heart. 

“Is there something I can do to help with these, Fee? To help stop more of these from happening?” The brunet murmurs, letting his lips drag along her shoulder.

Fíli can't help but smile at his words, trailing her fingertip over the proud curve of Kíli's jaw. People had always compared her brother to an elf, with his angular features and high cheekbones and inability to grow a proper beard. She still didn't really get how it was insulting to compare someone to the only People on middle earth with wisdom, strength, and longevity that defied comprehension, but either way she still thought her brother to be the handsomest dwarf she'd ever known. She didn't think she'd tire of touching him and looking at him any time soon.

"Just keep.. being you, Kee. You're so good to me, and for the first time I can almost actually bear to agree with you that I look okay," she said faintly, toying with the end of one of Kíli's braids. Maybe she didn't entirely agree. But it was better than the usual self loathing she felt, even if only a little. But this would be a matter of baby steps, Fíli knew that well enough. Maybe by the time they reached the Shire she could even learn to be comfortable unclothed around her brother. 

She sighed and leaned back, fighting the urge to crawl back into her dress and beneath the covers because she _wanted_ this, and no one was going to get in the way of her getting what she wanted. Not even herself.

"I love you so much, my beloved One. And I want to enjoy this night together with you. I want to learn what it feels like to really enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, without hating myself afterwards. I want to be with you in all the ways we've always wanted to be together."

Fíli loved her brother more than anything in the world, and if there was anyone she could trust to make her just the tiniest bit less afraid of sharing intimacy with another, it was Kíli.

Kíli smiled up at her, playing with one of the end of one her braids in return. One of her two most important braids she'd said. Soon he was going to add a third to her golden hair, because when he had a bead made she'd wear his courting braid. 

They would match then and he couldn't wait.

“Well we're going to need more than a night for _all_ the ways I want to be with you, sannamad,” he smirks, “but tonight we'll take it slow. Tonight will be what last night would have been if I'd known that you'd never lain with anyone else before.” He kisses her chin once before he kisses her lips. He runs his tongue along her bottom lip, kisses the corner of her mouth and drags his lips across her jaw and down her neck. He stops just over her pulse, which has already started to pick up a little, though whether because of nerves or something else he doesn't know.

“If I do something you don't like, you're going to tell me, Fíli,” he says gently but keeps his voice firm, “I meant what I said earlier. This won't be any good for me if it isn't good for you.” Kíli presses a kiss to her pulse before he pulls away from her neck to look up at her. 

“Tonight will be our first real time.”

Fíli made a noise that was halfway between a plea for more and an agreement to his terms, already shuddering just from the pressure of his mouth against her throat. Their first real time together, the first of many. Her first real time ever. She was happy it was going to be with Kíli. 

She only had an imagined concept of what things could possibly transpire between them tonight, but she carefully settled herself back on the bed for her brother anyways, arms folded awkwardly over her chest.

"I promise, Kee. I'll tell you if there's something I don't like," she murmured, feeling her skin heat up with embarrassment at the look in his eyes. Fíli wasn't used to being looked upon with desire like that. Sure there were plenty that eyed her with lust; she'd been quite comely as a male, and the wealth of her bloodline was impressive. But she'd never quite seen anyone look at her the way Kíli was right now. Though, of course, Kíli was her One, and her brother. To compare any others to him was rather unfair, seeing as there was simply no way they could ever compete with him in her eyes.

"Teach me, my khahith. I want to learn how to love me the way you love me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is sexy times. ;)


	7. A Tumble and a Half (Or Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli learns to feel and Kíli hears an important story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for~
> 
> Some dysphoria and mentions of past minor character death.
> 
> Also feelings. Lots of feelings.

Kíli leans his top half over her and kisses his sister until he absolutely has to pull away to take a breath. He gives Fíli a warm smile before kissing the tip of her nose and going back to her pulse point. He runs his lips across it once before gently and quickly sucking on the skin, smoothing his tongue over the already fading spot of pink. 

He's always wanted to mark Fíli and be marked in return. It was the one thing he never allowed anyone to do. Even as he fought his feelings for his sibling, he never wanted to be marked as _theirs_. With his sister though, she could turn him into one giant bruise and he'd be perfectly okay with that.

He trails his lips slowly, reverently, over her shoulder and down to her collarbone, leaving another mark that starts to fade as soon as he moves away. He picks up one of her hands and kisses the palm before settling it on his shoulder and giving the other hand the same treatment. He kisses the center of Fíli's chest, right over her thudding heart, before moving up to capture her lips again.

“Alright so far, my ûrzudel?” Kíli asks against her lips.

Fíli's feels each touch of lips against her skin as if it burned her, shivering and letting her eyes close over with the sheer delight of it. When her hands are guided to rest on Kíli's shoulders, she lets them slide up into his thick hair instead, fingernails scratching gently at his scalp as they kiss.

"So very alright," she breathed, hips bucking up of their own accord, desperate for attention to the aching place between her legs. Kíli's still sitting on the bed, though, and not on top of her, and she decides that just isn't going to work at all.

So the ex Prince drags her brother the rest of the way over her so that she can grind up against his still clothed erection, ridiculously pleased at the rather obvious evidence that Kíli was enjoying this, and desired her.

"I want more, Kee. I want to feel you everywhere. I want you to give me bruises on my neck so everyone knows what we did. I want your touch to linger on my skin so I remember for days and days that you want me, and that my body isn't something that I have to hate because _you_ like it enough for both of us," she whispered into his mouth, wrapping her hand around the thick courting braid and tugging.

"I want you to love all of me even though I can't, because one day I'll learn to love me, too."

Kíli can't help the way his hips grind down and the way his breath catches in his throat when Fíli pulls on his courting braid. He loved the feeling of her fingers against his scalp and tugging on his hair.

“Anything for you, sannamad,” he whispers back before giving her another kiss and moving back to her neck. He instantly latches on and sucks hard and long, determined to try and leave a mark that could last until they got to Rivendell. When he pulls away he knows that it'll never last that long but the mark he's left is large and dark and there's no doubt what it is.

There's a steady mantra of _mine_ running through his head as he gently kisses over it. There would be a doubt that she was his just as much as he was hers even though she didn't wear his braid, yet.

The brunet kisses his way down his sister's chest and stomach, kissing over each and every scar he finds along the way. He silently apologizes for never noticing just how much she was hurting and not confessing his feelings sooner. He kisses and traces his fingers along her biggest one, the scar she received protecting him. He's never been that scared in his whole life, only able to sit and hold her while she bled. He'd been so sure that he was going to lose his One and had prayed that if Mahal was going to take Fíli that He take Kíli too.

He pushes the dark thoughts out of his mind, reminding himself that she's here with him now and very much alive.

Kíli sits back on his heels between his sister's legs, looking over the sight that she makes and drinks it all in.

“You're beautiful, Fee.”

She looks up at Kíli with lust blown eyes, hands grabbing at fistfuls of silk sheets to ground herself and remind her that this is really happening, and it isn't just a dream.

"Kíli, please. I need you," she begs in a low growl, breath hitching when the fresh bruise on her throat throbs, sending a spark of pleasure shooting down her spine to explode as heat in the pit of her stomach. For now, she ignores the discomforting feeling of her... her thing hardening between her legs, choosing instead to focus everything on her brother.

Fíli had waited her entire life for this. She was tired of waiting.

She plants her hands on the bed so she can push herself up eye level to Kíli, expression warm and soft.

"I love you, my precious nadadel. And I want to see all of you, and feel all of you. Do not deny me this any longer. As you said, we have all the time in the world to take it slow. Right now, I just want what I've been wishing for all my life," she chuckles softly, reaching out to cup his face. 

Kíli smiles and leans into her touch, using his hand to keep hers pressed against his cheek for a moment longer, trying to calm his heart down for a minute.

“And what exactly have you been wishing for all your life, dear namad?” He grins a little, arching an eyebrow at her. He wants to know what she thought about when she thought of them. Mahal he could write a book about all the things he's dreamed about over the years.

“I know what I've dreamed of but we will have to go slow or else I'll hurt you. I love you more than anything and I would rather go back to the mountain than cause you pain,” he says seriously before kissing his sister. 

“I want,” he pauses and licks his lips, suddenly nervous to voice his own desires, “I want to be inside of you, my âzyungâl, but only if you want. And you'll have to be patient but I promise it'll be worth it. I won't even have to touch your pearl for it to feel good.” How ironic that he's telling her to be patient. How many times over his life had she said the same words to him?

Fíli blinks at that, trying to remember if her book said anything about that, but allows herself a moment to relish how wonderful that would be, to come with her brother deep inside her, without having to even touch that loathed part of herself. 

She pressed her forehead to Kíli's and simply enjoyed the closeness of him, and the mingling of their breath between their mouths. It felt almost unbearably intimate, and the other dwarf still hadn't even finished undressing.

"First I want to see you, brother. All of you. And then I want you inside me. I.. I don't really know much of how to make that happen, but I trust you, my One."

Her voice is soft but steady, offering Kíli a small smile that is reassuring both to him and to her. She was uncertain, of course, bred by the fact she didn't really know, beyond ideas and fantasies provided by her book, what her brother had planned. But her anxiety is belied by the complete trust she has in him.

Fíli let herself settle back against the pillows again and tipped her head to the side, eyeing her brother with the faintest look of amusement playing across her face.

"Well then, I'm waiting, my love. Let me see you."

“Bossy, bossy,” Kíli teases, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He hadn’t bothered to take off his boots when they came back and he’s kind of glad he didn’t. The look of impatience on his sister’s face has him trying, and failing, to hide a smile as he undoes the buckles to one boot and then the other. He toes them off before he stands next to the bed, facing towards Fíli, and starts to undo the laces for his trousers. 

He loosens the ties enough that the clothing barely hangs off his hips before he feels a weight in one of his pockets. He reaches in and produces a small glass vial, setting it next to the bed. 

“I’ll explain that in a minute,” he says quickly. Kíli doesn’t know why but he’s nervous to really explain what being inside his sister entails. Maybe because he was beyond skeptical when the first dwarf had explained it to him and it almost hadn’t happened.

He was curious to a fault though and figured out just how good it could be. He just had to hope that Fíli would be just as curious.

He hooks his thumbs inside his trousers and smalls, pushing both down off his hips and down to the floor before he kicks them off.

“Like what you see?” He asks with a cheeky smile. Kíli gives her a second to look before he crawls back to lay over her again, slowly lowering himself until almost every inch of their skin is touching. He kisses her slow and deep, loving the way their skin slides together.

The archer sits back on his heels again, hooking his fingers behind Fíli’s knees and raising them up enough that her feet are flat on the bed. 

“What I meant by being inside you is uh,” he licks his lips again, trailing the fingers of one hand down the outside of her thigh, “I want to be inside you here.” He says swallowing hard as his fingers brush across one globe of her ass until he can run the pad of one finger over her entrance.

“That’s what the oil is for, to help ease the way.” Kíli pulls his hand away, nervously waiting for Fíli’s reaction. 

Fíli can't help but whimper at the weight of her brother on top of her, and the glide of skin on skin. It felt better than she'd ever hoped to imagine, and Mahal forgive her for any undignified noises she may make.

She grumbles with complaint when Kíli draws back from the kiss all too soon, staring at him insistently with eyes that begged for another. The blonde is distracted, though, by her brother's explanation of what was to come, the wheels slowly turning in her head before it clicks, and she realizes what he means.

Fíli had never really thought about putting something there, considering that was generally where things came out. Her book didn't really say much on that sort of sexual act, either, though admittedly it had been about sex between a man and a woman, who already had complimenting body parts. But Kíli had said it would feel so good, she would come without even needing to touch her pearl. So it couldn't really be all that bad, could it?

"I trust you, Kee," she said finally, spreading her legs a little bit more for him and ignoring how exposed this makes her feel. This was Kíli, not some random dwarf. She trusted him with her life. She could certainly trust him with this.

She reached up towards him to pull him back down on top of her again, sighing at the delicious weight of his body and the easy way he seemed to slot between her thighs, like he was meant to be there.

"I want you inside me, my One. Please."

“Soon,” he whispers against her lips. He kisses her, letting his tongue run along hers while he reaches out for the vial. He doesn't know if he should thank Prince Legolas for his foresight, since Kíli hadn't thought to bring anything for this situation, or be that much more embarrassed that the elf had known they'd need it.

He sits back again, watching her as he removes the cork and slicks his fingers with the sweet smelling oil. He chooses to keep the glass in his hand and simply covers the opening with the pad of his thumb so that he doesn't have to fight with the cork later.

“It's going to feel... Weird at first but I promise it'll get better,” he says, sliding a finger down to spread oil on the ring of muscle.

“Just try to relax and tell me if it starts to hurt too much,” Kíli leans forward enough that he can kiss over her chest. He sucks another bruise over her heart as he pushes in the first finger just to first knuckle.

“Ok, sannamad?” The brunet asks, feeling her body tense under him.

Fíli has to agree with Kíli that this definitely does feel weird, her body automatically tightening around the intrusion to try to force it out. It doesn't particularly hurt more than it just feels a little uncomfortable, and she has to wonder if this was going to feel as good as Kíli said it would.

She takes a deep breath and buries a hand in Kíli's hair, tangling her fingers in the thick brown strands to ground herself, forcing her body to relax around the digit buried inside her. When she's not as tense and tight anymore, the discomfort fades a bit, and she allows herself an experimental rock of her hips up towards her brother. She ignores the hard flesh jutting out from between her thighs for now, giving her brother a faint little smile.

"Yeah, I'm okay. It just feels a little different is all," she admits, massaging her fingers against Kíli's scalp, more to soothe herself than to comfort him.

"I can take another."

Kíli kisses and slides his tongue over the scar underneath her nipple as he pumps the first finger in and out a few times.

“The next one might sting a little,” he says apologetically. He slides his first finger all the way out before, as slowly as he can manage, pushing two back inside his sister. 

“Breathe, Fee. Try to relax for me, it'll get better in just a few moments,” he murmurs against her skin. He gives her nipple an experimental flick with his tongue before sucking a light mark next to it. He hopes to be as distracting as possible with his mouth while his fingers sink deeper and deeper.

“Now comes the good part,” Kíli grins and moves his fingers until he finds Fíli's hidden pleasure spot. His grin widens when the pads of his fingers run over it lightly at first before firmly rubbing against it.

Fíli hisses at the faint burn of two fingers pressing inside her, focusing on the feeling of Kíli's mouth against her skin to try to keep from tensing again, tightening her grip on her brother's hair. If it hurts just from two fingers, how on earth is she supposed to accommodate Kíli's girth into her?

"Good part? There's a good p-"

The rest of the word fades into a strangled whimper of delight at the sudden surge of pleasure that shoots up her spine, hips jerking and the muscles of her stomach twitching with energy. She's never felt anything that good in her life, not even the orgasm she'd had the night before, grinding against her brother.

"Oh.. Oh my khahith, do that again," she begged, fingers combing desperately through Kíli's brown locks and all but forgetting the discomfort from earlier. If it felt like this having Kíli inside her, she'd gladly welcome it. 

Fíli drags her brother down for a desperate kiss, muffling her moans against his lips as her body tries to ride the fingers inside her, relishing each spark of pleasure their touch causes. She can still taste the elf wine on his tongue and this only makes her whimper more, not even caring that the messiness of the kiss is far louder than her moans. 

Kíli smiles into the kiss as he starts to pump his fingers in and out, making sure to hit that spot with every thrust. He starts to spread her just a little wider with his fingers, reminding himself that as bad as he wants to sink into Fíli, he needs to take this slow for her. He wants to show her just how good this can be, even in this body, and he's only going to scare her off if he rushes.

Besides his One makes quite the picture like this. There's just one little thing he wants to change. He breaks their kiss and gently nips along her jaw to her ear, playing with the lobe for just a second.

“I want to hear you, ûrzuduh, want to hear how good you're feeling,” he purrs into her ear before moving down to the crook of her neck and leaving numerous light marks there. They'll be gone in a minute or two but that doesn't stop him from peppering them over her neck, shoulder and collar bone as he carefully works a third finger in. 

The brunet keeps his hand still as Fíli adjusts but lets his fingers press against the spot, alternating pressure anywhere from firm to completely pulling his fingers away from it. 

"But.. they'll hear us if we're too loud," Fíli gasped, body twisting beneath her brother's as a third finger joins the others inside her, sweat starting to bead on her skin. She feels as if she's burning up with need, and she rakes her fingernails down Kíli's back to illustrate this quite clearly to him, hard enough to leave red lines but not drawing blood.

When Kíli's fingers spread apart inside her, and graze that sweet spot once more, all thoughts of propriety are gone, and she clutches to her brother, desperate to finally be filled by him.

"Kíli, please! I want you inside me, I _need_ you inside me! I've waited long enough!" she wails, burying her hand in her One's sweaty brown hair, gasping hotly against his ear. Fíli was pretty sure they'd be teased mercilessly tomorrow, but she couldn't be bothered to care just then. She couldn't be bothered to care about a Mahal cursed thing, not with Kíli's weight on top of her, and the smell and taste of him cloying her senses.

There was no hate or unhappiness, no fear, no loneliness, and no sadness. There was just Kíli, and the warmth of his skin against her own. Her mind was empty for once, and the little voice inside her head that always reminded her of her flaws and her Wrongness was silent, quashed down by the sound of her brother's voice.

For once, Fíli finally felt in control. For once, she finally felt free from her own self loathing.

"Please, my brave wolf. Fill me up and make me whole."

Kíli arches up into his sister's fingernails, moaning long and low as they drag down his back. He gets her point though and works as fast as he's comfortable with to get Fíli ready for him.

He sits back on his haunches, only now realizing that his fingers are aching from hanging onto the vial so tight, tipping the glass and letting the oil pool in his palm. He hisses as he spreads it over his hard length, both from the fact that the oil is a little cold and he's positively _aching_ for his sister.

When he lays back over Fíli, he kisses her as sweetly as can and put the vial back on the table. The cork is around here somewhere but he really can't be bothered to find the damn thing right now.

“Here wrap these around me,” the archer says as he guides one of her legs around his waist. He rests his forehead against hers as he reaches between them to line himself up with her entrance.

“I love you, Fee. This is going to hurt a bit,” he whispers against her lips, “try to relax but tell me if it gets to be too much.” He captures her lips again as he starts to push in. Mahal she is tight and he has to fight to keep his eyes open so that he can watch hers for any signs that it's too much.

It doesn't necessarily hurt so much as it feels incredibly uncomfortable and overwhelming all at once, Fíli decides as she clutches at Kíli with every inch of her body, a shuddering gasp muffled by his mouth against her own. 

Her nerve endings burn with pain as her body stretches to try to allow Kíli to press inside her, and she can feel the thing between her legs wilting. Fíli refuses to let it stop, however, and grits her teeth, forcing herself to relax in an attempt to make it easier.

And then as suddenly as it starts, it's done, and Kíli is all the way inside her. The pain even begins to fade while she adjusts to the girth of his hammer buried deep within her core, helped by the way it grazes past the special spot of pleasure inside her when he shifts slightly.

Perhaps this really could be as enjoyable as Kíli promised.

"Kee.. Kee, dear Mahal, I feel so full," she admits in a strangled whimper, petting her fingers through his hair to distract herself from the last remnants of discomfort, forehead pressed to her brother's and lips scant inches apart. 

“I know,” he breathes. He can feel her pearl softening against him and he's a little heartbroken by Fíli's whimpering since he knows what she's going through. The first time is the worst, it was for him too, and he wants to tell his One that it's going to be better in just a moment but he's been saying that all night. While he, hopes, that he's right he doesn't think he should repeat himself again and again.

Kíli also wants to tell her that it gets easier over time as she gets used to it but he also doesn't want to assume that this will happen again either. Or worse make her feel like this has to happen again.

He kisses her, trying to distract himself from the tight heat around him, and waits until he can feel the rest of his sister's muscles relax around him.

“I'm going to move now,” he says just before he gives a slow and shallow roll of his hips. 

“You feel so good around me, Fee,” he groans. He wants to say that she's so much better than anyone he's had before but he doesn't want his One thinking about any of the dwarves in his past. Mahal even he doesn't want to think about them. He thinks about how he's _actually_ here with her instead, after years of believing that he would never even have as much as a kiss. They're in bed together and he can show her just how much he loves her.

Kíli kisses his sister again, deeply this time, as he sets up a slow rhythm. He realizes that he's not quite hitting her pleasure spot and angles his hips just a little more so he can hit it with every thrust in.

“So good, ûrzuduh,” he pants. 

Fíli is gasping softly when Kíli finds that little spot inside her again, body arching up and sending a sharp stab of pain down her spine, making her immediately drop back down onto the mattress again.

Right, her back.

In all of the emotional flurry of the moment, she had forgotten about her bandaged back, and the injuries that lurked under there from Thorin. The bruises from Dwalin she didn't mind. She was used to those, and were the testament of a strong warrior trying to become stronger. It was impossible to become a better fighter without getting bruised and knocked about. But the weals and contusions from Thorin's beating were another matter entirely. The numbing ointment she had put on them that morning before dressing for court had done wonders, an invention of Oin's that she'd filched from him. But now it was evening, and it was wearing off, not at all helped by the way she was writhing on the bed beneath her brother.

But the last thing she wanted to do was end this because she was in pain.

So, she decided to go a different route.

Fíli planted her palms on Kíli's chest and flipped them with a move Dwalin had taught her, grinning breathlessly down at him when she's now the one on top, straddled across Kíli's thighs with him still half buried inside her core.

"I like this position better," she murmured, reaching behind herself to hold Kíli's hammer so she can sink the rest of the way back down on it again, shuddering at the increased pressure this position put against her sweet spot.

"Ahh, Kee.. Feels so good in me.. Can't believe I waited so long to have you."

She began to roll her hips on top of him, riding him much like she'd ride a galloping pony, weight supported on her knees, which were pressed into the mattress on either side of her brother's hips. Of course this was much, much nicer than riding a pony, and she leaned down to steal another messy, open mouthed kiss from the dwarf beneath her, actually liking the way clearish fluid leaked from her pearl and smeared across Kíli's belly. 

"Mmnn, Kíli!"

For a second when Fíli had been pushing on his chest he was worried that he's actually hurt her or she's not enjoying this as much as he hoped. It's only for a second and then he finds himself on his back staring up at his grinning sister.

 

Well he hadn't been expecting that and he makes a mental note to beg her to teach that trick to him later.

Kíli doesn't have any time to consider the reason behind the change of position, and no time to feel guilty about forgetting about the blonde's injuries, before she's sinking back down onto him.

“Well now we can do this whenever you want,” he pants with a grin. He leaves that decision up to Fíli so hopefully she doesn't feel pressured to have sex again. That and she's more responsible than he is. If it were left up to him, they'd only leave this bed for food and the occasional bath.

The archer grips her hips, needing something to anchor him. He doesn't feel like he has to guide her as much as maybe he would have thought before. She's good at this, _very_ good at this. He uses what leverage he can get to try and push deeper into her, growling when he can feel her fluttering around him.

“Sweet Mahal, Fíli,” he growls through his teeth.

Fíli feels the burn of pleasure low in her belly as she rides her brother, planting her hands on Kíli's chest to ground herself so she can push her body up, only to slam back down once more. It fills the room with the lewd slap of flesh meeting flesh, and if Fíli were any sort of coherent, responsible mind right then, she'd be embarrassed that half of Thranduil's Kingdom could probably hear their coupling. 

Right now, though, all Fíli can think of is the smell and feel and taste of her One, golden hair plastered to her forehead with sweat and skin damp with it. There was something so primal, so _pure_ about sex that she lamented missing out on all these years, feeling full to the brim with heat and energy. They had many long years to make up for, and she was keen on making sure no more time was wasted between them. 

She hauled Kíli into a sitting position so she could kiss him easier, shivering with delight at the way her nipples pressed and rubbed against the wiry bed of black hair that adorned Kíli's chest, catching against her own, thicker patch of yellow blonde. She couldn't fuck herself down on her brother's cock as easily as she did when he was lying down, but she preferred this way better, especially when Kíli's arms circle around her lower back.

"I'm close, nadadith," she panted against his ear, whimpering as their frantic fucking slowed to something softer and more intimate, her body rolling down to meet the gentle thrust of Kíli's hips. 

“Yeah, sannamad? Going to come for me? I want you to, want to feel you coming around me,” Kíli babbles against the skin of her shoulder. If he wasn't so close himself he might have been able to stop the words from spilling out his mouth, not wanting to overwhelm his golden lover. He can't though and worse there is still so much he wants to say but he can't find the proper words. He probably could if there was more blood in his brain right now but he can't complain about where it's currently at.

He settles for leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses along her shoulder and up her neck, trying to pour every ounce of his love into each one. He slides one of his arms from around her hips up into her hair, pressing their foreheads together, their panting breaths mingling between them.

The younger has to fight back the surge of his release when he looks into Fíli's eyes, the beautiful blue irises nearly swallowed by the black pupils. _He_ did that. _He_ is the only one that has ever gotten to see not just his sister's eyes, but she herself like this.

“Please ûrzuduh.” 

Fíli doesn't need much prompting, not with Kíli's lips so close to hers and his fingers in her hair, and she cries out her pleasure into his mouth as she comes, her muscles tensing and thighs quivering at the intense burning in her belly and her groin. Stripes of sticky white mark Kíli's muscled abdomen and she clenches down hard around the length inside her, as if her body is attempting to milk her brother's orgasm from him as well. 

It's wonderful, far better than what they had shared the night before, and she gives him a wet, lazy kiss as she rocks her body down against Kíli's lap, fighting the feeling of oversensitivity at the continued stimulation to her pleasure spot.

"Come for me, my beloved One. Want to feel you come inside me and fill me up with your seed," she begs, pressing kisses along his chin and jaw, fingers dragging through the coarse hair on his chest.

Kíli wraps both of his arms around Fíli's hips again, pulling her as close as possible and still wanting to be closer. He comes hard on a low growl and his release painting his sister's insides, filling her up just as she asked to be. He stills her hips when it starts to become too much for him, knowing its already too much for her, lazily kissing her lips.

“What did you think, my âzyungâl? Better than last night?” He asks on a shaky breath. He reaches up for another kiss before starting to moves his hands down to her hips, when it suddenly hits him.

He's completely forgotten about her injuries. Oh, Mahal he'd had her on her back and had been laying on top of her and then wrapping his arms over the marks!

“Oh, Fíli, I'm so sorry! I was so excited to show you everything I forgot about the weals. That's why you liked this position better. I didn't even stop to consider that they would be hurting. You should have said that I was hurting you, Fíli please, I'm so sorry! I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted to make your first real time good and I totally forgot about your injuries! Mahal, that's awful, how could I just forget that?” He says in a rush, brows knitting together in concern while his brown eyes start to get misty thinking that he's actually hurt his sister. 

The archer has to be the worst brother and lover in all of Middle Earth to just _forget_ that his One is injured! He definitely wouldn't blame Fíli for saying so.

At first Fíli is alarmed when Kíli suddenly starts to yell in a panic, but by the time he's done sputtering out his upsets she's just more amused than anything else, reaching up to brush her fingers through his hair with a chuckle.

"Oh, my beloved khahith. If it truly bothered me, I would have stopped you. Instead, I just moved until it was better, and now I am fine. They will pain me for a while yet, but that does not mean I'm going to stop enjoying things," she sighed, slotting her nose beside his and nuzzling him, lips brushing in quick little kisses.

"We have just joined our souls in the eyes of the Maker himself, my One. Our bond is complete and fully forged with the strength of mithril and diamonds. None can possibly tear us apart, now, not even Thorin. Why in Mahal's name would I care about a few cuts on my back, when I have everything I have ever wished for my entire life right here in my arms?"

She shook her head, but with a smile on her face, and carefully lifted herself up in Kíli's lap until his softened length slips from her, leaving her to feel horribly empty, and sticky.

"I think a nice, long bath is in order. And then more rest. Tomorrow I hope to convince Captain Tauriel to spar with me. The elves have a lot of battle tactics we could learn from, especially since it is just the two of us on the road," she hums thoughtfully, trailing her fingers through Kíli's hair, careful not to tug on any knots she encounters.

Kíli visibly relaxes at his sister’s reassurances. He should have known that she would have said something if her back hurt too bad but hearing that she would have makes him feel better. He silently promises to be more mindful of Fíli’s wounds until they heal completely though. 

“Hmm, a bath does sound good. You do still smell of pony,” he teases and isn’t surprised by the light cuff he gets to the back of his head. He only chuckles and nuzzles against her neck. He actually barely notices the smell of pony underneath the smell of sweat and sex and _Fíli_. It’s both heady and calming at the same time. 

“We’ll have to enjoy our bath to the fullest extent, probably won’t get another hot one for a while,” he murmurs against her skin, sighing internally at having to bathe in cold streams and rivers again.

“Did you bring something for your cuts?” Kíli asks, looking up at her. He’s pretty sure he knows the answer already, he’s only grown up with her and it wouldn’t be the first time they nicked something they needed. It wouldn’t be the first time they nicked something just because they could either.

“After our bath I can take care of them for you, ûrzuduh,” he suggests. He thinks that he’ll need to if they’re going to be, hopefully, working with the elves tomorrow. 

Fíli knew she'd have to get up and dress at some point if their bath was to happen - unlike in Erebor, where water from the hot springs that lay beneath the mountain could be piped up to their baths, they'd have to ask for heated water to be brought to their room. But right now she couldn't much care to do more than press close to Kíli and enjoy the warmth of his body against her own, settled on his lap with her legs hooked around his waist as she was, fingers still combing their way through his tangled hair.

"Brought the ointments I had for healing and cleaning them," she murmured lazily, nodding at his suggestion of bandaging them again after they were bathed. It'd be nice to have a real, proper bath with someone. On the journey to reclaim Erebor she'd hidden away from everyone else while she bathed, both because she was ashamed of and loathed her body, and because she didn't want anyone to see the scars littering her flesh. Any who saw them would know what they were from in an instant, and that was not a conversation she wished to have in the middle of a dangerous quest.

Fíli smiled faintly and nestled her cheek against Kíli's shoulder, tracing her fingers along his jawline, memorizing each little dip and freckle and scar. Her beautiful, impossibly precious little brother. 

"When Mother told me she was with child again, I was so angry at you. I didn't want to share her love with anyone. Especially not after losing Father only weeks before to an Orc raid. But then she told me how important my job as your older sibling was, how I'd have to protect you and look out for you. It took me a while to get there, but I grew to love the little thing making Mother's belly grow so big. Even on the days we had to go hungry, so she could save a few more pennies to buy milk with when you were born. Thorin did his best to support us, of course, but there's little work to be found for dwarves in the cities of men, and Dain had no desire to give us aid and deplete his overflowing coffers. We never really had enough, and more days than not I went to bed with an empty belly."

Fíli's voice was soft as she spoke, eyes still following the path her fingers took as they trailed along the high arch of his brows, finding an old scar there from when he'd accidentally tripped and fell as a child, and had been cut by a branch on the ground. She'd kissed it better and bought him a sweet candy on their way home with the last of her pennies from running messages for the villagers, not even caring that she'd been saving them to buy some bread from the baker. Kíli had always been her priority, and she'd never once felt she made the wrong decision by putting his needs before her own. She'd promised their Mother, after all, that she'd take care of their Kee. 

"It was all worth it in the end, though, to hear your little cries and actually hold you. My sweet little brother," she sighed, cupping his cheek and pulling his face close so she could press a kiss to his temple, humming contentedly against the skin there. Fíli had never really told Kíli much about their childhood, before he'd grown old enough to remember for himself. Nor had Thorin, for the dwarf was too proud to ever admit aloud how destitute they had been during their early years in the Blue Mountains. 

She chuckled and kissed her way back down to his neck, breathing in the smell of sex that clung to the skin here.

"I was the only one you'd let feed you for over a decade. Thorin would never admit it, but he was incredibly jealous that all you would do is cry and cry when he tried to give you the bottle, yet the instant I took you and pressed the nipple to your lips you'd latch on and drink like you'd never tasted anything so good. Even then, there was only just us, my precious sannadad. We didn't need any other so long as there was you and me."

“I still don't need any other as long as you're here with me, sannamad,” Kíli whispers against the skin of her shoulder. He couldn't remember much from that early on in his childhood but he did know that he's always loved Fíli the most. So, while all of this is new information for him, it's hardly surprising.

It had always been the two of them and that had always been just fine by him. Although he does wonder what they would have become if their Mother had lived through his birth.

“I remember you were the only one that could get me to eat green foods,” he chuckles and nuzzled into her neck. He was better about it now, if only by a little, but his sister was still the only one that he'd eat green food for. Although with their relationship now, she had a lot more to hold over his head than just the threat of no sweets. 

He wraps his arms low around her waist, trying to avoid her injuries, and keeps her pulled close to his. They both do need a bath but he really doesn't want to give this up just yet. Kíli loves the feel of his One around him, feeling her weight in his lap and her breath on his skin. He wishes they could stay just like this, curled up around each other with no concern for the world outside of their bed. 

“No one had ever told me about her,” he says gently, “Thorin never wanted to talk about her and all either Balin and Dwalin ever said was that I reminded them of her.” 

That made Fíli laugh, and she shoved her brother back on the bed so he sprawled against the pillows, settling herself comfortably down on top of him with her head resting on his chest.

"They're right. You are very much like our mother. You even look like her, with all your wild dark hair and big brown eyes," she hummed, fingers combing through the wiry hair on his chest. Kíli may not have been very good at growing hair on his chin, but his chest and legs were thickly furred with coarse brown curls, and she was pretty sure she was developing a thing for toying with them.

"Smart like her, too. She should have been running her own forge, but because she was a woman, the Men of the village we lived in refused to hire her. Apparently they believe their womenfolk to only be good for rearing babies, and looking after their messes."

She scoffed at the very idea of men lording themselves over women like that. If a dwarf male even tried to tell his wife that her only role was to have his children and make him meals, he'd probably wake up with some very crucial parts missing. Dwarf women were not to be trifled with, and had every right as menfolk had to work and own property and make their own choices as to when or if they wanted a family and a home. 

Shifting so that she can fold her arms across Kíli's chest and rest her chin on them, Fíli stares up at her brother, demeanor subdued as she thinks back to her early years. She'd been so painfully young of course. She only remembered bits and pieces of her last year with their mother, especially towards the end when things got hard. 

"Mother gave birth to you in the middle of a hurricane. The rain was lashing hard enough to draw blood, and the wind was tearing trees from their roots. No one was able to come to us, and Mother refused to let me go out into the storm to find help. Instead, she made sure what little food we had, and your milk, was down on the floor where I could reach it, and made me bring as much wood inside the sitting area as possible to keep the fire going. And when the labor pains got to be too much, she still wouldn't let me go. You were coming out the wrong way, and she was having trouble birthing you."

Fíli had never really talked about the day Kíli had been born, not since her childhood. Kíli had never asked, so she'd always assumed Dwalin or someone had told him about it. Apparently, that wasn't the case, and she was saddened she had not told him about it sooner, for both their sakes.

"There was a lot of blood, and if there had been a midwife or a healer then she might have survived. But with only a five year old there to comfort her, she had to know there was no chance for her. And yet she kept pushing and pushing, until you finally slid out into the world and into my arms.. Mother knew she was dying, but still guided me through tying your cord off, and properly wrapping you up in the blankets, and even told me how to warm the goats milk by the fire before feeding you," she whispered, reaching up to tuck Kíli's hair behind his ear, eyes swimming.

"She told me to be good for Thorin, and to stay home until Balin came to check on us. She said she was so proud of me for being so brave, and that it would be my job to look after you, now, and always keep you safe."

Fíli's voice cracked, and she turned her face down to hide it behind her folded arms, fingers curling into fists.

"And then she said that she loved us both so very much, and that she was going to sleep for a little while, and that I should go feed you so she could rest. And so I did. I looked after you for eight days by myself before Balin finally came to check up on us. I ran out of food for me after the second day, but there was plenty of milk for you, and the wood Mother and I brought in kept the house warm. And I'd just as long without a proper meal before, so I didn't mind. So long as you were okay, because I had promised her I would look after you and keep you safe. I _promised._ Mother was so brave and so strong, and now I had to be strong, too, for her and for you."

She rubbed at her eyes and looked up so she could offer her brother a watery smile.

"You were such a tiny little thing in my arms. But I loved you so much, even then. You were my baby brother, and I had to look out for you. My sweet little Kee."

Kíli runs his fingers through his sister's blonde hair as she tells him about when he was born., eyebrows slowly pinching together as she speaks. He'd known that he'd been born amid a storm and no one had been there to save their mother. He hadn't known just how bad things had been for his poor Fee though. 

He'd always been told that her death hadn't been his fault and though he knew there wasn't anything he could have done to save her, it didn't stop him from feeling kind of guilty about it. Now that he knows his sister starved for almost a week because of him while probably trying to wake their mother?

It felt like the weight of his guilt would crush him.

“No one ever told me that,” he chokes out, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. He wants to apologize a thousand times over for putting Fíli through that and for everything he did after that to make her life so much harder than it had to be. He tried to be good for her of course because it was just them and it was _his_ Fíli asking him to behave but even that only goes so far with a naturally curious and adventurous child.

Her life only got harder too, he didn't know when the incident between her and Thorin about the dress happened but he knew he could be a burden. Kíli couldn't imagine what she was going through during that time while also trying to raise him.

The archer can't find the right words to apologize though. “I'm sorry” didn't seem like it would ever be enough but they were the only ones he knew. Instead all he can do is close his brown eyes, trying to hide just how much they've started to well up with tears, and pepper kisses over her forehead, trying to pour his love for her into every one.

“Oh, ûrzuduh,” he murmurs before dragging her up enough that he can kiss her lips, “you're so much stronger than I could ever be.”

As if sensing the dark turn his thoughts were taking, Fíli sighed and pinched her brother's side, nose nudging against his cheek.

"None of that was your fault, my khahith. You were still just an infant. There was nothing you could have possibly done. We all made our choices, and Mother's choice was to give you life, even at the cost of her own, and my choice was to make sure that it wasn't in vain, by giving you priority over my own belly. I knew Balin or Dwalin would be by soon, once the storm had cleared, and it was far more likely that I would last a few days without food than you would. You were Mother's last gift to me, her greatest gift, and I had to keep you safe," she said simply, running her thumb along Kíli's lower lip, hand cupped against his cheek. 

"I didn't tell you this story to make you feel guilty, or sad. I told you because it is part of who we are, and so that you can remember Mother for the brave dwarf she was, even if you never met her. Now we can both share this memory, and its pain, and bear the burden of it. And when we pass into the next world, we can meet her together."

Fíli would always lay the blame for Dís' death at Thorin's feet. But she decided to not mention that to Kíli, sitting up to straddle his waist and offering him a small smile.

"But that won't be for a very, very long time. Right now I want to have sex again, but this time with the dress on and you bending me over the bed and pretending you're educating your misbehaving Princess," she purred, grinning as she cocked her head to the side. Fíli may not have been with another before today, but that did not mean she lacked a very vivid imagination as to the things she would _like_ to do, especially now that she had a clearer idea of how it would work between them.

Kíli blinks a few times at Fíli before his mind catches up with the sudden shift in their conversation. The thought of taking her bent over the bed and in her dress has the guilt suddenly melting off of his shoulders, if only for a while. Besides he did say that he wanted to take care of her tonight and if this what she wanted, well then who was he to complain?

Not that he ever would complain about Fíli suggesting things like that.

“And where did you come up with such an idea?” He grins as he pushes himself up so he can lean back on his hands. He knows he can rule out someone else showing that to her but part of him hopes she thought of it herself. Mahal, he would love to see what else what tumbling around in that blonde head of hers, especially if it was more things like that.

“I thought you said you wanted a bath, sister dear?” He teases, arching an eyebrow up at her. Actually taking a bath is the last thing on his mind right now, unless they can somehow manage to move things into one which might be an idea if they were still in Erebor and they didn't have to wait for someone else to fill a tub for them.

Kíli hums happily as he kisses her chin, saving any kind of ideas for bathing for later.

“Well then, if you want to have sex in your dress you should probably put it back on,” he suggests before giving her one last kiss to lips. Part of his mind doesn't like that Fíli is covering back up again but there's so much more of him that really likes where this going too much to actually care. Besides it's not like this is the last time he'll get to see her naked, they really do need to bathe before they leave and she can't exactly do that in her dress.

Fíli snickered at that and slipped off the bed, grabbing at the pieces of her dress still lying on the floor where she'd left them and pulling it over her head.

"Just because I've never lain with another before doesn't mean I haven't fantasized about things," she points out in a low hum, lacing the corset up once more. She decides not to mention these fantasies usually involved her having a proper body. That would probably put a rather large damper on what they were about to do.

She smoothed her hands over the front of her dress and shivered faintly at how nice it felt, before turning her blue gaze on her brother.

"You asked to speak with me, my Prince?" Fíli asked lightly, giving Kíli a secret smile and raising her eyebrows, inviting him to play along with the game.

“I want to hear about every single one of these things, very slowly and in great amounts of detail some day,” Kíli says quickly as he sits on the edge of the bed to watch Fíli as she finishes getting dressed. His heart is already beating faster at the thoughts of what's to come.

He clears his throat once, fighting the urge to smile because this is really happening, before putting on his serious face. The one he used to pacify Thorin before the King decided that he didn't need to sit in on meetings.

“Yes I did. I have gotten some troubling news that you haven't been acting like the Princess you are.” He pauses for a second to think of something that she could be in trouble for but wouldn't remind her of anything that happened in Erebor.

“I have it on good authority that you've been hanging around and in taverns with _commoners_.”

Fíli can't help the snort of laughter that escapes her at Kíli's attempt to sound like a disciplinarian, shrugging her shoulders at him and giving him a lofty smile.

"Well, sir, in my defense, there are some really great kissers among the common folk. Not to mention they really know how to give it good," she purred, winking at her brother, "Surely it can be forgiven. It just gets so boring fooling around with my guards all the time. They have no imagination, you see."

She nodded emphatically, as if she were truly trying to make this argument to him, folding her arms over her chest. This was actually rather fun, surprisingly. It was nice to pretend that she was in trouble for some silly thing for once, and expecting something enjoyable from the experience, rather than dreading the punishment to come. 

"If you don't want me to hang about with commoners, then bring me someone who can keep me entertained."

Kíli gives a long, dramatic sigh, letting his fall forward and giving it a little shake. It was easier to hide the smile he was fighting this way and he _is_ supposed to be disappointed with her. The fact that she’s also smiling is hardly helping his case. 

“That’s hardly a defense, especially when you admit to even more _scandalous_ affairs with your guards,” He scolds, lifting his head just enough to peek at her through his hair. “It is not something that can be forgiven so easily, you are a Princess and you should be acting as such. Instead you are acting like a common hooligan, you were raised much better than that, young lady.”

The archer gets up and folds his hands behind his back, pretending to pace and think things over for a minute. He’s suddenly very aware that he’s the only one in the room without a scrap of clothing on and he’s also very aware of his sister watching him.

Good, he rather liked the idea of her getting an eyeful.

“Then you come in and demand someone to keep up with you, without so much as an apology. No, I won’t reward your bad behavior like that. You need to learn a lesson and I think the only way for you to do that is if I punish you.” He sits back on the edge of the bed, watching his One carefully. 

Fíli lets her eyes sweep appreciatively over her brother's body as he stalks back and forth across the room, admiring the sinuous flow of muscle in his thighs, ass, and stomach. He truly is gorgeous, with his strong legs, defined abdomen, and the thick pelt of hair that decorated both. His arms were also sporting bulging muscle, courtesy of his constant work with his bow and affinity for climbing trees. How anyone could look at her brother and think him anything but a strong dwarf, simply because he wasn't short and fat and lacked a bushy beard, astounded her. 

Well, neither of them had beards, now, and if that meant they were no longer dwarves then so be it. They'd just be Fíli and Kíli. 

She pauses when Kíli says he'll punish her, though, face pinching unpleasantly.

"Perhaps not that word," she admits finally, sliding forward to straddle her brother's lap again, arms slipping around his broad shoulders and dress pooling around their legs. She could still all too clearly hear Thorin's voice in her head, saying he was going to punish her for her own good while he readied his flogger. Her back burned at the memory, and she offered Kíli a faint smile by way of apology, pressing her forehead to his own.

"Will you teach me to be a good girl, then, my Prince? Will you show me how to behave like a Princess?"

Kíli mentally kicks himself for the look on Fíli's face. He'd been trying to keep memories of Thorin away, he really should have known better than to use that word. He's actually afraid he's killed the mood until she's sliding into his lap, his hands instantly on her hips, thumbs running back and forth over the fabric of his sister's dress.

“Sorry,” he says gently before kissing the tip of her nose. The look on her face is apologetic too but as far as he's concerned, she has nothing to be sorry for. She never asked for anything that Thorin did and really, Kíli should probably think a little more before he opens his mouth. Too bad he's always spoken before he's thought it through, but maybe one day he'll learn his lesson.

The archer makes his best pretend thinking face, getting back to their game, before he gives a quick nod.

“Yes, I think I will have to teach you how to behave like a proper Princess,” he rubs his bare chin thoughtfully. It still feels weird to touch his face and not feel hair but he'd happily keep it like this just for Fíli.

“Hmm, what would be the best way to teach you I wonder,” he hums, watching the blonde in his lap.

She playfully knocks their chins together, finding the courting braid in his hair and running her fingers over the woven strands of hair. It still excited her to think that they would really get to wear one another's braids, after years of fearing the day she'd have to wear the braids of another.

"Perhaps a little... hands on demonstration would do the job," Fíli growled against her brother's ear, rocking her ass down against Kíli's crotch. She could feel his hammer sliding between the cheeks of her ass beneath the dress, through his seed that had leaked out of her, shuddering at the delightfully dirty wrongness of it. She could sit on his lap with it buried inside her and none would ever know with her dress folded all about their legs. 

She pulled the lobe of her One's ear between her teeth and tugged, soothing away the sting with a swipe of her tongue. Fíli may have only just started having sex, but she was certainly enjoying it.

"If my dear Prince can keep me satisfied, then I won't need to seek out fun from the commoners."

Fíli rucks up the folds of her skirts and slides her hand underneath them to locate her brother's hardened length, gripping the base to steady it enough so that she can sink down onto it once more, a shattered sound escaping her as she's filled. The blonde dwarf can feel the slick and come from earlier leaking out of her around his hammer, and the filthiness of it makes her grin against Kíli's neck. Sex was _fantastic._ She regretted waiting so long to be with her One.

"Feel so good inside me, dear Mahal, Kee. Going to find I want you in me all the time," she groaned, clenching her muscles around the hardened flesh and rocking her hips.

This time she wanted it hard. She wanted Kíli to bounce her on his hammer until she fell to pieces, wanted to feel the lingering fullness every time her pony shifted and remember just how good it felt to finally have her brother this way.

"Fuck me. Mahal's beard, Kíli, fuck me like you did those tavern girls, with all my skirts shoved up and my face buried into the bed."

Fíli was breathless with excitement as she begged to be taken like an animal, fingers digging into the meat of his shoulders. She wanted to do every single little thing her One had ever done with another, until there was nothing else but them and what they had together. She wanted to experience all there was to be had at Kíli's hands. Things that no other could ever have again.

Kíli couldn't help the breathless chuckle that escapes him as Fíli clenched around him. What had he unleashed just a little bit ago during their first coupling? Whatever it was he was glad for it as long as it was being used on him alone.

He could definitely get used to this side of his sister.

“Going to find that I have no problems with that, Fee. Or that I can't keep my Princess satisfied and away from filthy commoners,” he growls lightly and nips at the mark on her neck that he'd left earlier. He moans against her skin at her demands, some part of his brain registering that she's going to be really uncomfortable when they get back on their ponies.

The look on her face and the fingers digging into his shoulders say that she hardly cares. 

“Never would have guessed that you had such a mouth on you, ûrzuduh. I'm pretty sure Princesses aren't supposed to speak like that. 'S hardly polite.” He wraps his arms under her ass as he stands up, letting his cock slip out of her before setting her on the edge of the bed.

“If my Princess wants to be fucked into the mattress, she should probably turn over.”

"Princesses can speak however they fucking want," Fíli teased, sprawling on her back despite her injuries and spreading her legs for Kíli to give him quite the view beneath her dress before rolling over, legs dangling off the edge of the bed and balanced on her toes. The folds of her skirts fall down again to cover her up, but she wiggles her ass at him anyways, inviting him to shove them back up around her waist once more.

"I can feel your come leaking out of me. Better get your cock back in there and fill me up before I make a mess all over my pretty dress," she purred, arching her body up towards him. Either way she'd be making a mess of the dress, but dresses could be cleaned. And the layers helped her pretend, just for a moment, that she had the body she wanted. She couldn't see the undeniable proof between her legs that she was Wrong. She couldn't see anything. There was just the silk of the sheets and the smell of sex. 

She had a feeling she'd come to really enjoy this position. Especially the way her.. her _pearl_ was trapped between her pelvis and the bed, grinding and rubbing but not moving. Just there.

"Oh please fuck me. Want all the elves to know that my brother gives it to me good, that he makes me _howl_ for more!"

Kili tries to keep most of his weight off her back on his hands that are on either side of her. She wasn't the only one with a mouth on her though.

“And now you want the elves to hear you? That's not very Princess like either, Fee. You're just lucky that I want you to be loud enough for the whole woodland realm to hear. I want them to hear you and know that they can never ever you like I get to have you,” he says softly as he moves down her body. He shifts so that he's squatting behind her, gathering up the fabric of her dress and slowly dragging it up to gather around her hips. It's not slow in the way he was before, when he wanted to make sure that she was comfortable with their first time. No this time was all about teasing her before he inevitably gave in, because he would always do anything for her.

“Are you going to be loud for me, my Princess? I won't fuck you if you aren't going to be loud,” he moans as he grinds his cock against her bared ass.

"Yessssssss!" she all but _wailed,_ thrusting back against his cock with undisguised need. Fíli shivered with glee as the fabric of her skirts bunched up around her hips, spreading her legs apart so Kíli can see just how much she wants him. 

She makes quite a picture like this, with her hole red and wet from being filled not so long ago, Kíli's come spotting her skin with white and muscles quivering. Her blonde hair is tangled and messy from their coupling, and the folds of the dress shoved up while she's bent over the bed, exposed and helpless to her brother's gaze and touch. She enjoys the thrill of being dominated by Kíli like this. She enjoys the ability to just let go, and allow someone else to take the reins.

Here she is not Fíli, heir of Erebor, or Fíli, Crown Prince. She is just Fíli. Kíli's Fíli. His sister. His One. She didn't have to control the situation, and she didn't have to lead, or make decisions, or command.

She could just feel.

"Oh Mahal, please, my One! Shove your hammer inside me and split me open again, fill me up with your seed and mark me, paint my insides with your come until it leaks out of me," she babbles, fingernails dragging over the silk sheets in an attempt to find purchase, feet sliding even wider apart to spread herself open further. 

Kíli could get very accustomed to seeing his beloved sister like this, dress optional of course but the babbling and begging should definitely happen more often. Knowing that she has never been this way for anyone else is a heady thing and makes him wish that he'd been more picky about the things he offered to people before. The one nighters never got anything special of course but there were a few that lasted for a week, but never longer than two, when he thought maybe if he tried hard enough he wouldn't want Fíli anymore.

It didn't matter now, none of that did because Fíli was here with him and he loved her more than he'd ever be able to say.

He grabs one of her hips, both trying to keep her still and helping the dress stay rucked up, while his other hand guides his cock back into her. He groans at the feeling of his One around him, tight and hot. There's also the slickness from the copious amount of oil he'd used before mixing with his own come.

He lets both hands rest on her hips as he leans over her, kissing just behind her ear.

“Anything for you, my beloved sannamad,” he grins before giving a quick snap of his hips. He stands up fully, enjoying the view, before plunging back in. 

Fíli's never quite felt anything so good as the sensation of Kíli thrusting inside her, especially in this position, which causes his cock to scrape by her pleasure spot each time he shoves forward. The harsh pace he sets drives her own hips into the bed and gives her pearl the friction it wants so bad, and she whimpers her delight into the sheets.

She's so wrapped up in the feeling of her brother fucking into her she doesn't even hear the door open, or the sharp intake of breath from behind them.

"Oh. I. My apologies, I was informed you had finished and would be in need of clean clothes and a bath," came a familiar voice, and Fíli jerks forward as if burned by Kíli's touch, turning her head to stare at none other than Prince Legolas himself standing in their doorway. Two more elves hover behind him holding pails of steaming water, their eyes wide as they gawk at the scene before them.

If Fíli was capable of dissolving, she'd be gone by now. 

Kíli is quick to grab Fíli's dress and pull the bunched up fabric from her hips, letting it fall to the floor. He turns on his heel to face the elves, in all his naked glory, and crosses his arms over his chest. He should be a little embarrassed he knows but he'd seen just how badly his sister had wanted to hide and decided to give the elves something else to focus on.

He can be embarrassed later after he makes sure that she was okay. If anything Prince Legolas' face is completely worth Kíli standing naked in front of them. The Prince looks like he's had a very unwanted image burned into his brain and the dwarf can't help but want to laugh.

“Thank you, clean clothes and a bath sound great actually,” he says simply. He leaves out the fact that they could have _knocked_ , if only because then he'd be a hypocrite since he never knocks on doors either. In fact, not knocking on a door had led to Fíli and Kíli being here.

“Just give me a minute to get some pants on at least, then we'd appreciate a tub being filled for us,” the archer asks and the elves are quickly ducking back out into the hall, closing the door behind them.

“You okay, ûrzuduh? I think the Elven Prince just learned the importance of knocking before he goes into someone's room,” he tries to smile as he lays on his side next to Fíli, running gentle fingers through her hair.

Fíli is mumbling incoherently into the bed spread after the elves finally, _finally_ exit the room and leave them to their privacy. When Kíli touches her hair, she grumbles and looks up at him with pinched eyebrows, looking somewhere between a grin and a frown.

"I think so. Just about embarrassed enough to catch flame, though," she admitted, pulling herself up onto the bed and rubbing her palm over her face.

It had to be the Prince, of course. Not anyone else in the whole of middle earth, but Prince Legolas of the Mirkwood.

"I don't think I'll be able to look an elf in the eye for at least a decade, my khahith," Fíli sighed, offering her brother a faint, awkward smile. They definitely weren't about to carry on with what they'd just been doing, so instead she focuses on smoothing down her hair and dress, attempting to make herself somewhat more presentable than she'd been a moment ago. 

"I suppose we could drown ourselves in the bath."

“To be fair, they probably won't be able to look at us either, but we won't be here much longer anyway,” Kíli says gently. The only way this could have been worse is if it had been the King himself to see them or maybe even Tauriel. Why the Prince had felt the need to deliver their bath and clean clothes, though, was beyond him. His father must have asked him to do it.

“Besides we've only mortified the Mirkwood elves, we still have the ones in Rivendell and of course the hobbits to completely shock with our barbaric dwarfish ways,” he jokes. He didn't exactly what the hobbits would say but Bilbo had told them enough that it sounded like they'd be scandalized just from seeing them hold hands. 

Not that he was ever hoping to repeat what just happened with anyone else. Except for the part where Fíli was bent over the bed, he hoped they could try that again.

“I don't think that bath water will be deep enough to drown in, we'll have to wait until we can find a river near Beorn's,” Kíli sits up and kisses his sister's cheek before he grabs his pants and pulls them back on, not even bothering to smooth down his wild hair or even grab a shirt. He only ties them enough to keep them on his hips before he gives an apologetic look to his sister and invites the elves back inside. They're quick to set out the clean clothes and scurry about getting the bath while the archer goes back to sit next to his sister and intertwine their fingers. 

“I am very sorry for our uh... interruption. Be assured it won't happen again,” the Elven Prince says while very obviously trying not to look at either of them. Kíli doesn't know if it's the light or wishful thinking but he's pretty sure Legolas is blushing.

Fíli can't help but snort with laughter when the elves all but run back out the door, leaving them alone a third time that day. She'd never quite seen an elf express so much emotion before, and she's certainly never seen one embarrassed like Legolas was. 

She shakes her head and stands so she can start to remove the layers of her dress, nimble fingers working open the laces of her corset.

"Barbaric dwarfish ways indeed," she chuckles, arching an eyebrow at her brother. He could at least pretend to be contrite, but no he seemed actually quite smugly amused about the whole thing. 

Any other thoughts about elves and embarrassment are gone the second she steps into the bath, though, and she groans low in her throat at the silky heat of the water as she sinks in to her shoulders, eyes closed with bliss. Scented oils give the steam the soft fragrance of flowers, and soothe the sore gashes on her back. 

Once the water has softened the bandages enough to be removed without pulling on the injuries, she leans forward so Kíli can remove them, arms folded unconsciously over her chest and knees crossed. She may have become minutely more comfortable with her body since confessing to her brother, but the sight of it still made her upset and she wanted nothing to do with the Wrongness that plagued it. 

Kíli simply shrugged at her with a huge grin on his face. He is quite smug about it now that he's seen, or at thinks he seen, Legolas blushing. That in itself was completely worth being interrupted, well almost.

 

He slips into the water with her, having stopped to watch her face as she sinks down. He doesn't think he's seen her look so relaxed and he knows that he has to do whatever it takes to see that look more often. They probably wouldn't be able to really breathe easy until they got to the Shire but that didn't mean that they couldn't have moments like this while they were on the road.

When Fíli leans forward, he moves behind her to start working at the bandages. It breaks his heart a little to see her curl up like she does but he doesn't say anything. It would hardly be fair to assume that she would suddenly be okay with her body after just one night and a few tumbles in their bed. A tumble and a half? Whatever. There were still a lot of things to work through and he would help however he could no matter how long it took.

“We should stay one more night and get another good long bath in, it's going to be a while before we get another hot one,” he says idly as he removes the first bandage and lets it plop to the ground outside the bath. He doesn't flinch when he sees the marks but he does feel rage starting to boil in his gut, so much of his being screaming to go back and beat the dwarf that hurt his One. 

Too bad that dwarf was the King and he was going to be out for their heads in a few days time.

Kíli pushes any and all thoughts of Thorin out of his mind and kisses the patch of skin just above the highest of his sister's wounds before setting to work on the others.

Fíli nods in silent agreement, running her fingers through the warm bath water as it washes away the dirt and sweat of their travels so far, leaving her skin feeling softer and smoother.

"We'll take tomorrow to gather supplies and arrange for Tauriel and her guard to show us to the edge of the Mirkwood, and leave with the sunrise. If we ride steady we should be able to make it to Beorn's before sunset on the second day," she murmured, scooping up a bowl of water and dribbling it over her head to soak her hair. It'd been a very long time since she had the chance to take a bath at her own pace. It had always been rushed washes after training with Balin. 

A smile spreads across her face and she leans back against Kíli's chest, pleased at the way the oils made the water murky enough that she couldn't see herself too well beneath the surface.

"When we get to the Shire we'll be able to take nice baths like this as much as we want," she laughed softly, shaking her head. When she'd been a child she'd loathed baths, because it was the duty of children to be dirty as often as possible. As she'd grown up, it'd been because of her distaste for the sight of her body. Dwarves as a rule had no qualms with being dirty and sweaty, but Fíli didn't think she'd particularly mind being clean more often. There was something rather nice about not smelling like the rear end of a pony that she could get used to. 

Well, that and she'd get to be close to Kíli. Anything that meant being close to Kíli was enough for her.

She turns her head to look up at his face over her shoulder, toying absently with his callused fingers between her own.

"Should we take the same mountain pass, brother, or seek an alternate route? If we had the time to lose, I'd say we should go around the mountains. But we don't have months to make that journey, and if our plan is to send any followers astray south to Rohan or Gondor, then we really have no choice but to go through them. It should be easier, with only two of us, and so long as we avoid the caves in the mountain we shouldn't come across any goblins again. And it would be the quickest way to Rivendell, before we make the long trek to the Shire," she thought aloud, trying to map out a strategy in her mind. There was no doubt that they had to take the mountain roads, but her worry was the ponies. If they came across any stone giants again the ponies would panic and likely throw themselves off the side of the mountain, with all their supplies. But it was much too far from Beorn's to walk, and they didn't have any eagles to help them this time.

They would have to discuss their options with the skinchanger, she supposed. Perhaps he would have suggestions, being that he was much more familiar with the territory between the Mirkwood and the Misty Mountains than they were.

Kíli tucks his face into the crook of her neck, wanting very much to take long baths like this every day if they can once they get to the Shire. He usually doesn't mind smelling like earth and woods but there's something wholly satisfying about sitting in a hot tub of water with his One leaning back against him.

“Beorn might know a better path. If I remember right some of that path was part of a stone giant's legs and I'm not sure that it's still there,” he mumbles into her skin. He doesn't even want to think about when they went through the pass the first time, let alone entertain the idea of doing it again. He'd almost lost his sister twice in such a short amount of time along that path and he would really rather not tempt fate a third time. Beorn had to know another way through the mountains since they wouldn't be able to go around them.

“I'd rather not relive what happened there again. Staying out of caves should be easy enough but we can't control or even predict what stone giants will do,” he sighs.

“Maybe we'll get really lucky and Gandalf can ask the Eagles fly us over them,” he smiles. He didn't really like the idea of flying either but it would be faster and safer than going on ponies.

Of course he didn't expect for that to really happen but it was a nice thought.

Kíli kisses her neck and some of the wet hair that clings to it, wanting nothing more than to just be able to skip ahead a few months so that they can be in the Shire and safely away from the crazed King already. 

Fíli actually laughs at that, and reaches back so she can cuff his head playfully, turning on his lap so she can face him and steal a kiss. It takes a second to fold her legs so she can sit there comfortably, but soon she's settled on his thighs, a sleepy smile on her face and her arms around his shoulders.

"I wouldn't put all your eggs in that basket, my khahith. You know how Gandalf is. I doubt he's even aware of what's been going on at Erebor. He never forgave Uncle for the cruelties he did to Bilbo, or for his foolishness in going to war. He's refused to come back to the Lonely Mountain until Thorin saw sense. And since I doubt our King is going to see sense anytime soon, I don't think we can expect any help from the wandering wizard," she pointed out, arching an eyebrow at him before leaning in to nip at his nose.

Just one quiet, lazy night together with Kíli. If she could just have this one night then she could take every single abuse they would face along the way. Every hardship and pang of hunger and cold night would be bearable, so long as she could have this one, single night with her beloved brother.

She slipped a hand beneath the water and curled it around Kíli's hammer, stroking him slow and teasing until he starts to harden, a wicked little smile on her face. They make love once more in the bath, this time mercifully uninterrupted, and Fíli falls asleep curled around her One, face tucked against the back of his neck. Their rest is peaceful and undisturbed by nightmares, and when she woke the next morning it was to the sounds of the forest and the warm bulk of Kíli's body in her arms.


	8. Another Taste of Heavenly Rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli is lost and Fíli remembers why it is she fights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so sorry for the delay between the last chapter and this, so have a really long one by way of apology.
> 
> Warning for self harm, some dysphoria and mentions of gore and violence.
> 
> Also angst and miscommunication abound.
> 
> Chapter title from ["Breath of Life" by Florence and the Machines.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0EVEXX9kpk)

At the first sound of a bird chirping just a little too close to their room, Kíli tries to bury himself under the blankets. He’s not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination; he’s Fíli’s khahith and wolves are creatures of the night. He refuses to be roused from his sleep by damn birds.

He tries to burrow back into the warmth under the covers when his sleep addled mind realizes there’s a very warm, very lovely, and very familiar body in the bed with him. He happily moves enough that he can nuzzle against his sister’s neck, wrapping long limbs around her and keeping her close. He wants to crack one brown eye open to make sure that this isn’t a dream but if it is a dream he doesn’t want to ruin it. How many times has he prayed to Mahal for a morning like this? 

“Sleep,” he mumbles when he feels her stirring. Well he hopes that’s what he says, his mind may not be quite awake enough to make his mouth produce proper words. It might have come out more like a long grunt. He has full confidence that Fíli knows what he’s getting at. 

Kíli knows that if they want to get some breakfast in before maybe sparring with the elves and get all of their supplies collected they should probably get up. He also knows that he’s wanted a morning like this for far too long and he’s pretty sure the Maker Himself could come tell Kíli to get out of bed and he probably wouldn’t.

When Fíli wakes it's to the smell of her brother's breath on her face, and she wrinkles her nose in protest, ducking her head so she can tuck it under Kíli's chin and escape the stench. That done, she's now conscious enough to realize that she's in bed with her brother.

With Kíli.

She's sharing a bed with Kíli and there's no one around to catch them and punish them.

The blonde dwarf muffles her delighted sounds against her brother's bare chest, fingers curling around a handful of the soft, purple silken sleep dress she had been given to wear. At first it'd been awkward trying to get used to the touch of the sheets against her bare legs, used to wearing sleep trousers to bed. But she found she actually rather liked it, and the way it rode up and bunched around her hips. Made it rather convenient for certain... activities.

Fíli planted her palms on Kíli's shoulders and pushed him down into the pillows, sliding on top of him so she can straddle his hips, her dress barely covering her lap and baring her thighs tantalizingly.

"Time to wake up, my One. We have a busy day ahead of us, and if we're going to have sex again before breakfast you have to get up now," she purred, leaning down so she can drag her tongue across his nipple. The elves had given him a sleep tunic to wear with the soft cotton breeches, but he'd decided to forgo it. Fíli couldn't really say she much minded. It was rather soothing to run her fingers through the coarse hairs on his chest until she fell asleep. 

"Still want you to take me on my hands and knees. We never got to do it yesterday."

Kíli had more than likely woken a sleeping dragon in exposing her to sex. But she'd spent much of her life hating and fearing her body, and the things it did without her permission. Now that she had someone she could be who knew about her Wrongness and still desired her, and would do and say the things she needed to not spiral into shame and self loathing, though, she found she couldn't get enough of it. Especially the part where it was her One, her beloved little brother, giving her the things she needed, had denied herself for too many years.

"Please, Kee. I'm so empty right now. I want you in me."

Kíli is suddenly more awake than he's ever been this early in the morning. He hisses and arches towards her, hands trailing up her thighs and coming to rest on her hips.

“Well that's something that we can fix pretty easily,” he says before he sits up and kisses underneath her chin and down her neck. He nips his way across her shoulder, kissing each spot after like an apology, while he grabs the oil and slicks up his fingers. He studies the bottle, deciding that there's enough in there for one more time, and makes a mental note to find more today so they have some for the road.

He reaches up with his clean hand to run his fingers through Fíli's blonde hair, pressing a quick kiss to her lips, very aware of his morning breath. 

“Should we leave the dress on again, Fee? I think we should leave the dress on again,” he suggests as he nuzzles into her neck. He loved the red one she had on yesterday but it seemed that purple was also a really good color on her. The sleep dress was also short, much shorter than the red one, which he also liked, loving the way the silk covered her.

“You might be a little sore this morning, tell me if it's too much,” he says seriously. He slips his oiled fingers under her dress and teases a finger over her entrance.

“Now would sit like this while I get you ready? Or be on your hands and knees?”

Fíli hisses faintly at the cool oil against her sensitive hole but presses herself down against the digit regardless, enjoying the pleasant way her hips and ass ached. She'd definitely be sore after this, if she wasn't already, but she didn't particularly mind. It was a good soreness, after all.

"Just like this," she breathes against his neck, wrapping her arms around his shoulders to keep him close against her body. It was still a struggle to believe this wasn't all just some cruel dream, and that she wasn't about to wake up alone in her bed again. Holding her brother like this made it that little bit more real to her.

She closed her eyes and allowed herself to just feel for a moment, sliding her fingers through the sleep tangled mess of her One's hair. There was no saying when they would get the chance to do this again on their journey and she wanted to commit every single thing to memory to get her through these long days. 

"I love you, my khahith. I love you so very much it makes my heart ache with the intensity of it. You're the one spot of light in the darkness that has been my life thus far, and I would never have made it here without you by my side, reminding me why it is I fight," Fíli whispered, chasing each word with soft kisses to the sibling braids in Kíli's hair, ridiculously pleased that they were messy and loose because it meant she could braid them back in again before breakfast.

"Please, sannadad. Fill me up."

"I love you too, ûrzuduh. More than I can ever say and I'll be by your side for as long as you wish me there,” Kíli responds, wrapping his arm around Fíli's hips and pulling her as close as possible. He's never really been eloquent, and it's even worse this early in the morning, but he wishes he could express just how much she means to him. There's never going to be just one thing that he can ever do to prove that to her but he supposes that he can spend the rest of their lives trying to show her.

He buries his face into her neck and lets the smell and feel of her flood his senses. He was never going to get tired of having his One so close to him and would probably never stop thinking that all of this was a dream.

The archer slowly pushes the first finger inside her, groaning when her body clenches around the digit. He realizes, maybe a little too late, that he can't exactly reach her pleasure spot with his fingers this way and silently curses himself. He moves the first finger in and out of his sister a few times before slowly adding a second alongside it. 

Suddenly he's thinking about how she got him to wake up and realizes there are places he doesn't know if she likes touched or not.

“I loved having your tongue run across my nipple like that, sannamad. Think you would like that too?” Kíli unwraps his arm from around her hips and moves so he can run his thumb over the clothed bud.

Fíli opens her mouth to say she doesn't know when Kíli's thumb is swiping across her nipple, pulling a surprised grunt of pleasure from her at the spark of heat it causes. She's never really cared to touch her chest or nipples, unhappy with the shape, or rather the lack there of even the modest breasts that dwarven women had. But the pressure and the faint rub of the silk over the bud feels actually kind of good, and she presses her chest forward against Kíli's hand. The damp silk would probably rub so very nice against the sensitive skin...

"Probably," she admits in a breathless little gasp, hips rolling down against the fingers opening her up to try and get them deeper to find that spot inside her that sent her to the stars. Impatient with the slow pace, Fíli tightens her body around the digits, hoping that a reminder of how good it feels to be buried in her core will make Kíli speed things up a bit.

“ _Patience_ , ûrzuduh,” Kíli chuckles a little breathlessly at her antics, “I’ll be filling you up soon enough.” He nips at her collar bone, taking the hint though and moving his fingers a little faster. He let his thumb continue to move over the silk covering her nipple, circling around it and even gently scraping his nail over it. He loves the way it hardens under his attentions and the way his sister writhes in his lap.

The archer slows the fingers that are buried in Fíli’s core and pulls them out before he slowly adds a third finger to the mix. All the while he uses his thumb to help pull the silk of her dress out of the way enough that he can place a kiss to the bud before running his tongue over it just once, watching her face and feeling her body react.

“Well, my Princess, if you want me to take you on your hands and knees, I think you’re going to have to change your position a little bit,” he says a little cheekily, continuing to work his fingers in and out of his sister. 

Fíli never knew her nipples could be quite so sensitive, especially when Kíli slides the silk of her dress down to the crooks of her elbows and starts to torment them with teeth and tongue alternating swipes across her nipple with the thrust of his fingers into her core. 

She's just about ready to cuff him upside the head when he teases her, pinching his side for good measure before lifting herself off his fingers. 

"My dear Prince, just you wait until I figure out how to find that spot inside me on my own. Then I won't need your contributions anymore," she teased right back, nipping the end of his nose and slowly sliding herself down across the bed.

She settles down so that her arms are folded in front of her, balancing her weight on her forearms, and props herself up on her knees, back sloping up towards Kíli's prize. She felt rather exposed like this, especially when the night dress began to slide up towards her shoulders from the angle, turning her head to stare back at her brother over her shoulder.

"In. Or I'll hold you down and do it myself, you big tease," she snorts.

“I'll remember you said that, my Princess, when you find that you want more than just your own fingers,” he gives her a cocky smile before moving behind her and kissing the base of her spine. He'd love to see and hear that too. His sister begging for him because she can't get what she needs from her fingers. Oh yes, he was going to enjoy that very much and then enjoy bringing this very moment back up.

He grabs the bottle of oil and slicks his cock before putting it back before he lines himself with her hole.

“You're one to talk about teasing. You shouldn't say things like that, someone might take you seriously,” he growls as he slowly starts to breach her, hands wrapped around her hips and pulling her towards him as he pushes in. He likes that idea very much too. Thank Mahal they have the rest of their lives to explore all these things. Though a lot of is going to have to wait while they're on the road.

Fíli groaned as she was slowly breeches, digging her fingernails into a pillow to keep from doing just as she'd threatened. As much as she had enjoyed riding her brother, she wanted to feel what it'd be like to have him lose control on her.

"Who said.. anything about just my own fingers?" she managed to gasp, shivering as Kíli bottomed out inside her, hips flush against her ass. She'd seen plenty of designs for various... tools she could use to take care of herself quite effectively. Stealing that book from Erebor's great library had been the best idea she ever had.

She grinned wickedly at the other dwarf and tightened her body around his cock, rocking slightly to milk at the thickness inside her. 

"Want you in my mouth someday, my khahith. Wanna taste you, and feel you down my throat," the former Prince all but purred, now clearly intent on driving her brother wild.

Kíli knows exactly what his sister is up to but that doesn't mean that it isn't working. Especially now when he really wants to see her using a toy on herself, and wants to be down her throat as well. He'd offer to give her a demonstration but with her not wanting her pearl touched he keeps his mouth shut about it.

He'll just have to make sure to give her good instructions.

“What do you know about such things, ûrzuduh? Those are all good and fun but eventually you'll miss having me here,” he growls and accentuates his point with a sharp thrust. He notices that his fingers are starting to dig into her hips and loosens them. As much as he loves leaving marks, he doesn't want to add more hurts to her already sore body.

“We'll see how smug you are then, love.” He gives another sharp thrust of his hips, seeing it all in his mind. Her wanting him, begging for something besides a cold toy but he wouldn't give in. Not right away at least, not when he had a point to prove. He would give in eventually though like he would always give in to his One. 

Fíli cries out at the pleasure shooting up her spine from Kíli's hard thrusts against the spot inside her, biting at the pillows in an attempt to muffle herself. Last thing they needed was for elves to come bursting in, and she was pretty sure she'd just burn the forest down if they were interrupted again.

"Read.. in a book," she sighed, rocking herself back onto the younger dwarf's hammer, inviting him to fuck her harder. She wanted to feel that ache all day long and enjoy one last hurrah with her One before they wouldn't have the chance on their journey to the Shire.

She'd even remembered to pack this particular tome. It'd been quite instructive for her active fantasies so she could only imagine the uses it could be put to now that she could actually do the things detailed. The blonde could remember in particular an entire chapter just on the various positions they could try, and wouldn't that be a fun way to break in their new bed at Bag End? 

Kíli's eyebrows shoot up for a moment at the thought of Fíli reading a book about sex. When she had admitted to never laying with another he had just assumed that she had no knowledge at all. But no she had gone and found a book about it, which made him wonder if Ori knew about the book. Well if the young dwarf did then it must still be back in Erebor, Ori was pretty strict about the books in the library.

Too bad, he would have liked to see it.

He slammed his hips into his sister as she rocked back, loving the way the force bounced her forward just a bit. The archer takes her invitation and starts to fuck her in earnest, keeping his hips angled enough to hit that spot inside of her. 

“Your toys will never be able to fuck you like I can,” he pants, pulling her hips back to meet his as he thrusts in. Maybe he shouldn't have said that and let her figure it out for herself. 

Fíli made a choked groaning noise at how good it felt to finally have Kíli let loose on her, the heavy length of him disappearing into her core again and again. His cock was certainly nothing to turn your nose up at, long and thick as it was, certainly bigger than her... pearl. It wasn't surprising that he was so popular at the taverns. She'd have to practice before she could fit it all in her mouth, but, she certainly wasn't about to complain about the prospect of lots of sex. Sex, as she was discovering, was pretty great.

"Oh.. Oh Mahal, Kee, feel so good in me..! Splitting me open on your fat hammer," she gasped, and very, very slowly reached between her legs to brush her fingertips over the sheathed head of the thing she'd asked Kíli to call her pearl, the term that she knew women used for their own pleasure spot. 

_'Some women have larger pearls than others, while some have very small pearls. Others have more flesh, while some are smoother and tucked away. Every female is different so do not be alarmed if you notice you look different from a close friend or sibling, or if your partner looks different from a previous one,'_ Fíli told herself fiercely, quoting a passage from the book she had that she'd read over obsessively. It wasn't wrong. It was just Different. The book said it was normal to be Different. Different was okay. Different wasn't Wrong.

Even so, she only managed a few moments of touching before she yanked her arm back up to rest on the bed with the other, burying her face in them to try to steady herself again. The even thrusting of Kíli inside her helped, and she allowed herself to sink into the rhythm of it, eyes closing over.

It was more than she had done in months. She'd consider it progress, even if it was brief. Maybe someday she'd come to accept this body on her own. For now, there was Kíli.

"Need to come, my khahith, wanna come so bad!"

Kíli doesn't miss his sister's hand migrate south, his own fingers itching to reach down and join hers, and he doesn't miss when it goes back up to her head either. He wants to touch her pearl but not until she's okay with him doing that. There would always be plenty of other things they could do without her having to be touched there and he would be more than content with those. Especially if they did any of the things that she had running through his mind right now.

He leans forward enough that he can slide the one hand up from Fíli's hips to her chest, rolling and pinching one nipple between his fingers.

“Then come for me, ûrzuduh, let me hear you,” he groans, kissing the skin above some of the bandaging. 

“Wanna feel you coming around me so I can come too. Mahal, you feel amazing.” The hand on her hip grips tighter, wanting to go harder, deeper. Even though this is only the third time they've been together, not counting when they were interrupted, he thinks that he won't ever get used to just how amazing it is to be inside of her.

When Kíli's fingers are rubbing at her nipple, Fíli doesn't need much more persuading to tip over the edge, screaming herself hoarse into the blankets. Her hips buck of their own accord as she comes, striping white across the bedspread and smearing over her stomach, as well, body clenching tight around her brother's cock inside her.

"Kee.. Fucking.. Kee, come for me, I want to feel you filling me up with your seed," she gasps, shivering as the brown haired dwarf continues to fuck into her, stimulating nerves that are oversensitive in the wake of her climax. She doesn't mind the feeling, though. It's actually quite enjoyable, on the knife edge of pleasure and pain and so very, very good.

But then, inexplicably, she changes her mind and scrambles out of Kíli's grasp so that he slips out from inside her, turning around to face him.

"You came in me yesterday. Today I want to taste you," she whispers by way of explanation, before she's wrapping her palm around Kíli's cock and stroking downward to pull back the sheath and expose the head, wet from the oil and purple red with blood and the need to come. The swords master leans in so she can take him in her mouth, unsure of whether she liked the salty bitter taste of him on her tongue. She'd been right in her assumption that all of him wouldn't fit, though, and she's only able to manage shallow bobs of her head without gagging on his cock. 

Kíli didn't seem to mind, though. If anything he grew even harder under her touch. 

She hummed softly around the engorged length as she tongued at the underside of the head, hoping that what she was doing was good enough that her brother could come. Fíli had never exactly done this before, nor had anyone done it for her, so, she was more or less guessing at what might feel nice. Even the bitter taste of his precome wasn't so bad now she'd gotten used to it, tongue swiping across the sensitive slit at the top, and it helped her own nerves were still buzzing with the pleasant orgasm she'd just enjoyed.

“Mahal, Fíli!” Kíli gasps, watching his sister's head bob. He has to fight the urge to thrust into her mouth, as he knows this is the first time she's done this, not wanting to choke her but at the same time her mouth feels so good around him. He runs light fingers through her hair, pushing it off to one side so he can see her and to have something to do with his hands.

“Fee,” he whimpers as her tongue runs across the slit again. He had been so close to coming when she had pulled away from him and with the way she's using her tongue now he's trying to keep his release at bay. It also isn't helping his case any that it's been so long since he's let anyone do this and now knowing that it's his beloved One, it's almost too much.

“Fee... Fee you gotta stop or I'm,” he pants and screws his eyes shut. He thinks that closing his eyes and not watching just how beautiful she looks will help but all he can see in his mind is her swallowing his seed.

“I don't think you want me to... To... in your mouth,” he whimpers.

Fíli drew back enough to give him a perplexed look, nose wrinkling at her brother's obvious dismay. 

"Of course I do, dummy. That's why I put it in my mouth in the first place," she informed him, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, before closing her lips around the head of his cock and sucking hard enough to hollow her cheeks. 

What she lacked in skill she more than made up for with sheer enthusiasm, lapping at the underside without a care for the saliva sliding down her chin. The blond dwarf slid her hand down from stroking his cock to roll his stones between her fingers, massaging and tugging on them to try to draw his orgasm out this way. Fíli was intent on making Kíli come if it was the last thing she did, and it was going to be in her mouth or not at all. 

“Fuck,” Kíli swears when Fíli hollows her cheeks, “like that. Mahal just like that, sannamad.” He opens his eyes and what he sees will forever be burned in his mind. His beautiful sister between his legs, with her lips on his cock, saliva running down her chin and he's the only one that's ever gotten to or is going to see her like this. 

That combined with her fingers working his stones has his orgasm barreling into him.

“Fíli I'm-,” is all he gets to out before he's coming hard, cursing as he does. He lets his head fall back, despite wanting to watch his sister, and his hands go to the bedspread beneath him, grabbing so hard he feels like they should be ripping. 

The archer's thighs are shaking in the wake of his release as he draws Fíli up for a kiss. He doesn't care for any kind of mess and actually enjoys the taste of himself on her.

“I love you.”

There's certainly plenty of mess when she's suddenly pulled up for a kiss, still trying to lick at the white that's splattered over her mouth and chin. She'd been wholly unprepared for Kíli's orgasm, despite her insistence, and managed to swallow the first spurt before she's shocked at the sharp bitter tang of it and backs off, only to get the stuff across her face. 

She barely has a chance to smear her fingers through it so she can suck her brother's essence off them before the kiss, and she's pretty sure she looks a right mess with a mix of come and saliva smeared everywhere, hair sticking up and night dress awkwardly rucked up around her belly button.

"I take it you liked it, then?" she teased, running a finger through a streak of white on her cheek and popping the digit in her mouth, noisily cleaning it off more for Kíli's benefit than her own. 

It would appear her little brother had a bit of a thing for her mouth. This was definitely something she could use later on.

“Yes,” Kíli sighs, completely memorized by Fíli cleaning his come from her finger. He never thought that her first time doing that she'd be so enthusiastic or let him come in her mouth or try to clean herself like she is now. Maybe because he hadn't been. He'd been wary and nearly turned off from doing it again by the taste of the seed.

He kisses her again before using his tongue to lick the rest from her cheek.

“You're alright with it too right? The first time can be a little... Gross I guess.” He bites the corner of his lip as he runs fingers through Fíli's golden mane, trying to get it back into some semblance of order for her. Thankfully her hair has always been a little easier to tame than his has, he knows his is a mess right now too but then it's always like that.

“Now dear sister, what else did you read in this book of yours?” The archer asks, giving his sister a mischievous grin. He wanted to know everything the book talked about and every fantasy she might have gotten from it.

Fíli shrugged and scrubbed the rest of her face clean with the edge of their hopelessly tangled blankets, lips smacking slightly at the salty taste in her mouth.

"I mean it isn't the worst thing I've ever tasted. And I really wanted to try it for you," she said finally, smoothing her night dress back down to her knees before spreading back out on the bed again, avoiding the wet spot she'd made, and sighing comfortably. They'd have to get up, wash, and dress for breakfast soon, but, right now she's more than happy to just enjoy the chance to _relax_.

She's smirking, though, when Kíli mentions other things she read in the book, humming thoughtfully as if she planned to answer him, only to start laughing and roll over onto her belly, knees bent so her feet are in the air.

"It's a secret. You'll have to properly bribe me if you want to know."

Kíli raised an eyebrow as he watched her roll over, considering his options.

“ _Properly_ bribe you? I don't think we have time for me to _properly_ bribe you before breakfast,” he pretends to pout a little as he flops down on his side next to his sister. He leans over enough that he can rest his chin on her shoulder and give her his best sad puppy dog eyes.

“And you wanted to spar with Tauriel today and we also need to find things for our trip. Then we'll probably have to retire early so we can leave early tomorrow morning. I won't have _time_ to properly bribe my Princess,” he reasons and even sticks out his bottom lip a little.

“You should take pity on me and tell me since I won't get time to bribe you before we get to Beorn's.” Kíli pleads a little.

Fíli rolls her eyes in amusement at her brother's begging, tapping her finger against her chin as she ponders which of her many fantasies to tell him about. When a thought strikes her a wicked grin begins to spread across her face, and she turns to look at Kíli with an eyebrow quirked high towards her hairline.

"I always wondered what it'd feel like to have someone's mouth on me. Not.. Not on my pearl, but, on my hole. Licking me open and making me wet.. Or maybe cleaning me out after you've filled me with your seed," she purred, wiggling her ass slightly to make her point even more clear.

She winked at Kíli and nimbly rolled off the bed onto her feet, stretching her arms over her head and sighing at the pleasant crack of stiff joints.

"Buuut since you said we don't have time for anything like that, we'll just have to wait until Beorn's, or maybe Rivendell," she added, making her way to the washbasin so she can begin washing the worst of the sweat and come from her skin. 

Kíli doesn't waste any time launching himself off the bed and wrapping his arms around his sister's stomach, latching onto her, while being mindful of her back, and refusing to let her get any closer to the washbasin.

“Well _I_ was just trying to be polite but since _you_ don't seem to mind, maybe we do have some time yet before we absolutely have to get ready for breakfast,” he says quickly as he sucks little marks along her shoulder and throat.

“I should warn you though that it feels incredible and you might bring out hosts running with the noises you'll make,” he hums against her throat, “I bet Bilbo will be able to hear you all the way in the Shire.”

“Maybe we should wait then since we don't want to traumatize the elves here anymore than we already have. Besides you're already wet and open from me fucking you and I finished in your mouth so there's nothing really to clean. Guess you should have thought of that before,” he teases and nips her ear.

Fíli stifles a snort at Kíli's sudden enthusiasm, sliding her arms over her brother's to rest there, leaning against his chest uncaring of her injuries. She was much too happy right now to care about the wounds Thorin caused her. They were away from him now and she refused to let what he did dictate her actions.

"Mmm, suppose so. I guess we'll just have to wait until Beorn's then," she hummed, reaching back to splat the washcloth against Kíli's face, taking her chance to escape when his arms go slack with surprise. Her face is lit up with a smile when he emerges from behind the white cloth, looking ready to leap over the bed if that's what it took to continue this game of keep away.

"Gotta get dressed for breakfast, little brother! Better pick out something nice!"

Kíli does snort but doesn't move to go after her. He wants to bend her back over the bed and make her scream with just his tongue but at the same time, he likes her like this. Smiling. Happy. Not weighed down by the expectations of their King.

Besides he may be quick but he doesn't think he's fast enough to get her pinned to the bed.

“I'm not going to wear anything nice if we're just going to spar afterwards, 'namad. So I only have to put my tunic and trousers back on. That'll take a minute tops so _I_ have plenty of time where as you will have all those ties and things to do. You better get started now or we'll be late,” he says with a defiant tilt of his chin, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Better get to it then,” he says as he moves to lay across the bed, not at all surprised when she moves out of reach. He lets his legs dangle off the side and puts his hands behind his head, carefully watching the blonde out of the corner of his eye and trying to fight a smile.

"I'll have you know I enjoy all those ties and things to do," she replied loftily, sticking her nose in the air with a playful huff before selecting a green and white dress from the neat pile that had been left for her as a gift from Thranduil and Legolas. She was still reeling from the number of dresses she now had to choose from, and delighted at running her fingers over the beautiful gold and darker green embroidery, admiring the silk thread. Tauriel was having dresses made that Fíli could fight in, but for now she'd wear one of these to the morning meal.

Ignoring her sprawling brother, she pulls the nightdress over her head and sets it aside so that the smell of sex that lingered on it didn't get on her other clothes. If Kíli noticed the way she turned her back on the mirror as she undressed, he didn't say anything.

It became clear rather quickly, though, that she was struggling with the dress, and she made a frustrated noise when she couldn't do up the lacings of the green corset that went up her back. It didn't help that this dress was a bit more form fitting than the one last night, and was tighter around her muscled midriff without the corset even being laced. The sleeves, too, which were white and a bit puffed at the top and decorated with twin cuffs of green with golden embroidery near the elbow, and draping bits of green fabric over the rest of the sleeve that ended at her forearm, were tighter than before. Almost uncomfortably tight. 

The dress didn't fit.

"Of course it doesn't fit, it's meant for a woman's body," she tells herself bitterly, pulling desperately at the sleeves to try to get it off. It's a bit of a struggle, however, with the tightness of the sleeves around her arms and the restriction of the cloth around her too broad shoulders, and she becomes increasingly more panicked the longer it takes to get it off. 

Something has to give way, though, and unfortunately it's the dress, with the delicate embroidery of the sleeve's cuff tearing and leaving a hole in the fabric.

Overwhelmed with frustration and on the verge of hysteria as Fíli was by this point, the tear was just too much for her, and so she sat down on the floor and refused to move, the ruined dress puffing awkwardly around her knees.

"What am I doing, Kíli? I look like an idiot. Wearing a dress, wearing an _Elvish_ dress. I'm a proper fool," she whispered, fingers shaking as they brush across the long golden-green belt that hung around the waist of the dress and voice raw. 

Kíli is off the bed and kneeling in front of his sister as soon as she sits on the floor. He takes one of her hands between his and gives it a squeeze.

“Well dear sister, it looks like you're sitting on the floor,” he tries to joke as he bumps their foreheads together.

“You aren't a fool, Fíli and you don't look like an idiot. You look like someone who's tried on something that's just a little too small and we can ask to have fixed if you want. I think it would look great on you once it's fitted for you.” He thinks it would look better in red but then thanks to his One he's probably developed some kind of thing for the color. Not that the green looks bad at all, actually it looks very pretty but red would be better.

“You might have to wait for a while though if you don't want to wear _Elvish_ dresses though. You can always wear hobbity dresses once we get to the Shire and maybe we could find something nice in Bree.” He rubs the back of his neck as he tries to think of more options. He doubts Beorn or any of his animal friends could make dresses and Kíli didn't know anyone that could make dwarfish clothing that wasn't residing in the Blue Mountains or Erebor. He himself couldn't make clothing either even though he could tend to small tears in his tunic or trousers, he couldn't fix the rip in Fíli's dress. Well fix it and make it look proper again.

“You do look really good in them, Fee. Even if they are _Elvish_ ,” he mocks the sneer that he always heard older dwarves use since it wasn't just Thorin that held a grudge against the entire race.

Fíli manages a small, if watery smile at Kíli's attempts to comfort her, leaning forward to brush her forehead to his and letting a soft, shuddering sigh escape.

"Hate doesn't suit you, little brother. Not even pretend hate," she chuckles, letting Kíli's scent and the feeling of his tangled brown hair beneath her fingers help ground her again. The dress just didn't fit was all. It was designed for tall, thin elf women, not a dwarf. 

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, tugging on one of the braids tucked behind the brunet's ear that marked them as siblings so she can unravel it. By the time she's got his hair brushed out with her fingers and the three braids back in place she feels calmer and the urge to go into the bathing room and hurt herself has diminished. 

"Can you pick out a new dress? One that's a little bit.. more me sized," Fíli said finally, looking down at the dress she was currently wearing and the awkward bulges and strains of the fabric.

"And I'll need help getting this off. I think I might have pulled at one of the cuts on my back trying to get it off myself."

Kíli manages to give her a slightly stern look for possibly reopening one of her injuries before pressing a quick kiss to her blonde hair and going to the pile of dresses. Of course there's a red one that catches his eye first but he tries to look like he's giving his choice more thought. He picks up a light blue dress first, then a brownish one, and lastly a green one before going back for the red and white one.

He holds it up by the shoulders to look at it more carefully. It seems like it would fit Fíli just fine and it's entirely different than the one she wore yesterday. The sleeves are a solid red, except for the insides which are white, with small bands of white on the upper arms and there are ties in front that he may already be planning to undo later. Everything is pretty loose and flowing though so it could fit his sister, it looks like it would fit on him so it should be fine on her.

The archer gives a quick nod, decision long since made but he supposed to have truly considered it, before laying it on the bed and sitting next to Fíli.

“Here I'll hold the dress and you wiggle out of it. We can ask someone to fix it so maybe you can wear it in Rivendell or even when we get to the Shire. I grabbed a dress that looks like it would fit the best and you can get dressed after I check your back,” he says already trying to help her work a sleeve off.

Fíli arches a brow at the red and white dress Kíli had chosen, wriggling her way out of the dress until she's finally free of the constricting fabric, eyes still determinedly avoiding the mirror or her own body.

"You mean you grabbed a dress that was red," she pointed out in a teasing tone, fingers working at the red laces of the new dress. It was loose enough that it'd fit comfortably over her arms, broad shoulders and midriff, but the laces would bring in the waist a bit to give her a more feminine shape. 

Front lace corsets were nice. Fíli would get all front lace corsets.

Once Kíli had made sure she hadn't opened any of the healing cuts on her back, she tugged the dress on over her head and could have sang a song when it slipped on easily, loose and flowing and so very comfortable.

"It was just the dress. It wasn't me," she whispers more to herself than to Kíli, tugging the laces so the waist cinched in and tying it in a neat bow.

Fíli wasn't Wrong. The dress had just been wrong.

And while to most it might be a minor thing, to Fíli that distinction was the entire world.

“I only picked the one that I thought would fit the best. If it _happens_ to be red, well there’s nothing wrong with that is there?” Kíli says with a shrug as he pulls up his trouser and ties them around his hips.

“They probably don’t get many dwarves coming through that want Elvish dresses, they aren’t used to making dresses that aren’t for tall, thin elven ladies,” he says gently and wraps his arms around his sister. He hadn’t caught what she had whispered to herself but there was a look on her face that he didn’t like.

“We’ll get it fitted properly then you can wear it around Beorn’s or Rivendell. That one is definitely too pretty to wear while we’re out on the road.” He hugs her tight and kisses her neck.

“Although you might need to change again because I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep my hands off you while we eat,” he whispers against her ear. Red was a good color on her and this dress was particularly amazing. Too bad they were still trying to outrun Thorin or he’d insist on staying just one more day and spending all of it in bed. Maybe watch her try on a few more of her dresses so he can take them right back off.

They’ll have time for all of that and so much more once they’re safe in the Shire. 

Fíli chuckles at her brother's clinginess and leaned back against his chest, enjoying the feeling of his lips against her neck. She already knows that it's covered in quite vivid bruises from last night, and any elf that was in doubt about what had happened between them the night more would now be left without a single uncertainty.

For some reason that just made her feel giddy rather than embarrassed. Dwarves were proud lovers and it wasn't in their nature to hide away or to act ashamed of their relationships. Just because Kíli was her brother, and they were in the presence of elves rather than their own people didn't change the fact that she was pleased that everyone would know they had been together. 

She had a feeling, though, that this attitude wouldn't fly so well in the Shire. Certainly not while they were staying with Bilbo. Everything about hobbits screamed 'stuffy' and 'proper', so her and Kíli might have to tone it down a bit on the volume and the obvious signs of coupling.

"You'll have to keep your hands to yourself because after breakfast I am going with Tauriel to spar and see about these combat clothes she had me measured for yesterday," she laughed, patting the back of her brother's hand before extricating herself from his grasp, shooting him a small wink.

"Maybe you can ask Legolas if he'd be interested in practicing archery with you. Show that elf princeling how we dwarves shoot an arrow."

Fíli was still tired and the bed called to her, but she was going to go train with Tauriel and see if she couldn't pick up any new fighting moves from the elf. She had slept and eaten better in the past day than she had in months, so, that had to count for something, right? And she was used to operating on far less, so, she was sure that after a nice big breakfast she'd feel much better. She'd been too tired to eat more than what had been put on her plate the night before, a meager meal by the standards of a dwarf, but still far more than she'd gotten to eat in ages. Fíli was sure she'd be fine once she'd eaten, and sparring did always give her a rush of energy.

"Go on then, brother, get a move on, or there won't be anything left by the time we get there!"

“Hmm, you assume that the Prince will be able to look at me in the eye after last night. Maybe I'll just watch you and Tauriel spar so that I'll know all your tricks if you ever spar against me.” Kíli grins from ear to ear and moves forward for a quick kiss before locating a greenish-blue tunic that's nice enough for breakfast but will be easy to move in if he does get a chance to spar or practice some archery against the Prince of Mirkwood.

“Maybe I can show up one of the others, not too much though since it would probably be rude to embarrass our hosts like that,” he muses as he does up the laces, silently thanking Mahal that there aren't any buttons. It's still too soon for him to be dealing with those evil things again.

He'd like to be able to do both, maybe he can get in a little archery while Fíli and Tauriel looked at the things that were made for his sister. Then he'd be free once they started their match and he could watch. 

There was still some small part of him that worried if Fíli was out of his sight too long, that she would disappear. Maybe it's because it's still hard to believe that all of this isn't a dream or because they're still too close to Erebor for his liking or maybe it's his natural dwarven possessiveness. Either way he knows that he probably shouldn't follow her around like a lost puppy and give her some space. 

Kíli slips his boots on, carefully tucking the legs of his trousers inside them, and reaches for his siter.

“Ready to go? Hopefully the King saved us something.”

Fíli is reminded of Legolas walking in on them last night and can't help but groan, running a hand through her blonde hair. Dwarves were proud lovers, yes, but that had just been embarrassing. Now _she_ wasn't sure she'd be able to look the Elf Prince in the eye.

She mumbles something about brothers too big for their britches and needing to be taken down a notch as they make their way to breakfast, making a mental note to not use even a fraction of her many tricks and moves while Kíli was watching. She'd been training with Dwalin constantly since she was well enough to move after the battle, whereas he'd only sparred on occasion, and practiced his archery. Exhausted and malnourished or otherwise, her body was at the peak of its physical prime, and she was certainly not about to be bested by her little brother.

Still, as Fíli makes her way to the sparring grounds with Tauriel, having changed into an outfit exactly the same as the elf's but tailored to fit her stouter frame and feeling sick to her stomach after eating so much, she has to wonder if maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The morning meal had been rather quiet compared to the previous one, and Fíli took the chance to fill her belly with every possible thing that looked good, all washed down with the sweet berry juice poured for them. It sat heavy in her gut, twisting and grinding miserably, a cold sweat breaking out on her skin as she stood opposite Tauriel, who'd removed her bow and quiver, and her knives so no one was accidentally hurt.

She was about to ask to sit down and digest for a bit when she noticed Kíli was nearby loosing arrows into the targets with an elvish bow Legolas had given him to try. She wasn't about to back down with him watching, he'd never let her live it down. She was a dwarf and dwarves didn't need time to do silly things like digest. They were fighters, always ready to fend off an enemy. And if she could fight off the giant bear that Dwalin was, surely an elf would be a piece of cake, right?

Fíli lasts about fifteen seconds their first go round, grunting with surprise when she's neatly flipped onto her back and left to gape up at the tree tops, trying to catch her breath. Not even Dwalin had bested her so quickly or so easily since she'd come of age, and the humiliation stung at her, turning her face red as she sat up stiffly.

"You're holding your body too tensely. It makes your movements stiff and predictable. Loosen up your limbs and move more fluidly, like you did when you evaded my elves coming into the forest yesterday," Tauriel said good naturedly, helping Fíli to her feet and backing away so they can go again.

They practice for near to an hour, and by the time the sun is high overhead, barely visible through the tiny gaps in the leaves, Fíli is drenched in sweat and gasping, but feeling much more confident now that she'd gotten into the step of what Tauriel was doing. She was able to mimic and match each move the she elf made after only seeing her do it once, body sliding sinuously as they grappled in the dirt. 

One would have thought it'd be during their wrestling that Fíli would have fallen with the ferocity and skill in their moves.

They had taken a break to drink from the water skins they had brought, watching as Legolas and Kíli tried to best each other at shooting an arrow through a tiny ring dancing in the wind. Fíli wasn't really sure what happened. 

One minute she'd been cheering her brother on and the next there was a loud roaring in her ears, and the ground rushing up to meet her. She woke up in her bed after what felt like only seconds to Thranduil peering down at her, and a concerned looking Tauriel and Legolas nearby, while Kíli paced the floor. 

Well, that wasn't good.

What was seconds for Fíli had felt like a lifetime for Kíli. He had been lining up his shot when he heard his sister hit the ground and then Tauriel calling out in elvish. He and Legolas had rushed over to see what had happened. He had instantly panicked seeing his One laying there, fearing the absolute worst and had turned protective just as quickly. He had demanded to know what Tauriel had done to his sister, trying to push the elven Captain away from the blonde only to be grabbed by the front of his tunic and pulled face to face with Tauriel.

“She's only fainted, Master Dwarf, and you aren't helping her by panicking,” she scolded, “you need to calm down so can help me get her out of the sun and back to your room. Can you do that for your sister or do I need to have someone else do it?” She asks with a softer voice. Kíli starts to nod before he shakes his head and then realizes that he needs to open his mouth and use his words.

“No I can do it,” he says and if his voice shakes, no one says anything. He gathers Fíli up in his arms, feeling lighter than he would have expected, while Tauriel and Legolas exchange words briefly. She motions for the dwarf to follow her and he does so without question.

“Legolas is going to get his father and they'll meet us in your room,” she informs him and all he can do is nod. He follows her through what he'd guess to be servants passage ways until they get to the room they're staying where he carefully lays her on the bed.

The brunet can't help but wrap his arms around himself as he steps away from her, images of Fíli falling before him on the battle field flooding his mind. 

His face must give away where his mind has wandered because Tauriel is laying a gentle hand on his shoulder, giving him a comforting look.

“Fíli will be just fine. The King will make sure of that,” she reassures him and he nods again, wanting to believe her. The problem was that he's never known his sister to just collapse like that. Never once while she was training with Dwalin had she just passed out or any other time either. He always thought his older sibling to be above such a thing but maybe the stress of the last few days had caught up to her.

Kíli tries to sit on a chair as they wait for Thranduil and Legolas to arrive but he starts to fidget and before long he actually _needs_ to get up and move. He was somewhere between demanding what took the two royals so long and breathing a sigh of relief when the two finally appear. The Elven King sweeps past all of them, leaving the dwarf to his pacing and the Prince and Captain to talk lowly in Sindarin. 

“Captain Tauriel was correct, she's only fainted and she will wake soon enough,” the King announces smoothly. Kíli feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders but he continued to pace until finally, _finally_ , her eyes open.

“Ah, welcome back, my Princess. How are you feeling?” Thranduil asked and the archer flies across the room and onto the bed so that he can kneel next to her, worry written all over his face.

Fíli winces as Kíli's jumping jostles the bed, managing a faint, flickering smile.

"Embarrassed and like I got kicked in the head by a bull," she admitted, attempting to sit up only to have the Elf King gently press her back down into the pillows.

"You are under nourished and your body is exhausted, Fíli. You look like one who hasn't seen a proper meal or rest in months," he said slowly, and now she realized that she was out of her sweaty practice clothes and in a clean night dress beneath the blankets, making her cheeks heat up with further embarrassment. Had Thranduil seen her scars? Had all of them _seen?_

"Your brother helped dress you while we waited outside," Thranduil explained when he saw her panicked look, resting his hand on the crown of her head, "but it does not take much to see that despite the muscle mass on your body, you are almost as skinny as you were when we encountered the first time in the Mirkwood. There is hardly an ounce of fat left on you, and the shadows beneath your eyes tell me what you have not. You have not been eating or sleeping properly since the Battle was won. Pray tell how has this come about?" 

Fíli swallowed thickly and looked up to see that Tauriel and Legolas have blissfully exited the room, leaving her with just Kíli and Thranduil to confess her shame to.

"Every morning I had to rise with the sun to train with Dwalin. When the sun was high in the sky I would have just enough time to wash and change, and sometimes grab toast or a slice of ham before going to the Council meetings with the King. After that, when the sun was starting to sink towards the ground, I was to meet Balin in the library to study history and politics and everything I would need to know to become King. He would load me up with additional work to do each night when our studies ended at the ringing of the supper bell. Sometimes if the workload was light enough I would go to the mess hall for supper, but most times I took it in my room so I could finish the work I was given. If I was lucky it was all done before the bell struck mid night before I would fall into bed still wearing my boots, only to wake up a few hours later to do it all over again," she whispered bitterly, a dry chuckle escaping her.

"Didn't exactly leave much time to sleep or eat. Eventually it just became easier not to eat. If I ate too much then it made me sick. I learned how to make do on a few hours of sleep a night, though I sometimes fell asleep during the day. That always ended in punishment, though, and those were even worse than not sleeping."

She leaned back into the pillows and closed her eyes, shame thrumming through her veins.

"I just wanted Uncle to be proud of me. I wanted him to love me, and be happy of all that I'd achieved for him. But all he noticed were my slip ups, and my failings. He's not said a kind word to me since we came to that wretched mountain. Not a single one!"

Kíli tried his best not to look guilty while his sister explained things to the King. He'd known about the strict schedule that Fíli had to keep to, had noticed just how exhausted she looked, and even worried for how much weight she'd been losing lately. He'd known but there had been nothing he could do to try and intervene, not with Thorin breathing down Fíli's neck. He'd tried talking to Balin and Dwalin, but they were both simply doing as their King had commanded them to do, trying to make the blonde a better heir to the crown.

He knew he wasn't to blame but he still can't help but feel like he could have tried harder to help.

When they left Erebor the archer thought that _finally_ his sister would start getting better. Even though they had only been here a day she had slept soundly when they napped and throughout the night and she had even eaten more than he'd seen since they reclaimed the mountain.

But apparently one good night of sleep and a few good meals weren't enough to fix everything she'd been through in recently and really he should have known that. 

“That wasn't our Uncle, Fee. That was the gold sickness. Our Uncle does love you and if that really would have been him, he would noticed you wasting away for him. The gold sickness makes him not care for anyone besides himself,” Kíli says gently, hiding how much he wants to go back to the mountain and break Thorin's jaw. It seems all the King has done is hurt Fíli and Kíli is tired of learning about all the things she's suffered because of him. 

“Fee, why didn't you tell me that you were tired? We could have put off breakfast and sparring until later so that you could sleep more,” he pleads. More than anything he doesn't like that his One is hiding how she is doing health wise.

Fíli looks away from him, allowing Thranduil's cool touch to soothe her fevered brow, fingers knotted in the blankets.

"Because I wanted to spar. I wanted to eat breakfast. I wanted to do normal things! I didn't want to lay in bed like an ailing child, I wanted to be with you and do normal things again. I just wanted to be a normal dwarf and do things normal dwarves do!" she snapped, suddenly shrinking down and away from her brother, unable to help the automatic physical response to her own anger. Whenever she'd gotten angry and yelled at this madness twisted Thorin it ended in a punishment. She'd learned quickly that to be angry was to be punished.

Trying to cover up for it, she coughed and sank down into the bed, shoulders drawn up defensively. 

"I've been tired for most of my life, Kíli. Especially this past year. I saw no reason to give it any special attention."

Her voice was quieter now, more subdued. She kept her gaze on Thranduil's chest, deeming that a much safer place to look than at her brother right now. 

"Uncle blames me for Mother's death. He blames me for not trying harder to get help for her. And he hates me for the Wrongness that plagues me," she murmurs, shaking her head. 

How could he possibly love her with all that hanging off her?

"No matter how tired I am we must leave tomorrow morning at dawn. We can't afford to lose what precious time we have as a head start because I'm weak."

Her voice is firm now, her gaze steely as she finally looks at Kíli, blue eyes hooded with exhaustion. She would sleep on Farin's back if she had to, but they were leaving in the morning. 

Thranduil sighed and muttered something about the stubbornness of dwarves, gesturing at a mug on the table beside the bed.

"Drink that, my Princess. It will help you sleep. As far as eating goes, your body has gotten used to being on the edge of starvation. It'll take time before you can eat big meals again. Eat small meals and eat them often throughout the day, and your stomach will slowly get used to eating again. If you push yourself your body will let you know rather painfully," he instructs in that infuriatingly soft, even voice of his, robes rustling as he stood.

"I'll leave you to your rest. Feel free to join us for the evening meal, Master Dwarf, and we'll go over what you'll need for supplies to leave in the morning."

He bows his head slightly as he leaves, and now it's just the two of them. And for some reason Fíli doesn't feel comforted.

“Thank you,” Kíli replies curtly. He means to be much more sincere, to thank the King coming to check on his sister but at the same time he’s angry with her and hurt. There’s no room for him to be truly thankful to Thranduil, not right now.

He glares back at Fíli, anger and hurt rolling around inside him. He chooses to be angry, the hurt only wants to curl up in the corner liked a kicked puppy far away from Fíli and that’s not going to help either of them right now.

“ _We_ aren’t going anywhere tomorrow unless Thranduil says it's okay for you to travel, _Fíli_. If he says you can’t and you want to leave anyway, it’ll be without me because I can’t trust you to tell me when something is wrong," he says sternly as he crosses his arms over his chest. The thought of her leaving without him adds to the hurt he’s already feeling but he tries to rationalize it away. He’s Fíli’s One and her brother, there’s no way she’d ever leave without him. Right?

There’s a traitorous part of his mind that also reminds him that they haven’t been together for long, two whole days to be exact, and she _is_ trying to outrun a life as Dain’s bed slave. That might be enough for her to leave him in the dust.

With that dark seed planted in his mind, his hurt and anger only grow more.

“If you honestly think that I’m going to leave here with you, constantly worried that you’re just going to pass out on me again, then you aren’t as smart as I thought you were. Believe it or not, _sister_ , I didn’t leave the mountain just to watch you kill yourself on the road and that’s exactly where you’re headed. You aren’t even going to make it to Rivendell or Mahal even Beorn’s at this rate.” 

Fíli stares at Kíli for an uncomfortably long time, trying to choose between blowing up at him or kicking him out. She decides on a combination of both.

"How dare you, Kíli. How dare you make presumptions about what I can do with _my_ body," she said, her voice deadly quiet and even, which is far more chilling and frightening than if she were to scream at her brother. Her blue eyes are like chips of ice, and she fixes a glare on the brunet that could freeze a volcano.

"In case you weren't paying attention, Kíli, we are running for our lives. We don't have time to stay and make nice another day. We're already pushing it by staying as long as we have. In three days time Thorin will know we're not coming back, and if he catches us then you are going to die. You're going to die and Thorin will make me watch. He'll guarantee I'm close enough to feel your blood splash on my skin, and then he will wrap me up in a pretty bow and send me away to be raped by Dain for the rest of my life, if I don't bite out my own tongue first from the pain of watching the other half of my soul have his head removed from his body."

She shoves the blankets back and stands, seeming much taller than her scant four feet six inches in that moment as she bares her teeth.

"You think because you fucked me that my body is yours to command now, do you? That you can just say what we're doing and I'll do it because I belong to you? Like it or not I am still my own dwarf, and you do _not_ own me, not any part of me! Not you, not Thorin, not Dain, not Thranduil, not anyone! My body is my own and no one knows its failings better than me, and if I say that I am fine to leave tomorrow morning, then I am fine to leave tomorrow morning. Don't you _ever_ presume to dictate my weaknesses to me. I've survived months of this. Traveling to the Shire is nothing compared the burden of Thorin's expectations."

Fíli jabs her finger at the door, eyes over bright and hands itching to pick up her swords, to reassert her dominance over the situation like Thorin and Dwalin had always taught. She may be Wrong but she was far from weak, and she'd fight any who dared to tell her otherwise.

"Get out, Kíli. Get out and don't come back for a while. If you actually think me capable of leaving you behind, after all I've done for you since you were born, after _everything_ I've given up to protect you, then maybe you should go find yourself someone you have more faith in." 

She didn't want to see his face right now.

“Fine,” Kíli growls and pushes himself off the bed, “but a body can only survive so long before the starvation and exhaustion catch up, Fíli. And if you really want me to see you die because you refuse to acknowledge that you aren't okay then fine. Go for it. If you don't want me to care then fine, I don't fucking care.”

“It's not like I was scared to death when I saw you just laying there. It's not like starvation and exhaustion are serious problems, but they aren't for you because you're fucking invincible. Obviously I know nothing and you know everything.” He snatches up his quiver and bow from where he'd dropped them on the floor earlier. His eyes are starting to go misty but he absolutely refuses to let her see how much he's hurting. 

He storms over to the door and flings it open.

“And I _never_ asked you to protect me. If I don't get to worry about your health then you don't get to worry about mine anymore. I'm my own dwarf too and an adult now. I don't need or want you to do anything for me anymore,” he snaps before he's walking out of the room and slamming the door behind him. It rattles with the force but it's not enough for everything he's feeling right now. He wants all of Thranduil's home to shake with the force of his anger and breaking heart.

He wants a storm like there was in the mountains when they were passing through and for stone giants to throw things and to feel the stone crumbling. He wants death and destruction to match his mood.

Well maybe not the death part but definitely the destruction part.

Kíli knows that he's not going to get that so he falls back to what made him feel better before, he's going to find either Tauriel or Prince Legolas and see if they'll indulge him in a few drinks of their wine.

Fíli flinches reflexively when Kíli flings himself off the bed, hands curled defensively into fists. When he slams the door and storms away, rather than strike her, Fíli sinks down onto the floor and leans heavily back against the bed.

"He doesn't need you anymore," she whispered, hands shaking as she pulled up the hem of her nightdress, itching to dig her fingernails into the meat of her thighs. 

_"I don't fucking care."_

She feels like a knife has been buried in her heart and is twisting each time his words repeat in her head. 

He doesn't care. He doesn't need her anymore. 

She drags a nail across her thigh again and again until the skin is red and painful, not stopping until she finally draws blood. It hurts, but nowhere near as much as her heart or her head do at the knowledge that _Kíli didn't need her anymore._

Thorin had only needed her as his heir. And when a better opportunity came along in the form of Dain's bribe, he decided she was no longer all that necessary after all. But Kíli, her Kíli, he'd always needed her, ever since he was born he'd needed her to look after him. To protect him. And she'd needed him to need her. It gave her life purpose and meaning, beyond the plague of the Wrongness. A reason to fight, _her_ reason to fight.

Without that, what did she have left?

The nightdress weighs on her shoulders like a thousand wargs, and she pulls it off in anger and flings it away, grabbing at her pack and pulling out her soft brown breeches and tunic from the day before. She was an idiot and a fool for thinking Kíli would somehow be the magic answer to everything. Kíli didn't need his big sister, but he'd always needed his big brother. If Fíli became his big brother again, would everything go back to the way it was? Could she just pretend that it'd all been some silly joke and suffocate that part of who she was once more?

If it meant not losing Kíli then, yes. Fíli would sacrifice all of middle earth if that was what it took.

Even if the feeling of the trousers against her skin as she pulled them on made her want to bury her knife into the artery in her thigh. 

Kíli spends all of half a second looking for either elf before he gives up and goes to the archery range. The first few are buried in the target before the next three miss spectacularly and he seriously thinks about throwing his bow across the range. Instead, he simply lets it fall to the ground and he plops down next to it, drawing his knees up to chest. He rests his head against them and lets out a long, slow breath. 

There's an ache in his chest like he can't believe and all he wants to do is go back and apologize until Fíli forgives him but _she_ wanted him to stay away. All he had wanted for her to see that she wasn't invincible. Why couldn't she see that? It wasn't any good running if they were going to have to stop all the time because she was fainting or slowly starved to death before they got to the Shire.

Why did she get to take care of him but he didn't get to take care of her? Was it weak to be taken care of? Did she think that he was weak because he _wanted_ her to take care of him? Maybe that's why she didn't want him to do anything for her. Maybe it was weak, _he_ was weak.

That would explain some things actually. 

Well that didn't matter anymore because he said that he didn't want or need her to do that. Now he just had to figure out how to live without her watching over him all the time or running to her every time he had a problem.

He could do that right? He'd never had to before, even when Thorin tried to separate them. Kíli always ran to Fíli but those days were over now.

Tears spilled down his cheek at the thought and he scrubs them away. He's not a dwarfling anymore, adults didn't cry.

The dwarf sits there for a while longer, until his ass starts to hurt, and decides that it's probably about dinner time and heads to the dining hall. He hopes the elves don't mind him not saying much, he's really not in the mood to talk to anyone. 

The only reason Fíli ends up attending the dinner is because Tauriel is sent to fetch her, and the elf Captain gets quite the surprise when she sees the blonde dwarf in trousers and a tunic again, sitting against a wall and studiously sharpening each of her many blades. She'd decided it best not to ask, especially not after the reports she'd gotten of a fight breaking out between the siblings.

Still it is a bit disconcerting to see Kíli's open mouthed shock at his sister in breeches once more, and even Thranduil seems a bit perturbed by this development.

Especially as Fíli corrects the Elf King when he calls her 'Princess', insisting that she was merely a Prince in exile and nothing more. She'd eaten little before retiring back to her room and Kíli did not join her.

Nothing seems to be resolved between the pair, either, by the next morning, Tauriel's eyes keen as she watches them plod along on their ponies. Despite Fíli's protests about not wanting the dresses Tauriel had carefully folded and packed away every single one, including the nightdresses and the traveling outfits she'd had sewn for her. Without the usual banter and playful conversation between the dwarves it was an uncomfortably long, silent ride, with Fíli looking just about ready to fling herself in front of her pony in the hopes she'd be crushed and Kíli not faring much better.

Thranduil had ordered her not to get involved, though, and she shook her head as they approached the edge of the forest. They had left with the rising sun, as Fíli had asked, and Tauriel could see the sun was now high in the sky, starting its descent back towards the horizon. 

"Follow the road and it will take you to the skin shifter's home," she instructed, eyes serious as they swept over the pair before her. Neither looked even remotely prepared to be alone with one another, but she had taken them as far as she had promised. Ultimately the Mirkwood was her home, and she was sworn to protect it and her people, not those who travel through it.

Nevertheless, she dips her head in a farewell to them both and watches as they made their way down the road, a considerable space between them as to avoid all possibility of touching.

Whatever had come between them would hopefully work itself out in the end.

Fíli certainly hoped so as she clutched at Farin's reigns, heart thudding in her chest at the prospect of being alone with Kíli again for the first time since their fight. She knew he was itching to ask why she was wearing breeches again and only hoped he didn't. How was she supposed to explain that he'd treated her differently since discovering she was female? Or that he always needed his big brother, but had found he had no use for an older sister? 

So she said nothing. And neither did Kíli. Each step took them farther from the Mirkwood and closer to the Shire, and yet all Fíli could feel was the aching loneliness deep in her chest.

Kíli was dying to know about his sister's change back to her trousers but he didn't ask. He figured that it had something to do with their fight but he wasn't sure what and he's not sure he wants to know. She probably wouldn't tell him anyway, too afraid of looking weak to her younger brother.

He sighed internally at that. It was more than okay for him to be weak but Mahal forbid she need him for a second. He wouldn't allow that anymore. If she couldn't be weak than neither could he, they would be equals in that.

Even if all he wanted to do was be weak and beg for forgiveness, for her to take him back in her arms again and never let go. To watch over him and make sure that he didn't do anything stupid and impulsive like he was wont to do. He'd promise to never bring up taking care of her ever again and that he'd always be the weaker of the two of them, just for her. He'd do anything to get her to look at him like she had yesterday morning, to hear her call him her khahith again. Anything if it meant that he didn't ever have to feel like there was a giant chasm between them that he couldn't cross.

Anything for her to soothe the incessant ache in his chest.

Kíli doesn't do any of that though, just watches the back of Daisy's head as she walks along the path. It already feels like ages since Tauriel left them and he can only imagine that it's going to be like that until they get to the Shire. What happened then? Were they still going to get their own hobbit hole or cabin? His shoulders sag a little thinking that they wouldn't, that she could possibly want to live separately. 

Both dwarves were so lost in their own thoughts they notice little more than the sounds of their own thudding hearts.

Fíli would never forgive herself for being so careless.

If she hadn't been so distracted worrying that her brother hated her she would have heard the feet behind them, and the sound of metal on metal. 

Needless to say she's more than surprised when Farin panics and rears up, Fíli thudding on her back in the dirt with the wind knocked out of her. Both ponies bolt in fear, and she gasps and chokes for air as she tries to scramble to her feet, staring down a band of twenty orcs that have surrounded her and Kíli, who has his sword drawn, bow and arrows strapped uselessly to the back of Daisy, who was now long gone with Farin.

She draws her own twin swords and grounds herself, almost hearing her heart slow as she breathes steady, in and out, just like Dwalin taught her. She had to sink into that part of her mind that allowed her to move as one being with the blades, as if she were a part of them. With Kíli's bulk against her back it was like the Battle all over again, and the smell blood and steel clogs her nostrils, threatening to strike fear into her heart.

But when the orcs fell upon them, screaming death and fury in their black tongue, there was no room for terror. There was only the fight.

Fíli fought as one possessed, dancing sinuously with her brother at her back as she slashed and hacked away at the orcs that came near them, hewing limbs and slicing flesh. Black blood stained her clothes and skin but she hardly noticed in the state she was, nor did she care about the wounds she received herself from the occasional lucky jab. 

She spun around to catch Kíli's eyes, her face alight with the thrill of battle despite her exhaustion. This would truly show him he needed her. That they were a team, two halves of a whole, and that she could fight even if she was exhausted and recovering from starvation. She had been born with a sword in hand and nothing could stop her now.

Everything Kíli had been feeling before melts away as the orcs descend upon them. There’s nothing but Fíli at his back and his sword in his hands, though he would much rather have his bow he’d been an idiot and now it was gone with Daisy. He had trained with a sword for just such a predicament though and even though he was nowhere near the level of swordsman as his sister, he wasn’t anywhere near helpless either.

He moves with Fíli, anticipating her moves before she even makes them and she does the same as they take the orcs down one by one. If they weren’t fighting for their lives at the moment he would impressed that while they were out of sync in a lot of other ways today, they were still fighting like they shared the same mind.

He looks to her when she turns to him but instead of trying to show her that he could protect her just as easily as she could protect him, he looks past the blonde to see an orc coming up from behind her. His mind goes back to the Battle and thoughts of losing her again, his body moving before he realizes it, deciding that is _not_ happening for a second time. 

The brunet moves around her, putting himself between his sister and the orc, before swinging his sword up across the thing’s body. He cuts it nearly in half and has a brief second to feel triumphant at keeping Fíli from major harm before the creature falls before him to reveal an orc with a bow and arrow aimed right for him.

He doesn’t move, knowing that if he does the arrow will hit Fíli instead and he can’t allow that to happen. Specially not after he’d just saved her. He resigns himself to his fate just as the arrow pierces his body, right between his rib cage and just above his stomach.

For a second everything stops around him and all he feels is intense pain, more than he’s ever known in his life, and worry for Fíli, that he failed her.

Kíli buckles at the middle and lets himself fall to his knees, his empty hand coming up to touch the red spot that’s slowly swallowing up the blue of his tunic. That’s _his_ blood staining _his_ clothing. Somehow even seeing that and feeling the pain reverberating through his body, it still feels surreal. 

He clenches his eyes shut and focuses on breathing, hoping that his sister forgives him for being weak and needing her to protect him one more time. 

Fíli opens her mouth to congratulate Kíli on a spectacular kill when her eyes alight on the same orc. Before she can even think to surge forward and knock her brother to the ground and away from the arrow it's buried deep in his body, sending her brother to his knees.

And there's blood. There's so much blood. 

All Fíli can smell is blood.

It roars in her head at the sight of her brother like this, and before the lust for revenge consumes her, she wonders if this is how he felt watching her fall at the Battle.

Fíli's grip on her swords becomes vicelike, and her ice blue eyes turn on the orc, who dares to throw his head back and roar with laughter at her anguish. There are only seven orcs left out of the twenty that had assaulted them. Seven heads that Fíli would mount upon spikes for the crows.

"Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!" she shrieked, echoing the old dwarven battle cry as she dropped to her knees and rolled under the arrow sent her way, swords dropped and hands grabbing at the axes buckled to her boots. They find themselves buried in the skull of the orc who had struck Kíli, the knives from her bracers finding purchase in the hearts of two more.

"Four," she hissed, sliding to her feet with blades in hand, parrying the sword of one orc while her second blade buries in his throat. 

"Three." She wrenches her sword free in time to duck and spin under the axe of another orc, thrusting both of her blades through his stomach.

"Two." Fíli lets the orc drop with her blades still lodged in the bone of his spine and rolls through the blood soaked earth to pick up her brother's sword, lying abandoned by his side.

The two orcs attempt to fight together, but Fíli had fought against Dwalin and Thorin in tandem to train ever since she was a dwarfling. Two lone orcs were hardly comparable to the ferocity and the strength needed to fend off those two battle hardened dwarves.

She jams Kíli's blade up through the rib cage of the snarling orc, twisting it into his heart before yanking it back out, turning to dispatch the last orc that dared challenge the heirs of Durin to battle. But the cowardly beast has taken off at a run, attempting to escape, and Fíli knows she'll never be able to out run him with her shorter legs. So she drops the sword and picks up the discarded bow and arrows of the orc that killed Kíli, nocking the arrow and drawing it back to her cheek as she'd seen Kíli do a thousand times. She never could have shot like him with her beard, but her face was smooth, now, and while she hardly matched her brother's skill with a bow she was nothing to sneeze at.

"One."

The black tipped arrow flew through the sky like a bird and buried itself in the back of the orc's head, sending it crumpling to the ground. 

Fíli was left alone amongst the carnage wrought by herself and Kíli.

At least until she heard her brother's whimpering coughs and sprinted to fall to her knees at his side, brushing the blood matted hair back from his face to see he still lived, though his face was terrifyingly pale and he seemed delirious with the pain.

"Oh Kíli. My stupid, foolish, beautiful Kíli, why did you do that," she choked, hauling him into her lap so she could inspect the wound, shuddering at the arrow buried inside him. Remembering Oin's training for the treatment of battle wounds, she doesn't yank the arrow out but uses her knife to break it off near Kíli's body, ripping her brother's tunic to expose the wound fully. 

The ponies were gone, with all their supplies, which forced Fíli to lock her arms around Kíli under his shoulders and drag him away from the filth and gore he'd been laying in, down the road they'd came back towards the Mirkwood. She doesn't make it far, though, before Kíli can't bear the pain of it anymore, and she stows him in a copse of high grasses near a small pond where he'd be hidden from view if anyone walked by. She rips her own tunic off and orders him to keep pressure on the wound as best as he can before returning to the sight of the battle. Fíli collects their weapons first, and the bow and remaining arrows from the orc and hauls those back to their hiding place. When she returns to make sure nothing has been left to show that dwarves had been here, she stumbles across one of her bags, fallen from Farin when he had reared and knocked her off. 

It doesn't have much, but it does have some food and the kit wrapped up at the bottom with the various medical supplies she'd collected from Oin over the months, and the kit to sew up wounds. Not that it'll do much good with an arrow wound, especially if Kíli was bleeding on the inside, or had punctured an organ. 

Remembering the old dwarf's constant reminders of the importance of cleanliness when dealing with wounds like this, she strips off her clothing and scrubs the poisonous orc blood and mud off her body in the pond, unable to help the bitter laugh when she realizes the clothing packed in this bag are all dresses. Tauriel must have stowed there when she wasn't looking. Still, it's better than being naked and she yanks on one she doesn't recognize, realizing it must have been one of the outfits designed to be worn while she traveled. It still had comfortable brown breeches, but over that was a leather dress that fell to mid thigh with a thick leather corset in the middle hardened with what felt like steel inserts to protect her belly. A brown tunic went under the leather dress and seemed like it would even work with her arm bracers. If Kíli weren't currently occupying every thought she had, Fíli might have cried for how perfect the dress was for everything she needed it to be.

The blonde dwarf jammed her boots on and hauled herself back into the copse of grasses where her brother lay, careful not to touch the dirt or the grass as she grabs the packets of dried herbs from her medical bag, dribbling water into them to wet them and make a paste. She smears it around Kíli's wound, hands surprisingly still despite her inner terror, wincing at his groans of pain.

"It'll be okay, Kee.. I'm gonna take care of you," she whispered, kissing his sweaty brow as she massaged the paste past the arrow's shaft to get it into the wound, voice shaking in the way she would not allow her hands. "You're gonna be okay, little brother. I promise."

“I couldn’t watch you fall again, Fíli. Not again.” Kíli says gently, trying not to breathe too much because every muscle in his torso hurts when he does. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to be okay, already he feels weaker than he did and he’s sure all the blood he sees is really bad. His sister is here though and she’s fine besides a few things and it’s easy for him to draw comfort from that.

He wants more of her comfort though. He wants her arms around him, her fingers in his hair, and her lips against his. He _wants_ her to take care of him and make the hurt go away like she has so many times before. He wants things between them to be _right_ again, even if it's only going to be for a short while. 

“I’m so sorry, Fíli, for everything I said yesterday. I didn’t mean any of it, honest I didn’t. I saw you faint and I was so scared and then I just wanted to take care of you but then you didn’t want me to because you said it made you look weak. Then I realized that I was weak because I’ve always depended on you to take care of me and protect me. If you had to be strong then I have to be strong too,” he sniffles as he watches her.

“You aren’t weak though, Fee. You’re the strongest person I know. I just wanted to take care for you like you’ve always cared for me. I just wanted to show you that I can take care of us too. You don’t always have to. You deserved a break. I never meant to say that you weren’t strong and if letting me take care of you makes you weak then I don’t want to do that. I just thought that after everything you’ve been through, after everything _I’ve_ put you through, you deserved to relax a little.” Tears spill out of the corners of his eyes and he tries to pull her closer. He _needs_ her so much closer and he doesn’t even care about the wound in his stomach.

“I need you to take care of me though, sannamad. Even if that makes me a lesser dwarf, I don’t care. I’ll always be the weaker one if that means you’ll love me again.” 

Fíli shook her head and leaned down to press her forehead to Kíli's, her own tears falling to leave spots in the dirt on the other dwarf's cheeks.

"You big dummy.. You're my little brother, it's my _job_ to look after you. I promised Mother I would always take care of you, no matter what. She was so strong she willingly died to give you life, Kee, the least I can do is push through a little tiredness to keep you safe for her," she whispered. 

She forced herself to pull away and grabbed a loose tunic from the bag, soaking it in the pond before using it to clean the worst of the blood, grime, and sweat from Kíli's skin, desperately trying to stop herself from cursing Mahal, Aule, and anyone else who may be listening. Kíli was all she had. She couldn't lose him.

"I love you, Kee. That's why I look after you and take care of you. It doesn't make you weaker, or lesser. It just means your my baby brother and I'm doing right by our Mother in making sure you live a long, happy, healthy life. I never once looked down on you for needing me, my khahith.. It made me happy that you wanted me by your side, that I was always the one you came to when you needed something. I was always afraid one day you'd wake up and realize you didn't need me anymore the way I needed you to need me."

Her voice is heavy with emotion as she tightly wraps a bandage around Kíli's midsection, making sure it puts pressure on the wound so as to stop any bleeding, or so she hopes. With little else to do now but wait and hope Kíli recovered enough to make the journey back to the Mirkwood, or that their ponies would somehow find their way to them again, she settles in the dirt behind her brother, pulling him back so he rests between her legs against her chest, one of the loose white under dresses from the bag pulled over them both as a makeshift blanket.

"You just rest and focus on getting better, my love. I'm sure the ponies will come back soon," she murmured against his ear, rocking him gently back and forth to try to soothe him. If she wasn't so terrified of leaving him here unable to defend himself against any manner of beast or person she'd run to the Mirkwood for aid. But she couldn't fight the feeling that if she left Kíli here alone she would never see him alive again. So she remained, silently begging the Gods to let her brother live. 

"It'll be okay, I promise.. I'm here.."

Kíli lets himself relax against his sister, with the wound in his stomach it’s not like he can go anywhere else, not that he actually wants to. For a while he rests like she asks him, feeling way more exhausted than he thinks he should. He hadn’t slept at all the night before, he couldn’t without her next to him and the rift that was between them. He had thought about going back to their room but she had told him to stay away and hadn’t looked like she wanted him back at dinner so he stayed put. 

Maybe he was tired from that and the fight with the orcs or maybe it was his injury. Mahal it was probably a combination of the three.

He moves his hand down so that he can try and put in on the ground to shift into a little more comfortable position, the ground is really hard on his ass, but coordination is hard when you’re tired and losing blood. Instead of going over Fíli’s thigh he ends up smacking it instead and he doesn’t miss the way she flinches.

At first the archer is confused, he hadn’t seen her get hit in the leg so why was she acting like she was hurt? He tries to think back to the battle with the orcs but comes up with nothing for an explanation so he tries to go back to this morning and even last night for when she could have gotten hurt. She was fine when he’d put her into her sleeping dress after she had fainted, nothing but the scars she had shown him had been on her thighs. They had fought after that though and spent the night apart so he wouldn’t have seen whatever caused her injury.

It all clicks together after a few minutes, his brain a little more sluggish than usual, and he remembers that the scars on her thighs had been self inflicted. That if she actually thought he meant the things he said then she might have had cause to scratch them up again.

Instantly there are tears running down his cheeks again. He’d been so careless in saying that he didn’t care and didn’t need her. He never once stopped to think about how much that would hurt her.

“You hurt yourself last night because of me, didn’t you? And it’s my fault that you went back to wearing your tunic and trousers," he sobs and he’s suddenly trying to escape her embrace, not deserving to be held when he’d caused her so much pain.

“I hurt you! All I’ve ever done is hurt you,” he cries when he doesn’t get very far. Everything hurts and he’s not sure what’s from arrow wound, which he’s possibly made worse, and what’s from the knowledge that he’s hurt his One and his sister. 

Fíli is alarmed by Kíli's sudden attempts to squirm away from her, which only cause her to tighten her arms around the dwarf, unwilling to let him go and end up hurting himself.

"No, Kíli, it wasn't you. I was grazed by one of their blades after you went down is all. They got me on my arm, too," she soothed, putting more force into making this lie believable as she rocked him steadily back and forth, pressing kisses into his dirty hair. 

It would do her brother no good to know this now. He had to spend more time getting better and less worrying about Fíli's weaknesses. It was her own fault she was weak, not his.

He refused to settle, though, so she did the only thing she could think of in that moment: she sang him the lullaby he'd always loved as a dwarfling, well into his 40s until the children of the village started to tease him for being too old for lullabies. It was Elvish in nature, something she had heard one singing when a caravan of Elves came to trade with the Men of the village, and it was far more soothing than any of the Khuzdul lullabies she'd known as a child from Thorin or Mother.

"Lay down your sweet and weary head.. Night is falling, you have come to journey's end. Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before. They are calling from across the distant shore," she crooned into his ear, pleased that it has the desired effect of settling him, stroking her fingers through his hair with an arm tucked around his chest.

"Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face? Soon you will see all of your fears will pass away, safe in my arms. You're only sleeping."

She litters his forehead with gentle kisses, closing her own eyes and willing him to rest. Once he slept she could make sure her own wounds were seen to and clean their weapons. It was too risky to light a fire, so she had to make do with what precious daylight remained. Needless to say she was in for a long, restless night.

Kíli whimpers and sniffles, knowing full well that Fíli is lying to him but too tired to really care at the moment. His guilt slowly recedes until there is nothing but his sister's singing in his ear and the throbbing pain in his gut. Actually he thinks it's starting to hurt less which he thinks is because of that stuff Fíli put around the wound. He was never good with medicines like she is. He could do easy medical things like wrapping bandages or cleaning a wound, things to manage injuries until someone more knowledgeable came along. After that though he was lost.

“'M tired, Fee,” he whispers so that he can still listen to her singing. 

He uses the little bit of energy he has left to shift himself enough that he can bury his face against her neck. He's the one that caused her harm but he just really needs her right now. If he is going to be okay like she says then they can deal with what happened later and if he doesn't.

Well he's just going to leave it at that.

Right now Kíli really just wants to sleep. Even though they aren't even remotely close to some where safe and he's relying on Fíli to keep them protected through the night, sleep still sounds amazing.

The archer falls asleep to images of them back in Ered Luin but with them dancing in their kitchen, his sister wearing one of her Elvish dresses and the biggest smile he's ever seen.

Fíli exhales softly when Kíli finally surrenders to sleep, tucking the makeshift blanket a little tighter around him to keep him warm as the sun dips below the horizon. As much as she desperately needs to sleep she has to stay awake, and more than once she has to lay them both back in the grass and cup a hand over Kíli's mouth to silence his breathing at a too loud rustle or noise in the darkness that's surrounded them. 

The stars are bright in the sky but the moon is dark, leaving Fíli to stare helplessly at shadows. Their weapons are cleaned and ready to be used in battle again, but she'd rather not if she can avoid it. Kíli would be helpless if she was injured, too. His breathing has improved, though, since before, and bleeding has stopped, which has to be a good sign.

Despite her desperation to stay awake, though, the exhaustion gets the best of her soon enough and she drops off into unconsciousness, arms wrapped tight around her brother tucked safe against her chest. 

When she wakes it would be to an unearthly silence, the sun barely over the horizon and everything damp with the morning chill. 

Kíli wasn't breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so sorry.
> 
> The lullaby she sings him is ["Into the West" from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgcoBKWTW14). Not technically a lullaby, but, the lyrics were good for this, and it's a pretty song.


	9. I Drown In You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli learns to talk, and Kíli learns to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man we are so sorry for the delay in updating. We've both been incredibly busy with life, so we hope this big update makes up for it!
> 
> Title comes from ['Clarity' by Zedd.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxxstCcJlsc%22)
> 
> Trigger warning for attempted suicide and mentions of self harm.

Fíli's blood was like ice in her veins as she slowly sat up, unable to look down at her brother in her arms. He felt cold beneath her fingers, and when she finally mustered the courage to glance his face is pale and unearthly.

"K-Kíli. Kee, no," she chokes, scrambling to her knees and yanking the now filthy dress off to see Kíli's belly is distended beneath his torn tunic. The bleeding hadn't stopped, he'd just bled inside instead of out.

Kíli died while she slept, oblivious to his life slipping away. 

Her Kíli was gone.

A broken sob escapes her as she buries her face in Kíli's chest, screaming her guilt and anguish for all the world to see. What did she care, now, if a pack of orcs fell upon them? Kíli was dead. Nothing mattered anymore.

"Kíli please.. Kíli wake up, I'll do anything if you just wake up," she begs softly, fingers working around handfuls of his filthy tunic. But he did not answer, and his body remained as still as before.

She drew back with a choked off moan, her face a mess of tears and dirt.

"I failed you, Kee. I failed you. I'm so sorry, my love. I promised I'd always keep you safe and I failed," she whispered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ears before brushing her fingers down the braid that marked him as her little brother. 

"I didn't deserve you, no one did. You were too good for this world. They tried to take you from me before and Mama died to make sure you lived. But now they've finally stolen you from me, my little wolf, and taken all the light in the world with you."

Fíli stood up slowly and undid the laces of the steel boned corset, the one piece of armor she had one, letting it fall to the dirt beside their weapons and the lone pack. When she gathered Kíli's body into her arms it was with far more care, her steps slow but steady as she walked back down the road towards the Mirkwood in the distance.

"It'll be okay, though, Kee. I'm sure the elves haven't killed all the spiders, yet. I bet you I can find one, my khahith, before I starve."

There was no Shire, now. No Beorn. No Rivendell. There was no point, not anymore. There was no life without Kíli. The warmth of the sun couldn't reach her, or the sound of the wind in the trees. Kíli had taken that with him last night when he slipped into the next world. 

All Fíli could hear in her ears was the roaring pound of blood rushing through her veins, tormenting her every single moment she remained while Kíli was gone. Her One was lost to her, but soon they would be together again.

Something heavy struck the back of her head and Fíli knew no more.

When she woke the first thing she would see is her brother's face, filled with color once more and resting on a pillow much too large for his head, lips slightly parted as he snored.

It seemed even in the next life Kíli's snoring couldn't be helped. 

What Kíli first realizes when he starts to wake back up is that he’s in a nice warm bed but he’s missing the extra warmth and gratification of having his sister near him. He tries to roll over to and locate her without actually having to open his eyes, when there’s an instant surge of pain through his stomach. He lays back on his back with a hiss, trying to make his brain wake up enough to figure out why he’s hurting so damn much.

And where his One is.

First he’s going to find Fíli then he can deal with the pain since it doesn’t seem to be going away even though he’s laying on his back again.

One brown eyes eases open and looks about. Everything being way oversized for them is what gives their location away for him. They’re in Beorn’s home, which is a good thing he realizes since that’s where they were headed. 

His gaze lands upon his blonde sister, looking so much better than she had when they were leaving the Mirkwood, when everything comes back to him. The fight they had, the orcs, taking the arrow in his gut to save her and eventually him just falling asleep. How long has he been out? It looks like at least long enough for Fíli to get some proper rest, Mahal knows what Beorn did to convince her to actually sleep. She is here though, albeit staring at him like she was seeing him for the first time, which he counts as a blessing, even if it is on the other side of a bed that suddenly feels like it spans all of Middle Earth.

He whimpers a little then when he reaches a hand towards her and couldn’t quite reach her without moving too much. Even though he wants to be close to her, his body refuses to let him move to make that possible.

“Fíli?” He asks gently, his guilt coming back full swing now that he’s not slowly bleeding to death and she isn’t singing to him. 

"My Kíli.. My khahith.." she whispers, sounding reverent as she scoots closer to him. Her eyes are only for him and so she doesn't notice their surroundings, convinced she had been struck and killed by some orc.

Fíli reaches out with a trembling hand to comb her fingers through Kíli's hair, unable to help a tiny flicker of a smile across her face.

"It seems we've finally gone where not even Thorin can reach us," she admitted, pressed so close to him that her head is settled on his pillow, mouths scant inches apart. The dwarf King wouldn't be able to find them until he passed, too, and then she could hope that the gold sickness wouldn't follow.

Unaware that they're both alive and well in Beorn's home, Fíli sighs and brushes their foreheads together, eyes closing to enjoy the simple happiness of having Kíli near.

They open again, though, when her mind's eye shows her Kíli's body, bloodless and lifeless. A reminder of her failure.

"I'm so sorry, Kee. I did everything I could and it still wasn't enough. You were so cold and pale, and I just.. I just snapped. Life without you isn't a life worth living. So I followed you into death."

It sounded so final when she said it that way, but, really what was more final than death? 

Kíli blinked at Fíli a few times, confusion written all over his face. She followed him into death? They were dead? 

But they couldn't _actually_ be dead right? He certainly felt pretty alive and his wound still hurts. If he had to spend the rest of eternity perpetually dealing with the consequences of being shot, he was going to be one really unhappy dwarf. Especially since he couldn't even roll over to embrace his sister. How was he supposed to enjoy the afterlife if he couldn't even get out of bed?

If they really were here though, he's grateful that his One is here with him. Maybe they didn't get to go out as heroes but they got to be together, though he does feel really guilty about dying first and leaving her on her own for even a moment.

“Don't apologize, ûrzuduh. I'm happy you're here with me.” He smiles softly and closes the distance between them to kiss Fíli. It still feels just as good as he remembers and if wasn't still suffering from his arrow wound, he might see if _other_ things still felt just as good too.

"Although when I pictured the afterlife, I never thought it would look so much like Beorn's home. Also I think my afterlife is broken, because I still feel the pain from that orc arrow.” 

Fíli is smiling softly against Kíli's lips, letting herself bask in the moment of getting to be with her One again. Her brain catches up to what he's said, though, and her eyebrows knit, rolling over so she can take a proper look at where they are.

It is most definitely Beorn's cabin from the high wooden ceilings to the furniture that is much too large for them in every way. 

"I don't think your afterlife is broken, Kee. This may not be the afterlife at all," she muses, sitting up and crawling to the edge of the bed to peer down at the floor. Sure enough there's one of the step stools Beorn had given them all while they stayed at his home, to make it easier for them to get in and out of bed without injuring themselves. Their bags and weapons are piled in the corner and on closer inspection she's wearing one of her night dresses, probably put on her after she'd been knocked unconscious so she could rest easy. 

She sits back on her heels and stares dumbly at the room for a moment before bursting out into laughter at her own folly, clutching at her sides. Then she realizes that this means Kíli is alive, and she rounds on him with wide eyes, yanking back the blankets so she can see his wound. It's bandaged heavily with clean white linens and the arrow is gone. She can't smell any infection and when she carefully tugs back the wrappings the skin beneath is a healthy pink, the wound packed with herbs to speed healing and help with the pain.

"You're alive," she murmurs, gaze flitting between the white bandages and her brother's face for a long moment before she punches the pillow beside his head, eyes filling with tears.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again, you little shit! I thought you'd gone and died on me!"

Kíli can't help but laugh a little, they're alive and that's much better than being dead even if that means Thorin can catch up with them again. The tears in his sister's eyes though kill his mirth pretty quickly as he tries to draw her closer while still being mindful of his stomach. He remembers that feeling of loss and hopelessness after she had fallen in the Battle, at least he was going to heal quickly and she was allowed to be here with him. He spent weeks not knowing if Fíli would live or die with Thorin giving him the cold shoulder every time he tried to beg to see her if only for a minute or two.

“'M sorry, Fee. I just wanted to protect you, I didn't mean to scare you,” He apologizes genuinely. He can't say that he won't do it again because he would do it again, a thousand times over if he had to. She was more important to him than anything and either of those two orcs would have killed her which he wasn't going to allow.

“I think we're even now, though,” he whispers. If they could not be almost killed again on this trip that would be a victory in his book.

“You were lying to before though, weren't you? About the orcs getting you in the leg.” Kíli doesn't look at her, just sort of studies his bandages while the guilt he felt before comes back. 

Fíli goes stiff when Kíli brings up her leg again, deciding that now was not the time to be honest about such things.

"No, Kíli, I wasn't. The orcs got me in the leg," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his brow. She had let her judgment be clouded by her emotions. No one responsible for Fíli's injuries done to herself but her. She did them to herself and no one else was to blame for them, especially not her brother.

She drew back and offered him a small smile, fingers trailing through his hair.

"I'll have to fix your braids again. Beorn must have undone them when he cleaned you up," Fíli said to change the subject, looking around at their bedroom again. How long had they been asleep?

Kíli glared at her, unhappy that she was lying to him _again_. He'd let it go the first time because he'd been too weak and tired to fight it. Now though he's rested and starting to feel a little better at least and isn't happy that his sister seems to have forgotten that she can't lie to him.

“Yours came undone too,” he mutters, “it'll have to wait though I can't sit up right now.” He doesn't look up at her, instead watching his finger as it traced along the top of his bandages. They looked like they had been recently changed and he wondered if they had to be changed again soon.

“If you did get hit by an orc let me see it. I want to make sure you're okay too,” he challenges. If she lies to him, he's going to... well he doesn't know because there isn't much he can do right now. Kíli wants to be able to just get up and storm out but he's bedridden so he's basically left with just being angry.

"Just leave it be, Kíli!" Fíli snaps, glaring at her brother hard to make him aware there was no argument here. She sighed and looked away, a hand resting on her bandaged thigh.

"I need you to listen to me when I say it was an orc. Okay, Kíli?"

She couldn't deal with this right now. Not after believing she'd lost everything and got it all back again in one fell swoop. She needed Kíli to just let it drop and agree it was an orc wound because Fíli couldn't handle this. Not just yet.

"I'm sorry for yelling. But you just have to let it go right now, Kee. I can't do this right now. So please."

“Fine,” Kíli growls, crossing his arms over his chest. He wants to roll over so he at least doesn’t have to face her but he can’t do that with the pain in his stomach. If he figures out that there are more things he can’t do right now he might scream. He’s not sure if it’s the feeling of being trapped to this damn bed or being pushed away by Fíli that bothers him more. Being pushed away and yelled at on top of it all especially when she’s the one that’s lying to him.

He’ll let it drop for now though, he won’t agree that it’s an orc wound when it’s so obviously not but he won’t talk it about it for now. 

If he truly wanted to be petty he wouldn’t talk about anything at all or maybe lie to her and see how she likes it. 

The archer chooses not to do any of those things, since he is supposed to be an adult and neither lying nor being silent are going to help.

“Why don’t you see if you can find Beorn then, since I can’t. We need to how long we’ve been out and how much longer we have until Thorin figures out we aren’t coming back,” He says evenly and very pointedly not looking at her. 

Fíli whirls on him, having had it up to her ears with his attitude. Even after all they'd been through in the last.. who knew how long since she'd seen him fall to the orc's blade, he still wouldn't respect her or her wishes.

"You know what? Why don't _you_ stop acting like a spoiled brat every time you don't get your way?" she hissed, hurt in her eyes as she turned to glare daggers at him, blue eyes blazing with it. 

"What you still don't seem to get is that my body belongs to me. As Wrong and broken as it is, it's still mine, and if hurting it is what I want to do then I'll damn well do it. All you've done since we left Erebor is make demands of me, and tell me I should do this, and I shouldn't do that. Well guess what? My body is my own and if this is what I want to do with it then you can't stop me, Thorin!"

Her breath catches in her throat when she finishes speaking, panting as she stared wide eyed at Kíli, hands shaking. She swallowed and looked away from her brother, staring at the clumsy stitching of their bedspread.

"I thought you died, Kíli. I held your body and you were so pale and cold. Every time I close my eyes for even a second all I can see is you, white and lifeless in my arms," she whispered brokenly, trembling as she pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes, trying to rub the picture away by force.

"I was convinced I'd failed you. That I'd fallen asleep while you slipped away on my lap. That I'd failed Mother. You were gone and so was all the light and the happiness in the world, Kee. I stripped off my armor and carried you halfway back to the Mirkwood before Beorn must have knocked me out. I was going to find the spiders, Kee. I was going to let them eat me alive so I would suffer before I died, suffer the punishment I deserved for letting you die."

Unable to escape the stain of Kíli's body she opened her eyes again, breath hitching.

"So please. I can't right now. I can't talk about what happened before this moment. All I can think about is how all the warmth and life seemed to leave the world around me because you were no longer in it. I have to focus on right now, and you being alive, before I go mad with grief. Please." 

“Okay Fíli, it's an orc wound until you say otherwise. Now can I ask that you leave me alone for a bit or is that trying to tell you what to do too?” Kíli resigns gently. He feels like he's just been slapped in the face and that was without her calling him _Thorin_.

His stomach turns and suddenly he feels like he might be sick.

He wasn't that bad, was he? He'd never do or demand the things of Fíli that the King had. He just didn't want to see her hurt or suffering for him anymore, that's how he thought being someone's One was supposed to be. He guesses that means he's wrong if all he gets is yelled at for it. 

The archer decides to just leave her completely alone about her injuries and other health related things. 

“I'm tired, so I'm just going to sleep some more.” He sighs and pulls the blanket up to nose as he rolls onto his side. The action of it hurts considerably but once he settles it's dull enough that he thinks he can sleep like this for a while. At least it gets him off his back for a while and hides the tears welling in his eyes from Fíli, well that's just a bonus.

Fíli stares at him open mouthed when he rolls away from her, unable to believe that he was still acting like this. Why couldn't he just let be without making her feel guilty for doing what she needed to do for her own good? 

She let the mask of the Crown Prince slip into place so he wouldn't see just how badly she was hurting, her expression neutral.

"Fine, Kíli. You can be alone as long as you want. When you're done making me feel like the worst sibling in middle earth for being incapable of dealing with having seen you die last time I was awake, I'll be outside," she said coolly, sliding off the bed and grabbing her bag from the pile in the corner. Fíli said things that only ended in trouble and hurt. So she'd be the Crown Prince again, who said only pretty things and made everyone happy. 

She let the door close behind her with a heavy thud, changing from the nightdress into a white gown with a green skirt and corset over it, fingers shaking with hurt and anger as she laced it up. She wanted to take her hunting knife to her thigh until it was in ribbons but she resisted the urge for now, taking step after shaky step until she's outside in Beorn's garden, filled with summer flowers and the sound of bees and birds. 

Fíli sits herself down in the middle of it all, letting the life and energy surround her and soothe her, reminding her that Kíli was alive, that he wasn't gone beyond her reach. She knew sleeping was a bad idea but she was just so tired and the sun overhead was warm, the buzz of honeybees soft and inviting. Before she could even try to resist she was out cold, curled up in the middle of Beorn's garden.

When she woke later it would be to the sound of her own screaming.

Kíli bites back the urge to yell that she was the one that just called him _Thorin_ and he's pretty sure it doesn't get any worse than that. He keeps his mouth shut though, so far he hasn't said anything right. He gives her what she wants and doesn't question where the injury on her leg actually came from and he's making her feel like worst sibling in Middle Earth?

He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand anything that's happened in the past...whatever days. He just wants to go back to that first night in Mirkwood, the first and apparently last time she needed him to care about her.

Before he had somehow turned into their crazy King and Uncle.

The archer closes his eyes but doesn't really sleep, there's too much going on in his head for that to happen. There are dark things floating about, stories that while two dwarves may be each other's One, that doesn't guarantee things will work between them. He pushes that out of his head though, things have worked between the pair of them for a very long time. They just have to get through this rough patch and things will be okay again.

They will because he refuses to think about what would happen if they couldn't work things out between them.

He's not sure how long he lays there before he hears his sister screaming. He's out of the bed and across the room grabbing his sword before he knows it, his stomach screaming with pain. He doesn't care that it hurts or that he might possibly reopen it, Fíli is in trouble and that's all that matters. 

Kíli follows the sound to the garden, slightly confused that she's there alone having expected someone attacking her, and kneels in front of his sister. He pushes some of the golden hair out of her face, eyes scanning for an injury or something that would have her reacting like this.

“Fee? Fíli? What happened? What's wrong?” He asks quickly, worry and panic written all over his face.

Fíli goes rigid the moment Kíli's face enters her line of vision, staring up at him with eyes that are filled with tears, breathless with shock.

"You're alive," she whispers, hands shaking as they reach up to bury in Kíli's hair, touching over his brow and cheeks as if afraid he was about to disappear on her. 

"I saw you die. I saw you die a hundred times and there was nothing I could do to save you, Kee."

Her face crumples and she throws her arms around her brother's neck, clutching at him as if her own life depended on it, eyes still wide open for fear of closing them and seeing his pale, bloodless face once more. She buries her face against his temple and breathes in his scent, desperate for proof that he was really here and it wasn't a dream.

"I'm so sorry, my love.. I'm so sorry I failed you, that I let you get hurt. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry," she whispered into his hair, combing her fingers through the strands more to calm herself than Kíli. 

Kíli relaxes a little when it's obvious that Fíli isn't physically injured and that's safe. It's also about the same time that his insides to feel like they're on fire so he pulls her close as he lays back against the grass. He shifts her just enough that she's laying across his chest and not on his stomach, running a hand up and down her back.

“You didn't fail me, sannamad, and you didn't _let_ me get hurt either. You did the best you could at the time. It's easy to look back and say you should have, would've, could have. You didn't know that the archer was standing behind the one I killed and neither did I.” He thinks all of this sounds achingly familiar and realizes that is because Balin said the same things to him when he was going out of his mind with worry after Fíli fell.

“I was protecting you like you're always protecting me. That's what siblings do right? That's what we've always done. You protected me after I was injured, you killed all those other orcs when I couldn't. You were amazing! I should be me apologizing for not paying attention and putting you through that.” He presses kisses along the top of her head. After the Battle he had hoped and prayed that she would never have to go through the same thing he did, too bad those prayers were ignored.

“I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you,” he whispers.

Fíli chuckles softly at that, drying her tears on his tunic. It feels so strange to be lying here like this with him in Beorn's garden, surrounded on all sides by flowers and the smell of honeysuckle.

"Don't count yourself out, Kee. You're so strong and brave. Even without me you would have somehow gotten by, though you'd be even more wild without me to reign you in as a child," she manages to tease, feeling a little less like the world's fallen around her ankles with his heart beating steadily beneath her ear. 

She slips her arm over his chest so she can lean up on her elbow, unable to tear her gaze away from his face, filled with color and life. Pressing their foreheads together she allows herself a moment of comfort, trying to memorize this image to replace the one haunting her.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I'm just.. Thorin's the only dwarf I've ever fought with before. I'm used to yelling at him, not you. So his named slipped out on reflex," she murmured softly, fingers rubbing in the soft hair at Kíli's temples. 

“I thought you said that because you thought I was turning into him and I didn't know how to deal with that or that you said you were going to hurt yourself anyway,” Kíli admits to her, a little embarrassed and a little hurt.

“I'm sorry about making you feel like a terrible sister. You're the best sister ever, I could never ask for anyone better.”

“It's just... I love you and I don't like seeing you hurt or suffering, no matter what the cause is. I just want you to be happy and healthy, but you were right. It's your body and if you say you're fine then I should listen. If you tell me to leave you alone about a wound then I should listen and I promise I will. Just remember I almost lost you once too, okay? I watched as an orc almost stole you from me too.” His eyes go a little misty thinking about it and he needs to nuzzle against her to help bring him back to the present.

“I just want to help, however you'll let me. I like feeling like you need me, even if you really don't.”

"I know you do, Kee.. And I'll always need you. I always _have_ needed you. It just.. takes a bit of getting used to, admitting it, is all," she sighed into his hair, face buried in the crown of his head. She wraps her arms around him tight, unwilling to let him go when they finally seem to be getting somewhere.

"Hurting myself is... it's just a thing I have to do sometimes. If I don't hurt me then I hurt other people, or I do something stupid and risky. And they're reminders that I'm weak, that I can't properly deal with all the bad things in my life like normal dwarves, and I hate them. I hate talking about them. I hate acknowledging why they're there because it just means admitting I was weak and gave in. Talking about them just makes me want to hurt myself even more, and I don't want to do that."

It made her ache even admitting this much, fingers tightening around handfuls of brown hair to restrain herself from the need to hurt her body again. She hated feeling as if she had to punish herself for every moment of weakness and worst of all she hated that it was Thorin who ultimately made her this way. 

But that was done, now. Thorin wasn't here. Kíli was. She was about to start a new life with her One, and Thorin couldn't stop them.

"I love you, too, my khahith. So very much," she murmured, brushing her lips over his forehead.

Kíli pulled his head back from Fíli’s, just enough to look at her, remorse filling his brown eyes and painting his features.

“I didn’t know that. Oh ûrzuduh, if I knew that I wouldn’t have pushed you or acted like such a spoiled brat. I just knew that you were lying and I was hurt that you thought that would work. I won’t ask or push you to talk about them anymore I promise,” He apologizes before he gently bumps their foreheads together. He never once thought that he could be making the situation worse in trying to get her to talk about her thigh. He never once thought that she would hate her scars so much that talking about them made her want to hurt herself even more.

Kíli kisses her nose before he pulls her close and runs his fingers through her hair, sort of enjoying the way it hangs without her braids in.

“Uhm, actually I’m going to break my promise to just ask one question about them and then I swear I’ll be done. That first night we spent in the Mirkwood, I kissed them remember? Is that okay or should I not do that anymore?” He asks gingerly. In his head at least it makes sense to ask now rather than later, just so he had the answer as a future reference instead of figuring that out too late. 

Fíli gives him a tiny smile, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth and sighing softly.

"I didn't.. I don't mind that, really. It felt kind of nice. I'm just.. Well I'm really bad at talking about them. About anything to do with what I'm feeling, really," she admits, looking distant as she stared down at him, fingertips brushing over the faint freckling on his cheeks from being in the sun.

"I spent my whole life wanting to be strong like Uncle Thorin and Dwalin. They were the epitome of dwarfliness that we always knew we had to aspire to. And there's no one in middle earth better at stifling their feelings and avoiding all talk of emotions than those two. I don't know how they even make a relationship work with how stiff and tight lipped they are."

She sighed and drew a vague shape on Kíli's cheekbone, mouth quirking up in a faint grin.

"So it isn't that I don't want to talk to you about things, Kee. I'm just.. very, very bad at it. My whole life has been 'suck it up and move on' and it's hard to get out of that mindset after a while. Thorin was too busy trying to feed us to listen to my problems, and you were still too young to really grasp them. So eventually I learned that I had to just stifle them and get over it, because there was no other choice. And I'm trying, my khahith. I promise I'm really trying. It's just going to take a while before I can do it."

Kíli smiled a little at the thought of his brooding Uncle and Dwalin trying to talk emotions. He thought of them both turning into giant stuffed animals behind closed doors, cuddling like he and Fíli did and having those sickeningly sweet pet names like some dwarves had for each other. He had to fight back a laugh and stopped thinking about the pair behind closed doors before his mind wandered into territory it really didn't need to be in.

“I'd like it if you talked to me about things and you're doing a pretty good job right now. I won't make you talk about things if you really don't want to though.” He may not have dealt with all the things that she has in her life but he knows how aggravating it can be to want to be left alone and no one will give that to you. He runs his fingers down her back and back up again, simply enjoying the sunshine and having Fíli close again.

“You said that all I've been doing is making demands of you since we left the mountain. Have I really been that bad?” He thinks about telling her that they weren't leaving the Mirkwood until she had slept and then wanting her to explain her injury but other than that he's drawing a blank. 

Fíli sighed and scrunched her nose up, fighting the automatic urge to shut down and avoid this conversation. She hated conflict, she hated talking about conflict, and she especially hated talking about conflict she'd been part of.

"You acted like I was an invalid child, Kee, and said we weren't leaving until you decided I was well enough to travel. It made me feel like you didn't even care that I felt perfectly capable of handling the situation myself. You refused to listen to me when I said I would be fine by the next morning. All that happened was I had eaten too much at breakfast that morning, something that Thranduil said would cause me discomfort. I'd felt nauseous all day and that combined with the heat and sparring with Tauriel was what made me black out. But you wouldn't even give me five seconds to explain that to you before you were shutting me down. Just because you see me as female now, Kíli, doesn't mean I'm any less capable of taking care of myself or knowing my own limits," she said slowly, trying to be as clear as possible so there wouldn't be any more misunderstandings, blue eyes sharp as they study her brother's face for his reaction.

"And then you started saying that I was stupid, and that you didn't need me or want me anymore and stormed out after I tried to tell you I just wanted a sense of normalcy when I insisted on practicing with Tauriel, and that I wanted to spend the day with you doing normal things that dwarves do when they're no longer stuffy Crown Princes trapped under their Uncle's thumb. Can you understand why that may have made me a little angry and upset with you?"

“You did tell me to leave,” Kíli murmurs, “but yes I understand.” He also understood that he really was a brat.

“I would have acted the same way if you were a male too, Fee. I've never seen you faint before and I was terrified. I think Tauriel was seriously considering slapping me to get me to calm down.” He kicks himself mentally for not apologizing before they left for the way he acted towards the Captain when his sister had gone down. He could write her he supposes but he doesn't want Thorin to somehow find it and figure out where they are. Maybe Lord Elrond would know someone who was going to the Mirkwood that wouldn't mind passing on a message for him.

“Thranduil said it was because you were exhausted and I latched onto that. When you said that we were leaving anyway... I don't know... It was like you were saying that you didn't care if you put me through that again. That my concerns didn't matter.” He chews the inside corner of his lip and does his best not to think about how she had barely lived the last time he'd watched her fall before him.

“'M sorry, Fee. I know you're stronger than me, in more ways than one. I'm just bad at showing my concerns now that I can because you know that you're my One.” 

Fíli sighs and shakes her head, finger tracing along the arch of Kíli's eyebrow.

"I'm not stronger than you, nadad. It's just a different kind of strength. But thank you for understanding. Your concerns matter to me, they always have. But I need you to trust me to know my own limits. I'm stubborn but I'm not needlessly reckless like a certain Uncle we both know."

Her lips quirk up in a smile at that, playfully biting at her brother's chin. It was already getting a bit stubbled, as was her own face. They'd need to shave again soon before leaving Beorn's, and wasn't that a weird thought?

"Your injuries, on the other hand, are a different matter. While I can sleep on Farin's back, riding Daisy will only aggravate your wound and cause it to take even longer to heal, which will make you more vulnerable if we're attacked again. So we'll take time here to recover, until you're well enough to defend yourself if needed. And it will give me time to rest, as well, and build back up to eating proper meals before we cross the mountains."

The Misty Mountains would likely be the most dangerous and difficult part of their journey to the Shire and it didn't need to be made more impossible by adding an injured Kíli and an exhausted Fíli on top of that.

"Besides, we have some time before our trail is uncovered. Before we left I asked King Thranduil to send any who come looking for us astray. If Dwalin or any other follow our tracks into the forest, Tauriel will find them, and Thranduil will say that we came seeking supplies for our long, _long_ journey to Gondor," she added, grinning wickedly. Thorin and Dwalin were going to regret teaching her things like this soon enough.

Kíli watches Fíli for a second, about to argue that the sooner they leave the better but she does have a point. As of right now he can barely sit up for a few minutes before he starts to hurt so he'd be absolute shit if they ran into more orcs or anything else. Both of them need rest and his sister seems to have found the perfect way to do just that.

“My clever sannamad,” he grins before leaning up enough to press a kiss to the love bruise on her throat, “we might have our own hobbity hole or cabin by the time they figure out we aren't in Gondor.” He chuckles and tucks some of her blonde hair behind her ear. He can almost see Dwalin going red like he had when Kíli was little and refused to listen to the gruff dwarf the moment he figures out that they were never in Gondor to start with. He didn't think that Thorin would ever leave the gold in Erebor to look for them himself. Mahal, the King might not even care if they even return at all.

He shakes his head to get rid of thoughts of any dwarf that isn't his sister.

“So if I can't ride a pony right now, I'm sure you're going to tell me that there are _other_ things we can't do because I'm injured?” He mock pouts, sticking his lower lip out as far as it can go while he traces a finger around the mark he'd left on her neck during their coupling in Mirkwood.

Fíli could say whatever she wanted, it feels like ages since they've been together and it finally feels like there isn't a giant chasm between them anymore.

She snorts and grabs at his hand, only to press little kisses on each fingertip, a smile playing across her lips.

"There are definitely other things we can't do because you're injured. It would hardly do to fool around and end up opening your wound," Fíli sighed, nuzzling her face into his palm. The sun felt warm against her back and the grass was soft beneath them. She wondered if it'd be like this when they were in the Shire, finally. 

"Beorn must be out patrolling for orcs. He has to know that they're skulking around from your injury," she hummed thoughtfully, laying her head back down on Kíli's chest so she can listen to his heart beating steadily there, fingers tapping out a rhythm against his tunic. She was sure he'd show up soon enough. Lunch had to be soon judging from where the sun was in the sky and Beorn had never been one to miss a meal when they'd met him the year before.

She owed him a thousand lifetimes worth of thanks for saving them. He owed them nothing, certainly not after saving them from death in the Battle, as well, and yet he'd still saved them. 

"Beorn must have found the ponies, considering our bags are all here. They probably wandered down the road after they bolted and ended up here, and that's how he knew to come looking for us."

It certainly made more sense than the skin changer just magically showing up at the right time.

Kíli really does pout now, severely disappointed that there won't be any make up sex, or anything else, for a while. He felt fine right now just laying in the grass and he could think of a few things that would require minimal effort on his part. Reopening his wound in the middle of it all though would be a horrible mood killer. 

He sighs a little and lets it go. At least they still got to have a later and he would get a good night's rest with her next to him, unlike that last night in Mirkwood.

“That would make sense,” he says as he rubs her scalp with his fingertips, the other hand he tucks behind his head. With the sun warming him and his sister laying on his chest, if Beorn didn't come back soon he might fall asleep out here. Even though he had been asleep for at least a day, he still felt like he could sleep for the next week.

“We really do need to find him and figure out how long we were out, even if we have a great deal of time before anyone figures out where we actually are. I'd like to know how many days we lost.” He also wants to thank Beorn for saving his life, if what Fíli said was anything to go by, the skin changer found them just in the nick of time.

“Maybe there's something we can do for him too since we'll be staying a while.”

Fíli hums at that, trailing fingers over the stitching of Kíli's tunic.

"Perhaps helping with the garden or something," she agreed, leaning up so she can steal a kiss from him, enjoying the moment of peace. She had almost lost Kíli. Nothing else mattered right then, not even their savior or any potential favors they'd owe him.

She sighed softly as she deepened the kiss, licking her way into her brother's mouth and tangling a hand in his hair, keeping it slow and soft for now. It wouldn't do to tell Kíli they couldn't have sex and then tease him. Especially with how injured he was, and his proclivity for 'think later do now' actions.

"Just kissing," she warned when she drew back for air, staring at him hard to emphasize her point before nuzzling his cheek, lips brushing across the rough stubble.

Kíli has just the briefest flicker of hope that maybe Fíli has changed her mind but the warning and stern look he gets quickly kill that.

“Just kissing,” he repeats to himself. He could be content with that right? Maybe not but he didn’t really have a choice. He’d curse arrows or archers but that seemed like a bad idea considering he was an archer himself. Orcs though were a different matter entirely. Damn orcs.

“Just for a few days right?” He asks hopefully. Kíli could do a few days pretty easily, at least he thinks he can. He just has to find something to occupy his time.

Oh! He could carve Fíli a bead! Maybe while she’s helping Beorn do whatever he wants help with so it can be a surprise. He could draw out the process to a day or two, it has been a while since he’s worked with wood so he’ll need to practice first. Then he has to plan and find a good chunk of wood. Yes, this might work perfectly for a distraction. So long as he can keep his sister from finding out.

“I missed you,” the brunet whispers, turning his head to nuzzle against hers. 

Fíli chuckled warmly and left a trail of kisses along his jaw, lips brushing across the sensitive shell of his ear.

"I missed you, too, my sannadadith. But still no fooling around until it won't make you cry with pain," she teased softly, capturing his mouth once more and licking her way inside, taking her time to get reacquainted with every inch before drawing back, smiling down at him.

"You look better in the sunshine than you ever did in the gloom of the mountain," she murmured, tracing her fingers over his freckles again, absently counting them. Freckles he'd gotten from decades spent running about in the sunshine. Freckles he'd never have gotten had they been born in the mountain.

"Why'd we ever agree to help Thorin on this mad quest? We were so happy in Ered Luin."

She knew the reason why, of course. She'd wanted to be Thorin's loyal, dutiful nephew, wanted to be the Prince she'd been raised to be and finally make him proud of her. That plan had backfired rather spectacularly, especially when Kíli decided he was also coming on the journey.

"Could say the same about you,” Kíli smiles and runs his fingers through her hair. He's not sure if it's just because she's out of the mountain, away from Thorin, and finally starting to eat regularly and get some decent sleep but she looks better than she has in his recent memory. Maybe it's because she's here, laying on his chest with the sunlight catching in her blonde hair, looking at him like he's the most precious thing in the world.

Maybe it's a bit of both but she looks amazing. Which makes him that much more determined to get a bead done for her as soon as he can.

“Because you were his heir and if you were going, I wasn't about to let you go without me. I told Thorin that he'd better tie me to a tree if he didn't want me to go and I already knew that his first stop was the Shire. Wouldn't have been that hard to catch up.” He was a hunter by nature and knew Fíli's tracks better than anyone's. It would only be a matter of time before he had caught up so either way Thorin was going to have to deal with him.

“It probably would have taken us a lot longer to admit our feelings if we had stayed though,” he muses. They wouldn't have had to deal with Fíli being married off or sold to Dain, which were the catalysts to where they were now.

“I rather like being able to do this right now,” Kíli leans up and steals a kiss from her to prove his point. No one along their path to the Shire cared that they were siblings and no one in the Shire had to know.

Fíli purses her lips, not at all surprised by this little piece of information.

"You would threaten to follow us. You were always following me around like a little duckling once you got your feet under you. Stuck to my side like a burr day and night. Could hardly get you to detach from the hem of my tunic long enough to take a piss," she laughed, scooching up so she can comfortably sit on his thighs, admiring how nice Kíli looks with his brown hair splayed out under his head on the grass.

Anything else she has planned to say is cut off by a deep, rumbling voice calling their names in greeting, and Fíli peeks over the tops of the flower bushes they'd taken refuge in to see Beorn striding down the path to his cottage, a grin on his face.

"There you are, little bunnies. I was wondering if you were going to wake up soon," he said boisterously, earning an open mouthed stare from Fíli.

"L-Little bunnies? I thought Bilbo was the little bunny," she protested, not at all sure she was keen on this new nickname. It'd been funny enough watching Bilbo's increasingly distressed protests at the title, but it wasn't so much when it was aimed at them.

Beorn shrugged and gestured for them to join him inside the cabin.

"The hobbit is not here, so now you are my smallest guests. That makes you my little bunnies," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Fíli huffs at this but relents considering the skinchanger had saved their lives, standing and helping her brother to his feet. She supposes he's earned the right to use a silly nickname.

Kíli chuckles a little at the pay back they're getting for laughing at Bilbo over a year ago before it turns into a hiss as he makes his way back to standing. He makes sure to grab his sword on the way back up too. He may be an archer but that doesn't mean he's going to leave his sword out here to rust.

He finds that prefers laying down to standing although walking hunched over a little helps a bit. So does using an arm around his sister's waist and his sword as supports as the walk into the cabin. Maybe he wasn't feeling as good as he thought he was when he'd been laying down. It also puts a kink in his plans to start looking for wood for Fíli's courting bead. How could he find something nice if he couldn't even walk?

“I knew I loved you the best even then,” he whispers in her ear before kissing her cheek and heading inside.

There's already the smell of things baking in the air, which might have been there earlier but he hadn't really had the time to notice. It makes his stomach growl though and he feels like he hasn't eaten in days, which actually might be right.

“Thank you for taking us in again, Beorn, and patching me up.”

Beorn grunted in response as he disappeared into the kitchen and Fíli takes the chance to lead Kíli back to bed, careful of his injuries while she tucks him in.

"We'll see about sitting at the table tomorrow, but for now it's best that you lie still," she sighed, brushing his hair back from his forehead and giving him a fond look.

"Have to fix your braids up proper again, too. I was just getting used to seeing you without your hair all in your face."

Her tone is light and teasing and she presses a kiss to his forehead before standing and going to investigate what Beorn's made, trying to keep in mind Thranduil had warned she'd want to eat small meals until her body adjusted to eating properly again.

"How did you find us? The ponies, I assume?" she asked softly when she entered the kitchen. She was worried Beorn might react poorly to the fact she was in a dress, since the large man would definitely remember she had a distinctly male body. But if it bothered him at all he'd yet to say. She did expect he'd want their story soon, though. The skin changer loved a good story.

“Your ponies along with the smell of blood and of _orcs_.” Beorn growled low in his throat. He hated the dark creatures and the wargs they rode on as much as he hated the goblins. They were all death and destruction.

“I was surprised to see so many taken down by only the two of you,” he chuckles, raising an eyebrow at the blonde as he puts honey, bread, clotted cream and berries onto a tray to take to the one that had been injured, the younger bunny. Neither of them had eaten in the past two days and he remembered just how much food the dwarves had eaten the first time they had come to his home.

He couldn't remember their names, though. There had been thirteen dwarves and a hobbit last time and with the little time he spent with them, it was hard to remember exactly which two these ones were. So, in Beorn's mind they would simply be bunnies.

The skin-changer gestured to the blonde bunny to grab two mugs of ale before he picked up the tray and lead them towards where the other bunny was.

“I hope there is a good story behind how the two of you ended up on this side of the Mirkwood, considering it was just over a year ago that you were headed the other direction.” He watched the younger bunny as they came into the room as he licked his lips and tried to sit up, only to slip back down again. 

“And one that explains why you are dressed as you are,” he raises a dark eyebrow at the blonde bunny. He may not remember either of their names but he does distinctly remember that none of the dwarves that had visited him being female.

Fíli winced at that, but refused to back down from the larger man's steady gaze, pulling herself up onto the bed so she can sit beside her brother and eat. 

"My brother and I are the finest dwarven warriors. Twenty odd orcs wouldn't be the worst we've ever faced," she sighed, smoothing her palm over the front of her laced corset with a sort of fondness.

"And I am dressed this way because.. Well because I am female."

Beorn's eyebrow arches again, indicating he was aware that wasn't the whole truth. He had changed them out of their filthy clothing, after all, and cleaned their wounds.

"I am female, but with the body of a male," she amended, and to her relief Beorn seemed to accept this. He was a skinchanger, after all. A woman with a male body was probably not the strangest thing he'd ever come across in his lifetime.

"And why are you here and not home in your mountain?" Beorn asked, his voice surprisingly gentle as he looked over the pair of them, Kíli eating as if he'd never tasted anything so good before in his life and Fíli, far too skinny and looking distantly at a strawberry as if it had all the answers to her problems.

"We.. We could not stay there any longer. Our Uncle has lost his mind to the gold sickness and.. he was going to renounce me as his heir and have us separated by selling me into slavery in the Iron Hills."

It wasn't the whole truth, but it was true enough that she hoped Beorn would not question it. He'd accepted her manner of dress without much contention, but there was no guarantee he'd view their too close bond with the same amount of approval. Better to feel the waters first before diving right into it.

Kíli looked between the giant skin-changer and his sister, chewing slowly as Beorn watched them in turn. He didn't seem happy to hear this news and the dwarf wondered if he regretted helping them the first time around. The archer sort of regretted coming along, he wouldn't blame Beorn if he also bore regret.

“He would sell his own kin to slavery? His greed will surely bring another dragon,” he growled. Kíli nodded solemnly, thinking that it might just take Erebor falling again before Thorin snapped out of it. Maybe the dwarves in the mountain wouldn't allow that to happen again and overthrow their King. If that happened, he hoped to Mahal they showed the King the mercy that he hadn't shown them since they arrived.

“So you left your mountain to escape your Uncle and found yourselves surrounded by orcs when the little bunny was shot,” he says as he takes a seat on a chair in the corner of the room. Kíli would have protested that he wasn't little, he _is_ an adult by his people's standards, but his mouth is stuffed so full that his cheeks are puffed out. He settles for some aggressive chewing and nodding.

“Are you also running because he doesn't like you being female instead of male?” The archer's mouth is still too full to say anything but he shakes his head anyway, even though Beorn wasn't really asking him.

Fíli shook her head as well, a faint bitter smile on her face.

"No, he shut me down on that many years ago. It has only been since our escape from the mountain that I felt it was acceptable to be who I am," she murmured, the smile becoming a little wider as she chuckles.

"I sure hope it doesn't bring another dragon. Balin will be furious. We only just finished cleaning out all the dragon dung and animal carcasses."

Bilbo would probably be pissed, too. Whack Thorin with his letter opener, maybe, and complain about how all his hard work had gone to waste. 

She was surprised at how much she missed their fierce little hobbit. But they'd see him soon enough.

"We're going to the Shire, to live with the other little bunny, Bilbo. We figured it was the last place our Uncle would send people to look for us, and hobbits aren't that much smaller than us. With our faces shaved we could almost pass for hobbits if we really tried, so long as they don't look at our feet."

Well Fíli might at any rate. Kíli was tall even by dwarven standards at four feet eleven inches, but was definitely taller than a hobbit. Fíli on the other hand topped out at a modest four feet six inches, only a little taller than their burglar and his fellow hobbits. 

"We hope to find work and shelter there, until they tire of us at least. It'll be safe, and Kíli and I can live in peace."

“If what Bilbo said about Thorin's treatment of him was true, I have no doubt that you will be safe there,” Beorn says sounding just a little sad. The skinchanger wasn't there to witness it for himself but the way the hobbit spoke of it made him think that it was true. Also it had been very clear that the wizard had been very angry with Bilbo's treatment.

“I'm sure the hobbits would appreciate having someone around to fashion them buttons,” he chuckles, remembering how Bilbo had lamented the loss of his buttons when he'd come to his home the first time.

“Fíli can do that!” Kíli says grinning when he swallows all the food he had shoveled into his mouth.

“They'll probably ask her to make garden tools and things too. We just have to learn to behave like they do or they might chase us out,” he shrugs. He thinks he can at least pretend to be as stuffy as Bilbo always said his family was, while they were out and about in the Shire. No one would care if they acted like dwarves behind closed doors and if they did, then they would know which neighbors where spying on them.

Beorn laughs at that, a deep rumbling thing that the archer swears he feels in his own chest.

“You were heirs to the throne, you should be able to deal with proper hobbits.”

Fíli snorts around a mouthful of bread and honey, leveling an amused stare at the larger man.

"We were heirs to a _dwarven_ throne. We're far underprepared for dealing with proper hobbits in every way."

She grins and leans back against the headboard of the bed, a strawberry with clotted cream held in her hand.

"Bilbo probably still has nightmares about us all throwing his dishes around, poor thing."

This was nice, she decided, getting to joke and laugh again. It felt like it'd been a lifetime since she'd properly enjoyed a meal with a friend. She'd always been rushed, or ate alone in her room while she worked. And soon enough she'd be sharing meals with her One and Bilbo, who was a dearer friend than she ever expected him to be. The rest of her life spent with friends and loved ones, with the grass beneath her feet and her brother's smiling face. She could get used to that pretty quickly.

She turned her smile on Beorn and ducked her head to him, eyes soft.

"Thank you, Beorn, for saving our lives. We owe you a great debt, my friend, one that I hope we can repay some day," she murmured solemnly.

“Or nightmares about finding the pantry empty, house a mess, and all of us sitting in front of the hearth,” Kíli laughs. He was never sure what bothered the hobbit more, the tossing around of his precious dishes or the state that they left his pantry. The dwarf tried to tell Bilbo that it was for the better, this way at least he wouldn't have to worry about throwing out rotting food when he got home. The hobbit had been unamused but he did eventually agree.

“You are welcome. There may be a few things that you could help with around my home that would be a great service to me and help pass your days since you won't be able to leave until the little bunny's stomach heals. I'll have to start spending more time away with the orcs attacking you so close to my lands, so I'll require some assistance to keep things running smoothly here. We can speak more of that tomorrow though, today you both still need your rest, although you will be resting for some time yet,” Beorn says, looking at Kíli, as he stands and puts a honey dipped bread into his mouth.

“I'll be back for supper my bunnies,” He chuckles and heads out of the room.

“'M not little,” Kíli grumps when the door closes, popping a few raspberries in his mouth. Well maybe to Beorn he was small in stature but it wasn't the archer's fault that the skin-changer was so freakishly large.

Fíli snorts and waggles her eyebrow at Kíli, waiting until Beorn closes their door behind him before sliding over to straddle his waist, leaning in to steal a kiss from him.

"My little bunny tastes like sweet cream and honey," she whispered against his lips, sliding her arms around him so she can tuck herself close, careful not to put any weight on his healing wound. Perhaps Beorn had a good idea with this little bunny business. It was rather cute to imagine her brother with rabbit ears. He already had the blank bunny stare down. 

She refrains from eating any more so she doesn't make herself sick, but she does avail herself of the pint of ale Beorn had left, humming pleasantly at the wash of alcohol over her tongue. He'd been ages since she'd had the chance to properly drink. 

"Beorn's ale tastes even better than the stuff we have back home," she muses, smacking her lips. Maybe it was the giant bees.

“I think you're the little bunny here, Fee. I _am_ taller than you and you taste like strawberries and cream,” Kíli reminds her with a gentle poke to her ribs. He let his hands rest on her hips, loving her being above him like this. Even if all he's tempted to do is roll them both over and show her how not little he is.

The next few days might be longer than he thought.

“They don't have huge bees back home to make them honey either,” he informs her before stealing a drink from her cup. Sure, he could just grab the other pint but it was more fun this way. Whatever his sister had always seemed to taste better than what he had anyway, even if it was the same exact thing. 

He did agree that this ale was much better than anything he'd had before. Considering he used to try to drink his feelings for Fíli away almost nightly, he thinks he probably has a more informed opinion on the matter. The brunet keeps his mouth shut about that though.

“Do you think it would be too much to ask if we can bring Bilbo a jar of honey? He really liked it last time we were here. It'd probably help to him that we aren't there for any sort of revenge or something.” He asks looking at her, thumbs absentmindedly tracing circles over his sister's thighs.

"Mm, brother, I'm sure he'd love a jar of honey, but I don't think the jar would make it through the mountains let alone all the way to the Shire," she chuckled, undoing the ties of his tunic and tugging it open to bare her brother's chest to her attentions, eyes flitting over the stark white of the bandages against his skin. They had both grown so pale living inside the mountain. It'd be nice to see a healthy color back in Kíli's face again.

"Besides, you're assuming that there'll be any honey left after we're done."

She grinned wicked at Kíli before dribbling some of the sticky golden sweet across his nipples, letting it properly settle and spread before leaning down to drag the flat of her tongue through the mess, purring.

"I think it tastes better this way," she whispered, nuzzling her nose through the soft hair on his chest and licking away another stray droplet of honey. Her fingers sneak between them to work at the ties on his trousers, arching an eyebrow at Kíli's sharp intake of breath.

"I only said no sex. That doesn't mean I can't play a little bit."

Kíli thinks he should probably feel a little bad about not being able to bring honey to the hobbit but at the same time he really isn't about to complain about the way Fíli was currently using it. If this was how the rest of the honey was going to be eaten, then Bilbo was just going to have to go without. He also had his own jar of honey, which may or may not end up being used like Beorn's was when they arrived in the Shire. 

He also wants to see how the strawberries and cream would taste off her skin but that's one more thing that can be saved for later, after he heals. If feels like he has a list of things he wants to try that's only growing longer by the day and feels more impossible to get done because he's injured.

“I bet it would taste better off of you,” he breathes, watching her clean up the mess she made. 

“Playing is good, we can definitely play like this,” he babbles and fights the urge to either roll his hips up or roll them both over. It won't be make up sex like he thought they might have if they ever fought but make up playing is something that he can be perfectly content with.

Fíli grinned cheekily and presses little teasing kisses down to his belly button, tongue dipping in to collect the honey that's pooled there.

"Ah-Ah, I said _I_ get to play, not we," she hummed teasingly, sitting up so she can tug his trousers down to his knees. His cock was already half hard, clearly very interested in the things her tongue was doing and the things her tongue might do soon enough. She drizzled more of the honey across his hips, pelvis, and balls, but avoids his length, instead saving that for a healthy layer of sweet cream, admiring the treat she's created of her brother.

"It's weird. I can't stand my own... But yours looks so nice. I want to taste it and have it inside me all the time," the blonde mused, resting her fingertip on the slit of Kíli's cock, peeking out from the folds of foreskin at the top, and rubs it ever so slightly. The idea of touching the thing between her legs made her want to cut it off most days. But touching Kíli's was thrilling. She wanted to stroke and kiss and lick every inch of it until he begged her to come. 

"I suppose it's because it's yours and not mine," she continued, leaning in to replace her fingertip with her tongue, dipping inside the foreskin to cup against the velvety head before a wicked grin crosses her face.

"Well. Sort of. It's mine, now, to use and play with whenever I want, my sweet little bunny."

“But what about you?” Kíli asked with a little bit of a frown. He didn’t like the idea of his One being left wanting. He may be laid up but he thinks there are still a few things he could do for her. The archer won’t be able to turn her into a sweet treat like he has been though.

“Hope you plan on cleaning all of that up, ûrzuduh. Although if you don’t we could always take a bath later.” The thought of having another bath like they did that first night in Mirkwood making him grin. They should take all their baths like that, always after dinner and after they had a dessert similar to this. Yes he could totally live the rest of his life like that.

“Yours,” he agrees on a moan, “after I get better we’ll see about me being inside of you all the time.” He grins, instead of saying anything about being little. He could deal with being called a bunny though as long as they got to fuck like rabbits. He fists his hands into the sheets as she teases him, his cock already aching to have more. 

Fíli snickers and diverts her attentions to lapping up the honey on her brother's hip, fingers carding through the soft hairs on his belly. After everything that had happened and almost losing him, Fíli can't help but enjoy the simple peace they were sharing right then.

It would take anyone tailing them days, if not longer, to get through the Mirkwood, and that was if Thranduil didn't catch them and divert them first. Beorn's was a safe haven and Fíli was prepared to soak up every second of it before they had to cross the icy mountains. 

"Even after I clean it all up we'll be fairly sticky.. So a bath might be in order either way," she growled against his hip bone, leaving a faint mark there before returning her attentions to his cock. She didn't care whether she came at the end of this or not. She was enjoying just getting to have Kíli like this.

She lapped at the sweet cream with teasing little kitten licks, sucking his stones between her lips one at a time to thoroughly suckle them clean and releasing them with a wet pop. A wicked grin is on her face and she takes her time cleaning every single last drop, drizzle, and smear of honey and sweet cream from her brother's skin, making sure to be loud with it to torment him even more. He's behaving, though, save the occasional aborted buck of his hips, and she decides to reward him by taking the purplish head of his cock into her mouth and hollowing her cheeks around it, tongue flicking against the tip.

Kíli is using every last ounce of his self restraint to try and keep his hips firmly planted to the mattress. It does hurt to move them too much, something that some small part of his brain registers, but at the forefront of his mind is that Fíli is still new to this and he doesn't want to hurt her. He grabs two fistfuls of the bedspread, trying to use the quilts as an anchor, fighting the impulse to fuck up into the wet suction around the tip of his cock like he so desperately wants to.

He also wants to affirm that either way a bath does sound good but then he'd miss all the sounds _she_ is making. Of course there is the problem with there not being enough blood left in his head left to really articulate anything other than his sister's name and moans.

Or moaning her name when he picks his head up to look over his heaving chest and locks eyes with her. The way she looks is positively sinful while being absolutely gorgeous at the same time and he knows that he's already addicted to the sight, among others. He's addicted to his One and he wouldn't have it any other way.

The archer gives up one of the death grips he has on the quilt so that he can run fingers through her hair.

“Fee,” Kíli gasps, letting his head fall back against the pillow.

Fíli draws back from the other dwarf with a wet noise, licking at her lips as she slides up onto his lap, careful not to touch the bandages wrapped around his middle.

"Want you inside me right now, my khahith. You've been such a good little bunny, staying still, and I want to give you a reward for being so obedient," she rumbled against his ear, tongue darting out to tease the sensitive shell. She settled the dress over their laps so she could grind herself against Kíli's cock, having tugged her smallclothes down enough so that he fit neatly against the bare curve of her ass. Already she could feel herself buzzing with the excitement of having her One deep inside again, pressing the bottle of remaining oil from the Mirkwood into her brother's palm. So much for not having sex until he healed.

"Gotta open me up first, though.. Make me all slick and loose for your hammer."

She bit her way along his jaw before kissing him hard, her weight supported on her hands over him to keep off his wound. Kíli's mouth tasted like the sweets they had been eating and she licked away every last trace she could find, moaning softly. They could only hope Beorn would not return for a while.

“Planning this all along, sannamad?” Kíli grins, raising an eyebrow at her, as he pops the bottle open and spreads it over his fingers. He's careful to put the rest on the bedside table so don't accidentally spill the little that's left. He really doesn't care either way because either way he was getting to have her much sooner than he thought he could. He doesn't even care about being called a bunny but he'll be really good more often if he gets rewarded like this.

He's careful not to grab her dress with his slicked fingers, using his clean hand instead to lift it and slide both underneath. He teases his finger around her entrance, nipping at her bottom lip as he does, before slipping the digit inside of her. Something clicks inside of him and he can't help but feel a strange sense of satisfaction being inside his One again. The rift that the fight had caused is completely gone and there's nothing left but the feel of his sister.

The archer craves _more_ though, more of that closeness and more of Fíli. He nudges her head to the side so that he can get at the mark he left one her neck back in the Mirkwood, kissing it and running his tongue over it. 

Fíli's eyes flutter closed as Kíli's finger presses inside her, a low moan escaping her at just how right it feels to have him like this. Kíli is her One, and no amount of anger or fighting could ever break them apart forever. 

"I was so afraid I lost you forever, Kee," she whispered into his hair, shivering at the heat of his mouth against her skin. She would never forget that feeling for as long as she lived. The empty hopelessness of knowing she failed. That her brother was gone and wasn't ever coming back. 

"It was like all the joy in the world that was or ever would be was gone. All I wanted to do was die and be with you again in the afterlife. Living without you seems so meaningless."

She pressed gentle kisses over his forehead and in his hair, fingers combing through the long brown tresses. Fíli would never let that happen ever again. He would never come so close to death, not so long as she lived.

"I love you so much, my khahith. You are my sun and my stars, the light of my life, and the reason for living," she breathed.

“I love you too, ûrzuduh, my beautiful sannamad. I'm so sorry I put you through that,” Kíli murmured and left her neck in favor of capturing her lips with his. He knows exactly how she felt in that moment and there's a guilt that comes along with that knowledge. He never wanted her to watch him die but then he wasn't about to repeat the battle before the mountain either or even the weeks afterwards. He remembers the sun shining but he hadn't felt its warmth until he had been able to see Fíli again.

Once they got to the Shire they wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. They would be safe there and she would be able to relax a bit. They just had to be a little more careful until they arrived.

“Now no more of that. We're here together now, Fee, and I'm not going anywhere,” he presses their foreheads together and nuzzles against her. He'd completely stopped preparing his sister when she had been speaking but now he slips a second finger in alongside the first. He keeps his movements slow, soaking up every moment for all that it's worth.

Fíli manages a nod as she shares breath with Kíli, fingers knotted in his hair as she rocks down against the fingers inside her. She makes a noise of protest when he goes to add a third one, though, shaking her head vehemently.

"No. Want to feel you in me. Want you to open me up on your hammer," she murmured against his lips, pulling the folds of her dress back so his cock is exposed to the air again, feeling almost shy now. They had just gotten out of a giant fight and almost died. But then, really, how was that new?

She took the remaining oil and used it to slick up his cock while his fingers slipped out from inside her, careful to adjust her dress back over them both when she positions herself over his length.

"Now you stay still. I'll be mad if you open your wound back up and so will Beorn," she warns, glaring at him hard for effect before settling down against his cock, shuddering at the burn of being spread open on his cock like this.

Kíli wouldn't move even if Fíli hadn't warned him, he's too worried about hurting her more than she surely was already. She did say that she wanted to feel it and it was probably a blessing that they couldn't go anywhere for a while so she didn't have to regret this decision while they were on the backs of their ponies.

At least he assumes that she would regret it, he always had the next day after he'd been too eager during the night. It had just been one more thing to try to drown in ale.

“I won't open my wound. I've got plans for us and I want to be heal as quick as possible,” he grins up at her, gripping her hips as she settles against him. She's _tight_ and Mahal if she even thinks about moving right now he might not be able to stop himself from coming. He's been wanting her since their fight and even more so when they made up in the garden.

“Please go slow, ûrzuduh. Don't want you to be too sore later,” Kíli gasps as her muscles flutter around him. 

"I would deserve it," she whispered fiercely, gritting her teeth as she fights down the surge of pleasure she feels when his cock rubs pleasantly against that spot inside her, hands planted against Kíli's chest for leverage.

"I deserve to be sore for almost getting you killed."

Fíli's gaze flitted to the crisp white bandages around her brother's middle, heavy with the guilt she just couldn't shake. Kíli had almost died because she'd been too weak to protect him. She'd promised their mother on her death bed she'd look after him and she'd _failed._

She dropped her head to press her forehead against Kíli's breast, the warmth of his skin reminding her that he was alive. That this wasn't a dream and her beloved little brother still breathed. 

"I'm sorry, Kee. Please forgive me."

Kíli growls low in his throat, sliding a hand into her golden hair and pulling just enough to make her look up at him.

“You're forgiven even though you've done nothing that needs forgiveness, yet. I protected you from dying at the hands of either of those orcs and would gladly do so a thousand more times if Mahal asked me to. You don't think of me as weak for needing to be protected sometimes and you aren't weak either for being the same way. It's not weak, Fee, it's called being mortal.” His brown eyes are hard as he watches hers, needing her to take his words to heart. He wanted her to see that she was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for.

“If you're only doing this right now to punish yourself, then I want you off me.” And there was something he'd never thought he say, not even in his wildest dreams. He'd lift her off himself but he doesn't have the strength required to do that right now.

Kíli's grip on her hair slackens and his eyes soften.

“I just want us both to enjoy this. When we were fighting it was like I couldn't reach you and then the orcs and more fighting. I just wanted to reconnect with my One but not if you aren't enjoying it too.”

Fíli looked up at him and managed a watery smile, cupping her palm against his cheek.

"You went and got all grown up on me before I could blink, Kee. I still remember my chubby little baby brother, clinging to Thorin's coats with his thumb in his mouth and begging for a sweet like it was just this morning," she murmured, leaning up so she could nudge their foreheads together.

The guilt wasn't gone, and she supposed it would be a while yet before it was. But for now she could enjoy this moment with her One.

She adjusted herself on his lap again so her knees were under her, rocking her body down against the length inside her.

"You feel good in me, my khahith. So very good."

Kíli watched her for a moment, looking for signs that she might still try to punish herself but finding none. He smiles up at her, wanting to be able to sit up with her so that he can kiss his One while she rides him.

“Not that I don’t love to reminisce with you but I don’t think me sucking my thumb is something we should be talking about when you’ve got my cock in your ass,” he chuckles and gives just the tiniest roll of his hips. It's just enough that she might notice and it doesn’t hurt him at all. He doesn’t mention that _Thorin_ isn’t someone that he wants to hear about while they’re in bed either but he keeps that to himself.

Other than that one roll of his hips, he at least keeps his lower half still. His hands can’t help but wander like they’re trying to map out her body for the first time. They still on her hips for a few beats before moving down the sides of thighs, avoiding her injuries, where they stay for a few more moments before traveling back up to her hips, stomach and reach back to grab her ass. He wants to touch everywhere and inwardly laments that he can’t reach higher without sitting up.

“You feel amazing, ûrzuduh. I missed you.” 

Fíli snickers at that, clenching herself around Kíli's cock as she rocked herself back and forth, enjoying the grip of his hands against her ass.

"No? Maybe we can talk about me sucking some things, then," she whispered conspiratorially, like she was sharing some big secret.

"How about we discuss the finer parts of how nice your cock feels in my mouth?" Fíli asked and slid herself up on his cock so only the head was left inside her, before slamming back down against his hips with a shuddering whimper of pleasure. It felt so good having Kíli inside her, how could anyone begrudge her this?

"Or.. Or how pretty I look with your come on my face?" Fíli was panting now, her words stilted as she fucked herself harder and faster on Kíli's cock, loving it all the more because her body was hidden beneath the dress. She couldn't see the scars or the Wrong thing between her legs, so there was just the feeling of him inside her, and she _loved_ it.

Kíli moaned at that, remembering how Fíli looked in the moment between him coming and then dragging her up to kiss her the first time she’d sucked his cock. His fingers dug a little harder into the globes of her ass as she moved faster. He wants to thrust up to meet her as she slams down but decides that letting her do all the work is pretty nice too actually.

“You do look lovely with your lips wrapped around my cock and covered in my come. I wonder how you would look on your knees while I licked you clean,” he says as matter of factly as he can while being almost completely breathless. 

“Of course that’s nothing compared to how you look when you're riding me like this,” Kíli growls. In all honesty, she looks great every way that he can possibly get her. Fíli is his sannamad and his One, he’s pretty sure that she looks gorgeous all the time. She just looks better during sex.

“Fuck Fee,” he whimpers as his back bows a little, trying to fight his orgasm back. 

Fíli can't stifle the whimpering cry at the idea of Kíli's mouth against her and head beneath her dress, licking the mess of come from her skin. She'd never even thought that might be a thing that lovers _did_ , and a raw shiver runs down her spine at the sheer filthiness of it. 

"You just.. have a thing for my ass," she managed to croak, fingers curling into the thick nest of hair on Kíli's chest as heat and pressure build in her belly. After the stress and fear of death and fighting, even her body is eager to be with her One again.

She bites her lip to keep from screaming and bringing Beorn running when a particularly deep roll of her hips grinds Kíli's cock right past her pleasure spot, keeping herself at that angle so she can hit it again and again. Fíli doesn't want to make a mess of her skirts, however, and just barely manages to scramble them up and out of the way before she's coming with a ragged moan, striping white across her brother's belly. 

Kíli comes with his sister's muscles clenching around him, painting her insides with his release. In the haze of his orgasm, he almost tries to sit to get closer to his One but barely gets up to his elbows before pain shoots through his torso and he flops back down to the bed. He works on getting his breathing back down to even as he stares up at her unhappily. All he wants is to kiss and cuddle and generally be closer to Fíli but he can't do that because he's injured.

He makes a mental note that if he's going to take an arrow for anyone, to take it in the leg or arm. That way he can at least sit up.

“Well you _do_ have a pretty nice ass,” Kíli hums thoughtfully as he gives it a squeeze. He runs his hands over her hips and down the outside of her thighs.

“You know, Fee, if you turn your pretty little self around, I could clean you up without even having to move,” he says with a mischievous grin.

Fíli snorts at how easily her brother ruins the lazy, sated mood with a well-timed grope of her ass. Her eyebrows shoot up, though, when he starts talking about cleaning her, and she remembers that happy morning back in the Mirkwood, where he'd teased her about licking the come from inside her.

She swallows thickly, heat thrumming through her at just how nice that sounds.

"Not until there isn't a hole in your belly," she sighs finally, sounding unhappy with this decision, but resolute. She'd already risked his healing enough with this as it was, without furthering the chance she might forget herself and cause injury to him. 

Fíli soothes him with a kiss, fingers combing lovingly through his brown hair.

"Soon, my khahith. When you can sit up without pain."

As much as she loved sharing such intimacy with her brother, it was far more important he heal fast so they could depart for the Shire. Even if that meant postponing the thing she'd wanted Kíli to do to her since the moment she read about it in her book. 

"Beorn will have dinner ready, soon, and your body needs the energy to heal and fight off infection," she murmurs.

Kíli huffs lightly at that, thinking he can do that just fine laying down but understanding Fíli's reasoning. Just because he understands though doesn't mean he has to like it, besides his sister sounds about as unhappy as he feels.

“In a few days then,” he says resolutely. He thinks he can be sitting up without pain in that amount of time if not walking around a little bit. With his little project to help keep him busy, he thinks he can lie still for at least a day so his body can rest properly. Carving might be a little hard laying down flat though, maybe he can try to lean up against the pillows tomorrow.

“You'll still take a bath after dinner with me, right? I can get up long enough to do that,” he insists. He did get up to run out to her when she had been screaming, getting up just to slip into a bath seems like a piece of cake comparatively.

That doesn't mean that Fíli won't try to talk him out of getting out of bed again today, even if it's just to bathe. Not that he would have much room to argue if she decided that he needed to stay in bed. 

“Baths are relaxing and they help fight infection too. Besides I'll need you to help me get in and out,” Kíli says preemptively.

Fíli wants to point that baths are actually very bad at fighting infections, but, she supposes so long as he sits up and the water is below the injury it would be fine. And they both could seriously use a bath. It was likely Beorn had wiped the grime from their skin with wet cloths, but that didn't much do the trick like a proper bath would.

"Fine, fine. But you tell me if it starts to hurt, and we're going to bed early tonight," she says, fixing a stare on him that leaves no room for argument. That settled, she slips off the bed to grab the washcloth from the basin and uses it to clean their skin of the mess they'd made, making a face at the unfamiliar slickness between her thighs. She still wasn't quite used to the feeling of Kíli's come leaking out of her.

She tugs her smallclothes back up when she finally feels decidedly less sticky and helps Kíli do the same before tucking herself against his side, arm draped comfortably over his chest.

"Beorn should be back soon with dinner. We can ask him for the use of his bath then."

Kíli raises an amused eyebrow at the face Fíli makes as she cleans herself, thinking that what's she's feeling could have been easily avoided if only she'd let him play earlier. He doesn't say anything though and he immediately stops his mind from wandering too far down that particular road. He could be patient, no matter what his sister or anyone else thought, so he could easily put those thoughts on hold.

He runs his fingers through her hair, letting his eyes close and relishing just in the feel of laying next to his sister in a comfy bed. It'll be nothing but their bedrolls and the hard ground once they leave until they get to Rivendell, then probably not again until the Shire. Well unless they stop overnight in Bree but some tavern beds could actually be worse than sleeping on the ground.

“We'll have to do our braids again before bed too,” the archer mentions, trying to go down memory lane and happening to remember that Fíli had mentioned that earlier. He never would have thought that he'd actually be reminding his sister to put braids in his hair. Actually when he was younger he never wanted them in the first place. They took too long and he always had so many better things to be doing that worrying about how his looked.

Now Kíli always wanted to have braids because they were his One's. 

Just as he starts to drift off into a light sleep, there's the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the hall. The skin-changer doesn't knock before he comes in with a tray of food and the dwarf's eyes are open immediately, his stomach growling.

Fíli chuckles at Kíli's enthusiasm for the braids, letting herself doze comfortably while she combs her fingertips through the hair on his chest. It was nice, just laying in bed and doing nothing. They'd get to do that whenever they wanted once they arrived in the Shire. It was just a matter of getting there, now, in one piece.

Only her training kept her from jerking with shock when Beorn enters the room without so much as an announcement, fighting the urge to be embarrassed at him walking in on them tangled up in bed together, even if they were both dressed. To his credit, the skin changer doesn't so much as bat an eye at the sight, setting the tray down on the table beside the bed. It bears two plates laden with an assortment of fruits, vegetables, and cheeses, bread, honey, clotted cream, and butter, with two tall mugs of sweet fruit juice that she can smell from where she was sitting.

"When you are finished eating you can make use of the baths, but watch your wound and no horseplay," Beorn said heavily, fixing a stare on them both that said he was quite serious, before turning to exit the room.

"And I'm sure you don't need a reminder to not stray outside after dark."

Fíli shook her head and watched quietly as the enormous man closed the door behind her, exhaling softly.

"Well. He doesn't seem to mind that we are a bit closer than siblings should be."

Kíli is already reaching for some bread when Beorn gives his warning. He takes a huge bite and stares after the man, letting his sister's words roll around in his head.

“Maybe he just doesn't care,” he says around his mouthful of bread. He shrugs as best as he can laying down before swallowing and dipping the bread in a little bit of honey.

“He hasn't said anything else about you wearing dresses this time around has he? Maybe he just doesn't think it's any of it is his business. Maybe both. Maybe he thinks everything we do is just because we're dwarves.” He shoves the honey dipped bread in his mouth and looks between Fíli and the door. Beorn never seemed like one to be too interested in the affairs of others, as long as there wasn't a good story involved. Maybe the skin-changer thought if he left them alone, they wouldn't pry into his business. 

That was fine with Kíli, he really didn't want to know what Beorn got up to when they weren't around.

“It's nice that he doesn't seem to care and doesn't want any more of an explanation,” he says swallowing.

It certainly was. Fíli wasn't about to try and explain something so dangerous to a man quite capable of killing her and eating her for breakfast, that was for sure.

"Still, we should be careful. While the Mirkwood elves seemed supportive, or at least neutral, on who and what we are, we cannot be certain that others will be. We shouldn't make ourselves too known in Rivendell. Not until we're in the Shire and we can say that the familiarity of our names is just a happy coincidence," she murmured around a mouthful of carrot, leaning against her brother's side.

She hated that they had to hide the nature of their relationship for even a short amount of time. But they'd be at journey's end soon enough, and then they'd have an entire lifetime to be together.

Fíli smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Kíli's cheek, nuzzling gently.

"We'll have to shave after we bathe, brother. Even you are starting to get a bit stubbly," she teased.

Kíli studied his sister, brows slowly drawing together the more he thinks about now having to hide the nature of their relationship. They had the advantage of anonymity in the Shire, well besides Bilbo, and Bree but the elves in Rivendell would know that they were related. Would they have to sleep separately then to keep up the ruse that they were _just_ siblings?

He didn't think he could handle that. The one night alone in the Mirkwood had been more than enough for him to last the rest of his life.

He rolls his eyes at her teasing and pinches her side.

“Keep that up sister and you won't get the present I was going to make for you,” he says before even thinks. The archer mentally kicks himself for speaking before he thought it through. He's always doing that, especially with Fíli and she was usually the one to scold him for doing just that. He couldn't help but want to tell her the things he was really excited about, whether they were supposed to be secrets or not.

How he'd managed to keep his feelings a secret from her for so long was something he'd never understand. 

He gives her a smug grin before grabbing an apple and biting into it, dutifully ignoring the vegetables on is plate. Kíli might not have been able to keep the fact that he was going to make something for her a secret but he can at least keep _what_ it is from Fíli.

Her eyebrows shoot up immediately at the mention of a present, shifting to straddle his thighs and staring intently at him.

"What's this about a present? What kind of present?" she asked eagerly, stealing the apple deftly from Kíli's hands and swapping it out for a fresh carrot, taking a bite from the pilfered fruit. She wasn't used to receiving gifts. Thorin had never been big on gift giving, save giving Fíli her twin swords on her coming of age day, and Kíli the bow that had been lost in the goblin mountain. He was more the practical gift giving type than the frivolous just-because type.

"And where in Mahal's name are you going to find a present? This isn't going to be like my last name day, where you made me that pie from the forest berries that kept me on the latrine all night?"

Fíli shuddered at that particular memory. It had been a very long night.

"You ask Beorn about anything you intend to feed me," she warned firmly, staring pointedly. 

Kíli wrinkles his nose at the orange vegetable in his hand and tries to get his apple back only to have his sister keep it out of his reach. He leaves the carrot on the bed and pops a few berries in his mouth before she can steal those from him too.

“A surprise present.” He shrugs and suddenly feels like a simple bead isn't enough now, not with how excited she was. A courting bead might be a letdown and she never really said that she wanted one. Mahal he really shouldn't have said anything, now he was going to worry about that until his task was complete.

“Bilbo taught me some things about forest berries actually. I could make another pie that wouldn't make you sick,” he muses. Although Beorn seemed to have a good supply of berries so he wouldn't have to go out and gather them anyway. 

Not that he was much of a cook.

“Don't you worry about where it's going to come from, it's not going to be food anyway.” Kíli informs her as he tries to hide the carrot under his pillow so he doesn't have to eat it.

Now Fíli was _really_ interested, but refused to be distracted as Kíli attempts to get out of eating his vegetables.

She snatched it from the bed and waved it in his face, jabbing lightly at the end of his nose.

"Listen, these will help you heal. And Oin says they're good for your eyes, which is an important thing seeing as you're an archer. They'll give you energy, too, now, eat them. You can't subsist off fruit and bread alone," Fíli insisted, dropping the carrot on his lap. Sometimes her brother was like a big twenty year old with his abhorrence of anything green or growing that wasn't sweet. She was pretty sure he was also to blame for Ori's equal disdain for vegetables. 

It was such a familiar fight, though, and she found it oddly comforting. A reminder that with all that had changed between them, some things would always remain the same.

A fond smile found her lips despite herself, and she leaned in to steal a soft kiss.

"Please, my khahith. It'll help you heal faster and fight off infection. Since we can't get any meat here your body will need what it can get from the vegetables."

Kíli glared at the carrot, not so secretly hoping it would just burst into flame, before looking up to his sister and letting out a long suffering sigh.

“But I don't like them, Fee! The fruit has to be just as good for me as any vegetable,” he whines and refuses to touch the orange vegetable. It's an age old argument that he knows, eventually, he's going to lose but it distracts his sister from the fact that she's going to get a present. Besides the longer he doesn't have to eat it, the better.

“I am an archer and I already have great eyes or else I wouldn't be an archer. You should be eating the carrot since your eyes aren't nearly as good as mine,” he pouts up at her, giving Fíli his best puppy dog eyes.

The look he receives lets him know that he's losing just as he knew he would. He pouts some more as he reaches over and grabs one of the cherry tomatoes off the plate and pops it in his mouth. It's probably one of the _very_ few vegetables he likes but that doesn't stop him from continuing his tantrum as he chews it up.

“I'm an adult I should be able to eat what I want,” Kíli grumps. 

Fíli snorts with amusement and shakes her head at her brother's antics, rolling off his lap to sprawl out on the bed beside him.

"When you act like a responsible adult that eats all his greens, then you can pick what you want," she hummed, hands folded neatly across her middle. Her own belly felt pleasantly full and all she could think about, now, was a nice hot bath and a nap. A few days of recovering would do them both good, though nothing could prepare them, really, for crossing the Misty Mountains. 

She grew somber at that thought, staring through slitted eyes at the far wall.

"Do you think we'll encounter any trouble going through the mountains?"

Kíli is about to argue against eating things that he doesn't like but the change in conversation has him biting his tongue. He deposits the uneaten carrot on the plate before scooting as close as he can so he can kiss her shoulder and slide his hand into hers.

“Nothing as bad as the first time as long as we stay out of any caves and we've already seen stone giants once in our lifetime, it's highly unlikely we'll see them again since they're supposed to be myths.” He rests his head against Fíli's and tries to keep out the memories of how he'd nearly lost her twice in those mountains. He hadn't been fast enough to grab her hand when they all realized they were standing on the knees of one giants and had almost confessed to everything when he'd come around the corner and found her, and everyone else, alive and well.

He'd almost confessed so many times on their trip to Erebor, actually it was probably about the same amount of times that they almost died.

“Besides we can handle any goblins we run into, they're far worse with weapons than any orc.”

Fíli nodded quietly, sliding her hand over Kíli's to lace their fingers together, thumb brushing in a circle against the soft skin of his wrist.

"We'll be stronger, too, from our time resting at Beorn's. Better equipped to defend ourselves," she murmured, offering a small smile to her brother. She couldn't rid herself of the image of Kíli lying dead in her arms, his face pale and body limp. She wasn't sure she'd survive a second terrible shock like that.

She turned to look at him and reached up to brush her fingers over his cheek, tracing the line of stubble and the curve of his jaw. 

"I can't lose you a second time, sannadad. It would kill me," she admits in a whisper, eyes somber.

“I can’t lose you either, nûlukhûh,” Kíli whispers back, unsure of what else to say. He wants to promise that she won’t lose him again but he can’t make that promise with the rest of their trip still looming over them. He can try his best though not to do anything that might cause his sister to go through his death again, or even his almost death. He can’t even promise that won’t do anything stupid because even though he tries, he still acts before he thinks a lot of times.

He leans into her touch and wraps his arms tight around her.

“Come on lets go see about that bath and then we do our braids. I’m not the only one that looks weird without them,” he gives her a small smile before kissing the tip of her nose. He shifts enough that he can push himself up with his arms, trying not to use his stomach muscles too much but it still hurts until he actually gets upright. It’s not so bad sitting actually.

“You think we should change the bandages? Because if we do, you should uh… Probably make sure I didn’t make things worse when I ran outside,” he mutters and plays with edge of blankets. 

Fíli chuckles before helping her brother to the bath, and the pair spend the rest of the evening getting reacquainted with one another. It turns out Kíli's bandages do need to be changed between the running and their.. other activities, and both receive a heavy, silent stare from Beorn as a warning to take it easy. 

Considering he could turn into a giant bear, Fíli wasn't exactly keen to disobey him anytime soon.


	10. Chasing the Light Until the Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so they healed, and time passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for body dysphoria and brief description of a panic attack.

The pair take their time over the following days and Kíli slowly heals up. They receive word from Thranduil that Dwalin, along with a small company, came through the Mirkwood in search of them, but that they were successfully rerouted towards the south and the lands of men that lay beyond. He warned, however, that they traveled fast and that the deception would not hold forever, especially when they failed to pick up a trail the further south they went.

Nervous, but unwilling to rush Kíli's healing and risk him being weakened when he needed to defend himself, she decided that they would stay a little longer before moving onto the Mountains. Besides, it wasn't hard to admit she liked being at Beorn's. It was quiet and relaxing, and in exchange for his hospitality they would help with the chores. She was able to wear the soft cotton and silk dresses every day and she smiled more than ever before, especially as Kíli improved with each passing hour. The wound in his stomach healed up and he was past any danger of infection, which meant he was on the road to a full recovery. 

Fíli was doing better physically, as well, and with a steady schedule of rest and food, her health improved dramatically. The roundness returned to her face and the paleness fled her skin, giving her more energy and better focus. While she'd always bear the scars on her back from Thorin's punishments, the scars on her mind from his gold lust addled abuse would fade with time, and every moment she spent by her brother's side seemed to help speed that particular healing along. Nightmares plagued her sleep, of Thorin and death and the battles lost and won, but Kíli was always there to bring her back to the present.

And so they healed, and time passed. 

But the day they would have to leave and begin their trek through the Misty Mountains drew ever closer, and when the summer began to fade she knew that their time was running low. 

"I think tomorrow is the day, brother," she said quietly, seated in the grass by his side and watching as Beorn's bees hummed around the gardens. Fíli looked down at her bare feet and dug her toes into the warm earth, a forlorn expression on her face.

"As happy as we are here, it still isn't safe. I fear we won't be safe until we get to the Shire. You are healed and so am I. I think it's time that we began our journey again."

She reached out to rest her hand on Kíli's knee, leaning down so she could peer at her brother's face. He'd been nervous all day and she couldn't imagine what could be making him so fidgety.

"Kíli?"

The archer hadn't even been paying attention as his sister spoke, too busy focusing on the wooden bead that resided in his pocket and absently picking at the grass in front of him. He'd finally finished last night, deciding that this one was as perfect as it was ever going to be. He had made a couple dozen others that had all ended up in the fire because of some mistake or something he found wrong in the design of the bead. 

It had to be perfect for Fíli though and Kíli had worked diligently to make sure it was just that. Now that it was finished he'd run into another problem altogether: how to give the bead to his sister. 

He'd thought maybe he should make a big show of it but then she hadn't done that with him, it had just been something between them when she braided his hair in Mirkwood. He likes the idea of it being something intimate much better, besides he doubts Beorn or the animals that reside in the house care.

But then how was he going to just bring something like this up? He'd asked his sister to braid his hair in Mirkwood but she doesn't know that he's made a bead for her because he wants it to be a surprise. He could always leave it on her pillow for her to discover later or just hand it to her right now but he doesn't really like either of those ideas.

So that left with no ideas and a wooden bead that felt like it was weighing more and more as the day dragged on.

It's not until he hears his name that Fíli manages to break him out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?” Kíli looks into her blue eyes, then realizes that he was supposed to be paying attention. “Oh, uh, yeah that sounds fine.” He goes back to picking at the grass, hoping that his answer covers whatever she'd been talking about. 

Fíli's smile melts into a frown and she moves her hand from Kíli's knee, looking away from him and out across the garden. Her brother had been a little distant as of late. He hid away in the room and lately it seemed like he was always lost in his head, looking for something he didn't know how to find.

"Kíli, do you even want to come away with me, anymore?" she asked quietly, voicing the question that had been plaguing her these past few days and trying her best to keep her words from trembling. It made sense, after all. Kíli had changed his mind about running away with her, about all that he was giving up. After all, he'd been on the eve of being named heir to a great Kingdom. He'd have his pick of beautiful dwarven women. _Real_ dwarven women. He'd had no real reason to run away, other than to be with her. But even that seemed to be gone, now, whether it was because he'd finally come to his senses, or he tired of her struggle with herself and her nightmares. 

"It's alright if you want to go home. I wouldn't want to give everything up to be with someone like me either."

Kíli furrows his brows at that, wondering where in the world his sister got such ideas. He stands quickly and settles himself back down on the ground with her between his legs so that he can wrap his arms around her from behind.

“You mean go back to Erebor? That's not home for me, Fee, not if you aren't there with me and it's not safe for either of us there. That's why I'm okay with living in a hobbit hole or a cabin in the woods, because you'll be there with me. Home for me is where ever you are,” he says, completely aware that it's probably the cheesiest thing he has ever said in his entire life but it feels like the right thing to say. He leans his head against hers, looking out over the garden too. Maybe once they get settled they can have one of their own or maybe just “borrow” things out of the garden that Bilbo talked about having all the time.

“I'd give everything in that mountain up every single time if it means I get to be with you,” Kíli murmurs, giving her a squeeze before he slips his hand into his pocket. He thumbs over the bead once, feeling the perfect circle of the full moon that he'd carved on one side. 

“I even made you something so that you'd know for sure, but I think I should be a little offended that you forgot I had a present for you,” he jokes a little.

Fíli can't help the soft smile that blooms on her face at Kíli's words, even if they are a bit sappy and sound more like they should come from those Elvish romance books they'd caught Ori reading once. She hadn't really thought that Kíli would desire to return to the mountain, but, it was hard to shut out the doubting voices when she was alone so often doing chores, with her brother tucked away in the room and Beorn off doing whatever it was the giant man did.

"Well, you have been rather spectacularly avoiding me these past few days," she admitted, pinching Kíli's wrist as a punishment for this, but then soothing it over with her fingertips. She is interested in this gift of his, though, turning her head so she can look back at him with one slanted, curious eye.

"Though a present might just help me forgive you for hiding away in your room so much."

Her mouth quirked in a teasing grin, eyebrow arching.

Kíli flinches inwardly at her words, having been so focused on making the bead perfect he hadn't thought about how little time he was actually spending with Fíli. He'd been so lost in the design and making of the bead that he'd never noticed how quickly the time went by. He was always happy to see her at night though, to be able to sleep in the same bed and comfort her when the nightmares would take hold of her.

He hopes that his bead is good enough to make up for ignoring her.

“Perfection takes time, dear sister.” He grins in return. The archer stuff his other hand into his other pocket too, pretending to dig around in both even though the bead is safely tucked into his palm. He can feel the wolf he carved on the opposite side of the moon now, pressing into the skin of his hand and he can't help but smile wider.

“Pick one, and if it's not the right one, then you don't get your present,” Kíli teases as he holds out both his closed hands in front of her. If he happens to wiggle the correct one a little, well that's just coincidence.

Fíli hums thoughtfully and pretends she's unsure which one she wants to pick, taking her time in examining each of Kíli's enclosed hands to make him squirm. When she feels he's been sufficiently punished for hiding away from her she finally picks one, turning it in her fingers and prising it open. 

And of all the things she had expected, though, the little wooden bead didn't even make the list.

She picks it up and rolls it between her fingertips, staring in awe at the intricate carvings in the wood and the soft shine of a thorough, but delicate polishing. It was a courting bead, bordering on a marriage bead by the shape of it. 

"You made me a bead," she whispered reverently, pressing a kiss to the little wolf carved in the surface before she's dropping the bead back into Kíli's hand. Fíli grabs at her blond hair and pulls it free of the loose braid she'd put it in to keep it off her neck before neatly folding her hands on her lap, head bowed forward a bit.

"Braid it in for me, my khahith?" she murmured.

“I'll take it that you like it then?” Kíli asks, grinning from ear to ear. He takes the bead back and carefully works on making a courting braid in Fíli's hair, using the same amount of care and patience that he used to make the bead. It's the same braid that he wears for her in his hair and it takes a few minutes but once he's sure that it looks how he wants it to, he secures the end of it with the bead he made. 

He can't help but smile at the way the darker wood stands out against her blonde hair, like the metal of his bead stands out amongst his brunet hair. The wolf and the moon so distinctly them without everyone else knowing that it's them. 

The archer wraps his arms back around Fíli and pulls her as close as he can before pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“I'm sorry about ignoring you but it had to be absolutely perfect. You deserve nothing less, nûlukhûh,” Kíli murmurs.

Fíli closes her eyes and leans back against Kíli, trying to memorize this moment so she could get through the coming weeks before they arrived at the Shire. They'd gather supplies tonight so they could leave with the sun in the morning, once they'd discussed a route to take with Beorn.

"It's alright, Kee. I forgive you. We're about to spend the rest of our lives together, so a few days apart are survivable, I guess," she chuckled warmly, tracing vague shapes into the soft skin of her brother's wrist. The light of the sun starts to fade as it dips below the horizon, and she turns her head so she can nuzzle a soft kiss against Kíli's throat.

"We should probably head in. Dinner will be ready, and we'll need to ask Beorn about safe passage through the mountains."

She sighed and turned in Kíli's arms so she was settled on his lap, her deep blue dress pooling around them like a pond.

"We should probably sleep early, as well. We won't get much until we arrive in Rivendell."

Kíli isn't too keen on going inside just yet and Fíli is sitting in his lap so it's not like he can get up right now anyway. He wraps his arms around her waist and keeps her pressed close to him. Dinner can wait.

“We can't stay up just a _little_ late?” He asks with his best puppy dog eyes. If they won't get much rest on the road there probably won't be a lot of _other_ things going on as well. Not to mention that there may not be a lot of those same things going on in Rivendell as well. He will absolutely refuse to sleep in a different room from his sister though, no matter what the elves think of that. He's grown far too used to having her in the same bed to sleep without her there.

“Maybe take one last long hot bath before we hit the road since there will be nothing in the mountains but ice cold streams?” He pleads, trying really hard not to think about how awful those streams are going to be even though by that time they're probably going to need a good bath.

“Please, sannamad?” Kíli nuzzles against her throat, noticing that the mark he left he is starting to fade and is wondering whether or not he should make it darker one last time before they hit the road where it's going to fade for sure.

Fíli laughed when Kíli began to whine and nuzzle her like he'd always done as a child to try and get his way, reaching behind her so she could run her fingers through his hair and soothe him.

"Yes yes, fine. We'll take a nice, long hot bath tonight after dinner. It'll help us relax before bed, anyways," she conceded, turning her head so she can look up at him again, amused. It was so easy to relax here with Kíli. Why did they even have to leave? It was unfair that they had to risk so much and go so far just to have happiness and safety.

But there was the mountain, and Thorin, looming still on the horizon, and so her gaze hardened with determination.

"We'll leave with the sunrise tomorrow and get an early start. The faster and sooner we move, the less time we'll have to spend in the mountains at night."

The Misty Mountains were rife with dangers. Even if they didn't encounter any stone giants again, there was still the goblins, and bands of orcs, and while things that constantly roamed them, and she wouldn't feel entirely safe until they were settled in Bag End with Bilbo.

Kíli smiles as his sister gives in to his pleas for a bath. She complained that he was spoiled but he knew exactly whose fault that was. Not that he was complaining. Of course he would always give into her just as quickly too. 

“We'll move even faster this time since it's just the two of us and we'll stay out of caves,” he confirms. He hasn't forgotten either why they're out here to start with, or the dangers that still lay ahead of them. Finally getting to the Shire though, and being able to live out their lives in peace was all going to be worth it, of that he's sure.

“I'm sure Beorn wouldn't mind having us out his fur too. He seems to value his isolation,” he murmurs, mostly afraid that the large man is somewhere near and would overhear him. Although the dwarf doesn't blame him, if he was a skin changer he'd probably choose to live out in the middle of the woods and be wary of strangers too. Especially anyone that traveled with grey wizards.

“If you want to go inside for dinner though, you're going to have to move.” He says but tightens his arms around Fíli. Being this close to her is good and going inside would require them to move, which is bad.

Fíli hums in agreement but makes no move to get up just yet, leaning forward into her brother and curling her arms and legs around him.

"Mm, or you could just pick me up and carry me inside," she chuckled, resting her cheek on his shoulder and closing her eyes. This was nice, very nice. If she thought hard enough, she could pretend they were already at the Shire, sitting outside in Bilbo's garden and waiting for the fireflies to come alive as the sun faded from the sky.

Soon it wouldn't just be a dream. It'd be their reality.

She nuzzled soft kisses against Kíli's neck before exhaling softly, fingers combing lazily through his thick hair.

"Just a few more weeks, my sannadad. We're almost there."

“A few more weeks until we don't have to run anymore and we can finally get our own place to live,” Kíli nods against her neck. It probably won't be a time after they arrived in the Shire that they could get their hobbit hole or cabin since they didn't bring any money with them to build a home. It would be nice though, he thinks, to hunt for a living again. He'd been bored in the mountain without the need to hunt.

“But I'm still healing, Fee,” he mock pouts with a grin, “you should carry me!” He laughs even though he's already got his hands tucked under her so that he can get them both up. He still needs time until he's back to his old self, with a new scar, but he's more than healed enough to carry his sister inside of Beorn's home. She's not as light as she used to be and he can't help but be thankful for that. Being here has not only done some good for him but for his One as well.

Once he gets inside he looks between Fíli and kitchen.

“Hmm, I don't think dinner is quite ready yet, sannamad. We _may_ have to find something to do to occupy our time,” Kíli whispers conspiratorially as he lets her slowly slide out of his grip until she's back on her own two feet.

“Besides, I don't think Beorn will mind if we're a little late for dinner.”

Fíli arches her eyebrow at Kíli when he sets her down on the floor, pinching his side playfully.

"If I'm going to be on pony back tomorrow morning we are not doing anything too much," she snorted, reaching up so she can tug on the braids behind his ears and guide him down for a kiss. 

It had been a while since they did more than sleep in the bed they shared, with Kíli's injuries and Fíli's need for proper rest, and she missed her brother. But she didn't miss him enough, yet, that she'd say yes to a sore ass while trying to ride Farin. 

But there were plenty of other things they could do that didn't involve being overly sore tomorrow.

Fíli quirked her mouth up in a teasing grin, fingers trailing down the archer's throat.

"Any suggestions?"

Kíli grins as he pretends to think about just what he'd might like to that wouldn't mean Fíli being sore tomorrow. He already has a few ideas and he's sure that she might have a few more since she was the one that read that book from Erebor's library.

That she still hasn't told him much about.

“Well,” he says dragging it out, “there's always that one thing you said that you wanted to try when we were in Thranduil's realm. The same thing I offered to do for you our first night here but you wouldn't let me do.” He whispers, wondering if she'll get his hints.

“Hmm, you wouldn't even need to get undressed for it either.” The archer whispers against her throat, tongue tracing over the mark there. He rests his hands on her hips as he starts to walk them backwards to their room, kicking the door closed with his foot once they get inside.

Fíli purrs low in her throat as Kíli guides her into their room, pulling herself up onto their bed and crossing one leg over the other so she can survey her brother from where she's perched, a sly grin on her lips.

"Mm, well, the dress is definitely coming off first. I like it too much to get it dirty, and you know how difficult it is getting stains out of velvet," she hummed, sprawling back on the bed and clearly not about to aid him in this endeavor. She did part her legs, though, and let her arms spread out so he could work at the ties of her corset, a pleased look on her face.

She sits up when the corset is undone and the loose dress pools in the crook of her elbows, leaving her bare from the waist up. The air is cool on her skin and Fíli feels goosebumps begin to spread, trailing her fingers along Kíli's jaw before finding the laces of his tunic, tugging them free.

"Want to feel you, too, my brother. Want to see you."

“But getting dirty is half the fun, especially since we're going to be taking a bath later anyway,” Kíli comments as he works the ties on her corset, standing between her spread legs. He was going to suggest she stay in the dress for other reasons, like being on time for dinner, but he really can't find it in him to complain right now. Not when he hasn't seen her unless she was changing from her day clothes to her sleeping ones since they got here. 

He watches her fingers work as Fíli undoes the laces of tunic, happy to slip it off once she's done and show off skin for once instead of white bandages. He understands that they had been necessary for his health but he also knows that they quickly became uncomfortable.

“You didn't guess what I had in mind sister.” The archer leans in to tease and kiss her collarbone as runs calloused fingers up her spine. 

Fíli hummed low in her throat as Kíli mouthed over her skin, sliding her arms around him so she can pull him down on top of her fully. It feels wonderful, so wonderful she's half forgotten herself and ready to beg him to fuck her, before her mind catches back up again.

"Oh I think you already know I'm well aware of what you're angling to do tonight," she growled in his ear, biting at the delicate shell and tugging. She plants a foot on his chest and pushes him back gently, head quirked to the side and a decidedly filthy smirk on her lips.

"But how about you put your mouth to work on better things than such talk."

She arches an eyebrow and wiggles her toes against his bare chest, feeling the ridge of scar tissue there. The permanent mark of how close she'd come to losing her beloved One. 

Her foot slid down until it was no longer near the scar, instead rubbing through the bed of dark hair on his lower belly, teasing at the edge of his trousers.

"And maybe if you do a good job I'll let you fuck my thighs and make a proper mess of me."

“Oh my dear sweet sister,” Kíli says in between kisses as he makes his way up from her ankle to her knee, “I think you'll find that I'll be much better than just good.” He finishes off by nipping at the inside of her knee. 

“Actually I bet I can make you scream loud enough that they'll be able to hear you all the way back in the Mirkwood,” he smirks as he pulls away from her, undoing the laces for his trousers and letting them fall to the floor. He keeps his smalls on though as he motions with his hand for her to roll over.

“If you want my mouth though you're going to have to get up on your hands and knees.” He purposefully ignores the dress that's still on her. Making a mental note that one day, maybe when they have their place, he's going to put his head up her dress and eat her out. He wasn't lying when he said that getting dirty was half the fun.

A pleased shiver runs up her spine at the idea of something feeling that good, and she's quick to roll onto her front, propping herself up on her hands and knees. She tries to shuck the dress off, but the laces are still too tight to get over her hips, so she gives up and pulls the fabric up to bunch around her belly instead, leaving her smalls for Kíli to take care of.

"We'll just have to see, now, won't we?" she purred in a soft, teasing tone, looking over her shoulder at her brother with a smirk on her lips.

"If it's as good as you say, maybe we'll take some time between here and the mountains and I can practice a little more with getting all of you in my mouth."

She knew Kíli had a thing for getting sucked off. He'd loved it in the Mirkwood, and whenever she mentioned it he always got quite excited. And she certainly didn't mind doing it for him, not when it made him make all those noises.

Fíli wiggles her hips back and forth in a way she hopes is inviting, sinking down onto her forearms so her ass is in the air, presented and on display.

"Come on then, my khahith. Show me what you've got."

Kíli groans at that mental image, Fíli on her knees and sucking him off in the middle of the forest. How many times had he tried not to think about something along the same lines happening while they had been on the road to Erebor? Enough times to make him wonder if he was going to be able to make the trip without his, then, secret getting out.

“Well I'll have to make sure to have you screaming extra loud then,” he smiles back as he steps up behind his sister. He runs the tips of his finger up the back of her thighs as he kisses the base of her spine. Fíli's smalls are easy enough to deal with as he drags those down to her knees, mouthing over newly exposed flesh as he moves the cloth down. 

He takes a moment to appreciate the sight before him. Even though Fíli usually covered up, she really does have a nice ass. He chuckles inwardly before nipping one of the globes and placing a kiss over it. He wants to sink into the flesh but decides on a licking a quick strip over the furled muscle of his sister's entrance.

Kíli spreads Fíli open and sets to make his sister unravel. He licks over her flesh, teasing the tip against her hole and getting lost in the taste of her.

If Fíli had thought it would feel good, nothing prepares her for the sharp shock of actually having Kíli's tongue swipe across the sensitive flesh, muscles twitching in surprise and mouth falling open. It's hot and slick and a faint little whimper escapes her when the tip rubs against the pucker, grabbing at the blankets and holding tight to them.

Part of her brain was insisting that this was disgusting and filthy and wrong, and perhaps that was some of why it felt so amazing. The taboo nature of it all, the forbidden, dirty wrongness. 

"Oh.. Oh Mahal, Kíli," she choked, biting at her knuckles to keep from making too much noise, despite their teasing. The last thing they needed was for her to start shrieking and bring Beorn knocking in the door. She wasn't sure the giant man would survive the shock of what he'd see. 

So she buries her face in the pile of blankets she's managed to pull towards her and groans, the muscles in her thighs quivering with excited energy.

Kíli smiles and runs his hands over her shaking thighs, loving the way the muscles move under his hands. He can't help but imagine what it would have been like to clean his come from her after they had fucked on that first night. To be able to fuck her with his tongue after fucking her with his cock. 

He groans at that and the pretty noises Fíli is currently making, promising himself one day they're going to do just that.

“You're cheating, Fee,” he teases before running his tongue over her again. He continues to work his tongue over his sister, gently prodding it inside her as he can feel the muscle relax. The archer works his tongue against her inner walls, using his finger to run along the ring. 

His sister may not want to bring Beorn running but Kíli has every intention of making her scream his name as loud as she can.

"It's not cheating.. Self preservation," she groans softly, trying to keep her ass in the air even as her legs threatened to buckle her forward on the bed, already burying her face in her crossed forearms. It feels so much better than she'd even hoped it would, and part of her wonders if this is what it'd be like if she were truly female.

Kíli buried between her thighs and licking her open, slipping a finger inside to make her loose so he could fill her up.

The faint twinge of discomfort from his finger inside brought her back to earth, though, and her muscles went immediately stiff as a stone, back arching and thighs tightening to try and simultaneously push Kíli's finger out and still the faint slap of flesh between her legs from her movements. 

She would never know what sex was like as a woman, because she wasn't one, and she never would be. No matter how many dresses she wore, or prayers she made to Mahal, she would always be male.

Fíli reflexively kicks back with her foot and knocks Kíli onto his ass on the wooden floor, fingers catching and pulling at the sheets as her breathing pitches, the dress suddenly becoming too hot and tight. Yanking her smalls back up and yanking her corset over her shoulders, she flees for the front yard without so much as a word to Kíli, or Beorn when she passed him, and doesn't stop running until she's in the middle of the giant bee hives, gasping.

The sun has long since set now, and the cold night air helps calm her somewhat as she settles on her knees in the damp grass, trembling fingers clutching at handfuls of soft velvet and silk. 

She wanted to hurt herself.

Kíli doesn't have any time to process how he ended up on the floor before his sister is running past him. He stares after her for a moment before he's grabbing his trousers and tunic and pulling them both on though he doesn't worry about lacing them up properly. He's too worried about Fíli to even try right now.

He calls for her when he goes into the hall and the only response he get is a grunt from Beorn who points him outside. It's easy enough for him to find her tracks in the grass so he follows those through the garden and towards the hives.

The archer runs over everything that happened in his head as he walks, trying to figure out if he said or did something that may have caused Fíli to run out here. She had seemed to be enjoying things just as much as he was until she wasn't anymore. Had he hurt her somehow? Mahal, he hadn't meant to hurt her if he did! But wouldn't she have just said something if he had? 

Maybe it was something he said? He didn't think it was that either but he suddenly can't recall most of what he's said tonight since he had carried Fíli inside. Everything had been just fine, better than that even, until she had kicked him off the bed and ran out.

“Fíli?” He asks gently when he finally comes upon her sitting in the grass. He moves slowly around her until he can kneel in front of her, trying not to play with the edge of his tunic too much.

“Fee? Fee, what's wrong?” Kíli asks, trying to keep from sounding as worried as he really is. He wants to reach out and touch her, pull her close but he doesn't know if he's allowed to. He doesn't know what's caused her to run out here so he doesn't know where to start in making her feel even a little better.

By the time Kíli finds her in the bee fields, Fíli mostly has her breathing under control. Her heart is still racing in her chest, though, and she stares at her lap intently as she focuses on taking deep, steady breaths, hands over her ears to try and muffle the ringing that filled them.

Her head snaps up when she hears her brother's voice, though, chest constricting with shame and disgust. They'd been doing so well and having such a good time until she ruined it with her stupidity.

"It's nothing, Kee," she murmured softly, looking back down at her lap and tracing the embroidery with her fingertip. It shone yellow-gold in the moonlight overhead and the repetitive motion of drawing her finger over the design was vaguely soothing. 

"I was just thinking foolish things again."

'Foolish things' had more or less become their coded speech for when she had bad thoughts regarding her sex and wanted to hurt herself. She still struggled to talk about either of those things out loud, and while she knew it'd probably do her some good to finally open up to Kíli, there was still a part of her that feared his patience would one day run out. 

She offered him a faint smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, picking at a loose thread.

"Guess I ruined our last night before we journey again, huh?" 

Kíli relaxed a little and scooted forward until their knees bumped, offering her a half smile of his own in return. He didn't like when she got like this, she didn't deserve to feel like this, but at least she was out here talking to him instead of doing anything to punish herself.

“It's not ruined. Maybe things got interrupted but the night is hardly ruined. We still have dinner and a bath, if you want, to look forward to and this time we'll be sleeping in the same room. The same bed even. That makes tonight a much better night than the one before we left Mirkwood.” He gave her a genuine smile before really taking in just how lovely she looks in the moonlight.

“Besides I think we both played equal roles in ruining things that last night,” the archer murmurs and looks up at the stars. He'd really rather not think of it because thinking of that led to thinking about things that happened the next day and honestly he'd rather just forget all of it.

“And it's nice out here. Maybe when we get to the Shire and when it's nice enough we can grab a blanket and lay outside.” It would be quiet like this he imagines, or maybe not if the hobbits had a party that Gandalf brought his fireworks too. Bilbo had told them all about those and he thought they sounded amazing.

Fíli manages a watery smile and reaches out to take one of Kíli's broad hands, folding it neatly between her own. Dwarf hands were sturdy, and strong, made for a people of builders and fighters. Kíli's were no different, even though he preferred a bow to the sword, with thick fingers and rough calluses from a life time of hard work. They were hands she could trust everything to.

"That would be nice. It'll be a big change from Erebor, falling asleep to the sounds of bats and insects again, rather than the noises of forges and mining," she admitted softly, feeling much calmer now and less likely to throw herself at one of the giant bee hives nearby. 

Smoothing her dress out and standing, Fíli turns to look at the looming shadow of the Misty Mountains in the distance, dread settling heavy in her stomach. It was arguably the most dangerous part of their journey to the Shire, and it was where they were most likely to fail.

"We should go inside. Beorn will be wondering where we've gotten off to, and we need his advice on safe passage through the mountains."

The Fíli of a year ago would have been unconcerned with plans and strategies. But the Fíli of a year ago was practically a child, still somewhat innocent despite her internal struggles, and naive to the ways of the world. The Fíli of now knew quite well what cruelties the world could inflict upon them without a thought, and it was better to take time to strategize than to risk death with careless stupidity.

She had done a lot of growing up since they came to Erebor. They both had.

Kíli smiles up at his sister before standing himself and taking her hand. He doesn't worry about the mountains in the distance like Fíli does, they can wait until tomorrow. Tonight he can still relax and just be with his One without having to worry about being attacked by goblins or orcs.

“And dinner. I think Beorn was making something when I walked through earlier,” at least he hoped the skin changer was making dinner because he was starving all of a sudden. Probably had to do with the lack of semi naked sister kneeling before him on the bed that had his priorities shifting.

The archer held Fíli's hand as they wandered back inside to find Beorn already in the kitchen filling dishes with various things for their supper. He tries his best not to automatically wrinkle his nose at the vegetables he sees, deciding that it might be best to just eat the Mahal forsaken things tonight. If only to get through dinner faster. He couldn't help but want to hold Fíli whenever she had her 'foolish thoughts' so getting through their meal fast was top priority right now. 

Even if he had to eat _vegetables_.

“Beorn? Fíli and I think that we should leave tomorrow morning and maybe you could help us with some routes through the mountains over dinner?” He asks as he gets a bowl of cherry tomatoes shoved at his chest. Kíli shrugs at his sister before popping one into his mouth.

Fíli's a little more impressed by their dinner than Kíli is, and so she loads her plate up with a pile of vegetables, fruits, cheese, and nuts, drizzling the sweet sauce dressing that Beorn made using honey and crushed berries over the whole thing. Perhaps it was because this kind of food became the first real, full meals she'd known in a year, but "Elvish" fare really had grown on her. It also helped that, unlike the meat and sauce heavy meals she'd had in the Mirkwood, she could eat her fill of the leafy greens and fruits without feeling sick to her stomach afterwards. 

Beorn grunted as he sat down at the table opposite them, staring heavily with his dark eyes until they were squirming from the intense gaze. Finally, he seemed appeased, and took a deep drink of mead.

"There is a pass through the mountains that will take you just south of Rivendell. It takes you close to the Goblin King's mountain, but the path is strong and reliable, and will not crumble on you," he said in his slow baritone, instantly capturing Fíli's interest. Strong and reliable was good. Proximity to the goblin kingdom was bad, but, unless they went far out of their way to the north or south, it was the fastest way through the mountains to Rivendell.

"You have been a good friend to my brother and I. It will never be forgotten, Beorn."

She smiled at the shifter and reached out to rest a hand on top of his, squeezing lightly.

“A path that won't crumble and won't turn out to be on a stone giant's legs is good,” Kíli says as he pours a good amount of the berry sauce on the few vegetables that he put on his plate. He didn't like going near the goblin kingdom again but since they hadn't seen any goblins while they were trekking through the mountains until they went into that cave, he didn't think there was much to worry about. All they had to do was stay out of caves and they should have no problems from the little creatures.

He nodded looking between his sister and the man; they would forever be grateful for helping them again. If Beorn hadn't been around the dwarf knew that neither of them would be alive now. 

“Yes, thank you for everything Beorn,” he says and swallows the vegetables that he had drowned in the sweet sauce. He wasn't sure just how good the vegetables would be for him now but the sauce made them much more bearable for him to eat. He thinks that's probably a small miracle that he's eating them at all without arguing with Fíli about it.

Beorn smiled at both of the dwarves before patting Fíli's hand in return.

“Eat up my little bunnies, you have a long journey ahead of you,” his voice rumbles before he digs into his own plate of food.

A long journey didn't even begin to describe it, but, Fíli simply bowed her head in response and ate her dinner, taking the time to enjoy each bite. It was likely they had several weeks of bland rabbit and venison stew ahead of them, so she wanted to relish the sharp sweetness of Beorn's fare as long as she could. 

She's just as cautious in savoring the warmth of the bath as she settles into the steaming water afterwards, sinking in up to her chin and closing her eyes in bliss.

Somewhere in the distance she's aware of Kíli climbing in behind her, but right now she focuses on the feeling of being clean, probably for the last time until they got to Rivendell. There was safety, here, and comfort. She hated having to leave it after finally getting to enjoy it. 

"We're almost halfway to journey's end, brother. Every step we take is another step away from Erebor and towards our future," she hummed aloud, leaning back against Kíli's chest to stare at the curls of steam in the air. She still struggled with the knowledge she was running away from everything she'd ever been raised to become, that she was abandoning her people, and her family, to the whims of a madman.

Mostly she struggled over the fact that she felt no guilt whatsoever, for the first time in her life.

Kíli pulled his sister close and hummed in agreement as he nuzzled into her hair. He didn't feel any guilt or even burdened by the knowledge of the things they left behind. All he could see was that Fíli was starting to get better and they were free of the laws that would keep them apart. Did he worry about how Thorin ruled over Erebor? Maybe a little but there was nothing that either he or Fíli could do to stop him. Not when he had already arranged for her to be sold off as a bed slave. 

He let all of it roll off his back though, Erebor was none of his concern. He and Fíli were going to be safe and that was all he really cared about.

“A future in our own hobbit hole or cabin,” he murmurs and kisses her head, “with more meat and less vegetables.” He chuckles but he has no doubt that his One is going to make him eat just as many of the damned things. The one perk to being back on the road will be that he can hunt again and have meat again. He'll eventually get tired of the same old stew but for now the venison sounded delicious.

“Hard to believe that we're going to call the Shire of all places our home.”

Fíli nodded softly at that, fingers trailing through the water, blissfully murky with soap. 

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if things were different, Kee? If we'd grown up in Erebor as Princes," she asked in a low voice, tilting her head slightly so she could look up at him. She wonders if Dis would have died, had she given birth in the mountain, rather than on her own in a rundown hut. What would it have been like to be raised by a mother?

She sinks down up to her chin and exhales, head thunking back against Kíli's chest.

"Uncle did his best to raise us. But he was always away working, trying to feed us and save up to one day reclaim Erebor. It wasn't the same as.. having a mother."

It was almost Kíli's birthing day. The anniversary of their mother's death, and her greatest sacrifice. The day Fíli became parentless, but met the other half of her soul. The Maker had a perverse sense of balance, it would seem. 

Kíli hums thoughtfully and rests his head against his sister's.

“Sometimes I guess but I always wondered more about what it would be like to have enough food for both of us to eat or what it would be like to have nice things. I didn't really miss having a mother because I had you,” he murmurs. He remembers wondering if having a mother would have meant that Fíli could have played more instead of working. He had Fíli though, for all of the other things that mothers did with their kids so he supposed he never really missed having one. At least not in the same way his sister did.

He couldn't really miss their mother because he had never known her but he always felt guilty about her having to die so that he could live. Though how much of it was because she died for him or knowing how much trouble he caused Fíli from that day on was anyone's guess.

“Maybe we would have been able to grow up as a Princess and Prince of Erebor,” Kíli says. He knows how Thorin reacted to his sister and the archer can't help but think that their mother would have been more accepting, even if they hadn't grown up in Erebor.

“Wouldn't be able to call you my One though if that had happened. I'm not sure even our Mother would have approved of our relationship.”

Fíli can't help but laugh at that, nudging Kíli in the side.

"If that happened, you'd have been the heir Prince. I'm not sure even Balin could get you to sit still long enough to learn your lessons," she teased, turning carefully on his lap so she could face him, a smile on her lips.

"As hard as our lives have been, though, I don't think I would change them. Sometimes I wonder, but, there's no use in pondering what could have been when our path is right in front of us."

She slipped her arms around her brother's shoulders and tipped her head to the side, studying the sprinkling of freckles across his cheeks.

"There is no past, anymore, my sannadad. There is only tomorrow. And the day after that. I think that's what matters most, now."

Kíli smiles at that and brings their foreheads together, rubbing the tips of their noses together.

“Well tomorrow might not be so good since we'll be on the road again and maybe not the day after that either or the day after,” he scrunches his face up more and more as he thinks about just how long they have to travel before they get to Rivendell. Through mountains too, which would make it feel that much longer but at least once they arrived at Lord Elrond's home, they would be almost done with their journey.

“The day we arrive in Rivendell will be a good day and the days we spend there too. Then the days we spend in the Shire. I think our past will be worth it for our future.” He wraps his arms around her waist, with a slight dreamy look on his face. He can't help but feel like they've made it through the worst of things and just how bright their future together seemed.

“No past, just us going home.”

Fíli wants to point out that, depending on how fondly Elrond remembered the company of dwarves that ruined all his furniture and ate all his food, the likelihood of enjoying much of their stay at Rivendell was pretty slim. But, for now, she lets her brother enjoy his excitement, liking the smile on his face far too much to disillusion him. She hadn't seen him smile this much since before the Battle, not truly, at any rate. The poison was slowly draining from him, from both of them.

They finish their bath in quiet contentment and went to bed that night with no small amount of hope that tomorrow would go well, curled tight together in the last bed they would know for several days. 

That morning they would rise with the sun and dress, enjoying a quick breakfast with Beorn before packing up the food and other supplies he gives them to help them on their journey.

"Your ponies will take you as far as the mountains, but then they will turn back, so be prepared to go on foot from there on out," he warned, leveling a heavy stare on them both before clasping their shoulders and squeezing.

"Good luck on your journey. I hope that you fare well."

And so they bid the skin changer farewell, mounted their ponies, and began the next leg of the trek to their new home. 

Fíli only hoped that this part would be a little less troublesome than the last.

Kíli felt optimistic for the next leg of their journey even though they would be going without ponies and going through the same mountains that had almost cost him his One twice. He kept telling himself that it would be easier this time though because they knew about the goblins and really how often did someone see stone giants not just once but _twice_ in their lifetime?

No, things were going to go smoothly this time. So smoothly in fact that it doesn't take long for him to get bored, not that it ever took long for that to happen before. At least when they had been traveling to Erebor the others had been around to either provide music or a conversation to listen in on. Not that he didn't like talking to Fíli but there was only so much even they could talk about before having to travel in a comfortable silence. 

He also noticed just how quickly he grew tired of being in the saddle and needed to shift to get sort of comfortable again. Maybe it was just in his head but he was pretty sure that if he sat just right, the scar on his stomach would start hurting again.

The scenery doesn't really help his boredom either. He switches between looking through the trees for small animals and Fíli but finds that he can't look at his sister for too long before his mind starts to wander. Which leads to riding becoming more uncomfortable and he has to turn his mind away from anything related to his One, almost exactly like the first time they had been on this path.

“I probably jinxed us last night by saying that today wasn't going to be a good day,” the archer grumps just as his pony gives an annoyed snort at all his shifting. 

Fíli had been quite content to ride in silence and ease, her mind comfortably blank but still prickling with the edge of awareness at every strange sound. It's broken by Kíli's complaining, though, and she gives him a look that's only half amusement, an eyebrow arching.

"How is having a nice, easy, quiet ride being jinxed, exactly?" she asked, shaking her head at her brother's antics. He was a lot like Thorin in some ways. Their Uncle had always been impatient to get to the next thing, too, never taking long enough to enjoy what they already had. But, remembering the last time she'd compared Kíli to Thorin, she wisely kept this tidbit to herself. As much as she thought she should hate him, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Some part of her still loved the shadow of their Uncle that still clung to the coattails of the King, cherishing the memories of the tired smiles he would give them when they wanted a story before bed, despite how exhausted he was from working at the forges and the warmth of his hand on her head when he was proud of her, even if he never said it out loud.

Fíli realized she'd sunk into a melancholic silence again and shook herself out of it, offering the brunet a soft smile.

"We'll be to the mountains, soon, and those'll be plenty exciting enough without you rushing it, silly dwarf."

“Having a nice, easy, quiet ride is boring, Fee. Better than being attacked sure, but still boring.” Kíli sighs as he looks at the mountains that stand before them. He wanted entertainment from stories or music, not the excitement that the mountains had for them. Actually he wouldn't mind the mountains being just as boring as right now. No goblins or crumbling paths, just lots and lots of rocks. He wouldn't mind clear weather while they were in the mountains either but that's probably too hopeful.

“Maybe they won't be though. Maybe they'll be nice and quiet this time,” he says thoughtfully, mentally praying that he's right. They don't have the benefit of a wizard's company to keep them safe if they somehow find themselves in trouble. 

“You aren't even a little bored, nûlukhûh?” He asked even though he already knew the answer. Fíli was always the more patient of the two of them, the archer wouldn't be surprised at all to learn that she was just fine with their trip so far. He of course couldn't sit still and was probably going to get thrown off his pony if he moved anymore, judging by the annoyed noises Daisy kept making.

Kíli tries to sit as still as he can after that, not wanting to deal with a grumpy pony until they get to the mountains and also not wanting to be bucked off. He wants interesting but not if that means he has to get hurt in the process.

Fíli shrugs, looking sideways at the younger dwarf with a fond sigh on her lips.

"I actually like the boredom of it all. Everything has been such a whirlwind these past few years, with getting ready to take back the mountain, and then actually reclaiming it, that we never really had the time to slow down and be bored. It's rather refreshing, really," she murmured, looking out across the sunlit fields on either side of them. 

The fields become less green as the day wears on, yellowing and withering in the shadow of the mountains, until the pair are left standing at the beginning of the pass they'd been led to, their packs on their shoulders and their ponies on the return journey to Beorn's. Fíli was sad to see them go, for she'd grown quite fond of Farin's placid temperament, but they had promised the shifter they wouldn't take the ponies into the mountains.

"We just have to get through this and then the most difficult part of our journey will be over, my khahith," she breathed, reaching out to take Kíli's hand and squeezing it as an icy gust of wind blasted down the side of the sheer rock face, as if it were telling them to turn around.

Kíli shuddered a little at the gust, thankful that he had on warm clothes, and squeezing his sister’s in return. So maybe the weather would be as bad as it had been before but that would hopefully keep the goblins inside their mountains. Of course bad weather would make their crossing of the Misty Mountains that much harder if they have to worry about freezing, too.

“We can do this,” he says both to himself and Fíli. It's easy enough to talk about just going through the mountains, like it had been easy enough to talk about reclaiming Erebor, but he’s not as naive as he used to be. He knows now just how likely it is that one, or both, of them might not see Rivendell.

The archer can’t think like that though, he refuses to. He focuses on Fíli and thinks about finally being safe from Thorin and having a place of their own as they start on the trail that Beorn had told them to take.

He keeps a hold of Fíli’s hand when he can, only letting go to steady himself against the rocks when he needs to. Kíli is also very careful to watch where he steps, still nervous that somehow they’re going to end up on the legs of a stone giant again. He’s going to make sure that if that happens again they’ll be on the same leg at least. 

There isn't much opportunity for conversation between them as they begin their hike, more of a climb, really, with the wind howling and carrying about all sound and breath. Fíli took what comfort she could in the clutch of her brother's palm in her own, eyes constantly scanning the grey rock for movement.

She'd been expecting a sneak attack at the most, or to come across another cave with hidden trap doors. So when, after what feels like a lifetime of clutching at slippery cold stone, they round the thousandth turn and come face to face with a small band of goblins, likely fresh from covering their cave floors with sand to hide the cracks.

Fíli takes one moment to pity whatever creatures were recently ensnared, and more recently torn to shreds and eaten by, these foul creatures. And then there's the fight.

Numb fingers struggle to wield her blade with any efficiency, but the path was too narrow to draw both out, struggling to fend off a goblin while still holding tight to the rock face beside her. Learning to fight with cold hands had been one of the things she'd been drilled on as a young dwarf, but it was difficult no matter how much you trained and stiff muscles weren't overly responsive to stubborn will, even if you were a Durin.

Kíli is quick to draw his bow when he sees the goblins even though he has to fight to get his chilled hands to work like he needs them too. There is only so much he can do though and his aim still suffers from the lack of feeling in his fingers. The first goblin he shoots takes an arrow to the stomach instead of the head but still manages to fall off the side of the mountain so he won’t complain about that.

He flexed his fingers as he reached back for another arrow, trying to get blood moving back through the frozen digits. His next shot was better than his first but only by a little, the arrow burying itself in the creature’s chest.

The archer notices one though that doesn’t try to fight, instead it’s trying to escape from the pair of dwarves. All he can think is that this one goblin will tell others what it saw and somehow that information will make it back to Thorin. Then the mad King will somehow figure out where they’re headed and Kíli can’t let that happen.

He doesn’t think before he’s stepping out as close to the edge as he can and taking aim at the creature. It's easy to ignore the cold when all he can think of is being dragged back to Erebor and Fíli being taken away from him.

But then the goblin disappears around a corner and Kíli curses under his breath, slinging his bow across his back and taking off like a predator on the hunt, arrow held tight in his hand. He doesn't stop to think that he's leaving Fíli behind him, focused on getting to the beast before it disappears and leaves them vulnerable. He catches up to the lumbering thing easily enough and buries the arrow in its skull, and it's only when he turns around to smile at his sister does he realize his error.

When Kíli had stepped towards the edge of the cliff, Fíli felt her breath catch in her throat, staring in horror at the scant millimeters between her brother's foot and open oblivion. But then he's taking off at a sprint and disappears around the bend in the rock, and Fíli struggles to put down the last goblin before she runs after him.

The image of Kíli's broken body upon the rocks fills her mind, of him with a filthy goblin sword stuck through his belly, or long gone down a trap door to be eaten alive by the horde that lived within the mountain range.

But when she rounds the corner all she sees is her brother, grinning cheekily at her with the goblin dead at his feet, and she stares dumbly at him, as if she can't believe he's actually there.

"You dumb.. stupid.. little shit!" she hissed, reaching out to grab him and dragging him forward along the path. The goblins had to have just come from resetting a trap, which meant there was a cave nearby, and when they rounded a corner and she saw the opening she could have sagged to the rock in relief.

She shoved her brother into the cave and ordered him to sit with a heavy glare before she's sinking to her knees and examining the floor. Sure enough she finds the nearly invisible spider web of cracks, tracing them carefully before deciding that as long as they stay in the mouth of cave they'd be safe. The goblins probably couldn't make the rock there weak or else it'd bring the entire cave down. Fíli may not be an expert on mining, but, he knows enough to see weakness in the rock. 

She rounds on Kíli, now, and she advances on him like a lion stalking her prey before falling upon him, fingers buried in his hair and tugging.

"You could have died! It hasn't been an entire day since we had that talk about avoiding unnecessary risks and you almost let yourself fall off the side of a mountain to kill a goblin!" she hissed, crushing their mouths together and clutching to her brother, not caring that they were both drenched to the skin and half frozen. All she needed was Kíli. 

Kíli knows he's in some deep trouble with his sister, he'd been getting ready to open his mouth and explain that he was never in any real danger. It was just one goblin and it was running away from them, it wasn't like it was just going to turn around on him and catch him off guard. Sure he'd left her alone on the path but he had needed to! He did it to protect them from being discovered.

That was before his sister is kissing him like their lives depend on it. He's stunned for a second, trying to figure out when being in serious trouble led to kissing in caves, before he gives up on trying to figure it out and just goes with it. He's still pretty sure he's going to be in a lot of trouble later but Kíli isn't going to complain right now.

He wraps his arms tight around Fíli and tries to pull her ever closer. The archer is soaked to the bone and when he shivers he's not sure if it's because of the cold or his sister's proximity, but she's close and that's all he wants. It's all he ever wants.

“I'm sorry,” he pants against Fíli's lips when he has to pull back to breathe. It's all he can say at the moment, everything that he was going to say about it being important that every last goblin was dead suddenly fleeing his mind.

“Sorry,” he whispers again.

Fíli closes her eyes and bumps their foreheads together, her fingers loosening their death grip in his dense brown curls.

"Good, you should be."

She relaxes against him, allowing the tension and the fear bleed from her until her muscles are loose again, nudging her nose against Kíli's and kissing him with much more care than before. Now that the heart stopping terror of seeing him disappear was gone she just felt heavy and tired. Her clothing was soaked to her skin from the rain and the biting chill of the wind wasn't helping at all.

"It'll do no good if we freeze to death. We'll rest here for the night and continue in the morning," she murmured against his lips, rubbing her nails across his scalp. 

Kíli nuzzles against his sister, trying to silently apologize for always being so impulsive, even it was for a good purpose this time. He'd known he probably scared her but didn't realize how much until he felt her relax under his hands. He still had his arms wrapped tight around her and he was hard pressed to let her go right now.

Specially with her fingers moving like against his head and it takes everything in him to keep from actually purring.

“Okay and maybe we should get a fire going and get out of these clothes before we catch something,” he says quickly, falling back on an old habit of trying to be extra helpful so Fíli might stop being mad at him faster. She doesn't seem all that mad at him anymore but it couldn't hurt.

She shook her head, cheek pressed to Kíli's and lips brushing against the soft skin of his ear lobe.

"We can't light a fire, not in these mountains. It'll attract unwanted attention, and we can't go into the cave beyond here. We're safe just inside the mouth, but the rest of the cave floor is another trap door," Fíli sighed, looking apologetic. She'd certainly enjoy a fire, herself, but it didn't even look like there was much wood to be had anyways.

"We'll just have to keep each other warm tonight." The golden haired dwarf offered Kíli a small smile, tugging playfully at the braid in his hair.

“I like the sound of that,” he smiles up at her after giving the rest of the cave floor a rueful glare. He wholly blamed the goblins that were no doubt underneath for their lack of a fire tonight. But there would be a silver lining it seemed.

“We should get out of these wet clothes then. We don't want to get sick after all or get the bedrolls wet,” Kíli whispers and trails kisses along the underside of his sister's jaw, wrapping his arms even more tightly around her despite what he's said. 

Fíli hummed softly as she angled her head back to expose more of her throat to her brother, fingers curling into the front of his leather tunic. His mouth was like a line of fire against her chilled skin, and she welcomed the heat of it, a soft sigh escaping her.

"Mmm, I wish, but I'd rather not be caught naked by a second patrol of goblins," she chuckled, nudging her nose against Kíli's forehead. As much as the idea of taking off her soaked clothes and climbing into a warm bedroll with the archer appealed, she knew it was likely a very poor idea. 

Still, nothing said she couldn't pull at the ties on Kíli's trousers to loosen them a bit, or that she couldn't slip deft fingers inside to tease at the semi hard length of his cock. 

Kíli huffed in annoyance against Fíli's neck, both unhappy with having to still wear wet clothes and the accursed goblins that lived in the mountains. What he wouldn't give to be somewhere safe and, more importantly warm, right now.

His huffs morph into a hiss when his lover's fingers are on him and they are _cold_. He retaliates a little by slipping his hands under her coat and traveling clothes and running his fingers lightly against her back.

The archer makes up for it by leaving a hot kisses along every inch of her neck that he can get to. He's a little saddened that the mark he left is fading but there's a vague memory of his sister saying that they should be careful with their relationship in Rivendell so he settles for gentle nips over the spot. 

Fíli shudders and leans away from the chilly press of fingers against her skin, squirming with distaste at the feeling. She retaliates by curling her cold palm around Kíli's cock, laughing at the shiver she feels. The blond dwarf is relaxed, now, her previous terror at seeing her brother disappear all but forgotten in the teasing touch of skin and lips. 

"Maybe if you're good I'll let you take my corset off," she murmured into his hair, breathing in the smell of sweat and rainwater that clung to him. It'd been a long time since she'd been caught in the rain with Kíli, and a smile spreads across her face at the memory.

"Remember that time we snuck out on Balin, to try and find Uncle at the forge? We wanted to bring him something to eat, because we knew he was working so hard to feed us. But then it started to rain and we got lost, so we found a tree that was dead and rotted out inside and we hid there, waiting for it to stop."

She couldn't help the fondness creeping into her voice, staring distantly at the drab rock behind him.

"I don't know how long we were huddled there together, but it must have been hours. You wouldn't stop crying because the thunder scared you, and you clung to me like a burr. And then we heard voices and shouting and then Uncle reached into the tree and pulled us out and I don't think I'd ever seen him so scared, and so happy, in my life until then."

Fíli paused and looked down at her lap, hand withdrawing from Kíli's to smooth over the leather of his jacket.

"He wouldn't let us go the rest of the night. Even let us sleep in his bed. He insisted it was because you were afraid of the thunder, but, I think he was worried we'd disappear on him again."

She wondered if Thorin was worried right now, if he'd even noticed or cared they were gone. Their Uncle might have, but King Thorin.. King Thorin probably only missed his heir and his profits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We apologize for the horrendous delay in updating. Things have been incredibly busy for both of us, so we've been limited on time for writing. 
> 
> On that note, we are announcing a mini hiatus for this fic. We've been struggling creatively with this story line and so we're taking a break to work on another fic so we can come back to this refreshed. We are not abandoning this story!
> 
> The other story we are working on is an AU to this AU, where we explore the "what if" of Fili being sold away to Dain. If people are interested, we can post this much shorter story up when we're finished.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below or message us on tumblr! Thorinoakenshield is user f-ili, and jokerswild is user booofur.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [If The Sky Comes Falling Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116345) by [jokerswild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerswild/pseuds/jokerswild)




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